Eyes that See the Best

 

More often than not society will call a person who tries to see the best in people a 'naïve' person. Why? I think there are many reasons.
 
Maybe they misunderstand 'the best in people'. Maybe they mistaken it as viewing people through rose-tinted glasses.
 
Maybe it is because we cannot relate to people without their flaws being hung out in the air between us. Maybe it is because people that are more flawed than ourselves, make us feel better about ourselves, superior. Those we see as equally flawed as ourselves, may make us feel relieved. And those who portray fewer flaws than us, well they make us feel ashamed. And shame is the last feeling anyone wants to feel.

 
I do my best to see the best in people. I assume that people will do the right thing, make the right choices, stand up for the right causes, simply be the best them.
 
More importantly, I think the key word is 'in'. To see the best IN them. In order to see the best in someone, you still have to see them for what they are, and that may not always mean that the picture will be pretty. But they are who God made them to be.

Recognize that we are all sinners, roaming one planet together, each facing different struggles in different walks of life. No one has lived the exact life you are living, no one has experienced the same things you have. Yes maybe a friend here has went through such and such that you have as well. Maybe your mother or father faced this struggle or that hardship. But no one other person, has faced and survived every single stumbling block or flat road you have. So, you have to assume the same for others. Assume they may not be going through the easiest time in their life, assume they too have struggles, but are just trying to be the best them they can manage at this given time in their life. Assume there are many great qualities in them. These qualities may be shadowed by the current situation, hiding under the surface, bogged down by a recent misfortune. But assume they are there, and do what you can to expose those qualities.
 

I firmly believe that everyone wants to be the best person they can be. Sometimes that is not always an easy thing to achieve. Some people think the effort is worth it, and maintain directing all their energy and work into becoming a better them. Some people get lost. Each person faces their own unique challenges along the way. We all struggle, and often stumble. Sometimes we stumble on each other, sometimes we trample on each other.
 
Some people feel it is 'safer' to maintain a pessimistic view. Why risk having your trust broken when you can just not trust anyone? Much simpler. There are plenty of people in the world that will drain you, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. Some are just plain dangerous, bad for you, and should be avoided. So no, don't walk around seeing each new person you meet as an angel without a cause. That would be naïve.  
 

 

BUT seeing the best in people doesn't necessarily have to be naïve. It simply means seeing the better side of people, and working with that. People are multi-dimensional beings. For example, an awful husband could be a fantastic father. That annoying friend you have that never shuts up, they may be fantastic as a salesperson. Every strength comes with weakness.
 

So when I tell you I look at people, with the intent of seeing the best in them, I mean it. And I mean that I am making every intention to see people wholly and compassionately. That may not entail being able to block out all their 'bad' characteristics, but it certainly means not choosing to focus on that. Energy spent doing that is energy wasted. Find the good in people, because there is good in everyone, and you will come to realize that you have good within yourself as well.

How does one do that?
 
Firstly, slow down. Take a few moments and be curious about the good qualities in a person. Open your eyes, take off the translucent-colored glasses of negativity bias, and see what the facts really are.
 
See the person's positive intentions. Try to see the good intentions of the people around you. Particularly, sense the longing to be happy in the heart of every person.
 
Acknowledge their abilities. Unseen ripples spread far and wide when we see abilities in others, and acknowledge them openly.
 
See their positive character traits. Unless you are surrounded by sociopaths, everyone you know must possess many virtues. Maybe they have determination, generosity, kindness, patience, energy, honesty, fairness, compassion. Take a moment to observe these traits in others.
 
Recognize that the good you see in others, is also in you. You couldn't see that good if you did not have an inkling of what it was. You have positive intentions, real abilities, and virtues of the mind and heart. Take a moment and let that fact sink in.

 

You don't need a halo to be a truly good person. You are a truly good person.

 

#putyourloveglasseson ~ Beckah Shae

Chain Breaker ~ Zach Williams

Start Over ~ NF ft Flame

O Lord ~ NF

 

 

 

Being Still

Exodus 14:14 (KJV) 'The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.'

Conflict is inevitable. When it comes, our inborn nature is to choose fight or flight. But as children of God, we are challenged to choose another alternative---stillness.

