Showing posts with label Best friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Best friend. Show all posts

Saturday, January 14, 2017

A Letter to my Best Forever Friend



Dear Sweet Friend,

You have been my best friend, for the longest. I cannot remember a time when you weren't! All throughout our school years, especially high school, we were so crazy, and had sooooooo many incredible laughing moments! So much crying, which only comes from the best laughs.

You probably felt, especially a couple years ago, that you may not have ranked number one any longer. I feel like sometimes, you may have felt like you were replaced. But you weren't.

You have always been my #1.

You have birthed some of the greatest joys in my life. And you still look amazing. You may not weigh 100 pounds anymore, which is good (because you are healthier), and you are still one hot mom.

You have an amazing life. Your husband isn't perfect, and sometimes makes you cry, sometimes makes you mad, sometimes makes you want to rip out every single strand of hair on your head. But I know you love him, and I know he loves you. And I know you make each other laugh, and among all the tests that have come to your relationship, you have more than prevailed.

You are a beautiful girl. You are strong. You are a determined woman. You are determined to give your children the best life they can have. You are satisfied. You don't quit trying to make yourself a better person, a better Christian, a better woman, a better Mom. But, you are satisfied. You don't need all the diamonds and new cars in this life, a bigger house, the newest phone, a big screen tv. You make do with what you have.

 

You are a bomb cook. I don't think you have made a meal that I haven't liked. I may not be a huge fan of homemade brownies, or guacamole, but I will still eat them (the brownies anyway). They are brownies...what (mostly) sane person wouldn't?

You are kind. You are always so nice to me, and have a great heart. You see needs in others, and do what you can to meet them. You have a heart that is concerned for people. I love that about you. I love that you instill these traits in your kiddos as well.

I have been through quite a lot in my 25 years. Some things I brought upon myself, others I had no control over. But through all of them, God was there, even though sometime it didn't feel like it. And also, through each one, whether right by my side or on the other side of the telephone, there you were too. There may even be things in my life that were going on, and you didn't even know it, but just by being you, you made it better. So thank you.



We may not agree on everything, but we certainly don't fight. You're stupid. You fail. You're not perfect. You're weird. I am like that TOO, so we are a perfect match! We laugh at the randomest things. You are like my human diary, so many secrets spilt to your always open ears. When I am sad, there you are. When I am happy, you are who I want to tell! You know some (if not all) of my ugliest secrets. You've seen me at my lowest. If there was such a thing as laughing too much, you would be the drug in my life that caused that symptom. You've seen me cry. You've walked into my house and made it your own, as well as have let me do the same in yours, numerous times!  I would be okay with you writing my biography, because you know more 'Rachael' facts than anyone else in the world (seriously though, probably more than my own Mom!). No matter what, throughout this life, you have been the consistent person by my side.

When my brother died, you were there.
When I wrecked my car, (9 years ago today) which could have easily been the end of your life, you still let me come hang out with you.
When I found out you were dating my brother, you gave me time to get used to the idea.
When I graduated from high school, you were right there, probably sitting with my family.
When I left for college, we kept in touch, and I would hang out with you whenever I could when I was home.
When you got pregnant, you didn't let me know as soon as I would have liked. And instead of understanding that you may have been going through a lot of things, obviously physically, and for sure emotionally, I got all butt hurt about it. For that I apologize. And I wouldn't trade that young one for a box full of diamonds.
When I graduated from college, you were there, with my family (which was also your family by this point, though we adopted you ages ago!).

Simply put...

You. Are. There.


I want you to know that I pray for you. I pray for your marriage. I pray for your kids. I pray for your heart, for patience, for time for yourself. I pray that you make it through each day at least as sane as you woke up. I pray that you would be able to find time in your crazy days to read God's Word. To pray. To talk to Him, cast your cares on Him. I pray that your relationship with Him would deepen and blossom even more than it has.

I hope I don't take advantage of you. I hope I reciprocate some of these great qualities back to you. I know I am not as great a friend as you are, but I am working on it. You are a blessing I cannot imagine my life sans. Thank you.

I want you to know, because I don't tell you enough, that I love you. I love you so much.
I appreciate you. You are beautiful. You are wanted. You are needed. You are the best mom your kids could ever have been blessed with. And you, you are my bestest friend in the whole world.

Most of all I appreciate that you accept me as me. I appreciate that we can be together for days, or apart for days, and nothing changes. You're the BEST!

Stay sweet,
Rachy

P.S. Please come stay at my house whenever you want. Because you are ALWAYS welcome!


My best friend's name is Heather, and I am the rude one.
Best frand and I :) Love you long time Delilah!

 
 
And some songs, dedicated to you bestie!! <3

Friday, December 23, 2016

What Goes Down...








What goes up must come down is the more popular phrase, but let me tell ya, the reciprocal is what was relevant to me, as I found myself 3.5 miles deep into the Grand Canyon, the reality of having to go back up hit me like a two-ton brick.

