I have a regret, the tallest of all. One I will never forget, one that will never be surpassed. The greatest of my life, and one that has surely lingered. I have blogged before about being content and having given it all to God, but the truth is, whether it be my fault or Satan's, this one thing has never left my mind. There is nothing I can imagine ever doing that could top this sin, but then again that is what I would have said about the last thing I had regret most before this. That's also what I would have said if anyone would have ever said they could imagine me doing what I have done.
Torment, rage, tears, shame.
That pretty much sums up the last 5 months of my existence. I blame no one but myself, but this is the truth.
This post shall remain vague, to protect those that I hurt, but know that I will forever be ashamed of what I have done, and will forever be sorry for the relationships I took advantage of and thus ruined, causing them to end abruptly.
In the past I have always said that I live with no regrets. I know that things I go through in life can be lived and forgotten, in fact that is most of my childhood, I have little to no memory of most of it. I do not know why my memory of those times is faded to almost obsolete, but it has. That comes as quite upsetting to my father, whilst reminiscing together, that I can never remember the cute little stories he tells me. Some days I am so sure that when he tells me a cute story, it will strike up a memory in my little brain, but not so much. Call it some early and quite serious Alzheimer's if you will. It is legitimate, and I consider it a real hindrance sometimes.
But now, I cannot seem to forget! It is not that I don't want to, though this is unusual for me, I never have wanted to forget much about life, I want to retain and remember it, I am tired of having no recall of moments, 'important' or not. But I mean, even the tiniest of tiny details, never leave my mind. The first time I felt offended by people saying things may be getting messy, and I need to be careful. The first time my father warned me not to get too close, because it would only end in hurt. The moment I read a letter from my momma, after all was said and done, and those that knew anything about any of these details in my life, knew this sin was not being partaken of anymore. I remember the rage I felt, and how mad I was that I was being stuck at work having to deal with the emotions rolling through me, 4am, unable to call my mom and ask why, unable to call or text my sister or best friend to vent. I remember the pent up anger. Now thinking back, I do not feel sorry for myself, in fact in that moment, I didn't even feel sorry for myself, just anger. But now, I am sure I have caught a minute glimpse of what I inflicted upon the people I love who suffered due to the sin I was in.
I know that as I read my Bible more, as I pray more, as I hang around and absorb the wisdom of those who have been Christians longer than I, such as those peers I admire most in church, I know that this will someday too be moved to the 'not regrets' pile in my memory bank.
Someday this will be easier to talk about, someday this will be easier to share, in hopes of helping someone else through what I have put myself and some close friends through. I know this will take a long time, and in fact, for me, may take longer than your average Christian woman, but I know, I just know, He has a plan for me. Sometimes it takes some self-convincing.
Sometimes I doubt myself, my faith in God. I don't doubt His ability to help me in the ways He best sees fit, I just doubt myself. I doubt my ability to ever talk about this situation with a smile, I doubt my ability to ever forgive myself. I doubt a lot of things, and in doing so I know I am doubting God, but I also know that growth must happen in order to overcome these doubts. Spiritual and emotional growth, and both must be worked at to attain, and both impossible without His hand in my life.
I believe that there is a lesson for every hard time we face in life, and I have learned not only one, but numerous, beginning with this:
Healing comes with the rain just as much as the sunshine, be patient and trust God.
If you find yourself failing, maybe miserably so, and maybe in repetition, you are not alone. I am right there with you, and have been for quite some time. You know the struggle is real, as do I, but let's not continue to resist God's helping hand in this, let us pray and seriously seek His guidance and helping hand in our healing and restoration. I read a quote today that said, (paraphrasing) {Don't pray a 10 cent prayer and expect a million dollar answer, you have to work at it.} How? Pray harder, pray more frequent, pray honestly, pray willfully, pray to a knowing God, pour out your heart, empty all of it's contents for Him to examine and reassemble as He wishes in His time.
Don't pray wistfully, pray diligently.
'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' 1 John 1:9 (NKJV)
'Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)
"I am a mess I am a wrecking ball,
I must admit that I still don't get it all."
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