Prayer

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. 
—Max Lucado

I was sitting in bed the other afternoon, tossing and turning, still had a couple hours before needing to go to work. And all I could think about was this tugging in my mind and heart that I had been ignoring for a couple days (let's be honest, it's been a couple months). I just didn't know how to approach or resolve this issue that I was becoming aware of, so I kept pushing it off. I had a longing, a need deep within that wasn't being met. And I realized, all this time, that I was seeking to fill that void in places and people that couldn't fill it. I have been expecting so much from myself, my life, and the people around me, that when my expectations weren't met, I let disappointment stir up aggravation and despair in my life.

I'd realized the last time I had read my Bible was on Easter Sunday. 20 days. 20 days I went without even opening my Bible. Over the last couple months, I have become more aware of the distance I have allowed to come between myself and God. You have probably heard the saying, 'if you feel far away from God, guess who moved?' Well, guess what, it was me. It is always me, not Him.

I got up out of bed, went and grabbed my Bible, then kneeled down beside my bed. I was reevaluating how I pray to God, and what prayer means to me. I had some hesitation, because I knew my heart wasn't right with God at this point. I had to get some things off of my chest, and I needed some help. He was the only One with enough power to help me through it. I didn't know where to begin. How do I fix this relationship. Do I pray, do I read His Word, do I worship, what is best? The answer I was given, was pray. So that is what I did. I had such an informal conversation with God, tears were shed, emotions leaking out of me like a sopping wet towel being wrung. I poured out my desires, my needs, my sorrows, my sins, the burdens that I had on my heart for myself, for others.

I was raised in a Christian home. We didn't read the Bible a lot as a family, but we attended church every Sunday and Wednesday. We didn't routinely pray before meals, we did on holidays or at special events, or if everyone happened to be together, we would. But praying before meals wasn't a norm. We would recite Bible verses as young children, sing songs, and sometimes pray before bedtime. It wasn't that prayer wasn't important, it just wasn't a main focus that I remember being emphasized in my younger years. It wasn't like I was never taught how to pray, or that we never did it, just not all the time, it wasn't a constant, nor did I feel like it was missing when we didn't do it. But now, I have this hunger, this longing for prayer, this need to talk to God, and it has been persistent, a constant feeling of incompleteness.
I throw out a 'thank you Jesus!' here and there when something I have been hoping for works out, and definitely turn to Him when I am having a rough day, week, month, year, etc. But I definitely do not pray as often as I could. And in not spending that time with God, and humbling myself before Him, acknowledging the transparency that already exists (He sees and knows all things, whether I tell Him about them or not), has caused me to step farther and farther away from God's side.

I don't have a lot of friends, and certainly not a lot of friends that I trust well enough to delve into my insecurities and insufficiencies in life with. But I would say I 'know' a lot of people, and most of these people believe me to be a kind, nice, Christian girl. But boy do I sure catch myself falling short of that oh so often. I catch myself judging others. I catch myself holding grudges. I catch myself being hostile. I catch myself withholding kindness and good deeds, not going the extra mile for others like I used to, simply because I give and do and give and do things for others, and quite often get nothing in return. And I never even used to care. I never expected anything back, not even a thank you, often I did things in secret, simply to avoid receiving any undue praise (because to God be the glory, not I). I did and did and did and went on with life. I was servant, and I loved my ability to be that.

Then slowly, I wandered away from that. My heart was hardened towards people, my eyes closed to their needs. Things would happen that I should feel some emotion about, whether sorrow or joy or whatever, and I would remain emotionless. I would note that I was not responding appropriately, and would wonder for a second, what was wrong with me, and then move on.

I am craving deep meaningful relationships. I'm lacking in meeting my emotional needs amongst my peers because of my choice of relationships I've been making priority in my life. And in doing so, my heart and mind have been hardened to the burdens and issues in others' lives. This change has become more and more evident in my life, and God has made it clear that I need to do something about it.

So prayer. That is where I am beginning. My relationship with God. That is where I am beginning. To better myself, so I can better serve God and others.


'You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in a bottle. You have recorded each one in a book.' Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
'For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.' Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)
'Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' 1 Thes 5:16-18 (NIV)


It doesn't matter what your background was. It doesn't matter what you were or weren't taught. What matters is what you do with what you know and who you are today. Take time to try and be a better person, learn new things. You don't have to take huge steps, because the longer the stride the more likely you are to fall. Take it one little step at a time, and soon enough they will add up to you having moved so much farther than you ever thought possible.

Pray fervently. Live passionately. Love everybody.

God, and Sex Before Marriage

1 Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."


