Never Too Far Gone

Have you ever done something so bad, so wrong, that you wondered and certainly doubted that God could ever have possibly loved you through it, and especially doubted the existence of His love for you afterward?

If you said yes, well I feel you. Me too.

Thankfully we serve an amazing God who is able to love us through it all.

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When I moved to Ulysses America back in 2014, I just knew God had great plans for me.

Before moving down here, I established a wonderful friendship. A friendship that almost had endless possibilities. A friendship I knew was appointed from God Himself. This encouraged me even more that this was going to be a great adventure to unfold down here in Southwest Kansas.

I tended to that friendship tediously. It bloomed and blossomed, and flourished with such liveliness I couldn't even believe it myself.

Meanwhile, my other friends, and family even, fell to the back burner.

Church was a huge priority, and I made sure it stayed that way. God always being my focus.

Until He wasn't anymore.

Until there were more important things than church, more important things than family sometimes.

Sleep. Hanging out. Walking the streets of our city. Etc.

I was happy, oh trust me, I thought I was happy. I truly was. Very very happy. Our pastor spoke this morning in church, about how happiness is based on happenings. Everything that was happening with me, to me, and around me? They all were quite perfect and right, I thought at the time. I was happy, very happy.

Until I wasn't.

No one was to blame for my loss of that happiness more than myself.

In fact, some people tried to influence the regress of smiles. But their efforts were without yield. I was in a slump. I had lost what I thought was one of the most important people in the world at the time.

Suddenly I was walking a LOT more. I mean, 10-15 miles a night, every single night I was off.

Suddenly, I found myself wondering what this God that I thought I loved and served so well could possibly want with me still. How He could keep this frail and unstable wanderer under His wing and close eye. How He could possibly still care for a stray like me. How He could possibly still have a home built just for me in Heaven.



Let me tell you these thoughts, and my current situations, cascaded into a whole whirlwind of mood swings, total confusion, bad eating habits, an awful lot of wear and tear on what used to be some pretty good sneakers.

Throughout it all, I certainly doubted God. I doubted that He could still love me. But looking back now, He showed me, proved to me, sometimes more than once in a given day, that He still cared for me, that He still wanted me, that I still mattered to Him.

So when you feel like you might have done something so incredibly awful and wrong and sinful, something you just know had to had driven God away from you, turned His face from you and your life, your heart. Just remember this.

That is the devil talking.

Satan wants nothing more than for you to doubt our great God and His love for you. He wants nothing more than you to get distracted, to look away, to turn from God, because He would not turn from you, the devil knows that. But if the devil can get you to look away for just a second, then he believes he has won a mini battle, and maybe he did, maybe you let him, maybe you stopped fighting, stopped believing in the purpose for why you were created.

He won with me. I sunk deeper and deeper into sin, until it seemed okay. It seemed fine enough. It didn't bother me as much anymore, I didn't hear the voices as often in my head, the ones that discouraged my interaction with this sin. They faded. I let the devil win that battle.

But my God has already won the war.

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No matter what I have done, He is here with me. He wants me. He wants YOU. He wants you to know that. He is fighting your battles for you, battles you don't even know are happening. He is fighting for you. Because He loves you.



He is with us all along, He never leaves us.



:)

Music is an amazing tool God has created for us, to bring glory to Him, to worship Him. In church, in the car, at home. These are some songs that came to mind while writing this blog. God brings music to me, in just the right time, with just the right words, to reel in my mind, to return my focus to Him, to praise Him for everything in my life. To bring Him the glory. To thank Him for the struggle and the failures, as well as the victories and easy days. Because no matter what I go through, He has a plan, He has a purpose, for every tear of joy and every tear of sorrow.

So have a listen, because some of these are pretttttty great! Enjoy their gifts from God!

Never Too Far Gone ~ Jodan Feliz

How Can It Be ~ Lauren Daigle
Battles ~ the Afters
Beloved ~ Jordan Feliz
Let Go ~ Flame
I'll Keep On ~ NF
Hold On ~ TobyMac
Salt & Light ~ Lauren Daigle

Thank you for stopping by. I leave you with this...

God has a plan for you. Don't think for a second that He doesn't. You are important to Him. Whatever battle you are facing, whatever you are going through, it is just preparing you for the victory ahead. Keep your head up, your eyes fixed on Christ. Love you all. 💙

Pray fervently. Live passionately. Love everybody. 

Being Still

Exodus 14:14 (KJV) 'The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.'

Conflict is inevitable. When it comes, our inborn nature is to choose fight or flight. But as children of God, we are challenged to choose another alternative---stillness.

