Steak for Breakfast

Me, a night shift nurse. There's good. There's bad. And yes, there's ugly. 

I started out my day yesterday waking up, showering, and running to the local grocery store for some salad for a dinner I had planned with one of my favorite families, their last night with their son before they send him off to college. The first thing I ate yesterday was steak. 

Momma probably would have been in awe if I woke up as a child or a teen and asked for steak for breakfast. That is a little abnormal. But the steak for breakfast yesterday? That was completely not off-the-wall at all for me. That is my new norm. No I don't eat steak for breakfast everyday, but the reason supper at 9pm was my 'breakfast' time is because working night shift has taken its hold on me, and rarely releases its grip. 

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the Good: 

If you asked me a year and half ago if I enjoyed night shift, I would have said yes, absolutely, with no reserve. If you asked me yesterday, I would have said yes again. But the hesitation is becoming more evident, creeping up. My body and mind usually do okay sleeping in the day and staying awake all night. I am an energetic person. It is my norm. I love to laugh, and enjoy even more to make other people laugh, even if sometimes they are just laughing at my snaughling. 



Since being on night shift, I have had multiple of my elders and peers discouraging it,  pushing me to opt for a day shift position if I was given the choice. But back when I started on night shift, I was excited. Hey, differential, am I right? I enjoy the management-less building. I enjoy the drama-less co-workers I typically get to work with all night long. But. Over the past 12 months. My drive to be on night shift has certainly lessened. I still enjoy the differential, but it was never all about the money for me, and never will be. I still enjoy most of my co-workers, although sometimes some of my faves really let me down. But my heart doesn't seem to be in it anymore. 

the Bad:

I am emotionally exhausted. I go to work, do my best to please the patients while still maintaining the healthcare standards necessary and put in place to give them the best care to my ability and within my scope of practice, and get them healthy and home as soon as possible. But I go to work, and my patience is literally about as short as the fuse on a Bobcat (firecracker that is). It takes about 3 seconds of an unable-to-be-satisfied-patient's bad attitude to make me want to just go home immediately. Unfortunately in those moments, patients still need their nurses to get better and get home, so emergency emotional-breakdown-on-the-verge-Rachael moments, don't come with a quick solution at all hours of the night/morning. 

I used to go to work everyday, and think about how blessed I am that I am not the sick one in the bed. That I was privileged enough to be able to go to school, had worked hard enough to graduate, and now get to go to work every single day to help make people's lives better. Yes, even the 6 year old who I have to put an IV in, yes even that child, I get to do what I can to make that kid's life better. Here lately, I still find myself blessed that I am well, and able to care for those that aren't. But each shift feels more like a routine, like a cycle, like I am a hamster stuck in this wheel called life. The only relief from what has seemingly become an episode of my life stuck on constant repeat, is sleep. 

the Ugly:

I am mentally exhausted. I bring it home. I take it to my best friend's house. I take it to my Mom's. I have to hide it in church, where I should feel most free to be most transparent, I hide it best. I am tired at weird times all the time. It makes me moody sometimes. I am very impatient with people. I am easily annoyed with pointless (in my opinion) stories and wasted time. Sleeping all day, even on my nights off, because I have no motivation, I have few friends here, and we typically live on opposite schedules. I would not consider myself a clinically depressed person, I still find joy in simple things, and I can still sport a smile like a champ, but I guarantee I smile a significant amount less than a year ago. I notice it, I notice the increased negativity, and am unable to find the means to change it.  And I strongly believe working nights can assume part of that blame. As well as the devil himself.



I am spiritually exhausted. My faith in God has not faltered, not one bit. But, I don't strive to feed it. I don't just sit down and read my Bible anymore. I used to always make a point of it, even if it meant reading on my break at work, I would always find time to sit and at least read a chapter or two. It was important, very important to me. Seems I got comfortable where my relationship with Christ was, and I pushed it aside, I don't make it a priority anymore. I used to be able to attend Thursday night Bible study with the ladies as well as Wednesday morning coffee. But even those are few and far between anymore. But simply put, I don't spend as much time hanging out with God as I used to. And that is wearing on me. That is the ugliest part of me right now. 

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If you're reading this. Maybe you are finding yourself in a similar struggle or slump. Welcome. You are so incredibly not alone. In fact, before reading this blog, before realizing there is someone else out there with some of the similar struggles, God was there. He is always there. I never forget that, not anymore. But sometimes I feel Him closer than other times. Not because He moves away from me, but because I find myself drifting away from Him. 



Instead of worrying about whether I am on day shift or night shift, pray for my walk with God. Instead of asking me why I am still single, pray for my Mr. Forever. Instead of wondering if I am getting more (enough) sleep, pray that I am getting more God-time, and in correlation acquiring more patience at work, at home, and just in my all-around life. Starting with my poor roommate that never gets to see me, but when she is unfortunate enough to have a run-in with me, it is usually not the most pleasant experience from her end I am sure. Sorry Becca. 