I read a story once, written by a great Christian woman, who was given some advice from a pastor in her life. His advice to her was:

He said, “It’s not about how far you can go, it’s about how close you can get.”
That’s really the question we’re asking. Right? How far can I go? What am I allowed to touch, what is he allowed to do, how far can we go before we’ve crossed 'the line'?

But instead of thinking about it that way, her pastor challenged her to ask herself:

“What can I do to get as close to God as possible? What decision can we make that brings our relationship as close to God and His very best design for this as possible?”

After reading her story, and his advice, my perspective changed completely. No longer was it about following the rules, just pushing against them enough to keep from breaking them. It wasn't about checking the correct boxes, so as to avoid making God mad. God isn't going to strike us down or spite us if we have sex before we are married. That is not who God is.

No, it isn't about living just to avoid breaking rules anymore. It is about a relationship. It is about tearing down the guilt, shame, and sin that makes us distance ourselves from God. When we sin, God doesn't leave us, He doesn't go anywhere. But when we sin, what do we do? We hide. (Or at least try.) When we follow what He says in this area, we are keeping ourselves from putting walls between us and God. The decision is about trusting the Creator of sex, and marriage, and love and us, when He says love is at its very best when we handle things this way.

I know that I want the very best love life, the very best marriage, and the very best sex life possible when my time comes. And if God --- the Creator of all of those things --- says this is the way to get the absolute most out of it, then I want to take Him up on it!

So, if getting the most out of my marriage, love life, and sex life after marriage is the motivation behind waiting to have sex now, then in regards to all of the intimate things we can do leading up to sex, there are two questions I think we need to ask ourselves:

1) What brings me closest to God?
2) What makes me feel like I am setting myself, and our relationship, up to get the absolute most out of it --- taking God up on all the blessings He has in store for us?

And I think you can answer those questions pretty easily, if you’re honest with yourself.

If you’re honest, after you and your boyfriend do ______ (fill in the blank), how do you feel? Do you feel ashamed? Like you’ve failed? Like you’ve increased the distance between you and God now? That’s a good indication that you might need to re-think things, make a different decision.

Maybe you weren't raised a Christian, maybe you were. Maybe you weren't told early in life that having sex before you were married was something you shouldn't do. Maybe reading this, is the first time you have even heard word of it. But let me tell you, God has a better idea for love, and sex, and marriage, and He really wants you to take Him up on it.

I decided several years ago that I wasn’t going to do anything other than kiss until I was married. So far, I have successfully held to that decision.

Now — I’m not saying you need to draw the exact same line. Again — this is a personal decision.

But the reason I draw the line there, is because I know that intimacy is intimacy. And I feel like I would be trying to cheat the system by doing other things that were pretty much having sex — maybe not technically, but really, really close.

And I don’t want to cheat the system. I want to actually do things the way I really think God is saying to do them. And for me, I have decided that means saving intimacy of all kinds until I am married.

So — I know how tough this is. You are absolutely not alone in this. Waiting is a struggle for everyone. And it’s a good thing that it is! You don’t want to marry someone you have zero chemistry with! That chemistry will pay off at some point.

But in the meantime, do everything you can to get as close to God as possible, to take advantage of every blessing He has in store for you in this area of your life.



Matthew 5:27-30 (NIV) ''27 You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. ²⁸ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹ If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰ And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."

James 1:13-15 (NLT) "13 And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. ¹⁴ Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. ¹⁵ These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death." 

  

Here are the not-so-random song links I post with each blog, enjoy! :)

Guard Your Heart ~ 1 Girl Nation

Through Your Eyes ~ Britt Nicole
Undeniable ~ TobyMac
Show Me ~ Beckah Shae

Forgiveness Day 2016

 

Yup, apparently this day exists as a national day. Forgiveness. It's not a touchy subject per se, but sometimes a very challenging one. 

I have blogged about forgiveness a couple times before. It is something I am passionate about dishing out, because far too many times I have been the one seeking it, needing it. 

Everyone on the earth sins. Point blank, we are all sinners. Everyone wrongs someone every now and again. Sometimes intentionally, with complete congnizance of doing so, sometimes completely unintentionally, and quite often somewhere between the 2 extremes.

I can only imagine how much God's heart hurts when His own children are the ones hurting others. 

The greatest example of forgiveness comes to us in John 19. With Jesus willingly giving His life on the cross for wretched people such as myself. So undeserving. Nothing shouts pure and honest forgiveness like letting someone nail your hands to a cross after lugging your own death tree up a hill, letting them smash a crown of thorns onto your head, and letting them whip you until blood is drawn and dripping from all over your torso, arms, and legs.