'What does being still have to do with conflict?' you ask. Well let me tell you how they are related in my mind and in my walk with Christ. Stillness has several implications, all of which are helpful.

Stillness is: a state of calm
The most common mistake people make when facing difficulty is to react impulsively and rashly. When you feel anger or panic washing over you like a tidal wave, run to God in prayer. Nothing brings calm like prayer, nor will anything restore your peace like the quietness of conversation with God.

Stillness is: a form of waiting
There is so much wisdom in waiting for some time to pass so you can gain a clearer and more objective perspective.

Google states that the definition of 'wait' is:
 (verb)

1.

stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens

--or--

2.

used to indicate that one is eagerly impatient to do something or for something to happen

So be still, wait.

Stillness is: faith in the peace that is coming
Those who trust in the Lord find their security in what they believe rather than in what they see. Learn to trust the Lord's counsel and provision, even when it looks as if things may not pan out the way you prefer them to.

___________________

When everything around you is in chaos, being still gives God a chance to do His best work.

___________________


When I think about where I struggle the most with waiting, sometimes I freak out. Sometimes, and always more beneficial each and every time I do, I pray. I do my best to completely give it over to God. Sometimes that means a simple prayer, and my full reliance on Him and His work in my life. Sometimes that means writing whatever is weighing me down and causing conflict, usually externally, and even sometimes the physical burning of the 'issue' that I wrote on paper, while giving it over to God. I am typically a girl-on-the-go. I like to go, go, go. Especially during the school year, my nights off are for siblings' sporting events, and family events. So that means, my nights off, aren't really nights off. But I like it! I like a packed calendar. But, being so busy, I forget to be still and listen and just be with God.

He has already proven that He can calm any storm, so whatever storm He is letting you be in right now, He is just showing you that you need Him, you need to depend on Him. He is saying, 'I am in control.' Psalms 107:28-29 (KJV) 'Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.'

I find it easiest to be still, when I am alone. Sometimes my 'still' time is at work, but that is quite frequently interrupted and seemingly less beneficial to me and my relationship with God. Find a quiet place, an empty room, maybe your backyard, or if you've seen War Room, and feel like you need something that separate and enclosed, your closet. Find a place where you don't have anything else to worry about. Where you can be you, and God can be God, and you can be one with each other, conversing and hanging out with Him. Being still and relaxing in the Lord gets easier each time I make time for it.

'The quieter you become, the more you can hear.' ~Ram Dass

 

Don't forget...

 Enjoy some of the not-so-random music videos I always post at the end of each blog! :)

 

Breathe ~ Jonny Diaz

Thy Will ~ Hillary Scott & the Scott Family

Yearn ~ Shane and Shane

 

Thanks for reading, and I pray something I wrote reaches someone who needs to hear it today. God bless y'all!

Steak for Breakfast

Me, a night shift nurse. There's good. There's bad. And yes, there's ugly. 

I started out my day yesterday waking up, showering, and running to the local grocery store for some salad for a dinner I had planned with one of my favorite families, their last night with their son before they send him off to college. The first thing I ate yesterday was steak. 

Momma probably would have been in awe if I woke up as a child or a teen and asked for steak for breakfast. That is a little abnormal. But the steak for breakfast yesterday? That was completely not off-the-wall at all for me. That is my new norm. No I don't eat steak for breakfast everyday, but the reason supper at 9pm was my 'breakfast' time is because working night shift has taken its hold on me, and rarely releases its grip. 

______________________

the Good: 

If you asked me a year and half ago if I enjoyed night shift, I would have said yes, absolutely, with no reserve. If you asked me yesterday, I would have said yes again. But the hesitation is becoming more evident, creeping up. My body and mind usually do okay sleeping in the day and staying awake all night. I am an energetic person. It is my norm. I love to laugh, and enjoy even more to make other people laugh, even if sometimes they are just laughing at my snaughling. 



Since being on night shift, I have had multiple of my elders and peers discouraging it,  pushing me to opt for a day shift position if I was given the choice. But back when I started on night shift, I was excited. Hey, differential, am I right? I enjoy the management-less building. I enjoy the drama-less co-workers I typically get to work with all night long. But. Over the past 12 months. My drive to be on night shift has certainly lessened. I still enjoy the differential, but it was never all about the money for me, and never will be. I still enjoy most of my co-workers, although sometimes some of my faves really let me down. But my heart doesn't seem to be in it anymore. 

the Bad:

I am emotionally exhausted. I go to work, do my best to please the patients while still maintaining the healthcare standards necessary and put in place to give them the best care to my ability and within my scope of practice, and get them healthy and home as soon as possible. But I go to work, and my patience is literally about as short as the fuse on a Bobcat (firecracker that is). It takes about 3 seconds of an unable-to-be-satisfied-patient's bad attitude to make me want to just go home immediately. Unfortunately in those moments, patients still need their nurses to get better and get home, so emergency emotional-breakdown-on-the-verge-Rachael moments, don't come with a quick solution at all hours of the night/morning. 