As I continue trying to find myself in this crazy world, I pray I continue my endeavor to find more and more of God. I pray that my family, co-workers, friends, and acquaintances will accept my sincere apology for my recent setbacks in my faith, attitude, and all-around peace.

Lastly, get yourself to church. Fellowship with my believing peers keeps me sane. Do yourself a favor, and get to church. It is free, family-friendly, and necessary. 

"For where 2 or 3 are gathered together in My name, there I am in the midst of them." 
-Matthew 18:20 KJV

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." 
-Colossians 3:16 

Now, enjoy some of the not-so-random video links I post at the end of each blog. #sofittingrightnow

Stand ~ Britt Nicole 

Hurricane ~ Natalie Grant  

My Deliverer ~ Mandisa

Thank you for reading! May God bless you in every way today and throughout your life. 

Birthday Blessings

Today marks the 25th year of my existence on this earth. 

 

Many things have happened in the past year, some good, some great, some horrible, awful, heart-wrenching, and faith testing. Some things I could control, both good and bad, and some were out of my hands.

 

I watched many people suffer in the hospital, cared for some elderly until they gave their last breath.

I was able to give my time as a member of a Nurse's Honor Guard for a funeral of a dearly loved patient, which was beyond an honor.

<--- (Fun pic to tickle your funny bone!)

I went on a couple dates with a couple men in our area, and then they quit talking to me. It amazes me! Everyone all around me tells me I am just perfect wife material, girlfriend material, yada yada yada. Let's just say, this chica is not convinced!

I held a dead baby in my arms, a beautiful baby that didn't respond to our code blue procedures. A baby that God knew He needed in heaven before we here on earth were ready to let the baby go. After which I was numb. I walked out of the ER, back upstairs, just couldn't talk, couldn't cry, couldn't hardly convince my lungs to keep breathing, (praise God that that is my parasympathetic nervous system's job to control). I finished with report to the next shift, woke my sister, walked outside, and immediately texted my best friend. I drove to Johnson, numb. Somehow was able to give my sister a glimpse of the horror I had just experienced. Not for sympathy, but so she would know why I was acting the way I was. Why talkative, joyful Rachael wasn't saying a word or smiling. 

And it gets worse. I thought that was a bad day, but no. An even worse day happened that month, I broke a friend's heart. I seriously hurt someone that I love. Nothing feels worse than that. Even holding a lifeless baby in my arms doesn't come close to the pain I have felt since that day, just knowing the pain I caused her. 

Then we had a big scare with my Dad...it scared me, but again, for some reason when it comes to my own family members and loved ones being sick or hurt, it tends to not worry me as much. Maybe it is because I know God is on our side. I don't know. I remember the same feeling when my boss told me back in 2008, that the ambulance was at my house, tending to my little brother who wrecked his bike. I remember thinking oh my goodness, and then just as quickly, "it's just a bike wreck,' he'll be fine, I just knew everything would be okay. Apparently that time wasn't lesson enough, because when I was told the news this time, (again, at work!!!) it had pretty much the same effect. I was worried instantly, but then calmed, and prayed, and knew everything would be okay. 

 

Today started out at work (just about midnight) with writing a letter to an Officer's family whose EOW was 5/22/16. Then I watched some hilarious videos with a co-worker. Then getting a happy birthday from a sweet patient that is stuck in the hospital while I get to leave for the day. I left work early to give my brother (whom I haven't seen since he moved into my house about a week ago) a ride to his truck. He works all day and I work all night. I came home to an empty sink, because my sister-roomie washed all the dishes as I left for work last night. I came home to a clean house, because my best friend picked up and vacuumed before she and my favorite nephews ended their stay here and took off for Winona. I came home to a cool house and a stocked pantry, because God has blessed me with these things. I baked a cake, made some brownies, then hit the hay, hard!

I didn't realize how exhausted I truly was until my head hit the pillow, then it was just zZzZzzZzz's from then until 4:30pm. I got up at 4:35pm, rolled out of my comfy bed, hopped in the shower (almost literally), and got dressed for work. Did the dishes from the morning, a load of laundry, sat around a little, then threw all the goodies in my car for work and hopped in the car headed to the ice cream shop.

By the way, if you are ever in the Armpit of America, KS, you should check that place out. (---> Here's their address and hours!) Until a couple nights ago I had only had their Mexican ice cream, which is absolutely delightful. Then the other day the mother of the man who owns the shop brought some delish frozen treats on a stick, that I cannot pronounce or spell (paleta con fresa possibly), and that, that was ah-mazing. Anywho, you should check it out!  