'What does being still have to do with conflict?' you ask. Well let me tell you how they are related in my mind and in my walk with Christ. Stillness has several implications, all of which are helpful.

Stillness is: a state of calm
The most common mistake people make when facing difficulty is to react impulsively and rashly. When you feel anger or panic washing over you like a tidal wave, run to God in prayer. Nothing brings calm like prayer, nor will anything restore your peace like the quietness of conversation with God.

Stillness is: a form of waiting
There is so much wisdom in waiting for some time to pass so you can gain a clearer and more objective perspective.

Google states that the definition of 'wait' is:
 (verb)

1.

stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens

--or--

2.

used to indicate that one is eagerly impatient to do something or for something to happen

So be still, wait.

Stillness is: faith in the peace that is coming
Those who trust in the Lord find their security in what they believe rather than in what they see. Learn to trust the Lord's counsel and provision, even when it looks as if things may not pan out the way you prefer them to.

___________________

When everything around you is in chaos, being still gives God a chance to do His best work.

___________________


When I think about where I struggle the most with waiting, sometimes I freak out. Sometimes, and always more beneficial each and every time I do, I pray. I do my best to completely give it over to God. Sometimes that means a simple prayer, and my full reliance on Him and His work in my life. Sometimes that means writing whatever is weighing me down and causing conflict, usually externally, and even sometimes the physical burning of the 'issue' that I wrote on paper, while giving it over to God. I am typically a girl-on-the-go. I like to go, go, go. Especially during the school year, my nights off are for siblings' sporting events, and family events. So that means, my nights off, aren't really nights off. But I like it! I like a packed calendar. But, being so busy, I forget to be still and listen and just be with God.

He has already proven that He can calm any storm, so whatever storm He is letting you be in right now, He is just showing you that you need Him, you need to depend on Him. He is saying, 'I am in control.' Psalms 107:28-29 (KJV) 'Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.'

I find it easiest to be still, when I am alone. Sometimes my 'still' time is at work, but that is quite frequently interrupted and seemingly less beneficial to me and my relationship with God. Find a quiet place, an empty room, maybe your backyard, or if you've seen War Room, and feel like you need something that separate and enclosed, your closet. Find a place where you don't have anything else to worry about. Where you can be you, and God can be God, and you can be one with each other, conversing and hanging out with Him. Being still and relaxing in the Lord gets easier each time I make time for it.

'The quieter you become, the more you can hear.' ~Ram Dass

 

Don't forget...

 Enjoy some of the not-so-random music videos I always post at the end of each blog! :)

 

Breathe ~ Jonny Diaz

Thy Will ~ Hillary Scott & the Scott Family

Yearn ~ Shane and Shane

 

Thanks for reading, and I pray something I wrote reaches someone who needs to hear it today. God bless y'all!

Steak for Breakfast

Me, a night shift nurse. There's good. There's bad. And yes, there's ugly. 

I started out my day yesterday waking up, showering, and running to the local grocery store for some salad for a dinner I had planned with one of my favorite families, their last night with their son before they send him off to college. The first thing I ate yesterday was steak. 

Momma probably would have been in awe if I woke up as a child or a teen and asked for steak for breakfast. That is a little abnormal. But the steak for breakfast yesterday? That was completely not off-the-wall at all for me. That is my new norm. No I don't eat steak for breakfast everyday, but the reason supper at 9pm was my 'breakfast' time is because working night shift has taken its hold on me, and rarely releases its grip. 

______________________

the Good: 

If you asked me a year and half ago if I enjoyed night shift, I would have said yes, absolutely, with no reserve. If you asked me yesterday, I would have said yes again. But the hesitation is becoming more evident, creeping up. My body and mind usually do okay sleeping in the day and staying awake all night. I am an energetic person. It is my norm. I love to laugh, and enjoy even more to make other people laugh, even if sometimes they are just laughing at my snaughling. 



Since being on night shift, I have had multiple of my elders and peers discouraging it,  pushing me to opt for a day shift position if I was given the choice. But back when I started on night shift, I was excited. Hey, differential, am I right? I enjoy the management-less building. I enjoy the drama-less co-workers I typically get to work with all night long. But. Over the past 12 months. My drive to be on night shift has certainly lessened. I still enjoy the differential, but it was never all about the money for me, and never will be. I still enjoy most of my co-workers, although sometimes some of my faves really let me down. But my heart doesn't seem to be in it anymore. 

the Bad:

I am emotionally exhausted. I go to work, do my best to please the patients while still maintaining the healthcare standards necessary and put in place to give them the best care to my ability and within my scope of practice, and get them healthy and home as soon as possible. But I go to work, and my patience is literally about as short as the fuse on a Bobcat (firecracker that is). It takes about 3 seconds of an unable-to-be-satisfied-patient's bad attitude to make me want to just go home immediately. Unfortunately in those moments, patients still need their nurses to get better and get home, so emergency emotional-breakdown-on-the-verge-Rachael moments, don't come with a quick solution at all hours of the night/morning. 

I used to go to work everyday, and think about how blessed I am that I am not the sick one in the bed. That I was privileged enough to be able to go to school, had worked hard enough to graduate, and now get to go to work every single day to help make people's lives better. Yes, even the 6 year old who I have to put an IV in, yes even that child, I get to do what I can to make that kid's life better. Here lately, I still find myself blessed that I am well, and able to care for those that aren't. But each shift feels more like a routine, like a cycle, like I am a hamster stuck in this wheel called life. The only relief from what has seemingly become an episode of my life stuck on constant repeat, is sleep. 

the Ugly:

I am mentally exhausted. I bring it home. I take it to my best friend's house. I take it to my Mom's. I have to hide it in church, where I should feel most free to be most transparent, I hide it best. I am tired at weird times all the time. It makes me moody sometimes. I am very impatient with people. I am easily annoyed with pointless (in my opinion) stories and wasted time. Sleeping all day, even on my nights off, because I have no motivation, I have few friends here, and we typically live on opposite schedules. I would not consider myself a clinically depressed person, I still find joy in simple things, and I can still sport a smile like a champ, but I guarantee I smile a significant amount less than a year ago. I notice it, I notice the increased negativity, and am unable to find the means to change it.  And I strongly believe working nights can assume part of that blame. As well as the devil himself.



I am spiritually exhausted. My faith in God has not faltered, not one bit. But, I don't strive to feed it. I don't just sit down and read my Bible anymore. I used to always make a point of it, even if it meant reading on my break at work, I would always find time to sit and at least read a chapter or two. It was important, very important to me. Seems I got comfortable where my relationship with Christ was, and I pushed it aside, I don't make it a priority anymore. I used to be able to attend Thursday night Bible study with the ladies as well as Wednesday morning coffee. But even those are few and far between anymore. But simply put, I don't spend as much time hanging out with God as I used to. And that is wearing on me. That is the ugliest part of me right now. 

______________________

If you're reading this. Maybe you are finding yourself in a similar struggle or slump. Welcome. You are so incredibly not alone. In fact, before reading this blog, before realizing there is someone else out there with some of the similar struggles, God was there. He is always there. I never forget that, not anymore. But sometimes I feel Him closer than other times. Not because He moves away from me, but because I find myself drifting away from Him. 



Instead of worrying about whether I am on day shift or night shift, pray for my walk with God. Instead of asking me why I am still single, pray for my Mr. Forever. Instead of wondering if I am getting more (enough) sleep, pray that I am getting more God-time, and in correlation acquiring more patience at work, at home, and just in my all-around life. Starting with my poor roommate that never gets to see me, but when she is unfortunate enough to have a run-in with me, it is usually not the most pleasant experience from her end I am sure. Sorry Becca. 

As I continue trying to find myself in this crazy world, I pray I continue my endeavor to find more and more of God. I pray that my family, co-workers, friends, and acquaintances will accept my sincere apology for my recent setbacks in my faith, attitude, and all-around peace.

Lastly, get yourself to church. Fellowship with my believing peers keeps me sane. Do yourself a favor, and get to church. It is free, family-friendly, and necessary. 