I used to go to work everyday, and think about how blessed I am that I am not the sick one in the bed. That I was privileged enough to be able to go to school, had worked hard enough to graduate, and now get to go to work every single day to help make people's lives better. Yes, even the 6 year old who I have to put an IV in, yes even that child, I get to do what I can to make that kid's life better. Here lately, I still find myself blessed that I am well, and able to care for those that aren't. But each shift feels more like a routine, like a cycle, like I am a hamster stuck in this wheel called life. The only relief from what has seemingly become an episode of my life stuck on constant repeat, is sleep. 

the Ugly:

I am mentally exhausted. I bring it home. I take it to my best friend's house. I take it to my Mom's. I have to hide it in church, where I should feel most free to be most transparent, I hide it best. I am tired at weird times all the time. It makes me moody sometimes. I am very impatient with people. I am easily annoyed with pointless (in my opinion) stories and wasted time. Sleeping all day, even on my nights off, because I have no motivation, I have few friends here, and we typically live on opposite schedules. I would not consider myself a clinically depressed person, I still find joy in simple things, and I can still sport a smile like a champ, but I guarantee I smile a significant amount less than a year ago. I notice it, I notice the increased negativity, and am unable to find the means to change it.  And I strongly believe working nights can assume part of that blame. As well as the devil himself.



I am spiritually exhausted. My faith in God has not faltered, not one bit. But, I don't strive to feed it. I don't just sit down and read my Bible anymore. I used to always make a point of it, even if it meant reading on my break at work, I would always find time to sit and at least read a chapter or two. It was important, very important to me. Seems I got comfortable where my relationship with Christ was, and I pushed it aside, I don't make it a priority anymore. I used to be able to attend Thursday night Bible study with the ladies as well as Wednesday morning coffee. But even those are few and far between anymore. But simply put, I don't spend as much time hanging out with God as I used to. And that is wearing on me. That is the ugliest part of me right now. 

______________________

If you're reading this. Maybe you are finding yourself in a similar struggle or slump. Welcome. You are so incredibly not alone. In fact, before reading this blog, before realizing there is someone else out there with some of the similar struggles, God was there. He is always there. I never forget that, not anymore. But sometimes I feel Him closer than other times. Not because He moves away from me, but because I find myself drifting away from Him. 



Instead of worrying about whether I am on day shift or night shift, pray for my walk with God. Instead of asking me why I am still single, pray for my Mr. Forever. Instead of wondering if I am getting more (enough) sleep, pray that I am getting more God-time, and in correlation acquiring more patience at work, at home, and just in my all-around life. Starting with my poor roommate that never gets to see me, but when she is unfortunate enough to have a run-in with me, it is usually not the most pleasant experience from her end I am sure. Sorry Becca. 

As I continue trying to find myself in this crazy world, I pray I continue my endeavor to find more and more of God. I pray that my family, co-workers, friends, and acquaintances will accept my sincere apology for my recent setbacks in my faith, attitude, and all-around peace.

Lastly, get yourself to church. Fellowship with my believing peers keeps me sane. Do yourself a favor, and get to church. It is free, family-friendly, and necessary. 

"For where 2 or 3 are gathered together in My name, there I am in the midst of them." 
-Matthew 18:20 KJV

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." 
-Colossians 3:16 

Now, enjoy some of the not-so-random video links I post at the end of each blog. #sofittingrightnow

Stand ~ Britt Nicole 

Hurricane ~ Natalie Grant  

My Deliverer ~ Mandisa

Thank you for reading! May God bless you in every way today and throughout your life. 

Dear China, Thanks for Stealing my Pastor

'Stealing.' Maybe that was a bit harsh. But just let the record show that that is an honest reflection of my attitude when I first heard about their future endeavors to that far away place, initially of course.

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July 10th, 2016 was the last Sunday that our previous Senior pastor and his wife attended our church prior to leaving for China.

When this adventure was still in the works, when I was first made aware of it being quite a possibility, God willing, I had quite mixed feelings. Here is why.

1) I am selfish.

2) I was in awe.

3) Still in awe.

4) I was so incredibly excited for them and their future plans, this big, crazy, exciting step, that I couldn't even possibly think of anything more perfect for their next step in their lives together. (And obviously God agrees, as all has worked out so well thus far!) 