All the while, knowing You and Your Father above have every right and possess the omnipotence to get Yourself off that cross, to stop it all before it even began. Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46b

God the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. The Trinity. Three-in-one. But for a moment, God had to turn His face. Imagine the torment it caused Him to see His only Son suffering such pain, and for such undeserving people.

He didn't die on that cross just for me, but He did die on that cross FOR me. He endured unthinkable, unimaginable, excrutuating pain, for me? For this undeserving and disobedient sinner? But, why? 

Some things in life make total and completely clear sense. Attending school, graduating and attending college. Moving out of our parent's homes to blossom on our own. Finding, courting, and marrying your true love. Birthing beautiful children and raising them to love and worship our Lord. But then there are hiccups, if you will, in the road of our life, such as burying a child, losing a parent at a young age, and I liken the confusion of those kinds of events in life to trying to understand God's willingness to offer forgiveness to the likes of us.

It comes as hard to believe, especially for the 'unbeliever,' that a man can die and rise again. Even having been a believer for most of my life, sometimes it still blows my mind. And maybe it isn't event the fact that He died and rose again, on His own will and power, though being a nurse I know that only God could have made that possible. But maybe, it is the fact of His death; the suffering and agony that He endured, all for us. For us, such filthy, sinful, and undeserving creatures that we have become since Eve ate of the forbidden fruit in the garden. Maybe that is what is most awe inspiring to me.

That love. That forgiveness.

'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16  A widely known and quite possibly one of the most popular verses in the Bible. He SO loved the world that He created, though it had turned into such an evil place full of sinners like me, He loved the lowest of us, SO much, that He sent His Son to suffer and die on a cross, to forgive us of our sins. Sent His Beloved, to pay for sins that we committed. Not Jesus paying for His own sins, for He was perfect, spotless, sinless. Yet He suffered a torturous death, FOR US.

'For by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9 No matter what you have done, or not done (sins), in this life, no matter how much money you give to your church, no matter how many children you adopt, how many highways you clean up, how many lives you have impacted for Christ, no. No matter what, you don't deserve the forgiveness God offers, but that is what makes it so overwhelmingly awesome, and thus should make us all the more thankful for receiving it without even having to earn it. So dish it out, even when it seems the offender doesn't 'deserve' it, because neither do we. God commands us to forgive in Matthew 18:21-22, where Peter is asking how many times he should forgive his brother for sinning against him, and Jesus replies, not just 7 times, but 7x70 times. Over and over again we should be forgiving those that sin against us.

 

So take what you have done into consideration in your daily life. If you were to add up all your sins, does the cluster even compare to the wrong that has been done unto you? If Jesus was willing to love you enough to die on a cross for your cluster of sins, does forgiving the wrongdoer seem so hard now? Forgiving is loving. Show Christ's love in every way possible everyday. We are not here to hold grudges, but to love and show Christ to those that don't believe. So forgive others, believers and unbelievers alike, we all need to see and feel Christ's love through the actions and words of Christians around us.

'Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.' Ephesians 4:32

7x70 Times ~ Chris August                       Waterfall ~ Chris Tomlin

Mended ~ Matthew West

What is Wrong with Me?

When a boy doesn't respond back after your first date. When a boy doesn't text or call you back after you hung out one time. When you find out your husband has been looking at porn. When your husband cheats on you physically or emotionally. What do we as women do?

We may get upset, may get angry, may even cry about it, and then we stop and begin to wonder. We question and doubt ourselves and our adequacy.

We wonder a lot of things, but mostly, 'What is wrong with me, and what did I do wrong?'  What is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough?

We single ladies wonder all the above, and may also wonder: Was I too forward? Was I not forward enough? Does he think I am going to contact him first? Should I contact him first? Isn't the male supposed to plan the next date? Is that still the norm? We need to try and not get hung up on these questions, they can ruin a day, a week, even months if we let them. We must rest assured that God has a plan, and that He will reveal that plan and that man all in good time. 

I read an article, in fact, a couple of articles popped up with a similar message. I don't need a man to complete me, that is Jesus' job, I need a man to compliment me. Finding said man may take time, and some effort, but God has a plan and a purpose. No, I don't plan on hermit-ing in my house for years expecting God to bring my Mister Forever to my front door, to ring the bell, and drop to one knee saying God led him there. No, I don't think every Mister Right Now is 'The One.' But, what I have to keep reminding myself, is no matter what, God has a plan, and I need to keep my head up.

