It's Just a Season

This too shall pass. This is only a season. Nothing about your life now is how it is going to be forever. Though my circumstances may not change right now, tomorrow, or maybe not even next year, my outlook can. It can change right now. No matter the rut you feel you are stuck in, your heavenly Father is always there to pull you out. No matter what got you here, He will never leave or forsake you. 

Here is a picture of my earthly father assisting me down our rarely moist road to the river bottom where we had cows calving that needed checked. He has been an example of what a good father is quite often in my life, but I thought he was a prime example of our Daddy up in heaven right here. He wasn't pulling me through this mud because I had a plan or mission in mind, no. Here he was pulling me through the mud that I could not have made it through on my own that day because he had a mission for himself and for me. He had a plan, and he wanted me there to help his plan unfold. It's the same way with God. He doesn't need us but rather he wants us. He wants us there to help His plans unfold. He wants us to better His kingdom in ways He makes possible for us in our earthly bodies. But He doesn't want us to feel neglected or unwanted either. He wants us to feel needed and appreciated. But He also wants to be enough for you. He wants to know that you don't need anyone else, but that you want them. You want them in your lives to help fulfill His purpose in your time here on earth.

Sometimes we get impatient while waiting on God for His perfect timing. But sometimes God is actually the one waiting on us. Waiting on us to believe, to have faith. Waiting on us to stop being lazy about our quiet time with Him. Waiting for us to get our butts out of bed an hour before work to pray and dive into His Word.

Relax. God has the one for you. At some point in your life, someone will love you more than the expectations you have grown in the waiting. Be patient and learn to wait, because sometimes a patient person receives the best love story. Who better to receive the best love story than you?

 

Lord, help us believe. Help us be consistent in doing so. Help us consistently be in Your Word and in conversation with You, so that we may be ready when the enemy attacks us. Help us remember that when we believe, everything else will fall together. Help us remember that when we have faith, You will take care of the rest.



We need to change our outlook. We need to remember that He can move mountains on our behalf. He will bless us with the desires of our heart, according to His will, not our own. All we need to do is show Him how faithful we can be, even in the 'little' areas in our lives. He is waiting for you. God is waiting for us.

As in many events in my life, I turned to the scriptures (God's Word) to help me understand, to comprehend, and to help motivate me to keep living a life God wants for me. In this time, I look to Job. Why Job, you ask? Well, poor poor Job. God allowed Satan to directly attack Job. Job is a prime example of faithfulness as he loses all that matters to him, all that is important in his life, yet chooses to remain faithful to God. (Job 1:12) He loses his health, his wife tells him to curse God and commit suicide! But still Job remains faithful and strong. (Job 1:22). Later on his friends give him lots of bad advice. They blame his sufferings on his sins rather than God testing and growing Job. One of them was half right, saying that God wanted to humble him, but this was only a part of God's test.  Then on to the last chapters in Job. God speaks to Job. He restores him. He knows that Job received inaccurate counsel from his friends, 'Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?' (Job 38:2) God fittingly declares that humans do not know everything. Then He humbles Job by asking a series of questions that could never be answered by anyone other than the Almighty God Himself; 'Have you understood the expanse of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.' (Job 38:18) God then brings him to an understanding that believers don't always know what God is doing in their lives. In the end, Job answers God by saying, “I have declared that which I did not understand.” (Job 42:3) God then blessed Job with twice as much as he had before his trials began.

Do I feel like I am being attacked in any way comparable to that which Job was attacked? No. But I do know that I find myself impatient with life. Knowing where I thought I would have been by the time I was 25, and knowing where I find myself now, just 12 days prior to that day, well I find myself dwelling on all the things that should have been, the things that could have been, and questioning the things that would have been... I see the devil try to slip his hand into the play book and send me doubting the One who gave me breath.