Now let me first say, that this was a fantastic trip. I regret nothing about it. I was able to take with me one of my best friends, whom I may or may not have been able to survive without, good thing I didn't have to try to. And since returning from the trip, many of the comments I have made and stories I have told have not been the most positive, because I had let the one negative day/hours overcast on all the great times and experiences we had there!

The trip started out about 8pm for myself. Kayla and I had both worked the night before, and wanted to get some good sleep before heading out the next morning. But since we both worked nights, and each had obtained a little bit of rest (3 hours for me!) that day, we decided we would probably be up all night anyway (thank you screwed up circadian rhythm) so we set out that evening. The drive was a hair over 12 hours straight through. We stopped for gas a couple times, restroom breaks, but mostly made the drive pretty promptly, arriving in the wee hours of the morning in Arizona. Check-in at the campground wasn't until noon, so we found ourselves with some time to kill.

1st stop-Mather point We drove around until we found a visitor's station, and went in and checked out some options for the day. We had planned to just chill out, eat, relax, etc the first day there. And chill we did, the weather was quite brisk the entire time we were there. We made our way out to Mather point (a 5-minute walk from the visitor's center) and here we caught our first glimpse of the amazing handiwork of God. It was beautiful. Huge. Windy. Awesome. I paused for a moment, let the brisk air rush across my face, and tried with all my might to see where the canyon started and ended, but with all the twists and turns, and the length of it, that was impossible. It was so gorgeous. A light haze on the horizon, where the climates seemed to switch up. We spent a good 20 minutes here. We posed for pictures, took pictures for a couple other people out at the point, then gathered our things, and meandered down a paved path to the next 'point' of interest on the South Rim.
We continued in this manner, as we walked along the rim, for several hours. Stopping at a couple museums on the way. We then made our way to the shuttle bus (free y'all, free shuttles!) that took us back to the visitor's center. Then we made our way over to the café, ate supper, and drove back to the campground to check in and set up our campsite.



Setting up the tent was a chilly adventure (my 2nd time with the new tent, the first being the test run I did in my living room days before leaving for the Canyon.), but we were successful. We threw out some firewood, but then decided we were exhausted and needed a nap (it was about 4pm at this time.) I had very minimal cell service (let's be honest, I had no service), so I enjoyed the time away from my electronic device. It truly was a break. Unfortunately, this weekend happened to be my best friend's birthday, sister's birthday, and the only time my friend in the Marines had service to call/talk to me (time zones away), so I missed out on some very important things while there, but I lived, and they all did as well. With each text, I never knew if they were going to go through or not, so just hoped for the best, and if they weren't important then I simply just didn't even attempt.

Our 'nap' sesh, turned into a sleep all night until the next morning thing. Saturday morning rolls around. Throughout the prior day Kayla had awaited a confirmation call from the tour guide company that was to be giving us a tour hike the following day, and when one never came through, she called them to confirm. They discussed if we would rather see some sights, or hike down the canyon, or both, and what our food preferences were. Kayla and I woke Saturday morning all stoked for this hike. We packed our backpacks, and awaited the arrival of Josh, our guide. When we signed up for this hiking tour, we had to fill out information saying what level of hikers we were, what level of hike we were interested in, how long, etc. We certainly said low levels, though we are active, running on the treadmill, lifting weights, and working out on the elliptical are all quite different than hiking a canyon, so we played the safe card, and probably undersold ourselves. But that apparently was irrelevant. We were pushed to our max, in fact, I was pushed beyond mine.



Word of advice, if you want to experience the Canyon in all of it's glory and beauty from way down in it, and have a desire to hike, and are somewhat good at it, then absolutely, feel free to hike it. It is amazing, and I wouldn't take back the hike if I could. BUT, it is challenging. Some of the terrain is easier than others. We completed our hike on the Grandview trail. We started out, and it was fantastic. We got about a mile down and ended up having to shed some layers as the sun came out, and the wind ceased. Now Kayla and I work out, we go to the gym, in fact at this point I had been going twice a day, in hopes to at least have a healthy heart and stronger legs for this adventure. When we reached the Coconino Saddle, (1.1 miles down) I asked our tour guide if I needed to feel my legs to get back up to the top (in all seriousness, as they both has become a bit numb), to which he responds, "You will use different muscle groups on the way up." I legit was having some cramping in my thighs, but thought they would just work themselves out. At this time he also points out where he states our lunch will be, Horseshoe Mesa (did not know this at the time, but later found out it was a good 2+ miles farther than the saddle.) He asked if that sounded like a good stopping point, to eat, rest, then return. We both agreed, sure! We were excited for this experience.