 

 

I slept, all day. (8 hours y'all!) Woke to many texts, snaps (you can see one of my favorite snaps of the day above), Facebook msgs & posts, and a couple missed phone calls.

 

I was called many names today. Rachael was one of them, odd I know.

 

Also:

 

Awesome, Kid, Rachy, Beautiful, Crrrazy, Dear, Loving 'Auntie', 'other' Daughter, Friend, Woman, Joyful Girl, Fun, Love, Ray of Sunshine, Rachael!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (+ or - a few !!!!!s), Rach, Missy, Dear Friend, Fabulous, Rayray, Weird, Odd, Energetic, Ball of Fun, Caring, 'Amazzz balls' person, & Ray-ray... to name a few. 

 

I woke realizing how many people that matter in my life actually might reciprocate my feelings for them. 

 

 

I woke wishing my little brother was here to celebrate with me, but knowing he is in a much better place, too consumed by God's awesomeness to peek down at this girl on her birthday or even pass a thought my way. And yes, for a moment, I forced all cares for what God has planned for me here on earth for the short time I get to be here aside, and allowed myself to be straight-up jealous of Simon. Jealous of his being in heaven, safe from this cruel, hateful, wicked world, but at the same time overly joyed that he is.

Then I remembered that I woke up. Had I not, I would be in a much better place right now, the best place ever, for the most bomb birthday party ever, but I woke up today. 

I woke up. 

I woke up today, because God is not done with me yet. 

I woke up today, because there are things in God's agenda that He wants me to help complete. 

I woke up today, because my patients need me. I woke up today, because I need my patients. 

I woke up today, so that my co-worker's could do their best to get their 25 spankings in before midnight. (I doubt they quit when my birthday is actually over...I can safely assume this will go all night, they haven't got very far yet.)

I woke up today so that others can know I have seen and felt the love they have shown me.

 

I woke up today to serve others.

I woke up today because God allowed me to wake up today.

 

I woke up today to serve Him.

 

 

I woke up, got ready for work. Grabbed some deliciousness from the Mexican ice cream shop on the way, along with some weird combo of chips, cabbage, cheese and hot sauce that a coworker ordered. Me being superwoman denied needing help to my car with the goods. Then I get to work, swipe my key fob-thingy-majigger, and boom. Dropped the weird combo of papas that was ordered...all over outside the door. Super. Fail. I just yell, then laugh, kick the mess off the sidewalk, then meander in to work. I then sit down for report and spill a co-worker's water all over the table. Fast forward 2 hours, and I sit down for my birthday supper celebration-meal at work, and somehow fling rice all over the table and a coworker. Let's just say, this day hasn't actually been 'my' day.

 

But that's okay, because it's the Lord's day anyway.

 

For my birthday celebration-meal a co-worker brought chicken quesadillas from Alejandro's restaurant here in town, can you say Mom-delish!? Nommmmmmmmnom. Another brought some great homemade rice. And sugar cookies from yet another co-worker. (Pictured with me at the beginning of this post!) Then yet another co-worker came up to work on her night off and blessed me with some delicious, hilarious, perfect gifts. (See pic below!) What a blessed little lady I am!  

 

As I entered my 25th year, I thought back to the past year of my life. I started with seeing, knowing, and acknowledging how very blessed I truly am. I celebrated the birth of my 4th nephew and the birth of my best friend's daughter. I celebrated birthdays of my other 3 nephews, as well as my 3 nieces. Celebrated the birthday of each of my 7 siblings and my parents. I was able to make the trip to New York to see very loved and very missed family and friends, memories I will treasure the rest of my sweet time here on earth. I was able to purchase my first home (so much adulting going on over here) <---(this computer thinks adulting is not a word and keeps changing it to adulating... I am just over here like, 'You don't know my life Windows!!'). I have made new friends. I have been able to keep in touch with old ones.

 

 

I just want to say thank you to all who have impacted my life this past year, whether positively (mostly) or negatively. I have learned something from all of you. Thank you to those who choose to put up with me (friends) and I apologize now to those of you that have to put up with me (family and co-workers). You all mean the world to me. I appreciate your many wishes on this quarter-of-a-century birthday of mine. :) 

As my day comes to a close, I simply remember this: 

 

1) I am loved.

 

 

2) I got 99 problems, but knowing where I am headed after I die ain't one of 'em.

 

 

3) He's got the whole world in His hands.

 

 

'Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me ---practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.' ~Ephesians 4:4-9

 

 

Don't forget to check out the not-so-random Youtube videos I always post at the end of my blogs! I love music y'all!

 

Through All of It ~ Colton Dixon

Trust in You ~ Lauren Daigle

Great is Our God ~ Plumb
Who Am I ~ Casting Crowns

 

Thanks for reading, and God bless you!