Sometimes I look at my past and wonder if I am single because of the steps I chose to get to where I am today. Sometimes I wonder if I had prayed harder and listened to God more, read His Word more, listened to my mentors more, if life would have led me a little differently. If I would be somewhere else, and by this time with someone else. If my roommate would be a husband to dote on instead of my sister. If my king-sized bed would be shared every night (ha! I work night shift, dream on self) with the love of my life, rather than the occasional niece, nephew, sister, sister in law, friend. If my shower would be cluttered with men's soap, my sink sprinkled with his facial hair, my bathroom door draped with 2 bath towels instead of 1, my closet shared with men's clothing. I wonder if maybe God just needs a break from me, maybe I have been asking too much, maybe I am too needy. Maybe if I stop praying for such things, God will just let him fall into my lap, figuratively.
 

 I think a lot of things, and then I remember my Pastor praying early one Sunday morning, that the single people in our church/community, that they too would be blessed. Lord I know that I am blessed, but I pray You would help me feel it. Help me know what You want of me while I wait for Mr. Forever. Help me know what You want me to do for You in the meantime. Help me continue to pray, with an open (though longing) heart, as I wait to be joined with the one You have in my future. Lord, with all my heart I believe You have not called me to be single forever. With all my heart, my absolute love for children, my longing for a man in my life, I know that you would not have these traits be a part of me, except to prepare me for being a wife and mother. Lord, with all my heart, I pray You would wrap your arms around me and complete me while I continue to try and find my Mr. Forever to compliment me.

Just like Job, on the other side of your big mess, there is a huge blessing. Whether your big mess is something you're waiting for, something you are stuck in the midst of, or even something you have done. Instead of doubting if God still cares about us and our desires, maybe we need to question if we still care about God. We must remember this is just a season, and this too shall pass.

O Lord ~ NF                                 Though You Slay Me ~ Shane & Shane

 

 

"We are not put on earth merely to satisfy our desires, to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.

 

We are here to be changed, to be made more like God, in order to prepare us for a lifetime with him."

~ Philip Yancey

 

Patience not your best virtue? Check out this blog here, on waiting on God and His always perfect timing ---> 'Mom, I'm Hungry!'

Don't Just Hand a Band-Aid to the Wounded Soul

 

I went to the doctor a week or so ago, because my foot had been hurting for quite some time, (the feet in the picture are not mine, but simply for illustration) and the pain had become straight up unbearable. Before leaving I was told, 'I don't think anything is broken' (I concur) and to take some ibuprofen, apply ice and heat, and call back in 7-10 days if it isn't better.

I do believe I received the right treatment that day, but what if my 3-minute visit was for something more serious that may have went unnoticed because of lack of time spent with me, or concern given? What if she hadn't asked the right questions and I hadn't given the honest answers. I work with said doctor as a nurse on the acute care floor here in the hospital where I am employed, so she is somewhat familiar with me, but that was the first time she had ever seen me on that side of the spectrum, patient to doctor, not the usual nurse to doctor, caring for the same patient. Having that background professionally made me more certain that I would receive the care necessary for my dilemma, because I know what kind of doctor she is and how knowledgeable, but sometimes that is not always the case.

We don't go to the doctor with any intentions of lying, but sometimes information may get skewed. The patient may have already Google-diagnosed and only gives the answers that will result in the way they want their appointment to end and their home instructions to play out. Sometimes we come running to the clinic to be seen for something that we see as major, that may have been going on for a long time, and sometimes we get 2 minutes, a Band-Aid, an antibiotic, and a 'see you later, get well.' --- That upsets us, that upsets our mothers, and it upsets our insurance companies (and our bank accounts) when we have go come running back, this time to the ER because the clinic is closed on weekends, and the 'running back' only happens on weekends, or after midnight you know!) because the first issue wasn't properly addressed and is now more complex, requiring more treatment, and quite possibly hospitalization.

If we don't want to get Band-Aided for our physical health, why should we Band-Aid those around us who are suffering in their spiritual health.

What if that lost soul or broken heart came to church seeking love or friendship, God and answers, but we didn't take a real moment to get to know them? What if they came for months, and you still didn't have the slightest clue to what their story entailed? What if even though you never asked the right questions, slowly they gave you hints and tidbits on what was really going on, and you never picked up on them and never tried to put that puzzle together? What if they already know what's wrong with them, maybe abortion, a miscarriage, maybe a hurting relationship, maybe abuse, a death in the family, maybe total and complete despair, maybe financial issues, maybe health that hasn't been restored even while trusting and giving it completely to Him. We may say hello, we may temporarily bandage them with some artificial and possibly forced love and hugs as they walk in or walk out, but let us not be a Band-Aid society, let us really delve in and get to know the people in our churches on Sundays, Wednesdays, and any other day of the week. Take them to lunch, give them a few extra minutes after the service before you run off with your other 'more important' priorities each week. Embrace their need for the Savior.