As we continued, it seemed as though we never got closer, but somehow the rim got farther away. I could hardly feel my legs at all by the time we had almost reached our destination for lunch. I had to ask our guide to stop, as I was having trouble slowing my heart rate, and was nauseated beyond belief. He asked, 'is it mental or physical?' to which I respond, "I don't know, both!" At this point I was wondering in my head how much it would cost me to have a helicopter come rescue me, as opposed to hiking back up to the top. But we stopped, I was able to slowly munch on a granola bar, drink some water and Gatorade, and then encouraged them that we should start our trek back. I honestly thought for a good half an hour that I may or may not die down there. Kayla carried my pack, and our guide carried hers and his, so that I could rest, and I certainly would not have made it without having my load lightened. Our trek back up was much slower, with much more cognizance of how each other was doing, many breaks were taken, and rightly so. My legs, by the time we returned to the rim, were a half ton each. Every muscle beyond maxed out.

I would like to take a moment right now, and thank my best friend and companion on this trip. Kayla was SUCH an incredible motivator and encourager throughout the entire way back to the rim. She is a wonderful friend that I am beyond blessed to call mine.



We then drove to a couple other points on that part of the rim, that we would not have seen had our guide not taken us, and walked a small amount more, (or in my case stiffly limped/hobbled) to see the Desert View Watchtower that was designed by a female architect, Mary Colter, which was neat, but after the complete exhaustion I had experienced just moments before, I found it hard to appreciate the history and experiences at this point, due to wanting to just collapse and sleep. We then made our way back to camp. Our guide got out, we said our goodbyes, I hugged him, and he left. He returns about 5 minutes later, and asks us if his boss mentioned anything about gratuity. And encouraged us that this was not included in our hiking guide fee, and that gratuity was how they made their money. So we, though were not completely satisfied with our hike, and actually somewhat dissatisfied, went to our wallets, and found whatever cash we still had left ($40) and gave it to him. He then left, for real this time. And we hit the showers, ate some food, and hit the sleeping bags, HARD. I slept so hard. I was so sore, I remember needing to pee at about 0300, and debating just lying there and holding it in as long as I possibly could, but then relented, and painfully removed myself from the warmth of the tent, into the brisk breeze to meander the short walk to the restrooms.



After rising the next morning (not-so-early) we meandered about camp, getting ready for the day, and decided to take the shuttle bus to the Hermit's Rest route. Where there were several points along the rim that a shuttle bus would stop at to drop off/pick up tourists. There were also walking paths between these points. We rode to the end, then got off, and started the trek back. We hoped to make it until sunset, but we were again exhausted, and just needed some rest. We could tell there was a storm moving in because there were tarantulas all over the roads! We made it back to camp. Ran to the café, ate some supper, and then showered, and bed. All the walking was great for my tired legs, but they sure were sore still.



But it was good. All was good! We really had a great time. Kayla was able to rid herself of something that had been bogging her a little. We had many many great conversations about life. We talked, so much. I hadn't realized just how much I missed her, until I was able to spend not minutes, not hours, but DAYS with her again! We had so many laughs. So many great times. Mind reading moments, total jam parties in Dory. Just an all-around blast.

I am unsure of which night for sure, but one of the last nights in Arizona, Kayla and I were getting in the prepaid showers, both of us had already put in the $2 and started the water, when she realized she had left her towel in the car. We were discussing what to do about it, when some kind lady offers up, 'I have done the same thing before, if you give me your keys, I can run out and get it for you!' Of course, I was a bit hesitant, but mostly trusting of this kind woman, but I offer up, I left the keys in the vehicle too, but you can use my code to get in! So I told her the code, she repeated it back 3 or 4 times, then asked what kind of vehicle I drive. It was a small bathing/laundry facility, so the parking lot probably only maxed out at 30 vehicles, and I gave her brief instructions on where I was parked, the color and make of the car, and my friend informed her where her towel could be located within the vehicle. She returns, quite promptly with towel in hand, and we say thank you so much! Kayla says, 'God bless you!' The kind woman responds, 'You're so welcome, and I hope both of you girls voted...and not for the man who is our president.' Commence awkward silence. I remained silent because I had voted, and for the man who was president, but also I was still buck naked in the shower and this woman still had my car's passcode on her brain (keys, spare keys, wallet, purse, ID, phone chargers, etc all in car) and could absolutely go out there and ruin my life right now if she so desired to! But, Kayla got her towel, and nothing else was missing from the car, nor was there any graffiti after the no response to her voting comment.

So there is a funny note to end on! Also, I am still working on losing 2 toenails, but the rest have remained intact! It's only over a month later. Sorry for the wait for the great story of the Grand Canyon & Rachael/Kayla meeting for the first time. And don't think for a second that I don't want to go back, because I do. I want to take my family there, and my husband and kiddos someday! Except, negative to the tour guided hike. Y'all, if you need tips on where to hike, or whatnot, we have some. And you can absolutely do the Grandview trail, just not maybe as far as we did, unless you are avid hikers. There are several hikes that are much simpler, and even have water stops, etc, and are equally beautiful. So don't hesitate to hike the canyon, just know the guide is unnecessary, as long as you practice safe hiking and come prepared, and realize that some trails will be more challenging. Maybe don't start with one of the most challenging that the Canyon has to offer for your first hike!