"For where 2 or 3 are gathered together in My name, there I am in the midst of them." 
-Matthew 18:20 KJV

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." 
-Colossians 3:16 

Now, enjoy some of the not-so-random video links I post at the end of each blog. #sofittingrightnow

Stand ~ Britt Nicole 

Hurricane ~ Natalie Grant  

My Deliverer ~ Mandisa

Thank you for reading! May God bless you in every way today and throughout your life. 

Forgiveness Day 2016

 

Yup, apparently this day exists as a national day. Forgiveness. It's not a touchy subject per se, but sometimes a very challenging one. 

I have blogged about forgiveness a couple times before. It is something I am passionate about dishing out, because far too many times I have been the one seeking it, needing it. 

Everyone on the earth sins. Point blank, we are all sinners. Everyone wrongs someone every now and again. Sometimes intentionally, with complete congnizance of doing so, sometimes completely unintentionally, and quite often somewhere between the 2 extremes.

I can only imagine how much God's heart hurts when His own children are the ones hurting others. 

The greatest example of forgiveness comes to us in John 19. With Jesus willingly giving His life on the cross for wretched people such as myself. So undeserving. Nothing shouts pure and honest forgiveness like letting someone nail your hands to a cross after lugging your own death tree up a hill, letting them smash a crown of thorns onto your head, and letting them whip you until blood is drawn and dripping from all over your torso, arms, and legs.

All the while, knowing You and Your Father above have every right and possess the omnipotence to get Yourself off that cross, to stop it all before it even began. Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46b

God the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. The Trinity. Three-in-one. But for a moment, God had to turn His face. Imagine the torment it caused Him to see His only Son suffering such pain, and for such undeserving people.

He didn't die on that cross just for me, but He did die on that cross FOR me. He endured unthinkable, unimaginable, excrutuating pain, for me? For this undeserving and disobedient sinner? But, why? 

Some things in life make total and completely clear sense. Attending school, graduating and attending college. Moving out of our parent's homes to blossom on our own. Finding, courting, and marrying your true love. Birthing beautiful children and raising them to love and worship our Lord. But then there are hiccups, if you will, in the road of our life, such as burying a child, losing a parent at a young age, and I liken the confusion of those kinds of events in life to trying to understand God's willingness to offer forgiveness to the likes of us.

It comes as hard to believe, especially for the 'unbeliever,' that a man can die and rise again. Even having been a believer for most of my life, sometimes it still blows my mind. And maybe it isn't event the fact that He died and rose again, on His own will and power, though being a nurse I know that only God could have made that possible. But maybe, it is the fact of His death; the suffering and agony that He endured, all for us. For us, such filthy, sinful, and undeserving creatures that we have become since Eve ate of the forbidden fruit in the garden. Maybe that is what is most awe inspiring to me.

That love. That forgiveness.

'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16  A widely known and quite possibly one of the most popular verses in the Bible. He SO loved the world that He created, though it had turned into such an evil place full of sinners like me, He loved the lowest of us, SO much, that He sent His Son to suffer and die on a cross, to forgive us of our sins. Sent His Beloved, to pay for sins that we committed. Not Jesus paying for His own sins, for He was perfect, spotless, sinless. Yet He suffered a torturous death, FOR US.

'For by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9 No matter what you have done, or not done (sins), in this life, no matter how much money you give to your church, no matter how many children you adopt, how many highways you clean up, how many lives you have impacted for Christ, no. No matter what, you don't deserve the forgiveness God offers, but that is what makes it so overwhelmingly awesome, and thus should make us all the more thankful for receiving it without even having to earn it. So dish it out, even when it seems the offender doesn't 'deserve' it, because neither do we. God commands us to forgive in Matthew 18:21-22, where Peter is asking how many times he should forgive his brother for sinning against him, and Jesus replies, not just 7 times, but 7x70 times. Over and over again we should be forgiving those that sin against us.

 

So take what you have done into consideration in your daily life. If you were to add up all your sins, does the cluster even compare to the wrong that has been done unto you? If Jesus was willing to love you enough to die on a cross for your cluster of sins, does forgiving the wrongdoer seem so hard now? Forgiving is loving. Show Christ's love in every way possible everyday. We are not here to hold grudges, but to love and show Christ to those that don't believe. So forgive others, believers and unbelievers alike, we all need to see and feel Christ's love through the actions and words of Christians around us.

'Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.' Ephesians 4:32

7x70 Times ~ Chris August                       Waterfall ~ Chris Tomlin

Mended ~ Matthew West

Forgiveness

There are some things none of us can completely control; one of them is protecting our hearts every single moment of every day. We can try with all our might, all day and all night, but we can't control the way other people make us feel.  

I attended a concert the other night (a wonderful concert might I add.) It featured I Am They, Hawk Nelson, and Tenth Avenue North. (All bands I would recommend Youtube-ing if you have a couple minutes, as they have some great songs.) As the concert was winding down, Tenth Avenue North was on the stage, and their lead singer, Mike (Mike Mike Mike), was speaking an intro to one of their songs, that happens to be one of my favorites of theirs, called 'Losing'. As I am listening to his words, and then the song lyrics, listening, really hearing them, I feel my emotions start rolling down my cheeks. And then later in the show, they sang their song titled 'By Your Side' which attained the same effect. Life hasn't been all cherry blossoms and sunshine this past year, but the heavy weight that sits on my shoulder, eating away at my mind every wake second of every day, well it lingered that night as well, it was constantly at the forefront of my mind. But, as I really heard the words, as I thought about all that I have been through, all that I put myself through in the last 12 months, I felt.

I felt sadness. I felt peace. I felt hope. I felt forgiveness.

I don't know what forgiveness means to you. I don't know what you have done to need forgiving, I don't know what other people have done to you that required forgiveness. I only know what I myself have done. And most likely, just like you I could write a list an encyclopedia long about what others have done to me that I have had to forgive. That list is much easier to write than the most likely equally lengthy list of those instances in which I was the one doing wrong by others.

No one lives life believing they are innocent at all times. But I do believe that most people, most of the time, are just doing the best they can. I believe that no one intends to hurt someone they love, but somehow they do. Maybe they hurt that person once unintentionally, maybe it happened again. Maybe 20 times. At some point, what may not have seemed intentional was now intentional, as it had become motivated. Motivated by whatever you were getting in return for continuing in said sin. Maybe you don't mean to hurt, maybe you don't want to hurt them at all, but you can't get past the sin you are caught up in, and the rewards being thrown at you by Satan as you continue to do what he wants you to, what he has convinced you that you want to do.

Whether that person I wronged has forgiven me or not, that is not important, not for my sake. What is important, is have I forgiven myself? I am so quick to point out every single moment that I am wronged by someone else, moments that I need apologies for, but yet turned a blind eye to the moments where I myself was the one in the wrong. And then, when the reality of the wrongness was thrown in my face, I became a mess. I couldn't bring myself to let forgiveness wash over me, because I couldn't forgive myself.


Back to the concert. God made it known to me, in that moment, that no matter what I had told myself, no matter what that person that I had wronged had told me, no matter how many times I had apologized to that person, He had forgiven me, and I had yet to forgive myself, to totally forgive. I will never forget, but that doesn't mean that I have to live day by day continuously beating myself down every time I got up out of bed. It was a vicious cycle, and the only reason my heart and mind even attained rest, was because I slept, and even then, only because I don't dream. For weeks I reminded myself of what I had done. Then at some point, it no longer mattered what I had done, but rather the hurt I had impeded on people that I loved. 

The burden never lightened, just when I thought it might, the seemingly impossible would happen: some bitterness would gather, making the burden I bore heavier. I increasingly felt the need for forgiveness, but that whole time I felt that I needed it from the person(s) I wronged. I felt I needed that person to confront me, to tell me I was forgiven.

I just knew that if those words were spoken to me, no matter the circumstances that came along with the forgiveness, everything would be better. I just knew my biggest problem in life at the moment would have suddenly been solved.

In church we speak a lot of how Christians are to forgive, as Christ does. It is spoke of as a moral obligation, like the only natural, reasonable, and "Christian" response to being hurt. So when I don't feel like forgiving, does that make me not a Christian, no. It definitely is not the Christian thing to do, to maintain the pent-up resent, when instead we need to dissolve the grudge(s) we have against each other. We, as Christians speak of forgiveness as something that happens and we move on. This doesn't necessarily mean to go on in life, having forgotten what others have done, but rather to chalk each moment of hurt up to life's lessons, as we show grace upon that person, forgive, and go on in life. We talk about forgiveness, like it is an event, just a moment in life, but it's just not. One thing that has helped me through the day today, is to say "I'm forgiving you," rather than, "I forgive you." Because forgiveness is something I have to give myself over and over again, and with repetition, I hope it will become a habit, and I hope it will get easier over time. Because being able to forgive myself habitually, will make forgiving others easier.