Maybe God has allowed this person to hit rock bottom and come into contact with you because He has a plan and He knows you too have a story. No matter what that story of your own entails, if He is a part of it, you can always be there for that person in need, love on them, and pray for their needs whether they be physically, spiritually, &/or emotionally. So what if your past is in ruins and full of mistakes, join the club. So what if you aren't 'perfect', weird, you must be human. God chose you and wants to use you, so let Him!

Washed in Mercy

"You're restoring me piece by piece. There's nothing too dirty, that you can't make worthy. You wash me in mercy, I am clean."

Lyrics from the song "Clean"by Natalie Grant (watch her music video by clicking the link at the end)

I am a sinner. I know just how unworthy I am of God's matchless mercy and unfathomable grace. I absolutely love music. It has accompanied me through the hardest and easiest times of my life, and all the in between times. This song throws open the door to this facade we may create of God and His abilities. The truth is, nothing we have done is beyond His forgiveness, we can't go anywhere and expect to be beyond His gracious reach. We can't say anything and anticipate losing His love. He is everywhere at all times, but He is only in control of our lives where we let Him be in control. He does not make decisions for us, cool thing is, He gives us that freedom. He lets us make decisions daily about our lives. He is in control, but you are too. He can only control however much you give to Him to be in control of.

Sometimes when life throws us a curveball, we think that God has left us, or He is out to get us, so we stray from Him and His Word, His church, and His will. Sometimes when we are at a high point in our lives, we forget that God is still there, and again, stray. We know God is a selfish God, but, likewise, we are a selfish people, but unlike God, we are afraid to admit it. We love to thank Him when things go our way, if we remember to thank Him that is, and we indulge even more in pointing fingers and blaming Him when things don't go our way. And yet, our loving Father continues to do just that, love on us, because that is who He is, He is love. He continues to care for us, meet our needs, and sustain our lives, even after we are so unappreciative.

When we say that prayer, giving our hearts and lives over to Him, promising to do what we can to live according to His will in our lives, and vowing to abide by His commandments and His laws put forth before us in His Word, we are promised eternal life. We aren't promised a perfect dream-worthy life, we aren't promised a strife-free life, we aren't promised an easy life, we aren't promised a sin-free life. We are promised that we will spend eternity, after our life on this earth, in heaven with our Maker, and that for the time spent on this earth, we are promised the Holy Spirit within us, and the heavenly Father beside us to guide us. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but as believers we know Who holds tomorrow, and we know Who holds our future here on earth, and later in heaven.

So if you know you are a Christian, you know that God loves you, and you know that He sent His only Son to die on a cross for you, to take the burden of all your sins off of your shoulders, and bear them upon His own. (If you aren't, well you are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime, literally, I don't care how cheesy that sounds!) Take a minute today, and thank God for all He has done for you in your life. No one has a good day everyday, but if you are reading this, then at least you were given another day, do your best to make it a good one!

Recently, while in the hospital with my Dad, I was sitting in a commons area in his unit, and there was a kind gentleman who had walked by my Dad's room on his many laps around the unit, and stopped just now to speak with me and my family. He said he is generally a happy man, positive all the time. He said walking around out here trying to find someone to make smile will help him get better faster than lying around in that hospital bed. That was the most positive 80-something year old man I had ever made contact with, and totally made my day! That man went in to have a pacemaker placed, and though I never caught his name, I prayed a lot for him that day and the next, and his precious wife he so dotingly loved on and his daughters. He is a prime example of someone who loves God and knows God won't give him more than he can handle. He was in a hospital, with heart issues, and yet desired to show God's love and joy to others around him rather than be waited on and lie around in his room. His heart seemed right with the Lord for sure. I strive to be that person everyday, one with a genuine smile, because no matter what trials have come my way, I know that Jesus is here and He will help me through it.