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Anniversaries, and my Best Sister-Frand

If we were in a room full of people, and I asked if there was a date this year that meant anything to you, everyone would raise their hands. 

Your birthday probably means a little something, even if it is just a despised day because it means another year has gone by. Or maybe a wedding anniversary, in which case racking up the years tends to bring more joy than resentment. (Not that I know from personal experience, but hey, I know a LOT of married people, and they all get all excited for another year of their wedded-ness.) Maybe the day you asked Jesus to come into your heart and life. Maybe the date is the birthday of a family member, a loved one, your child. Maybe it is the day that a loved one died. Or is it the day you were diagnosed with cancer, or even better the day you were told you were in remission? The day you wrecked your car, the day your best friend died, the day you purchased your first home. 


There are a jillion things that could have dates that hold some measure of significance to you. Some you want to remember, and some you wish you could forget. Some you relive every night in your nightmares, and some you wish you could remember even the smallest of details of. 


Two (well, three) of my 'significant' dates' anniversaries will occur in these next 2 days. 

________________

July 1st, 2008

My boss told me before leaving work last night, to not come in first thing, that they would call me when they needed me. So this morning, I stayed home, and hung out with the siblings. Right around lunch time is when they decide they need me up at the elevator. Just after hanging up with him, I was standing in the kitchen giving my youngest brother flack, saying I was going to wear the hat he had on his head to work today, as it was the elevator's logo on the hat, but he doesn't relent. He throws his palm to the top of his head and holds down with all his might as I tried to wrestle it off his head. So I give up, tell him goodbye, and walk over to work. 


 (Simon and one of his beloved kittens in June 2008)

Little did I know what was going to transpire over the span of the next 18(ish) hours. Of course hindsight is 20/20, but I would literally give a limb, or 4, to go back and hang out with him the rest of the day, an hour longer, a couple more minutes, anything. 


 (Simon and I in June, 2008)


We are having quite a busy afternoon, with trucks dumping over at the Garvey elevator and at the main elevators. Suppertime comes and goes, and as the sun is dancing with the horizon, my boss comes into the main office from over by the Garvey elevator and tells me there is an ambulance across the street from my house. He says it looks like my youngest brother wrecked his bike, might have broken his leg. My jaw slowly drops for a second, then clenches back shut tight with concern. I peek out there, see the ambulance, come back inside, and debate internally with leaving or staying to earn a couple bucks. 

The money wins this time, never again though, never again.


Turns out he had been ran over by a semi and trailer, and they end up flying Simon to Wichita, where he later dies, (July 2nd, 2008) on an operating room table prior to surgery, having too much internal bleeding, his poor body had compensated as long as it possibly could, but by the time they were in the operating room, it was already too late. (You can read more about that night/morning in my blog An Open Letter to my 17-year-old Self.)



July 2nd, 1995 

The date that one of my bestest friends escaped her mother's womb into this crazy world. Do I myself remember this date per se? Nope. I didn't meet her until several years later, and I couldn't even tell you the date that I met this little bombshell, but I can tell you I didn't forget it intentionally! This girl has been there for me through it all. Her house was where I went that day in 2008. It was her birthday, and such a horrible day for me, but I welcomed the distraction. I welcomed finding anything and everything I possibly could to occupy my mind and keep the emotions from rumbling in my lungs and rolling down my cheeks. I don't remember much from that day, but I remember walking through the door and being hugged by her mother, for what seemed like just the right amount of time. 


 (Tier and I at the Logan Co fair 2012)

I can't say we always got along, everyone fights sometimes, but I honestly cannot remember what a single fight was about. So we loved enough to get over those at least. 

She was also where I turned to occupy myself after I wrecked my car the following January. I stayed over at her house many a night. It became such a habit, that I didn't even really have to ask anymore. I would still have to call home to Mom and ask permission from her, but I was pretty much invited over there whenever I wanted to be. 

__________________

So, that anniversary is always one mixed with sorrow and joy. I will always be sad. I will always miss Simon, sometimes just speaking his name wells up some big ole tears. There are memories, and a lot of them, but not enough, I will always wish for more. But, joy, because he is in heaven. He is dancing with Jesus everyday. And even more joy, because though something awful happened on this date 8 years ago, it is still my best friend's birthday! And she deserves a celebration for sure!


 (Tier and I hanging out on Andrew's day of birth!)


So, to my dearest best friend, I wrote you a letter. It is short, and mostly sweet (kidding, all sweet!) But mostly, I just want to tell you that I love you bff!