5) But still, I was selfish.


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Let's start at the beginning though, the first day I heard about 

this exciting new adventure in their life:

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March 13th, 2016
I remember that Sunday as if it were yesterday! Sunday school finished, and Marcia and Sarah were having a conversation about someone working for her in the nursery. I followed Sarah back there and told her after I ran the powerpoint for worship, I would be right down and replace her. She said something to the effect of, 'no, that's okay.' But of course I did it anyway! I love kids y'all, and would do it every single Sunday. 

As Pastor Steve began to close his sermon, I notice that Sarah gets real quiet, stands up close to the speaker to hear better, and then I overhear, "I am resigning as senior pastor...." I tell her, "Get out. Go out there." She is already in tears and I am about to be.  I couldn't make myself believe it to be true. My friend, wife, and their daughters were going to be moving at the end of the month. And now this news is thrown at me?? (see, selfish.) And by me, I mean, our church body, as a whole. No one was singled out. I am 99% sure I cried about it the very moment I learned about it. I was in the nursery, snuggling with some precious girls when what I thought to be a weird dream registered and started to return to reality. As that occurred, I just hugged those girls closer.

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I cried about it again when Pastor Steve spoke about it a couple Sundays before his last here as senior pastor. 
I teared up, every time someone at work or the grocery store asked me about it.
And again on July 10th, their last Sunday.
Ooops, yup. Yet again at their going away party. (Also July 10th).

Okay, you get it. I am an emotional wreck and a big cry baby.

I didn't cry because they were going to China. I didn't even cry because they were leaving. 
I cried because they wouldn't be here anymore. (There is a difference, I promise, but again, selfish reasons.) I cried thinking of the empty spot in the sanctuary, wondering who God would send our way. Knowing that no matter who was sent our way, that was who was supposed to be here, but still knowing they had some big shoes to fill. (No offense Pastor Steve.) Let's just say, the bar of expectation has been set pretttttty high.

But, on the reals. I am so excited for them. I know God has had His hand in all of the events leading up to this decision, and will continue to guide them on this exciting new adventure halfway across the world! I wrote a letter, to both of them (and then a short one to their whole family), things that I wanted to, and need to say to you, but you're gone now. So you get to be victims of one of my open letters, sorry not sorry.

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First, a message to Pastor Steve: 

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Pastor Steve,

You have been nothing but light in my life here in Ulysses. From the times I came to church with Susanna and Jonathan before I actually moved down here, until you left; you never made me feel anything less than welcome. You know how to make a person smile. I rarely saw you without one, and that alone helps raise spirits and form smiles in others around you, but on top of that you are a genuinely kind and God-serving man.

On numerous occasions you complimented me. About anything, my singing, my smile, my attitude, whatever it was that day, you found something. And, like you, I always sort of brushed it off. I am definitely never going to win an award for 'greatest at accepting compliments.' On your last Sunday, as I was hugging you for the 30th time at your going away party, you again told me in my ear, 'You are so awesome.' You know some of (what I consider to be) my darkest 'secrets.' Being a pastor kind of opens a door to a lot of people's darkest times in their lives. And you knew mine, at least the gist of it/them. And yet, you never once seemed to be 'judgy', or disproving. You always, always, always greeted me with open arms and a smile. And simply loved. You always show love wherever you go.



I also genuinely appreciate the many Sunday mornings when I would come early for prayer with you and our equally dedicated Pastor Bob. Every single Sunday you prayed for marriages, for keeping the marriage bed holy, etc. And almost every single Sunday, you also prayed for the singles in our church. (Me!) You prayed that God would bring a partner alongside, or if we were 'called to be single' that we would live for Him either way. You don't know this, but every single time you prayed for us 'singles' I wept. Every time. I struggle so much with trying to let go of past mistakes and lingering regrets, as well as find a happy medium between where and when to put myself out there and when to hold back a little, like maybe if I put a little more effort into it, I can rush God's revealing of the spouse He has planned for me. I struggle daily, with the fact that here I am still single and 25. I tell everyone I am old, because some days it feels that way. I sometimes get stuck in the lull that consists of sleeping, working, eating, and repeat. 

Sundays, especially with you, your wife, and daughter, always made for a great break from the 'lull.' And though they now will not consist of seeing you all every Sunday, and even though I work at least half of the Sundays each month, I still see it as a day of refuge, recharging, regenerating joy, and a day to be reminded of all that Christ did for me. 

Everything about you, even the Moses hair (LOL!) has been a great example of Jesus' love to me, this church, and our community. I say yes, even the 'Moses hair' because even with that, you have shown us that sometimes we do the things we do because of the love we have for those that love us. And if you can glorify God, by loving your wife and the fact that she loves your beard, then so be it, that is just perfect. Having attended the 'send-off' party for y'all, seeing how many other churches' pastors attended, and other people in the community, really opened my eyes even more to the oneness that you have liked about this community and it's churches.



Initially, when I heard y'all were leaving...it was seriously like, uh, the end of the world. At least my Ulysses world, as I knew it. I will miss your great attitude, and your incredibly vast knowledge of God's Word. I am beyond excited though, for your travels and experiences to and in China. As the days are crossed off the calendar, I can imagine you are more and more excited! You are awesome!

Praying for you always.

You are deeply missed already,
Rachael Ann

P.S. I apologize for calling it a 'man bun.'


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Now, for a message to his better half and perfect compliment:

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Dear sweet sweet Marcia,

In my mind, always the pastor's wife. But also, always the sister with whom I enjoyed several morning prayer coffees with. The sister who was not afraid to pipe up in Sunday school, about whatever topic we were addressing and learning about at the time. The sister who was always smiling. You are never afraid to be honest though. Sometimes while hugging you, I would ask how you were doing. Sometimes I got, 'great!' 'good!' etc. Sometimes you replied with, 'okay.' And that, though saddened my heart for you in that moment, gave me hope always. You are such a happy woman, with a joyous spirit, but even the happiest of people have 'okay' days too.

You have brought me so much joy, on numerous occasions. Your quirky sense of humor, brings nothing but smiles to anyone around experiencing it first hand. It is a perfect mix with the more serious, though less seen side of Marcia. But I love both sides. So keep em both around for sure. Your joy and loving manner are my favorite of all of your amazing qualities.

I did not get to spend as much time outside of Sunday mornings with you and your family as I would have liked to (thanks adulthood), but the times I did were always such a blessing. The numerous trips to Downtown, (which is closed now, super sad.) the times you guys would have us over for lunch, or cards, or whatever. Sunday night Bible studies, and the time I stopped by AWANA. But my most favorite memories, are from morning prayer coffee with you gals. And I am so sad that I was unable to attend the last several before y'all left. I loved hearing about how Steve did the laundry, or dishes, or made you breakfast, or coffee, and on the cold mornings, started your car for you. I loved hearing you talk about your spouse, and see your love for him shine in your eyes. 

I also remember before I really got to know you, camping at Meade Lake with you, Sarah, and Steve ( or as you sometimes refer to him as: Swannie). That was the first non-church event that I had ever attended with y'all. I remember walking over to the restrooms with these near strangers, and feeling just as welcome as if we were truly sisters. Thank you for that. That is one of the first, and one of my favorite memories with you! 

I have heard that being a Pastor's wife has it's challenges. No one can deny that. You maintain the part well. You are an amazing wife to Pastor Steve. You both compliment each other so insanely well. I could not imagine a better-matched couple. God knew what He was doing when He brought your two lives into intersection. It will be hard to picture life here at FBC without you. You have a way of bringing a smile to literally every face in the building. Life will be a little weirder without you than with you. But for as well as you played the part of 'pastor's wife', I am excited for you to delve into being God's daughter, Steve's wife, Caleb and Sarah's mom, and all your other titles, with some needed relief from your role as 'Pastor's Wife.' Though you never complained, and showed no sign of the burden, I know it was there. You are a smart woman, and being a student will continue to look just as good on you now as it did when you were 'the pastor's wife.'

If I can ever get a Tuesday night off, and am able to return to Wednesday morning prayer coffee with our sisters in Christ, I know it will be a different experience without you. Not better, not worse, just different. Your uplifting spirit will be missed! I have seen your contagious joy affect many people around me, always positively. I am excited for you to be able to share it with many others as you travel to China, and especially after you arrive. Can't wait to hear the stories of new friends, crazy adventures, and touched hearts. 

Praying for you always.

Love you so, and miss you already,
Rachael Ann

P.S. You are a rockstar Marcia!

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Like I said, I am selfish. Sometimes when hugging and visiting with Pastor Steve and Marcia each Sunday, I had to force some excitement for their plans out. Not always was it genuine. My second favorite family in Ulysses was going to pack up their life and move elsewhere. I have survived. It has only been a couple weeks. I have only been in church one Sunday since they started their adventure around the US to see family and friends before going to China. (I have only been once because I was on vacay in Michigan, [which I will blog about soon!] not because of a ripple effect of their leaving, causing me also to leave.) That one Sunday was just two days ago in fact, and it went well. We were also missing our worship leader, so as one could imagine, getting sound figured out (when the 2 people that ran it in the past were missing) was an adventure. One that we conquered like champs, might I add!