So, meanwhile in the waiting, I will keep praying, and I plan to keep this smile on my face, even while I struggle (mentally and emotionally) with dating and the single life. I plan to keep bringing joy to others with my quirkiness, and helping others out in any way I see necessary or am able.

Don’t get me wrong, a relationship with the right guy will someday prove to be a wonderful sweep-me-off-my-feet experience, well worth the effort and patience required to get there. But I know that if I'm looking for a guy to fill an empty spot in my heart, I'm asking for the impossible and will end up disappointed.

And you married folks dealing with porn addiction or cheating. No one quits anything alone, everyone who has a true addiction needs help, whether it just be you and God, or you, God, and your spouse, your Mom, a support group, a prayer/Bible study group, your church family. Whomever and whatever it takes, your spouse and your marriage are worth it, you decided that when you said 'I do.' So don't give up or give in now, keep fighting, keep your marriage bed holy, your marriage will be stronger after facing and battling through this. Take note of the warning signs of what led you to where you are today, hindsight is almost always 20-20, and now you know what big or little things you did, saw, or feelings you acted upon that led you to that low point, avoid those. Take the high road every time, you will never regret it. Maybe busying yourself and your mind with your spouse, your children, your tasks, your God will help.  Read your Bible; I find the more I dwell in His Word, the more I think on Him and the more I pray. Use Him to occupy your free time, rather than letting your mind wander, yield yourself to Christ rather than that porn site or that relationship that went too far with someone other than your spouse.

The struggle is real, always will be. So is God, and He ALWAYS will be. I find that when I pray, even when I may not be getting the answers I think I need in the timeframe I think I need them, just simply talking to God still helps lower my stress levels and anxiety. So chat it up with Him y'all! He wants to hear from you! I will never have all the answers to all of life's dilemmas, but I rest assured in knowing my God does! 

Here is a perfect song for those of us struggling to find completion without and/or before we find our significant other:  Completely- by Among the Thirsty

Twenty16: Not Introducing a New Me, but a Better Me, Through Him

Ready or not, the entire last year of your life has ended, welcome to 2016. I don't know about you, but I could write for an hour about things I did last year that made my life (and others' lives) more challenging than necessary. As I look back on 2015, every challenging moment, that sticks with me, was existent only because of something I had done or something I had chose to make worthy of my putting forth an effort to. If you missed it, that was all about me. There wasn't a lot of God involved in those decisions. Don't get me wrong, I pray. I read my Bible, I go to church at least every Sunday morning. If I am off Sundays, I put forth my best attempt to be present for the Sunday evening Bible studies. I attend our ladies' Bible study when I am off Thursday evenings, and I attend our ladies' prayer coffee when I am off Tuesday nights (it is Wednesday mornings dark and early at 0645). I absolutely love to be a part of these smaller groups, I thrive on them. I enjoy reading and studying more and more of God's Word. From the time I start getting ready, until I leave the event, drive home, and park in my driveway, all I can do is smile! I get excited to attend, and I always leave refreshed and having learnt something new. That is all God, and I thrive on Him!

And yet: when Satan is knocking on my heart or making his way into my mind and life...sometimes I don't even realize it, I let him set up camp and hang out for awhile. That has come back to bite me. Things occurred in my life in 2015 that I have vowed to myself, and others, will never ever happen again. I seriously hurt a friend of mine emotionally, and that was never my intention. I have never in my life planned to hurt someone, as I suspect most people don't. Sometimes it just happens, we make decisions everyday: I did not always make the appropriate or best one. I believe good comes through every mistake God lets us make in our lives, I have learned my lesson, harshly (rightly so), and with consequences (rightly so), but nonetheless learned. I sometimes pride myself on being a good person, (though that alone is already a sin) I do believe I have a good heart, a heart set on being kind to others and building other people up, but we all make decisions, simply put, I made some wrong ones.

Being a Christian, I am aware that the sins I commit will be forgiven, in fact, have already been forgiven. That is not why I sin nor is it why I continue to defy God's commandments and will for me. I am human, I was born with sin. Though I now have been washed clean by the blood of Christ, He still gives me the right of choice. Daily, I have to make a choice to live for Him, to do everything for His glory. Sometimes I don't stick to that initial choice. Sometimes other emotions and things in life come in and fog my vision, and the path I chose when I rose out of bed may now be less clear or less desirable to me (enter Satan stage left) Sometimes the higher road requires some work and discipline, and sometimes I choose to not be cut out for it. I shouldn't, I have no excuse to do so; God has provided me with all the tools I could possibly need to fight the devil off and continue down the right path each and every day. Yet I opt out of trusting Him, out of using those tools to fight my way down the path that may require more work that day, for decisions and opportunities that make me happier in the moment, choices that were easy to make incorrectly because the devil made them more appealing and the struggle less overwhelming. Trusting God and praying is the most important thing I can ever do when being faced with a choice between right and wrong; nothing I do will ever be easier than praying to the One that is always listening. In addition to His omnipresent self, the Lord has also blessed me with a way-beyond-fantastic support system of believers all around me; a quick drive, or a couple touches on my phone screen, and someone will be there for me. 