__________________

Tierney Kaylene


You mean the world to me. You have seen me at my worst, and what some would call my best. You rode with me many mornings to school, and sometimes you even got to drive. Sometimes when you drove exciting things happened. Good times, good times. Many hours spent walking around our little town. Four-wheeler escapades. Feeding livestock at the corrals. Making s'mores in the microwave. Sleeping in the living room(s), both upper and lower. Celebrating Thanksgiving down at the motel in Russell Springs. Many times hanging out at Grandma Debbie's house. Riding rides together at the Logan Co fair. You coming to church with me. My parent's 25th anniversary party. Listening to Johnny and June by Heidi Newfield ...over, and over and over and over again with your Momma. Your graduation party. So many good times, too many to list them all, but I got off to a good start there!


You are going to be an amazing nurse, because you are smart as a whip, and you have a kind heart that cares for others, especially in their weakest and lowest times.You will be a wonderful asset to the healthcare system wherever you decide to settle down at. 


You are, and will forever be, my best friend and sister. Life ain't always beautiful, but mine is when you're around. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on, a lent hand, a contagious smile, and joyful laugh. You make my world a better place. You have grown up soooo much since we first met, and I have enjoyed it all. We don't see each other near often enough, but when we do finally get together, we catch up in mere minutes, and then it is like we were never apart.


Thank you for being beautiful.

Thank you for being you.
Thank you for accepting me with all my baggage.
Thank you for helping me carry my baggage.
Thank you for loving me.

I love you so much dear friend and cannot wait to see what this next year, and the rest of our future brings. (I think I can hear wedding bells and babies crying...)


Happy 21st birthday(tomorrow), sweet friend.


So much love, 

RachyAnn

P.S. You're stuck with me for the rest of time. Sorry, not sorry.

P.P.S. We need an updated pic together.
          That is all. Love you!!!


Monday, May 23, 2016

A Letter to My Brokenhearted BFF

Subconsciously I find myself ranking my best friends. But there is not just one #1. There are a couple. When you are from completely different times in my life, and bring completely different qualities to the table, how can one compare all of you to the same standard? This goes out to one of you. This is not a random open letter to a random person, but rather a very pointed letter to a specific and special friend, but names won't be mentioned. You know who you are.

Sometimes it is hard to say in person, the way I really feel, even to a best friend. I feel I can be open and completely honest with you, but sometimes we go about life leaving some things unvoiced, just convincing ourselves that the people we love know how we feel because we show them in the way we live and treat them. But I also know that sometimes, especially when distance separates us, we don't say how we really feel and how important others are to us often enough, so I am writing this letter to say it for me.



To My Best Friend,

You are a very important person in my life. You are one of my dearest friends. You know me better than I know myself, I am so sure.  When we are together, the rest of the world dims just a little, and we get lost in the moment. For me, my worries fade, I savor the times we spend together. Surprises are rare with you, because we know each other so well. The element of surprise isn't lost, I am just usually guaranteed that it won't be a 'bad' surprise, only good ones.

A couple weeks ago, I was perusing on social media and a couple things caught my attention, and I immediately sent you a text. We work nights, so I knew you may be sleeping and would respond to a text just as quick as a phone call, but didn't feel this was important enough in the moment to chance waking you with a call. Not because I don't love to hear your sweet voice, but because I know how much I loathe being woke in the middle of my minimal hours of sleep between shifts. My text was quick, and a bit vague, but full of concern, love, and wonder. Most of all, I was trying to make my heart return to it's normal rhythm. I feared that where my brain ran, after piecing together a couple pieces of information, might actually be the truth, and immediately I started praying.

I hope you know this was not the first time I prayed for you. I have prayed for you for years. I prayed for you to find a good man. I prayed for you to find a best friend in that good man, in hopes for a long future together. I prayed for you many of the same things I pray also for myself. A good job, helpful co-workers, healthy self and family, a man for God to join you with.

We aren't always able to spend as much time together as we'd like to, but life has a funny way of throwing miles between the best of friends. If it was a test, we passed, with flying colors. Our friendship is tried and true.

My heart breaks for you. My brain hurts, just trying to think of ways to help, to make it better, to fix things. My arms long to squeeze you in a bear hug for hours. I want to hold you while you cry on my shoulder, I want to wipe your tears. I want, for just a moment, to be able to help you forget about all that is wrong in your life, and just be lost in the bliss of our friendship. When we are together, all of life's problems aren't magically solved, but they sure seem less significant. I want that for you. I want that for you right now. 

When you called me back, I didn't even know what to say. My worst fear for you was coming true in the words you spoke through the phone. I was hundreds of miles away, making it impossible to truly comfort you. My stomach was in knots, my heart was broken, and my tongue was twisted. I was at a loss for words. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do to make it better. Since I am miles away, it seems all I can do is pray.

I don't mean to minimize prayer, as God commands we do it, and I find it extremely important in my life, and always a comfort for me. It brings me joy to pray for those I love dearly, and even those I may not love as much. I know you appreciate the prayers, and I pray God is comforting you in ways unimaginable at this time, but I still feel like I am doing you an injustice as your best friend in this time of need. I know you would never tell me so, but I hope you know I wish I could be there and do more for you. 

