I don't know what to write to you, because my heart is still broken. I know that I loved you then, and I love you now. I can tell you that when I left my job in Hays, you were my favorite CNA to work alongside with, always there to help, always there to make me laugh when we had been having a long shift. Always there, way behind on charting just like me because we had been so busy, and willing to entertain me and make me laugh in an empty patient room while we stayed after our shift to catch up on that charting, which probably made the catching up on charting actually take much longer, but if you asked me then, I didn't care. If you ask me now, I will tell you I would go back and waste much more time with you if I could.
If you asked a patient, any patient you ever cared for, they would say you were a kindhearted gentleman, who did your best to make their stay enjoyable and as short as possible. And as much as I enjoyed working with you, I loved our time spent together outside of work even more. Our late afternoon walks, hours of playing basketball, swinging in the park, driving around.
You were never one to complain, which is probably why no one suspected anything like the outcome that came about after you went missing. You sure knew how to listen though, and I appreciated that, thank you. In fact, I find myself talking to you still sometimes. I wish your family would have left your Facebook profile up, it was just a little thing, and maybe it was too painful for them to see you in what we consider a big part of our lives now, on our technology that we let distract us from each other and the people and things that really matter, but I enjoyed being able to scroll through pictures of you, pictures of you doing things you loved with people you loved.
But you never let those distractions get in the way when we were together. You gave me all your attention, and I enjoyed it, I hope I returned the respect. You mom convinced herself that you were going to be found, you were going to open a random door for a random elderly lady, who was going to look up to your face to thank you, and recognize you, because you were that kind of person.
Your sisters, 16 and 14 at the time. I remember you always talking about them and how you being their brother, also tried to fill the role of being their father, because you had been raised without one most of your life, and didn't want them to have to go through that as well. And though I know they only saw you as their brother, they did nothing less than respect you and appreciate the time you made them priority in your life. As much as my heart is broken, I know they, at their young and vulnerable age, also have questions and doubts, and wish they could have done or said something to help. No child should have to bury their brother, I have been there and done that, but the circumstances were quite different.
I remember texting you the day before you went missing, our last conversation. I had been gone from Hays for months by this time, the times I had returned, whether for family obligation or to grab more stuff from my storage unit, it never worked out for us to get together. I wish I could say it was all your fault, but it was both of us, our schedules that we used to force to coincide, no longer did. I spent most of my days over a hundred miles away, but it felt like an eternity away.
The day before you took off in your uncle's vehicle. The day before you went and bought a gun and ammo. The day before you decided life wasn't worth living anymore. The day before I prayed for you for hours (or rather, days). The day before the end of your known life. I don't know what day you actually shot yourself, you were missing for 10. I don't know the thoughts going through your mind, but I can imagine utter and complete darkness and despair. I miss you. I remember the moment I found out. And oddly enough, I drove to the closest cemetery, and just wept. Sat there, on that chilly fall night, and just cried to God. The questions reeling through me, with answers to never be known. I went through all the stages of grief, but I definitely started out befuddled, with overwhelming questions, and then anger.
Anger at you, for not letting me in. Anger at you for not telling me what was really going on in your life and in your head. Anger at you for acting like everything was normal and fine, and asking me all about my life instead of answering my questions to you about yours with an honest heart. If you had told me, I would have come back to Hays the first day I had off, maybe even before. I would have listened, I wouldn't have judged, with you and I it was never about that. We accepted each other with all our imperfections.
I remember being so angry that everyone around me could just go on living, and expected me to do the same, even though I had just lost a best friend. Angry at God, because no one should ever have to go through this, not you, not I. Angry at Him because He didn't step in, because He let you buy that gun, because He let you drive to a field in the middle of no where where no one would find you soon enough to talk you out of killing yourself. I have never even contemplated taking the easy way out like you did, but I could never even if I wanted to.
I will forever wish I knew sooner how you were feeling. I can't even remember the last time I saw you for sure, but I remember every bit of our last conversation, because after I found out you were missing, I read it over and over again. And then after losing you, that was all I had of you. All that time we spent together and we don't even have a picture together. But Jacob, your face will never leave me. I will never forget your hugs, your voice, your always hilarious snaps.
I could never kill myself, because I know that my family members expect me in their lives. I am important to them, as were you to me. My father needs to walk me down the aisle, my mother needs to hold my hand while I am laboring my first child into this world. My God needs me to stay on this earth until He decides my time is done, His plan for me complete.
Anger at you, for not letting me in. Anger at you for not telling me what was really going on in your life and in your head. Anger at you for acting like everything was normal and fine, and asking me all about my life instead of answering my questions to you about yours with an honest heart. If you had told me, I would have come back to Hays the first day I had off, maybe even before. I would have listened, I wouldn't have judged, with you and I it was never about that. We accepted each other with all our imperfections.
I remember being so angry that everyone around me could just go on living, and expected me to do the same, even though I had just lost a best friend. Angry at God, because no one should ever have to go through this, not you, not I. Angry at Him because He didn't step in, because He let you buy that gun, because He let you drive to a field in the middle of no where where no one would find you soon enough to talk you out of killing yourself. I have never even contemplated taking the easy way out like you did, but I could never even if I wanted to.
I will forever wish I knew sooner how you were feeling. I can't even remember the last time I saw you for sure, but I remember every bit of our last conversation, because after I found out you were missing, I read it over and over again. And then after losing you, that was all I had of you. All that time we spent together and we don't even have a picture together. But Jacob, your face will never leave me. I will never forget your hugs, your voice, your always hilarious snaps.
I could never kill myself, because I know that my family members expect me in their lives. I am important to them, as were you to me. My father needs to walk me down the aisle, my mother needs to hold my hand while I am laboring my first child into this world. My God needs me to stay on this earth until He decides my time is done, His plan for me complete.
11 days.
The number of days from the last time I talked to you to the day your body was found in a pasture with self-inflicted GSW. 10 days, the number of days you were missing. 1 day, the amount of time it took for you to go from telling me we were going to hang out when I came to Hays 24 days later, to deciding life was not worth it anymore. 9 days, the amount of time from your last credit card charge, until your family's hopes were raised with news you had been found, then crushed while being informed of the lifeless state your body was in when located under a tree near a pond.
The only thing that kept me going after hearing about your body being found, was remembering the times we talked about God, and my resting assured that you knew my Savior, and had asked Him into your heart, hope that those talks were genuine and honest. And though you didn't always walk the walk or talk the talk, none of us always do, and I believe that someday I may run into you beyond those pearly gates.
If I could have said goodbye, I wouldn't have. I would never have granted your wish to let you do this and never see you again. I wouldn't have let you ask your uncle to borrow his car and a couple bucks. I wouldn't have let you go to that pawn shop for a gun, and then purchase some ammo. No. I would not have said goodbye. I would have told you I loved you, I would have told you our friendship meant the world to me. I would have told you no matter what was going on, this is not the best answer. I would have told you to let me in, let me in your heart, let me in your mind, let me care for you like you have so tenderly cared for everyone else around you. I would have told you that you matter. I would have told you how dark this world would be without the light you provided. I would have told you I needed you. I would have told you not to do it. I would have told you God never wanted your life to end this way. I would have told you I didn't want to walk this earth knowing you no longer shared it with me. I would have told you I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to permanently miss you. I wanted to be able to come back and have the missing of you resolved with a hang out sesh in Hays. I would have told you that I love you, best friend, and your life matters.
I miss you more than a fat kid at fat camp misses cake,
Rachael
What I Know-Tricia Brock watch the Youtube video here! I love this song, amongst all the questions that never feel answered, this I am sure of. You my God are real. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment