Sometimes it is hard to say in person, the way I really feel, even to a best friend. I feel I can be open and completely honest with you, but sometimes we go about life leaving some things unvoiced, just convincing ourselves that the people we love know how we feel because we show them in the way we live and treat them. But I also know that sometimes, especially when distance separates us, we don't say how we really feel and how important others are to us often enough, so I am writing this letter to say it for me.
To My Best Friend,
You are a very important person in my life. You are one of my dearest friends. You know me better than I know myself, I am so sure. When we are together, the rest of the world dims just a little, and we get lost in the moment. For me, my worries fade, I savor the times we spend together. Surprises are rare with you, because we know each other so well. The element of surprise isn't lost, I am just usually guaranteed that it won't be a 'bad' surprise, only good ones.
A couple weeks ago, I was perusing on social media and a couple things caught my attention, and I immediately sent you a text. We work nights, so I knew you may be sleeping and would respond to a text just as quick as a phone call, but didn't feel this was important enough in the moment to chance waking you with a call. Not because I don't love to hear your sweet voice, but because I know how much I loathe being woke in the middle of my minimal hours of sleep between shifts. My text was quick, and a bit vague, but full of concern, love, and wonder. Most of all, I was trying to make my heart return to it's normal rhythm. I feared that where my brain ran, after piecing together a couple pieces of information, might actually be the truth, and immediately I started praying.
I hope you know this was not the first time I prayed for you. I have prayed for you for years. I prayed for you to find a good man. I prayed for you to find a best friend in that good man, in hopes for a long future together. I prayed for you many of the same things I pray also for myself. A good job, helpful co-workers, healthy self and family, a man for God to join you with.
We aren't always able to spend as much time together as we'd like to, but life has a funny way of throwing miles between the best of friends. If it was a test, we passed, with flying colors. Our friendship is tried and true.
My heart breaks for you. My brain hurts, just trying to think of ways to help, to make it better, to fix things. My arms long to squeeze you in a bear hug for hours. I want to hold you while you cry on my shoulder, I want to wipe your tears. I want, for just a moment, to be able to help you forget about all that is wrong in your life, and just be lost in the bliss of our friendship. When we are together, all of life's problems aren't magically solved, but they sure seem less significant. I want that for you. I want that for you right now.
When you called me back, I didn't even know what to say. My worst fear for you was coming true in the words you spoke through the phone. I was hundreds of miles away, making it impossible to truly comfort you. My stomach was in knots, my heart was broken, and my tongue was twisted. I was at a loss for words. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do to make it better. Since I am miles away, it seems all I can do is pray.
I don't mean to minimize prayer, as God commands we do it, and I find it extremely important in my life, and always a comfort for me. It brings me joy to pray for those I love dearly, and even those I may not love as much. I know you appreciate the prayers, and I pray God is comforting you in ways unimaginable at this time, but I still feel like I am doing you an injustice as your best friend in this time of need. I know you would never tell me so, but I hope you know I wish I could be there and do more for you.
My words seem meaningless the minute they come out of my mouth, and even now as my fingers are flying across the keys. You are in a tough spot, and I don't know what to say that may help soften the edges of the knife life has thrown into you right now.
You are a friend that I consider family. Even though my life without you would be like a box full of abandoned puppies, I know I don't need to talk to you everyday, because that would be like checking in with my siblings every 24 hours, and Lord knows I don't do that. That would only lead to silly arguments. I know it will be hard if not impossible for you to find a crazier person to call friend, and for that fact alone I am grateful that you claim me most days. Thank you for standing by me through the thick and thin in life. Thank you for being a person with whom the silences are never awkward.
I don't know why you choose to maintain this friendship with me, but I love you for it. You and a few crazy souls like you, that for some strange reason keep offering me love and comradeship. You have seen me at my most immature moments, and yet you choose to stick around. You're the real MVPs, just so you know. Thank you for always listening, to the important things, the off-the-wall and nonsensical things, and all the little things I may converse to you about. Thank you for always making time for me. Thank you for showing me that two people don't have to love the same music and movies and shows and interests to be get along. I know I can do the most simple and usually boring tasks with you, and they won't suck. Your friendship is indispensable to me.
Thank you for trusting me enough to come to me in your times of need. Thank you for letting your tears fall on my shoulders, in the comfort of my home. Thank you for trusting me with your fears and doubts, your insecurities. Thank you for being one of the first and truest friends I made in college. The last 7 years of my life would be much different without you playing a part in it. I thank God daily that He allowed us to meet, bond, and blossom together.
Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't find it within me to believe in myself. Thank you for being there to help me pick up the pieces of myself when yet another person had let me down. Thank you for being strong enough to tell me to my face when I needed to check myself. Thank you for being willing to dance like crazy in the middle of the dance floor. Thank you for never pressuring me into doing anything I didn't want to, but for encouraging me to try new things. Thank you for being there for my first break-up, being a safety net for my heart, breaking the fall.
Thank you for encouraging me when I knew I was going to fail microbiology, that class was the devil of all classes. Thank you for being inspiring, for being a motivating factor behind my getting into the library to study more often than I would have on my own terms. Thank you for showing me what a good college student looks like. Thank you for getting me out of the house too, thanks for knowing when enough studying is enough studying, and going out on the town for a good time with me. Thank you for not making the men in your life your only priority, but including your friends in the mix.
Keeping a friendship alive is a two-way street. It requires tending from both parties, and you do it well, I hope I return at least half the effort that you give. Despite the amazing people I have met along the way in this life journey down here in Armpit of America, KS, you are still one of the most frequent on my mind. Especially now, now that I wonder how you're feeling, I wonder how I missed the signs leading up to this. I wonder how you hid it so well, from someone who thought she knew all things you. Believe me when I say that I don't blame you for my not knowing; I blame myself. For not seeing signs, picking up signals, or sensing your unhappiness. I am sorry that I wasn't as good a friend as I thought I had been.
I do not how what you are going through at this moment will impact the rest of your life, but I can promise I will be here to hold your hand as you go through it. I can promise I will be here, for whatever, whenever you need me. I can promise that this friendship is a priority in my life, and I plan to keep that way until we are both racing around in wheelchairs, yelling loud enough that our hearing aides pick up at least traces of our conversations, and find ourselves frequently laughing our dentures right out of our mouths.Now it is my turn to encourage you. Dear precious friend, God has you. He is holding you, He has been with you through it all. He sees your broken heart, He knows the strife you have been through. He knows. Keep your head up, and when you have kept it up as long as you can, come rest it on my shoulder.
I love you for being the wonderful person you are. I love you for not being afraid to just be you! I love you for the joy you bring into my life just by being there. I love you for listening to me list all my troubles, and for sharing yours with me. I love you for trusting me with your secrets. I love you for accepting me, with all my inadequacies. I love you for the fun we always have together, the many laughs, the road trips, the inside jokes. I love you for always feeling comfortable enough to be open with me.
I love you most of all for being the best friend anyone could ever have. I am so incredibly blessed to call you friend, sweet girl.
Love you SO much,
RachyAnn
https://youtu.be/F77v41jbOYs <--Tell Your Heart to Beat Again-Danny Gokey
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