While I was standing there, indulging in the lyrics of the worship songs I had heard and sung numerous times, I felt. Like a raging river the tears and regret flowed, the grace and love I am not sure I deserve rushed over me, and at the same time I felt forgiveness come rushing in. It did not make what I had done okay, but it made me mollified.

I was able, in that moment, to forgive myself.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, but it also doesn't mean brutally battling myself over what I had done in the past. Not overlooking what you have done, but rather learning from your mistake is crucial, especially when it is yourself you need to forgive. 'Forgive and forget' is easier said than done, because not only is it impossible, but forgetting could potentially be dangerous for ourselves. Sometimes the most forgiving thing we can do, for ourselves and the person who has hurt us, is to say, 'thank you for what you have taught me about myself and about life. I'm moving on.' I don't think that true forgiveness happens without justice, honesty, boundaries, space, distance, and time also occurring. And while you ensure that all of these happen concurrently, also ensure that you don't make yourself feel guilty about it. It is not a rejection of the other person, but rather a thorough acceptance of yourself. 

True forgiveness takes place when we look honestly at the ways in which we have been hurt, hand our anger over to Jesus, and let it rest with Him.

If you take only one thing from this post, make it this:

Learn to forgive yourself; until you attain self forgiveness, you will never be able to fully forgive others, as Christ has called us to do.

Philippians 4:7  'The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.'

Ephesians 4:32  'Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.'

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North            Losing - Tenth Avenue North

It Is Well With My Soul - Audrey Assad

To the Friend I Never got to Say Goodbye To

Jacob,

I don't know what to write to you, because my heart is still broken.  I know that I loved you then, and I love you now. I can tell you that when I left my job in Hays, you were my favorite CNA to work alongside with, always there to help, always there to make me laugh when we had been having a long shift. Always there, way behind on charting just like me because we had been so busy, and willing to entertain me and make me laugh in an empty patient room while we stayed after our shift to catch up on that charting, which probably made the catching up on charting actually take much longer, but if you asked me then, I didn't care. If you ask me now, I will tell you I would go back and waste much more time with you if I could.

If you asked a patient, any patient you ever cared for, they would say you were a kindhearted gentleman, who did your best to make their stay enjoyable and as short as possible. And as much as I enjoyed working with you, I loved our time spent together outside of work even more. Our late afternoon walks, hours of playing basketball, swinging in the park, driving around.

You were never one to complain, which is probably why no one suspected anything like the outcome that came about after you went missing. You sure knew how to listen though, and I appreciated that, thank you. In fact, I find myself talking to you still sometimes. I wish your family would have left your Facebook profile up, it was just a little thing, and maybe it was too painful for them to see you in what we consider a big part of our lives now, on our technology that we let distract us from each other and the people and things that really matter, but I enjoyed being able to scroll through pictures of you, pictures of you doing things you loved with people you loved.

But you never let those distractions get in the way when we were together. You gave me all your attention, and I enjoyed it, I hope I returned the respect. You mom convinced herself that you were going to be found, you were going to open a random door for a random elderly lady, who was going to look up to your face to thank you, and recognize you, because you were that kind of person.

Your sisters, 16 and 14 at the time. I remember you always talking about them and how you being their brother, also tried to fill the role of being their father, because you had been raised without one most of your life, and didn't want them to have to go through that as well. And though I know they only saw you as their brother, they did nothing less than respect you and appreciate the time you made them priority in your life. As much as my heart is broken, I know they, at their young and vulnerable age, also have questions and doubts, and wish they could have done or said something to help. No child should have to bury their brother, I have been there and done that, but the circumstances were quite different.

I remember texting you the day before you went missing, our last conversation. I had been gone from Hays for months by this time, the times I had returned, whether for family obligation or to grab more stuff from my storage unit, it never worked out for us to get together. I wish I could say it was all your fault, but it was both of us, our schedules that we used to force to coincide, no longer did. I spent most of my days over a hundred miles away, but it felt like an eternity away.
 

The day before you took off in your uncle's vehicle. The day before you went and bought a gun and ammo. The day before you decided life wasn't worth living anymore. The day before I prayed for you for hours (or rather, days). The day before the end of your known life. I don't know what day you actually shot yourself, you were missing for 10. I don't know the thoughts going through your mind, but I can imagine utter and complete darkness and despair. I miss you. I remember the moment I found out. And oddly enough, I drove to the closest cemetery, and just wept. Sat there, on that chilly fall night, and just cried to God. The questions reeling through me, with answers to never be known. I went through all the stages of grief, but I definitely started out befuddled, with overwhelming questions, and then anger.

Anger at you, for not letting me in. Anger at you for not telling me what was really going on in your life and in your head. Anger at you for acting like everything was normal and fine, and asking me all about my life instead of answering my questions to you about yours with an honest heart. If you had told me, I would have come back to Hays the first day I had off, maybe even before. I would have listened, I wouldn't have judged, with you and I it was never about that. We accepted each other with all our imperfections.

I remember being so angry that everyone around me could just go on living, and expected me to do the same, even though I had just lost a best friend. Angry at God, because no one should ever have to go through this, not you, not I. Angry at Him because He didn't step in, because He let you buy that gun, because He let you drive to a field in the middle of no where where no one would find you soon enough to talk you out of killing yourself. I have never even contemplated taking the easy way out like you did, but I could never even if I wanted to.

I will forever wish I knew sooner how you were feeling. I can't even remember the last time I saw you for sure, but I remember every bit of our last conversation, because after I found out you were missing, I read it over and over again. And then after losing you, that was all I had of you. All that time we spent together and we don't even have a picture together. But Jacob, your face will never leave me. I will never forget your hugs, your voice, your always hilarious snaps.

I could never kill myself, because I know that my family members expect me in their lives. I am important to them, as were you to me. My father needs to walk me down the aisle, my mother needs to hold my hand while I am laboring my first child into this world. My God needs me to stay on this earth until He decides my time is done, His plan for me complete. 

11 days.

The number of days from the last time I talked to you to the day your body was found in a pasture with self-inflicted GSW. 10 days, the number of days you were missing.  1 day, the amount of time it took for you to go from telling me we were going to hang out when I came to Hays 24 days later, to deciding life was not worth it anymore. 9 days, the amount of time from your last credit card charge, until your family's hopes were raised with news you had been found, then crushed while being informed of the lifeless state your body was in when located under a tree near a pond.

The only thing that kept me going after hearing about your body being found, was remembering the times we talked about God, and my resting assured that you knew my Savior, and had asked Him into your heart, hope that those talks were genuine and honest. And though you didn't always walk the walk or talk the talk, none of us always do, and I believe that someday I may run into you beyond those pearly gates.

If I could have said goodbye, I wouldn't have. I would never have granted your wish to let you do this and never see you again. I wouldn't have let you ask your uncle to borrow his car and a couple bucks. I wouldn't have let you go to that pawn shop for a gun, and then purchase some ammo. No. I would not have said goodbye. I would have told you I loved you, I would have told you our friendship meant the world to me. I would have told you no matter what was going on, this is not the best answer. I would have told you to let me in, let me in your heart, let me in your mind, let me care for you like you have so tenderly cared for everyone else around you. I would have told you that you matter. I would have told you how dark this world would be without the light you provided. I would have told you I needed you. I would have told you not to do it. I would have told you God never wanted your life to end this way. I would have told you I didn't want to walk this earth knowing you no longer shared it with me. I would have told you I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to permanently miss you. I wanted to be able to come back and have the missing of you resolved with a hang out sesh in Hays. I would have told you that I love you, best friend, and your life matters.

I miss you more than a fat kid at fat camp misses cake,

Rachael

What I Know-Tricia Brock watch the Youtube video here! I love this song, amongst all the questions that never feel answered, this I am sure of. You my God are real. <3

My Tallest Regret

I have a regret, the tallest of all. One I will never forget, one that will never be surpassed. The greatest of my life, and one that has surely lingered. I have blogged before about being content and having given it all to God, but the truth is, whether it be my fault or Satan's, this one thing has never left my mind. There is nothing I can imagine ever doing that could top this sin, but then again that is what I would have said about the last thing I had regret most before this. That's also what I would have said if anyone would have ever said they could imagine me doing what I have done. 

Torment, rage, tears, shame. 

That pretty much sums up the last 5 months of my existence. I blame no one but myself, but this is the truth. 

This post shall remain vague, to protect those that I hurt, but know that I will forever be ashamed of what I have done, and will forever be sorry for the relationships I took advantage of and thus ruined, causing them to end abruptly. 

In the past I have always said that I live with no regrets. I know that things I go through in life can be lived and forgotten, in fact that is most of my childhood, I have little to no memory of most of it. I do not know why my memory of those times is faded to almost obsolete, but it has. That comes as quite upsetting to my father, whilst reminiscing together, that I can never remember the cute little stories he tells me. Some days I am so sure that when he tells me a cute story, it will strike up a memory in my little brain, but not so much. Call it some early and quite serious Alzheimer's if you will. It is legitimate, and I consider it a real hindrance sometimes. 

But now, I cannot seem to forget! It is not that I don't want to, though this is unusual for me, I never have wanted to forget much about life, I want to retain and remember it, I am tired of having no recall of moments, 'important' or not. But I mean, even the tiniest of tiny details, never leave my mind. The first time I felt offended by people saying things may be getting messy, and I need to be careful. The first time my father warned me not to get too close, because it would only end in hurt. The moment I read a letter from my momma, after all was said and done, and those that knew anything about any of these details in my life, knew this sin was not being partaken of anymore. I remember the rage I felt, and how mad I was that I was being stuck at work having to deal with the emotions rolling through me, 4am, unable to call my mom and ask why, unable to call or text my sister or best friend to vent. I remember the pent up anger. 

Now thinking back, I do not feel sorry for myself, in fact in that moment, I didn't even feel sorry for myself, just anger. But now, I am sure I have caught a minute glimpse of what I inflicted upon the people I love who suffered due to the sin I was in. 

I know that as I read my Bible more, as I pray more, as I hang around and absorb the wisdom of those who have been Christians longer than I, such as those peers I admire most in church, I know that this will someday too be moved to the 'not regrets' pile in my memory bank. 

Someday this will be easier to talk about, someday this will be easier to share, in hopes of helping someone else through what I have put myself and some close friends through. I know this will take a long time, and in fact, for me, may take longer than your average Christian woman, but I know, I just know, He has a plan for me. Sometimes it takes some self-convincing. 

Sometimes I doubt myself, my faith in God. I don't doubt His ability to help me in the ways He best sees fit, I just doubt myself. I doubt my ability to ever talk about this situation with a smile, I doubt my ability to ever forgive myself. I doubt a lot of things, and in doing so I know I am doubting God, but I also know that growth must happen in order to overcome these doubts. Spiritual and emotional growth, and both must be worked at to attain, and both impossible without His hand in my life. 

I believe that there is a lesson for every hard time we face in life, and I have learned not only one, but numerous, beginning with this:

Healing comes with the rain just as much as the sunshine, be patient and trust God. 

If you find yourself failing, maybe miserably so, and maybe in repetition, you are not alone. I am right there with you, and have been for quite some time. You know the struggle is real, as do I, but let's not continue to resist God's helping hand in this, let us pray and seriously seek His guidance and helping hand in our healing and restoration. I read a quote today that said, (paraphrasing) {Don't pray a 10 cent prayer and expect a million dollar answer, you have to work at it.} How? Pray harder, pray more frequent, pray honestly, pray willfully, pray to a knowing God, pour out your heart, empty all of it's contents for Him to examine and reassemble as He wishes in His time.  


Don't pray wistfully, pray diligently.


'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' 1 John 1:9 (NKJV)

'Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)

 

"I am a mess I am a wrecking ball,

I must admit that I still don't get it all." 

- Press On-Building 429  <--click to watch the music video