"Clean" by Natalie Grant Enjoy! =)  <---click there

My Sin is No More Clean than Yours...

This world thrives on political correctness. I completely disregard it. If it is not what I feel or believe, (or illegal) then I in no way shape or form am required conform what I say and do to fit the world's vision of correct. The world is full of people who will tell you everything you want to hear, just the way they know you would want to hear it, well I am not one of those people, I would rather have you hear the truth. The enemies of God would love for you to be deceived, but God only wants the best for your life, He wants you to know the truth.

You and I, we may be very alike, or very different, but NO MATTER who you are, we have one thing in common for sure, that is that--according to God, our creator--we are all sinners. He made us, and loves us far beyond what we can even begin to imagine and comprehend. But we, all of mankind, have a problem, which the Bible calls sin. Sin is anything that we do in disobedience to God's laws, and this disease has infected the souls of the entire human race, from birth to death, we all will have this one thing in common.

Within the Bible, which is the Word of God, lies the standards by which God says we should live. It says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." {Romans 3:23} It also states quite clearly that the penalty for us sinners is death {Romans 6:23}. The human race is under a death sentence because of sin, it is what we deserve, but because we have a loving and gracious God, He sent His Son, Jesus, from Heaven down here to this earth on a mission to save each and every one of us. This means you, because God does love you. No matter your past, all God cares about is your future, which He (and I) hope is spent in and with Him.

How did His Son save us from this death sentence? Don't all humans die? Yes, we do. But He sent his Son Jesus, who not only drug his own cross to Calvary to be hung, but also carried each and every one of our sins as well. He carried them to the cross, took them to the grave, was buried, and on the third day, God raised His Son from the dead. He is alive! He can come into your heart and life today if you let Him. The Bible tell us, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." {John 3:16} God wants all of us to be in heaven with Him for eternity, but our sins are blocking the way.

I am a sinner too. What my sins consist of, is not even a speck of dust cleaner than those of my neighbor, or yours, or anyone else's--they're just forgiven. Sin is sin is sin. No sin may look alike to the human eye, but my lie in God's eyes, is just as terrible as another man's murder. I found this picture as a good example, to us humans, some sins look bigger, and of different severities, but all God sees is sin. To Him, sin is sin. And it separates Him from His creation that He loves.

When I was a young child, I repented of my sins, and asked God to forgive me and save me. I asked Jesus to come into my life and take control. I live this life, happy and thankful, because I know that He forgave me of those sins, past, present, and future. I live today, knowing not what my future on earth holds, but from the future that lies beyond the second I take my last breath, that is guaranteed for me. I will be in heaven, in the glorious realm of my God. 


I rest assured in this, because in the Bible it teaches us, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." How great is this promise?! I want you to know this today! That you too can be forgiven, cleansed, and set free from the power sin has held over you, by believing and trusting in Christ, as Savior and Lord.  The Bible says that "If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" {John 8:36}.

All it takes is you, wherever you are, to say a prayer, inviting Christ into your heart and life, asking Him, from your heart, to help you turn from sin. To believe in your heart that Jesus died on the cross for you, carried your sins to His deathbed, and was raised back to life on the third day, and reigns now in heaven with God the Father. And turn, turn towards the Bible, do as He says, strive to live a life pleasing to God from this day forward. Let the Holy Spirit come and dwell within you. And then go, tell your best friend, tell your neighbor, tell your mom, because this is news worthy of sharing, this is amazing news, and read your Bible! If you don't have one, one can be purchased at your local Walmart or dollar store for cheap, or just make a trip to a local church, as I am sure they would gladly give one to you as a "welcome to the family" gift!

A Open Letter to my 17-year-old Self

May 24, 2008-Your birthday is today. You will be 17, not a monumental year, but a year in which your life will be shaken and shattered and repaired. A year in which you will find hate from within you that you never knew existed, a year you will be angry, at God, at life, and at friends and family. This year you will question God over and over about a couple major events. But enough with the preview, let's lay it out for you.