The Bible says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" {Romans 8:31b}


So why do I fail so easily, so often?


The Bible, in the book of John says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." {John 10:10 NIV} 

I have quite brutally suffered from letting Satan come in and try and run my life because of the decisions I have made, but not anymore! I gave that to Jesus, and have tried my best to not be that person anymore! I do not believe that today I am a totally different person from the person I was on December 31st, 2015; it being a new year does not make a new person. But throughout the past few months, God and I have been working together to bring a better me to the playing field, a better me to show His love to others. God has pushed, poked, and prodded me, using His Word, family members, friends, and my church family, to help mold me into the person you would find within me today. I can only pray and continue to strive to be an even better person, because even still at this moment, my past mistakes lurk, and sometimes steal my joy! But I must refuse to let Satan win! I will fight the good fight with the One who can never be defeated.  Going to church, attending the extra activities that my church offers, that is not what makes me a Christian, it is my believing in Him and what He did for me dying on the cross for my sins, and me living my life for Him that makes me a Christian.


Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli ---> hear it here!!

Greater by MercyMe ---> hear it here!

#letgoandletGod #easiersaidthandonesometimes #praypraypray

A Open Letter to my 17-year-old Self

May 24, 2008-Your birthday is today. You will be 17, not a monumental year, but a year in which your life will be shaken and shattered and repaired. A year in which you will find hate from within you that you never knew existed, a year you will be angry, at God, at life, and at friends and family. This year you will question God over and over about a couple major events. But enough with the preview, let's lay it out for you.

Your birthday won't be a really special day, the usual cake and pictures. But you probably won't remember to thank your Mom for taking the time to make the cake, and everyone will probably be upset in the picture because our Dad sure finds the world's greatest times to pick on everyone's last nerve. But you will eat and enjoy the cake and family time none the less. You won't know at this time that this will be the last of your birthdays you will celebrate with your youngest brother. Your family is busy trying to prepare for Susanna and Jonathan's wedding.

May 31st, 2008-On this day, your second oldest sister will marry the love of her life Jonathan. You will be a bridesmaid, you will enjoy it! The reception in Annis' backyard will be beautiful and perfect. You will love the bridesmaid dress so much you're going to reuse it for your senior prom, and then again the following summer as the MOH for your best friend's wedding. You will come to find out that you love weddings, and you just cannot wait to have one of your own, and soon. Your time will come soon enough.

July 1st, 2008-On this day you will have the first part of the morning off from your local elevator where you are working for harvest, but they will call you in around lunch time. You will be reluctant to go, but know you want the money. You will talk to your youngest brother before leaving, tease him that you are going to steal his hat, and then tell him goodbye as you go to work. If you knew what would happen in the next 18 hours, you would have never left.

Later that evening your boss will come in and say there is an ambulance across the road from your house, and it looks like your little brother wrecked his bike. You, being naïve, and selfish, will be worried, but not enough to leave. Not enough to maybe get to say goodbye one last time to your brother. You think he just broke his leg or arm and will remain at the hospital in Oakley and you will be able to just drive over after work, so you stay. You make some phone calls, and probably were not beneficial to the elevator for the last few hours of work that night anyway, but you stay. You call your older sisters and let them know what you know. You call the house and find out that Mom rode in the ambulance, and that your older brother is driving to Oakley to meet them at the hospital. You get home from work, and by this time find out that they are flying Simon to Wichita. Now you are worried, now the regrets begin to pile up and the prayers start flowing. Dad gets home, and once we find out it is more serious than initially known, he decides he will drive to Wichita to be with Simon and Mom.