My words seem meaningless the minute they come out of my mouth, and even now as my fingers are flying across the keys. You are in a tough spot, and I don't know what to say that may help soften the edges of the knife life has thrown into you right now.


I know you are strong. You face everything that life throws at you head-on, and I know it seems life has thrown you an unfair amount of hard times in your young 25 years. I know somehow, no matter what you've been faced with, you always come out with your head high on your shoulders and a smile on your pretty little face. You are beautiful. You are fun. You are a smart, wonderful, tenderhearted nurse. You are loved. You are missed. You are sensitive and bright. You are a safe haven for the weary heart. You are a true friend. You are spontaneous and bubbly, yet quiet and reserved. You are the kind of best friend every girl longs to have. You are perfect, yet perfectly imperfect. You are perfect to me.

You are a friend that I consider family. Even though my life without you would be like a box full of abandoned puppies, I know I don't need to talk to you everyday, because that would be like checking in with my siblings every 24 hours, and Lord knows I don't do that. That would only lead to silly arguments. I know it will be hard if not impossible for you to find a crazier person to call friend, and for that fact alone I am grateful that you claim me most days. Thank you for standing by me through the thick and thin in life. Thank you for being a person with whom the silences are never awkward.

I don't know why you choose to maintain this friendship with me, but I love you for it. You and a few crazy souls like you, that for some strange reason keep offering me love and comradeship. You have seen me at my most immature moments, and yet you choose to stick around. You're the real MVPs, just so you know. Thank you for always listening, to the important things, the off-the-wall and nonsensical things, and all the little things I may converse to you about. Thank you for always making time for me. Thank you for showing me that two people don't have to love the same music and movies and shows and interests to be get along. I know I can do the most simple and usually boring tasks with you, and they won't suck. Your friendship is indispensable to me.

Thank you for trusting me enough to come to me in your times of need. Thank you for letting your tears fall on my shoulders, in the comfort of my home. Thank you for trusting me with your fears and doubts, your insecurities. Thank you for being one of the first and truest friends I made in college. The last 7 years of my life would be much different without you playing a part in it. I thank God daily that He allowed us to meet, bond, and blossom together.

Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't find it within me to believe in myself. Thank you for being there to help me pick up the pieces of myself when yet another person had let me down. Thank you for being strong enough to tell me to my face when I needed to check myself. Thank you for being willing to dance like crazy in the middle of the dance floor. Thank you for never pressuring me into doing anything I didn't want to, but for encouraging me to try new things. Thank you for being there for my first break-up, being a safety net for my heart, breaking the fall.

Thank you for encouraging me when I knew I was going to fail microbiology, that class was the devil of all classes. Thank you for being inspiring, for being a motivating factor behind my getting into the library to study more often than I would have on my own terms. Thank you for showing me what a good college student looks like. Thank you for getting me out of the house too, thanks for knowing when enough studying is enough studying, and going out on the town for a good time with me. Thank you for not making the men in your life your only priority, but including your friends in the mix. 

Keeping a friendship alive is a two-way street. It requires tending from both parties, and you do it well, I hope I return at least half the effort that you give. Despite the amazing people I have met along the way in this life journey down here in Armpit of America, KS, you are still one of the most frequent on my mind. Especially now, now that I wonder how you're feeling, I wonder how I missed the signs leading up to this. I wonder how you hid it so well, from someone who thought she knew all things you. Believe me when I say that I don't blame you for my not knowing; I blame myself. For not seeing signs, picking up signals, or sensing your unhappiness. I am sorry that I wasn't as good a friend as I thought I had been.

I do not how what you are going through at this moment will impact the rest of your life, but I can promise I will be here to hold your hand as you go through it. I can promise I will be here, for whatever, whenever you need me. I can promise that this friendship is a priority in my life, and I plan to keep that way until we are both racing around in wheelchairs, yelling loud enough that our hearing aides pick up at least traces of our conversations, and find ourselves frequently laughing our dentures right out of our mouths.

Now it is my turn to encourage you. Dear precious friend, God has you. He is holding you, He has been with you through it all. He sees your broken heart, He knows the strife you have been through. He knows.  Keep your head up, and when you have kept it up as long as you can, come rest it on my shoulder.

I love you for being the wonderful person you are. I love you for not being afraid to just be you! I love you for the joy you bring into my life just by being there. I love you for listening to me list all my troubles, and for sharing yours with me. I love you for trusting me with your secrets. I love you for accepting me, with all my inadequacies. I love you for the fun we always have together, the many laughs, the road trips, the inside jokes. I love you for always feeling comfortable enough to be open with me. 

I love you most of all for being the best friend anyone could ever have. I am so incredibly blessed to call you friend, sweet girl.