Your birthday won't be a really special day, the usual cake and pictures. But you probably won't remember to thank your Mom for taking the time to make the cake, and everyone will probably be upset in the picture because our Dad sure finds the world's greatest times to pick on everyone's last nerve. But you will eat and enjoy the cake and family time none the less. You won't know at this time that this will be the last of your birthdays you will celebrate with your youngest brother. Your family is busy trying to prepare for Susanna and Jonathan's wedding.

May 31st, 2008-On this day, your second oldest sister will marry the love of her life Jonathan. You will be a bridesmaid, you will enjoy it! The reception in Annis' backyard will be beautiful and perfect. You will love the bridesmaid dress so much you're going to reuse it for your senior prom, and then again the following summer as the MOH for your best friend's wedding. You will come to find out that you love weddings, and you just cannot wait to have one of your own, and soon. Your time will come soon enough.

July 1st, 2008-On this day you will have the first part of the morning off from your local elevator where you are working for harvest, but they will call you in around lunch time. You will be reluctant to go, but know you want the money. You will talk to your youngest brother before leaving, tease him that you are going to steal his hat, and then tell him goodbye as you go to work. If you knew what would happen in the next 18 hours, you would have never left.

Later that evening your boss will come in and say there is an ambulance across the road from your house, and it looks like your little brother wrecked his bike. You, being naïve, and selfish, will be worried, but not enough to leave. Not enough to maybe get to say goodbye one last time to your brother. You think he just broke his leg or arm and will remain at the hospital in Oakley and you will be able to just drive over after work, so you stay. You make some phone calls, and probably were not beneficial to the elevator for the last few hours of work that night anyway, but you stay. You call your older sisters and let them know what you know. You call the house and find out that Mom rode in the ambulance, and that your older brother is driving to Oakley to meet them at the hospital. You get home from work, and by this time find out that they are flying Simon to Wichita. Now you are worried, now the regrets begin to pile up and the prayers start flowing. Dad gets home, and once we find out it is more serious than initially known, he decides he will drive to Wichita to be with Simon and Mom.

July 2nd, 2008-You have not slept yet, it is 3am. Your mom's best friend is here, you have been trying to be strong all night. You wish you would have asked Dad if you could go with him. You wish there was something, anything you could do right now. You then receive a phone call from your second oldest sister, who thought your older brother had called already with an update, but she then informs you that Simon has died, that you have lost the youngest love of your life. Your aunt will call and check up on you, and you will let her know the news. You have been numb, cold, and feel like you aren't even living in real life since the phone call. You don't know what to do. Before the sun rises, you cross the road and climb on top of the grain bin, and you watch the sun rise from up there, you take pictures of it, the first moments of the first day of the rest of your life without him. Knowing God is real and still present, but not knowing why He would take such a beautiful young joyful boy out of our lives. This day will mark the beginning of your struggle with anger. This day is also your best friend's birthday, and you will find solace in being at their house, they are your second family, and they are a slight distraction from reality. Today is your best friend's birthday, and today you lost your youngest brother. Today was supposed to be another normal day, and a joyous one at that, instead it has been turned upside down. Today is a day no one should have to live through. Today will forever rank as #1 worst day of your life.

Throughout the next couple days, you will be a part of the funeral planning, you will assist in picking out the perfect coffin, how morbid. How hard to look at coffins, such small coffins, different colors and designs. Songs for the funeral, and the people we wanted to speak, the pastor to head the service, the location, etc. This involved a lot of decisions that are hard for any family to make, for your 80 year old grandmother, and your 4 year old brother alike. No amount of warning before your loved one will die will make these decisions any easier. But you will keep your head up, and you will stay strong for your family.

July 7th, 2008-Today, today you see your brother, in his coffin. Today everything you have been wishing was just a bad dream becomes more than reality. Your family members from Michigan and New York are here, that has somewhat lightened the reality of the day. Today you will touch the dead cold body of your brother, and you will hug him, no matter what anyone thinks. Today you will grasp the cold lifeless hand of a 4 year old. Today you will cry more tears than you ever thought possible. Today you won't care what anyone says to you, you won't care that the school gym was more than packed, you won't care the amount of people that came to support your family in this horrible time of loss. You won't care how God has used this tragedy to touch so many lives, and hopefully turn them toward Him, as they watch your family be strong and make it through such a hard time. You won't care, because you are so angry. You will let the devil win this hand at this time, but don't worry, someday soon you will fight back. Your extended family will return to their homes, the summer will come to an end, and life will never be the same, but you try to return to life as you knew it.