Anyway. Though life without Steve and Marcia is going to be different, and sometimes we get stuck in a comfortable rut and never want change, I am equally excited for what this change will bring the church, and what this change in their lives will bring for them. Ruts ain't good for anybody.

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So to Pastor Steve and his delightful and loving family,

I miss you. I don't hate China. I am so glad Gad has worked out everything thus far with your pre-adventuring. I love you all so much. Thank you for your impact while you were here, and for the impact you will continue to make, even though we will be continents and states apart. 

Could not thank you all enough for your impact in my life with 100 blog posts, but thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Praying for you always!

Forever missing the Spam Fam, and the Spam Fam van as well,
Rachael Ann

P.S. Where does that van reside now anyway?

   

'Tell me, what is it you plan to do with 

your one wild and precious life?' 

-poet Mary Oliver 


Don't forget to check out these not-so-random music video links I include with each blog post! 

I Will Follow ~ Chris Tomlin             10,000 Reasons ~ Matt Redman

Overwhelmed ~ Big Daddy Weave 

Forgiveness Day 2016

 

Yup, apparently this day exists as a national day. Forgiveness. It's not a touchy subject per se, but sometimes a very challenging one. 

I have blogged about forgiveness a couple times before. It is something I am passionate about dishing out, because far too many times I have been the one seeking it, needing it. 

Everyone on the earth sins. Point blank, we are all sinners. Everyone wrongs someone every now and again. Sometimes intentionally, with complete congnizance of doing so, sometimes completely unintentionally, and quite often somewhere between the 2 extremes.

I can only imagine how much God's heart hurts when His own children are the ones hurting others. 

The greatest example of forgiveness comes to us in John 19. With Jesus willingly giving His life on the cross for wretched people such as myself. So undeserving. Nothing shouts pure and honest forgiveness like letting someone nail your hands to a cross after lugging your own death tree up a hill, letting them smash a crown of thorns onto your head, and letting them whip you until blood is drawn and dripping from all over your torso, arms, and legs.

All the while, knowing You and Your Father above have every right and possess the omnipotence to get Yourself off that cross, to stop it all before it even began. Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46b

God the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. The Trinity. Three-in-one. But for a moment, God had to turn His face. Imagine the torment it caused Him to see His only Son suffering such pain, and for such undeserving people.

He didn't die on that cross just for me, but He did die on that cross FOR me. He endured unthinkable, unimaginable, excrutuating pain, for me? For this undeserving and disobedient sinner? But, why? 

Some things in life make total and completely clear sense. Attending school, graduating and attending college. Moving out of our parent's homes to blossom on our own. Finding, courting, and marrying your true love. Birthing beautiful children and raising them to love and worship our Lord. But then there are hiccups, if you will, in the road of our life, such as burying a child, losing a parent at a young age, and I liken the confusion of those kinds of events in life to trying to understand God's willingness to offer forgiveness to the likes of us.

It comes as hard to believe, especially for the 'unbeliever,' that a man can die and rise again. Even having been a believer for most of my life, sometimes it still blows my mind. And maybe it isn't event the fact that He died and rose again, on His own will and power, though being a nurse I know that only God could have made that possible. But maybe, it is the fact of His death; the suffering and agony that He endured, all for us. For us, such filthy, sinful, and undeserving creatures that we have become since Eve ate of the forbidden fruit in the garden. Maybe that is what is most awe inspiring to me.

That love. That forgiveness.

'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16  A widely known and quite possibly one of the most popular verses in the Bible. He SO loved the world that He created, though it had turned into such an evil place full of sinners like me, He loved the lowest of us, SO much, that He sent His Son to suffer and die on a cross, to forgive us of our sins. Sent His Beloved, to pay for sins that we committed. Not Jesus paying for His own sins, for He was perfect, spotless, sinless. Yet He suffered a torturous death, FOR US.

'For by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9 No matter what you have done, or not done (sins), in this life, no matter how much money you give to your church, no matter how many children you adopt, how many highways you clean up, how many lives you have impacted for Christ, no. No matter what, you don't deserve the forgiveness God offers, but that is what makes it so overwhelmingly awesome, and thus should make us all the more thankful for receiving it without even having to earn it. So dish it out, even when it seems the offender doesn't 'deserve' it, because neither do we. God commands us to forgive in Matthew 18:21-22, where Peter is asking how many times he should forgive his brother for sinning against him, and Jesus replies, not just 7 times, but 7x70 times. Over and over again we should be forgiving those that sin against us.

 

So take what you have done into consideration in your daily life. If you were to add up all your sins, does the cluster even compare to the wrong that has been done unto you? If Jesus was willing to love you enough to die on a cross for your cluster of sins, does forgiving the wrongdoer seem so hard now? Forgiving is loving. Show Christ's love in every way possible everyday. We are not here to hold grudges, but to love and show Christ to those that don't believe. So forgive others, believers and unbelievers alike, we all need to see and feel Christ's love through the actions and words of Christians around us.

'Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.' Ephesians 4:32

7x70 Times ~ Chris August                       Waterfall ~ Chris Tomlin

Mended ~ Matthew West

Birthday Blessings

Today marks the 25th year of my existence on this earth. 

 

Many things have happened in the past year, some good, some great, some horrible, awful, heart-wrenching, and faith testing. Some things I could control, both good and bad, and some were out of my hands.

 

I watched many people suffer in the hospital, cared for some elderly until they gave their last breath.

I was able to give my time as a member of a Nurse's Honor Guard for a funeral of a dearly loved patient, which was beyond an honor.

<--- (Fun pic to tickle your funny bone!)

I went on a couple dates with a couple men in our area, and then they quit talking to me. It amazes me! Everyone all around me tells me I am just perfect wife material, girlfriend material, yada yada yada. Let's just say, this chica is not convinced!

I held a dead baby in my arms, a beautiful baby that didn't respond to our code blue procedures. A baby that God knew He needed in heaven before we here on earth were ready to let the baby go. After which I was numb. I walked out of the ER, back upstairs, just couldn't talk, couldn't cry, couldn't hardly convince my lungs to keep breathing, (praise God that that is my parasympathetic nervous system's job to control). I finished with report to the next shift, woke my sister, walked outside, and immediately texted my best friend. I drove to Johnson, numb. Somehow was able to give my sister a glimpse of the horror I had just experienced. Not for sympathy, but so she would know why I was acting the way I was. Why talkative, joyful Rachael wasn't saying a word or smiling. 

And it gets worse. I thought that was a bad day, but no. An even worse day happened that month, I broke a friend's heart. I seriously hurt someone that I love. Nothing feels worse than that. Even holding a lifeless baby in my arms doesn't come close to the pain I have felt since that day, just knowing the pain I caused her. 

Then we had a big scare with my Dad...it scared me, but again, for some reason when it comes to my own family members and loved ones being sick or hurt, it tends to not worry me as much. Maybe it is because I know God is on our side. I don't know. I remember the same feeling when my boss told me back in 2008, that the ambulance was at my house, tending to my little brother who wrecked his bike. I remember thinking oh my goodness, and then just as quickly, "it's just a bike wreck,' he'll be fine, I just knew everything would be okay. Apparently that time wasn't lesson enough, because when I was told the news this time, (again, at work!!!) it had pretty much the same effect. I was worried instantly, but then calmed, and prayed, and knew everything would be okay. 

 

Today started out at work (just about midnight) with writing a letter to an Officer's family whose EOW was 5/22/16. Then I watched some hilarious videos with a co-worker. Then getting a happy birthday from a sweet patient that is stuck in the hospital while I get to leave for the day. I left work early to give my brother (whom I haven't seen since he moved into my house about a week ago) a ride to his truck. He works all day and I work all night. I came home to an empty sink, because my sister-roomie washed all the dishes as I left for work last night. I came home to a clean house, because my best friend picked up and vacuumed before she and my favorite nephews ended their stay here and took off for Winona. I came home to a cool house and a stocked pantry, because God has blessed me with these things. I baked a cake, made some brownies, then hit the hay, hard!

I didn't realize how exhausted I truly was until my head hit the pillow, then it was just zZzZzzZzz's from then until 4:30pm. I got up at 4:35pm, rolled out of my comfy bed, hopped in the shower (almost literally), and got dressed for work. Did the dishes from the morning, a load of laundry, sat around a little, then threw all the goodies in my car for work and hopped in the car headed to the ice cream shop.

By the way, if you are ever in the Armpit of America, KS, you should check that place out. (---> Here's their address and hours!) Until a couple nights ago I had only had their Mexican ice cream, which is absolutely delightful. Then the other day the mother of the man who owns the shop brought some delish frozen treats on a stick, that I cannot pronounce or spell (paleta con fresa possibly), and that, that was ah-mazing. Anywho, you should check it out!  

 

 

I slept, all day. (8 hours y'all!) Woke to many texts, snaps (you can see one of my favorite snaps of the day above), Facebook msgs & posts, and a couple missed phone calls.