Love you SO much,
RachyAnn

https://youtu.be/F77v41jbOYs <--Tell Your Heart to Beat Again-Danny Gokey

Sunday, March 27, 2016

What is Wrong with Me?


When a boy doesn't respond back after your first date. When a boy doesn't text or call you back after you hung out one time. When you find out your husband has been looking at porn. When your husband cheats on you physically or emotionally. What do we as women do?

We may get upset, may get angry, may even cry about it, and then we stop and begin to wonder. We question and doubt ourselves and our adequacy.

We wonder a lot of things, but mostly, 'What is wrong with me, and what did I do wrong?'  What is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough?

We single ladies wonder all the above, and may also wonder: Was I too forward? Was I not forward enough? Does he think I am going to contact him first? Should I contact him first? Isn't the male supposed to plan the next date? Is that still the norm? We need to try and not get hung up on these questions, they can ruin a day, a week, even months if we let them. We must rest assured that God has a plan, and that He will reveal that plan and that man all in good time. 

I read an article, in fact, a couple of articles popped up with a similar message. I don't need a man to complete me, that is Jesus' job, I need a man to compliment me. Finding said man may take time, and some effort, but God has a plan and a purpose. No, I don't plan on hermit-ing in my house for years expecting God to bring my Mister Forever to my front door, to ring the bell, and drop to one knee saying God led him there. No, I don't think every Mister Right Now is 'The One.' But, what I have to keep reminding myself, is no matter what, God has a plan, and I need to keep my head up.

So, meanwhile in the waiting, I will keep praying, and I plan to keep this smile on my face, even while I struggle (mentally and emotionally) with dating and the single life. I plan to keep bringing joy to others with my quirkiness, and helping others out in any way I see necessary or am able.

Don’t get me wrong, a relationship with the right guy will someday prove to be a wonderful sweep-me-off-my-feet experience, well worth the effort and patience required to get there. But I know that if I'm looking for a guy to fill an empty spot in my heart, I'm asking for the impossible and will end up disappointed.

And you married folks dealing with porn addiction or cheating. No one quits anything alone, everyone who has a true addiction needs help, whether it just be you and God, or you, God, and your spouse, your Mom, a support group, a prayer/Bible study group, your church family. Whomever and whatever it takes, your spouse and your marriage are worth it, you decided that when you said 'I do.' So don't give up or give in now, keep fighting, keep your marriage bed holy, your marriage will be stronger after facing and battling through this. Take note of the warning signs of what led you to where you are today, hindsight is almost always 20-20, and now you know what big or little things you did, saw, or feelings you acted upon that led you to that low point, avoid those. Take the high road every time, you will never regret it. Maybe busying yourself and your mind with your spouse, your children, your tasks, your God will help.  Read your Bible; I find the more I dwell in His Word, the more I think on Him and the more I pray. Use Him to occupy your free time, rather than letting your mind wander, yield yourself to Christ rather than that porn site or that relationship that went too far with someone other than your spouse.

The struggle is real, always will be. So is God, and He ALWAYS will be. I find that when I pray, even when I may not be getting the answers I think I need in the timeframe I think I need them, just simply talking to God still helps lower my stress levels and anxiety. So chat it up with Him y'all! He wants to hear from you! I will never have all the answers to all of life's dilemmas, but I rest assured in knowing my God does! 

Here is a perfect song for those of us struggling to find completion without and/or before we find our significant other:  Completely- by Among the Thirsty

Monday, February 22, 2016

To the Friend I Never got to Say Goodbye To


Jacob,

I don't know what to write to you, because my heart is still broken.  I know that I loved you then, and I love you now. I can tell you that when I left my job in Hays, you were my favorite CNA to work alongside with, always there to help, always there to make me laugh when we had been having a long shift. Always there, way behind on charting just like me because we had been so busy, and willing to entertain me and make me laugh in an empty patient room while we stayed after our shift to catch up on that charting, which probably made the catching up on charting actually take much longer, but if you asked me then, I didn't care. If you ask me now, I will tell you I would go back and waste much more time with you if I could.


If you asked a patient, any patient you ever cared for, they would say you were a kindhearted gentleman, who did your best to make their stay enjoyable and as short as possible. And as much as I enjoyed working with you, I loved our time spent together outside of work even more. Our late afternoon walks, hours of playing basketball, swinging in the park, driving around.


You were never one to complain, which is probably why no one suspected anything like the outcome that came about after you went missing. You sure knew how to listen though, and I appreciated that, thank you. In fact, I find myself talking to you still sometimes. I wish your family would have left your Facebook profile up, it was just a little thing, and maybe it was too painful for them to see you in what we consider a big part of our lives now, on our technology that we let distract us from each other and the people and things that really matter, but I enjoyed being able to scroll through pictures of you, pictures of you doing things you loved with people you loved.