August-September 2008-This month you will start your senior year of high school, and your oldest brother will start his first year of college in Colby. You will enjoy volleyball, you will enjoy your classmates, and the foreign exchange students that join your school system this year. You will walk through life as though nothing is different, at least you will think that is the face you have on. But you will be more transparent than you think, those closest to you will know that you have changed. Everyone knows what happened this summer, but no one talks about it. You don't talk about it. You wish it would all go away, you wish you could rewind life, you wish you could see his smiling face one more time. You continue to question God, you continue to be angry at Him. You will find yourself attracted to a man, and you will find yourself spending a lot of time with him, it is a distraction from real life, it is time away from your family, your home, the constant reminders of the child that no longer resides in your life. Your coach will see you though, she will see the anger on your face, she will see your reactions when she benches you in volleyball matches. In September, a family friend will give you a car, and a nice one at that, a 2002 Ford Taurus with maybe 120K miles on it, literally gifted it, you walked outside, and they handed you the key and went for a spin in it with you. You will be so happy you will cry, and you won't think it is real, but it is, take good care of that car, and make as many memories as you can in it.

Thanksgiving 2008-This was a weird one, how can we be thankful for anything when we lost someone we loved so dearly. How can we be happy today, when Simon doesn't get to be here? You will even feel guilty for being joyful during these occasions. You will hope that he isn't looking down here knowing you are all happy and thinking that you don't miss him, because you more than miss him, you cry daily still. You walk for hours on end after practice, always wishing when you returned home it would all just turn out to be a bad dream and he would be there. You will continue to spend most of your free time with your best friend who lives just a couple blocks away, and at your other friend's house, with whom you think you may be falling for.

Christmas 2008-You are in the middle of your basketball season, you are starting on the varsity team, per use. You are good this year! You haven't even fouled out of one game yet! You work hard out there, you play for your brother who will never be able to, you work out your anger and frustration out there, in the best way possible, you get super frustrated when coach Kent pulls you to give you a break on the bench, you just want to be out there all the time. You don't know it now, but this Christmas will be hard, it will be fun, and full of family, but hard. You will be in Michigan for this Christmas. This will be a great and adventurous trip for you all. Grandma and Grandpa Uptegrove will come, and Uncle Jer and Aunt Michelle and kiddos. It will be a blast, but you will still wish Simon was there. You will spend New Year's at your cousin's place of employment, and see the best firework show you have ever seen in your life up until this time. (Which will become second only to the show you will see next summer in Ohio on Independence day!)

January 2009-Back to life in Winona, USA. You return for practice while still on winter break. You practice your heart out, and maintain the starting varsity position, your passion for basketball is overwhelming and ultimately becomes first priority in your life. You enjoy late nights playing basketball with the guys and girls that you hang out with, classmates of your own, and those in the classes above and below you. At this point, you have distanced yourself a little more from them though, as you spend more time walking around, and more time with some boy.

January 14, 2009-After basketball practice today, you come home and find out that your oldest little brother wants to go to Colby to buy some shoes for basketball as he has already worn out the ones bought at the beginning of the season. Your best friend is going to ask to tag along, in hopes to see your brother, her boyfriend at this time, and you will be overjoyed to have her tag along. Your oldest little sister will come along as well! Road trip! You will buy the shoes, go to the college and see your brother in his dorm, and then run by Wendy's for food for your best friends family's supper. You will then leave Colby, though you don't remember the last two steps.

You will wake up in your car, the engine off, you are facing a field, it will be snowing lightly, you will hear screams, you don't know what is going on. You will overhear your best friend on the phone, and hear her crying, you will remember many bits and pieces, but never will know the whole story. You hear your sister screaming in the background. You will see your brother in the backseat, and then notice his seat being empty, and you will have no idea where he went. You will later find out he walked half a mile in the freezing cold to try and find help at the last house you passed. You continue to hear your sister screaming, you see blood all over the deployed air bag in front of your best friend, and start freaking out and try to get out. You remember falling, numerous times on the way to her side. You remember not being able to open her door, and falling numerous more times trying to get back your side, all the while she is crying and screaming, and your sister is also. At some point you remember pulling your mother's phone out of your jeans pocket and dialing 911, and telling them you are 16 (which you aren't) and telling them that you don't know where you are. You remember being freezing and an officer escorting you to his warm car while they awaited the arrival of the ambulance, you remember your little brother being assisted to the car when he made it back to the scene and sitting in the back seat of the same patrol vehicle. You remember being helped on to a stretcher, and being in pain on that stupid spine board the entire way to Oakley, and then you remember the awful sensation of the scissors running up your leg cutting off your favorite pair of jeans. You remember the anger and pain you felt when your shoulder hit the edge of the CT machine, and you remember being driven via ambulance to Colby, and then boarded on a plane, and waking in so much unbearable pain that you are overwhelmed with nausea, and they had to roll you over on your right side (broken collarbone side) so that you would be able to vomit and not aspirate. It was awful.

You will remember these bits and pieces, but not the whole story, you will never know the whole story. But you will know that you survived, and you survived for a reason, so let God use you.  And remember the toll that this is taking on your parents, pray for them, keep your head up and follow the doctor's orders, don't argue with your mom on this one, she knows what is best, and though you have convinced yourself otherwise, she isn't out to make your "miserable" life more miserable.

April 2009-Your senior trip to Florida is this month! Ft. Myers beach here we come. You will have a lot of fun on your trip. You will laugh until you cry numerous times. You will stand at the edge of the Atlantic ocean with your toes in the water, and you will feel the vastness of God upon you. You will look out as far as you can and never see the end of the ocean, you will just feel God's presence encompass you, His realness overwhelm you. You will draw your phone number in the sand, and some random boy will text you, and you and your classmates will meet up with him and his friends on the beach, and you will laugh more, and then text him for a couple days and move on with your life. You will return to KS and it will be back to reality, back to watching everyone else practice for track, going to meets and helping where it is needed.

Then comes prom night, you will have a fun time, you will not go to the after party, because you will want to spend time with your male friend, who has been there when you needed him, but when you get older you will wonder if it was more for his purposes and pleasure than being there for you, but you will never know. You're going to let that man do things to you that will make you ashamed of yourself and your friendship with him. You will regret it, and someday you will find it in yourself to forgive yourself for letting it happen, soon, not today, but someday soon.
 

You're going to hurt relationships with your closest friends, because you will be too busy being proccupied with a relationship you already know is going nowhere fast, and while you keep your anger at God bottled up inside, you can only hold so much in. You're going to break down and cry and poor your heart out to another good (also male) friend, and sometime later he is going to get drunk and try to kiss you, and you are going to be confused and hurt and helpless, and you wont know why, but you wont let him, good for you.

May 2009-You are going to graduate! You have done it, you have conquered the impossible. The date is looming in front of you. On the 5th day of this month you will be blessed with your first niece, she is adorable! You will love on her and can't wait to meet her. You will then graduate, and couple days after graduation you will go to Denver with your Momma and sister, to hop on a plane and go to Ohio to babysit for the summer while your preacher goes through chemo treatments at the Cleveland Clinic. You will celebrate your birthday there, you will get close with your pastor and his family, you will enjoy the summer, though it will be a challenging one, You will enjoy it nonetheless. Though at times you let your heart grow weary and your smile lax, you will enjoy it. Sidenote: you will be getting very tan this summer!

Most important of all, you are going start learning and understanding that God lets things happen for a reason, but you will still not really grasp that concept until you're 24, and even then you will struggle with understanding it.

 

Just know that these will be some of the best and some of the worst days of your life, turn to God in both. He blessed you with a great, and large, family, stand by them and let them stand by you through the good and bad days alike. Spend as much time with your family as you can, drive home often, hug your Momma goodbye every time, because life as we know it is precious, and our time on earth together is short. At the end of each day, the most important subjects in your life are God and family first and foremost, then friends, etc. But family matters. Let them know they do.