July 2nd, 2008-You have not slept yet, it is 3am. Your mom's best friend is here, you have been trying to be strong all night. You wish you would have asked Dad if you could go with him. You wish there was something, anything you could do right now. You then receive a phone call from your second oldest sister, who thought your older brother had called already with an update, but she then informs you that Simon has died, that you have lost the youngest love of your life. Your aunt will call and check up on you, and you will let her know the news. You have been numb, cold, and feel like you aren't even living in real life since the phone call. You don't know what to do. Before the sun rises, you cross the road and climb on top of the grain bin, and you watch the sun rise from up there, you take pictures of it, the first moments of the first day of the rest of your life without him. Knowing God is real and still present, but not knowing why He would take such a beautiful young joyful boy out of our lives. This day will mark the beginning of your struggle with anger. This day is also your best friend's birthday, and you will find solace in being at their house, they are your second family, and they are a slight distraction from reality. Today is your best friend's birthday, and today you lost your youngest brother. Today was supposed to be another normal day, and a joyous one at that, instead it has been turned upside down. Today is a day no one should have to live through. Today will forever rank as #1 worst day of your life.

Throughout the next couple days, you will be a part of the funeral planning, you will assist in picking out the perfect coffin, how morbid. How hard to look at coffins, such small coffins, different colors and designs. Songs for the funeral, and the people we wanted to speak, the pastor to head the service, the location, etc. This involved a lot of decisions that are hard for any family to make, for your 80 year old grandmother, and your 4 year old brother alike. No amount of warning before your loved one will die will make these decisions any easier. But you will keep your head up, and you will stay strong for your family.

July 7th, 2008-Today, today you see your brother, in his coffin. Today everything you have been wishing was just a bad dream becomes more than reality. Your family members from Michigan and New York are here, that has somewhat lightened the reality of the day. Today you will touch the dead cold body of your brother, and you will hug him, no matter what anyone thinks. Today you will grasp the cold lifeless hand of a 4 year old. Today you will cry more tears than you ever thought possible. Today you won't care what anyone says to you, you won't care that the school gym was more than packed, you won't care the amount of people that came to support your family in this horrible time of loss. You won't care how God has used this tragedy to touch so many lives, and hopefully turn them toward Him, as they watch your family be strong and make it through such a hard time. You won't care, because you are so angry. You will let the devil win this hand at this time, but don't worry, someday soon you will fight back. Your extended family will return to their homes, the summer will come to an end, and life will never be the same, but you try to return to life as you knew it.

August-September 2008-This month you will start your senior year of high school, and your oldest brother will start his first year of college in Colby. You will enjoy volleyball, you will enjoy your classmates, and the foreign exchange students that join your school system this year. You will walk through life as though nothing is different, at least you will think that is the face you have on. But you will be more transparent than you think, those closest to you will know that you have changed. Everyone knows what happened this summer, but no one talks about it. You don't talk about it. You wish it would all go away, you wish you could rewind life, you wish you could see his smiling face one more time. You continue to question God, you continue to be angry at Him. You will find yourself attracted to a man, and you will find yourself spending a lot of time with him, it is a distraction from real life, it is time away from your family, your home, the constant reminders of the child that no longer resides in your life. Your coach will see you though, she will see the anger on your face, she will see your reactions when she benches you in volleyball matches. In September, a family friend will give you a car, and a nice one at that, a 2002 Ford Taurus with maybe 120K miles on it, literally gifted it, you walked outside, and they handed you the key and went for a spin in it with you. You will be so happy you will cry, and you won't think it is real, but it is, take good care of that car, and make as many memories as you can in it.

Thanksgiving 2008-This was a weird one, how can we be thankful for anything when we lost someone we loved so dearly. How can we be happy today, when Simon doesn't get to be here? You will even feel guilty for being joyful during these occasions. You will hope that he isn't looking down here knowing you are all happy and thinking that you don't miss him, because you more than miss him, you cry daily still. You walk for hours on end after practice, always wishing when you returned home it would all just turn out to be a bad dream and he would be there. You will continue to spend most of your free time with your best friend who lives just a couple blocks away, and at your other friend's house, with whom you think you may be falling for.

Christmas 2008-You are in the middle of your basketball season, you are starting on the varsity team, per use. You are good this year! You haven't even fouled out of one game yet! You work hard out there, you play for your brother who will never be able to, you work out your anger and frustration out there, in the best way possible, you get super frustrated when coach Kent pulls you to give you a break on the bench, you just want to be out there all the time. You don't know it now, but this Christmas will be hard, it will be fun, and full of family, but hard. You will be in Michigan for this Christmas. This will be a great and adventurous trip for you all. Grandma and Grandpa Uptegrove will come, and Uncle Jer and Aunt Michelle and kiddos. It will be a blast, but you will still wish Simon was there. You will spend New Year's at your cousin's place of employment, and see the best firework show you have ever seen in your life up until this time. (Which will become second only to the show you will see next summer in Ohio on Independence day!)