But you never let those distractions get in the way when we were together. You gave me all your attention, and I enjoyed it, I hope I returned the respect. You mom convinced herself that you were going to be found, you were going to open a random door for a random elderly lady, who was going to look up to your face to thank you, and recognize you, because you were that kind of person.


Your sisters, 16 and 14 at the time. I remember you always talking about them and how you being their brother, also tried to fill the role of being their father, because you had been raised without one most of your life, and didn't want them to have to go through that as well. And though I know they only saw you as their brother, they did nothing less than respect you and appreciate the time you made them priority in your life. As much as my heart is broken, I know they, at their young and vulnerable age, also have questions and doubts, and wish they could have done or said something to help. No child should have to bury their brother, I have been there and done that, but the circumstances were quite different.



I remember texting you the day before you went missing, our last conversation. I had been gone from Hays for months by this time, the times I had returned, whether for family obligation or to grab more stuff from my storage unit, it never worked out for us to get together. I wish I could say it was all your fault, but it was both of us, our schedules that we used to force to coincide, no longer did. I spent most of my days over a hundred miles away, but it felt like an eternity away.
 
The day before you took off in your uncle's vehicle. The day before you went and bought a gun and ammo. The day before you decided life wasn't worth living anymore. The day before I prayed for you for hours (or rather, days). The day before the end of your known life. I don't know what day you actually shot yourself, you were missing for 10. I don't know the thoughts going through your mind, but I can imagine utter and complete darkness and despair. I miss you. I remember the moment I found out. And oddly enough, I drove to the closest cemetery, and just wept. Sat there, on that chilly fall night, and just cried to God. The questions reeling through me, with answers to never be known. I went through all the stages of grief, but I definitely started out befuddled, with overwhelming questions, and then anger.

Anger at you, for not letting me in. Anger at you for not telling me what was really going on in your life and in your head. Anger at you for acting like everything was normal and fine, and asking me all about my life instead of answering my questions to you about yours with an honest heart. If you had told me, I would have come back to Hays the first day I had off, maybe even before. I would have listened, I wouldn't have judged, with you and I it was never about that. We accepted each other with all our imperfections.


I remember being so angry that everyone around me could just go on living, and expected me to do the same, even though I had just lost a best friend. Angry at God, because no one should ever have to go through this, not you, not I. Angry at Him because He didn't step in, because He let you buy that gun, because He let you drive to a field in the middle of no where where no one would find you soon enough to talk you out of killing yourself. I have never even contemplated taking the easy way out like you did, but I could never even if I wanted to.


I will forever wish I knew sooner how you were feeling. I can't even remember the last time I saw you for sure, but I remember every bit of our last conversation, because after I found out you were missing, I read it over and over again. And then after losing you, that was all I had of you. All that time we spent together and we don't even have a picture together. But Jacob, your face will never leave me. I will never forget your hugs, your voice, your always hilarious snaps.


I could never kill myself, because I know that my family members expect me in their lives. I am important to them, as were you to me. My father needs to walk me down the aisle, my mother needs to hold my hand while I am laboring my first child into this world. My God needs me to stay on this earth until He decides my time is done, His plan for me complete. 

11 days.


The number of days from the last time I talked to you to the day your body was found in a pasture with self-inflicted GSW. 10 days, the number of days you were missing.  1 day, the amount of time it took for you to go from telling me we were going to hang out when I came to Hays 24 days later, to deciding life was not worth it anymore. 9 days, the amount of time from your last credit card charge, until your family's hopes were raised with news you had been found, then crushed while being informed of the lifeless state your body was in when located under a tree near a pond.


The only thing that kept me going after hearing about your body being found, was remembering the times we talked about God, and my resting assured that you knew my Savior, and had asked Him into your heart, hope that those talks were genuine and honest. And though you didn't always walk the walk or talk the talk, none of us always do, and I believe that someday I may run into you beyond those pearly gates.


If I could have said goodbye, I wouldn't have. I would never have granted your wish to let you do this and never see you again. I wouldn't have let you ask your uncle to borrow his car and a couple bucks. I wouldn't have let you go to that pawn shop for a gun, and then purchase some ammo. No. I would not have said goodbye. I would have told you I loved you, I would have told you our friendship meant the world to me. I would have told you no matter what was going on, this is not the best answer. I would have told you to let me in, let me in your heart, let me in your mind, let me care for you like you have so tenderly cared for everyone else around you. I would have told you that you matter. I would have told you how dark this world would be without the light you provided. I would have told you I needed you. I would have told you not to do it. I would have told you God never wanted your life to end this way. I would have told you I didn't want to walk this earth knowing you no longer shared it with me. I would have told you I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to permanently miss you. I wanted to be able to come back and have the missing of you resolved with a hang out sesh in Hays. I would have told you that I love you, best friend, and your life matters.


I miss you more than a fat kid at fat camp misses cake,


Rachael

What I Know-Tricia Brock watch the Youtube video here! I love this song, amongst all the questions that never feel answered, this I am sure of. You my God are real. <3