 

I was called many names today. Rachael was one of them, odd I know.

 

Also:

 

Awesome, Kid, Rachy, Beautiful, Crrrazy, Dear, Loving 'Auntie', 'other' Daughter, Friend, Woman, Joyful Girl, Fun, Love, Ray of Sunshine, Rachael!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (+ or - a few !!!!!s), Rach, Missy, Dear Friend, Fabulous, Rayray, Weird, Odd, Energetic, Ball of Fun, Caring, 'Amazzz balls' person, & Ray-ray... to name a few. 

 

I woke realizing how many people that matter in my life actually might reciprocate my feelings for them. 

 

 

I woke wishing my little brother was here to celebrate with me, but knowing he is in a much better place, too consumed by God's awesomeness to peek down at this girl on her birthday or even pass a thought my way. And yes, for a moment, I forced all cares for what God has planned for me here on earth for the short time I get to be here aside, and allowed myself to be straight-up jealous of Simon. Jealous of his being in heaven, safe from this cruel, hateful, wicked world, but at the same time overly joyed that he is.

Then I remembered that I woke up. Had I not, I would be in a much better place right now, the best place ever, for the most bomb birthday party ever, but I woke up today. 

I woke up. 

I woke up today, because God is not done with me yet. 

I woke up today, because there are things in God's agenda that He wants me to help complete. 

I woke up today, because my patients need me. I woke up today, because I need my patients. 

I woke up today, so that my co-worker's could do their best to get their 25 spankings in before midnight. (I doubt they quit when my birthday is actually over...I can safely assume this will go all night, they haven't got very far yet.)

I woke up today so that others can know I have seen and felt the love they have shown me.

 

I woke up today to serve others.

I woke up today because God allowed me to wake up today.

 

I woke up today to serve Him.

 

 

I woke up, got ready for work. Grabbed some deliciousness from the Mexican ice cream shop on the way, along with some weird combo of chips, cabbage, cheese and hot sauce that a coworker ordered. Me being superwoman denied needing help to my car with the goods. Then I get to work, swipe my key fob-thingy-majigger, and boom. Dropped the weird combo of papas that was ordered...all over outside the door. Super. Fail. I just yell, then laugh, kick the mess off the sidewalk, then meander in to work. I then sit down for report and spill a co-worker's water all over the table. Fast forward 2 hours, and I sit down for my birthday supper celebration-meal at work, and somehow fling rice all over the table and a coworker. Let's just say, this day hasn't actually been 'my' day.

 

But that's okay, because it's the Lord's day anyway.

 

For my birthday celebration-meal a co-worker brought chicken quesadillas from Alejandro's restaurant here in town, can you say Mom-delish!? Nommmmmmmmnom. Another brought some great homemade rice. And sugar cookies from yet another co-worker. (Pictured with me at the beginning of this post!) Then yet another co-worker came up to work on her night off and blessed me with some delicious, hilarious, perfect gifts. (See pic below!) What a blessed little lady I am!  

 

As I entered my 25th year, I thought back to the past year of my life. I started with seeing, knowing, and acknowledging how very blessed I truly am. I celebrated the birth of my 4th nephew and the birth of my best friend's daughter. I celebrated birthdays of my other 3 nephews, as well as my 3 nieces. Celebrated the birthday of each of my 7 siblings and my parents. I was able to make the trip to New York to see very loved and very missed family and friends, memories I will treasure the rest of my sweet time here on earth. I was able to purchase my first home (so much adulting going on over here) <---(this computer thinks adulting is not a word and keeps changing it to adulating... I am just over here like, 'You don't know my life Windows!!'). I have made new friends. I have been able to keep in touch with old ones.

 

 

I just want to say thank you to all who have impacted my life this past year, whether positively (mostly) or negatively. I have learned something from all of you. Thank you to those who choose to put up with me (friends) and I apologize now to those of you that have to put up with me (family and co-workers). You all mean the world to me. I appreciate your many wishes on this quarter-of-a-century birthday of mine. :) 

As my day comes to a close, I simply remember this: 

 

1) I am loved.

 

 

2) I got 99 problems, but knowing where I am headed after I die ain't one of 'em.

 

 

3) He's got the whole world in His hands.

 

 

'Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me ---practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.' ~Ephesians 4:4-9

 

 

Don't forget to check out the not-so-random Youtube videos I always post at the end of my blogs! I love music y'all!

 

Through All of It ~ Colton Dixon

Trust in You ~ Lauren Daigle

Great is Our God ~ Plumb
Who Am I ~ Casting Crowns

 

Thanks for reading, and God bless you!