January 2009-Back to life in Winona, USA. You return for practice while still on winter break. You practice your heart out, and maintain the starting varsity position, your passion for basketball is overwhelming and ultimately becomes first priority in your life. You enjoy late nights playing basketball with the guys and girls that you hang out with, classmates of your own, and those in the classes above and below you. At this point, you have distanced yourself a little more from them though, as you spend more time walking around, and more time with some boy.

January 14, 2009-After basketball practice today, you come home and find out that your oldest little brother wants to go to Colby to buy some shoes for basketball as he has already worn out the ones bought at the beginning of the season. Your best friend is going to ask to tag along, in hopes to see your brother, her boyfriend at this time, and you will be overjoyed to have her tag along. Your oldest little sister will come along as well! Road trip! You will buy the shoes, go to the college and see your brother in his dorm, and then run by Wendy's for food for your best friends family's supper. You will then leave Colby, though you don't remember the last two steps.

You will wake up in your car, the engine off, you are facing a field, it will be snowing lightly, you will hear screams, you don't know what is going on. You will overhear your best friend on the phone, and hear her crying, you will remember many bits and pieces, but never will know the whole story. You hear your sister screaming in the background. You will see your brother in the backseat, and then notice his seat being empty, and you will have no idea where he went. You will later find out he walked half a mile in the freezing cold to try and find help at the last house you passed. You continue to hear your sister screaming, you see blood all over the deployed air bag in front of your best friend, and start freaking out and try to get out. You remember falling, numerous times on the way to her side. You remember not being able to open her door, and falling numerous more times trying to get back your side, all the while she is crying and screaming, and your sister is also. At some point you remember pulling your mother's phone out of your jeans pocket and dialing 911, and telling them you are 16 (which you aren't) and telling them that you don't know where you are. You remember being freezing and an officer escorting you to his warm car while they awaited the arrival of the ambulance, you remember your little brother being assisted to the car when he made it back to the scene and sitting in the back seat of the same patrol vehicle. You remember being helped on to a stretcher, and being in pain on that stupid spine board the entire way to Oakley, and then you remember the awful sensation of the scissors running up your leg cutting off your favorite pair of jeans. You remember the anger and pain you felt when your shoulder hit the edge of the CT machine, and you remember being driven via ambulance to Colby, and then boarded on a plane, and waking in so much unbearable pain that you are overwhelmed with nausea, and they had to roll you over on your right side (broken collarbone side) so that you would be able to vomit and not aspirate. It was awful.

You will remember these bits and pieces, but not the whole story, you will never know the whole story. But you will know that you survived, and you survived for a reason, so let God use you.  And remember the toll that this is taking on your parents, pray for them, keep your head up and follow the doctor's orders, don't argue with your mom on this one, she knows what is best, and though you have convinced yourself otherwise, she isn't out to make your "miserable" life more miserable.

April 2009-Your senior trip to Florida is this month! Ft. Myers beach here we come. You will have a lot of fun on your trip. You will laugh until you cry numerous times. You will stand at the edge of the Atlantic ocean with your toes in the water, and you will feel the vastness of God upon you. You will look out as far as you can and never see the end of the ocean, you will just feel God's presence encompass you, His realness overwhelm you. You will draw your phone number in the sand, and some random boy will text you, and you and your classmates will meet up with him and his friends on the beach, and you will laugh more, and then text him for a couple days and move on with your life. You will return to KS and it will be back to reality, back to watching everyone else practice for track, going to meets and helping where it is needed.

Then comes prom night, you will have a fun time, you will not go to the after party, because you will want to spend time with your male friend, who has been there when you needed him, but when you get older you will wonder if it was more for his purposes and pleasure than being there for you, but you will never know. You're going to let that man do things to you that will make you ashamed of yourself and your friendship with him. You will regret it, and someday you will find it in yourself to forgive yourself for letting it happen, soon, not today, but someday soon.
 

You're going to hurt relationships with your closest friends, because you will be too busy being proccupied with a relationship you already know is going nowhere fast, and while you keep your anger at God bottled up inside, you can only hold so much in. You're going to break down and cry and poor your heart out to another good (also male) friend, and sometime later he is going to get drunk and try to kiss you, and you are going to be confused and hurt and helpless, and you wont know why, but you wont let him, good for you.