In a couple of years, you are going to meet someone who will be a huge ray of sunshine in your life, and that someone will listen to you pour your heart out in sorrow over the loss of your youngest brother, and then hug you, and then tell you this, "I hate that you lost your brother. But one day you will see him again like I'll get to see my grandfather. But I don't think it will matter. We'll finally be in the presence of God, and my own children won't be able to distract me from that. One day though...some day."

Until then, you will make it, and once you see Jesus face to face, none of the past will matter. Until then, keep praying, and be strong. You will make it through this year, and several to come. Enjoy life. Smile often, laugh always.

Love,
Your 24-year old self
 

Sinner's Hope

"Jesus refused to close His ear or His eyes to the cries of a world in pain, loneliness, despair, disease, and imminent death. So, He came to us and became pain for us on a cross. Driven by love, His outstretched arms on the cross were the universal symbol of an invitation for a loving embrace. His cross says, 'I'm here. I heard your cry and I saw your pain. My love will make you complete, Believe.' His empty tomb says, 'Follow Me and live beyond the grave where pain cannot travel to and death cannot exist.' " -Don Jennings

We live in a world full of hurt, full of sin, full of Satan. Temptations are always upon us, right around the corner, staring at us in our face, or waiting for us in tomorrow's time. It's no surprise to us, or to God that temptation is all around us, all that matters is how we respond to it, what we do, how we manage those temptations. I would like to say I am perfect and innocent, and never give in or are overcome by these temptations. That I, a Christian woman, constantly pray and rely on God to help me break through the walls of temptation. But I, as any other sinner on this earth, am not perfect, and have given in, sometimes over and over, and over. Then I get slapped in the face, and God wakes me up, and guides me back to Him.

This happened just recently, I was tempted, and let the devil win. The entire time, I knew what I was doing, I knew what was right and what was wrong about it. I let it happen. I enjoyed almost every second of it, and that is exactly what Satan wanted me to do. I could sit here and point fingers at the devil all day, but all in all I am the one to blame. If I loved Jesus, and my relationships as much as I should have, then I would have prayed about it, and asked Him to help me overcome the temptation that was tripping me up. But when I sat around, and didn't listen to my conscience and didn't obey His commandments, a slap in the face is exactly what I needed, and in fact what it took to wake me up and make me quit succumbing to the temptation. I admit I am a sinner, and there is no way this girl is making it to heaven without God's infinite grace, praise be to Him for that.

People walk in and out of our lives everyday. Strangers become friends, and friends become strangers. Sometimes one relationship change is easier than another, regardless, one must pray, and know that God has a will for whatever happens in our lives. Even though we walk through life with free will and choice to everything we say do and believe, He still is in control, and He always knows what is going on and what will come to be. Every relationship will come to pass, everyone dies, death is the outcome for every living being, but if you choose Him, and a relationship with Him, that is the one relationship that is everlasting, will last into eternity, thus should be the one on which you spend most of your time improving. I have to remind myself all the time of this. Especially here recently, but what has helped is just letting Jesus hear my whole heart, spilling all my guts and broken pieces out into His arms, His ears. Letting Him know that I know that He is there and He is listening, letting Him hear my confession and repentance. Asking Him for comfort and a new direction, and seeking it in His Word. 

My heart aches for the pain I have caused some people that I absolutely love dearly, pain I cannot take back, pain that I cannot heal at this time, pain that I have to rely on God's hands to heal, and rely on His comfort to know is being healed. Pain that I am sure is way beyond the pains I constantly feel for my sorry self. I betrayed, decieved, and practically tore apart a relationship I never wanted to do that to. Thus, I sit back and pay the consequences, and pray. Pray to a sovereign Lord who heals all pain, I don't even care at this point if He tends to my pain, though I know He already is, but I pray He is healing the wounds in them that I have created. 

And as always, I don't forget about my prayer warriors. Those people that I rely on with my prayer requests and needs, those people that fervently pray for me, I let them know of my struggles, and accept their hand in God's help. When you are hurting, He is there. When you are happy, He is there. I am thankful for His help through the tough times and give Him my appreciation in the ups, He more than deserves it.

'Trust in God's timing. It's better to wait awhile and have things fall into place, than to rush and have things fall apart.' -Adam Cappa

2 Cor. 5:10 "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be bad or good."