May 2009-You are going to graduate! You have done it, you have conquered the impossible. The date is looming in front of you. On the 5th day of this month you will be blessed with your first niece, she is adorable! You will love on her and can't wait to meet her. You will then graduate, and couple days after graduation you will go to Denver with your Momma and sister, to hop on a plane and go to Ohio to babysit for the summer while your preacher goes through chemo treatments at the Cleveland Clinic. You will celebrate your birthday there, you will get close with your pastor and his family, you will enjoy the summer, though it will be a challenging one, You will enjoy it nonetheless. Though at times you let your heart grow weary and your smile lax, you will enjoy it. Sidenote: you will be getting very tan this summer!

Most important of all, you are going start learning and understanding that God lets things happen for a reason, but you will still not really grasp that concept until you're 24, and even then you will struggle with understanding it.

 

Just know that these will be some of the best and some of the worst days of your life, turn to God in both. He blessed you with a great, and large, family, stand by them and let them stand by you through the good and bad days alike. Spend as much time with your family as you can, drive home often, hug your Momma goodbye every time, because life as we know it is precious, and our time on earth together is short. At the end of each day, the most important subjects in your life are God and family first and foremost, then friends, etc. But family matters. Let them know they do.

In a couple of years, you are going to meet someone who will be a huge ray of sunshine in your life, and that someone will listen to you pour your heart out in sorrow over the loss of your youngest brother, and then hug you, and then tell you this, "I hate that you lost your brother. But one day you will see him again like I'll get to see my grandfather. But I don't think it will matter. We'll finally be in the presence of God, and my own children won't be able to distract me from that. One day though...some day."

Until then, you will make it, and once you see Jesus face to face, none of the past will matter. Until then, keep praying, and be strong. You will make it through this year, and several to come. Enjoy life. Smile often, laugh always.

Love,
Your 24-year old self
 

"Mom"

As a dear friend of mine anxiously awaits the birth of her daughter (due date is tomorrow July 15th), the song below comes to mind. All children are a gift from heaven, and I dedicate this blog to that precious bundle of joy, her mother, and all you mothers out there. Though the anticipation is killing those two lovebirds, I know this baby will come when she and God are ready for her to be in this "big blue ball."

Meet Your Mom-by Garth Brooks
(video link at bottom)
A little baby told God, "Hey, I'm kinda scared
Don't really know if I want to go down there
From here it looks like a little blue ball
That's a great big place and I'm so small"
"Why can't I just stay here with You
Did I make You mad, don't You want me too?"
God said, "Oh, child, of course I do
But there's somebody special waiting for you."
---
 So, hush now baby don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting
Whose only goal in life
Is makin' sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel, tender, tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom
---
You'll never have a better friend
Or a warmer touch to tuck you in
She'll kiss your bruises, your bumps and scrapes
And anytime you hurt, her heart's gonna break
---
 Now, when she's talking to you
Make sure you listen close
'Cause she's gonna teach you everything
You'll ever need to know
Like how to mind your manners
To love and laugh and dream
And she'll put you on the path
That'll bring you back to Me
---
So, hush now little baby don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting
Whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel, tender, tough and strong
Come on child
It's time to meet your mom.

That song is so fitting and applies to every Mom and child. Every mother only wants to best for their children, only wishes to soothe their pain, prays away their fears. Mothers are the best example of love and nurturing that God has given us on this earth.









---This is one of the Bible's most quoted and well-known passages on love, and who is a better example of the extent of love that is described in that passage than mothers?

---Mothers are a source of honor, goodness, and loveliness. As in all things pure and virtuous, we are encouraged to think upon such things.

 

 

---All of us, whether we are children, or are raising them, should remember to give honor to our mothers.

---This passage praises God as the giver of children, calls them a heritage and reward from on high.

---Mothers are models of compassion, they never forget their children, and in fact the children can typically be placed before themselves, putting their own needs behind those needs of their child.

---I still remember seeing a pregnancy progress for the first time, seeing the child grow in the mother's tummy, seeing the first sonogram, up until and following the birth of that precious miracle. The role that mothers have in this process is unimaginable and perfect.

---God compares himself here to a mother, bringing the incredible comforting ability of a mother to mind.

---What your mother teaches you should be cherished.

---As children typically spend a majority of their time with their mothers, they tend to be who they learn from most. Mothers are credited and blamed. Mothers suffer the brunt of the attitudes, see the most firsts, and all around influence the child, especially early in age, the most. Mothers are God's biggest blessings to all of us.
 

---This talks about how Christ loved and cared for His mother. This is a prime example and lesson on how we should treat and show love to our mothers.











So mothers, love your children, and children love your moms. They carried you inside their tummies for months, let you beat them literally on the inside. So learn from them, soak up their instruction, and do all that you can to please God through your love and respect for your mothers.


Video link for "Meet Your Mom" by Garth Brooks ---> here!