Forgiveness

There are some things none of us can completely control; one of them is protecting our hearts every single moment of every day. We can try with all our might, all day and all night, but we can't control the way other people make us feel.  

I attended a concert the other night (a wonderful concert might I add.) It featured I Am They, Hawk Nelson, and Tenth Avenue North. (All bands I would recommend Youtube-ing if you have a couple minutes, as they have some great songs.) As the concert was winding down, Tenth Avenue North was on the stage, and their lead singer, Mike (Mike Mike Mike), was speaking an intro to one of their songs, that happens to be one of my favorites of theirs, called 'Losing'. As I am listening to his words, and then the song lyrics, listening, really hearing them, I feel my emotions start rolling down my cheeks. And then later in the show, they sang their song titled 'By Your Side' which attained the same effect. Life hasn't been all cherry blossoms and sunshine this past year, but the heavy weight that sits on my shoulder, eating away at my mind every wake second of every day, well it lingered that night as well, it was constantly at the forefront of my mind. But, as I really heard the words, as I thought about all that I have been through, all that I put myself through in the last 12 months, I felt.

I felt sadness. I felt peace. I felt hope. I felt forgiveness.

I don't know what forgiveness means to you. I don't know what you have done to need forgiving, I don't know what other people have done to you that required forgiveness. I only know what I myself have done. And most likely, just like you I could write a list an encyclopedia long about what others have done to me that I have had to forgive. That list is much easier to write than the most likely equally lengthy list of those instances in which I was the one doing wrong by others.

No one lives life believing they are innocent at all times. But I do believe that most people, most of the time, are just doing the best they can. I believe that no one intends to hurt someone they love, but somehow they do. Maybe they hurt that person once unintentionally, maybe it happened again. Maybe 20 times. At some point, what may not have seemed intentional was now intentional, as it had become motivated. Motivated by whatever you were getting in return for continuing in said sin. Maybe you don't mean to hurt, maybe you don't want to hurt them at all, but you can't get past the sin you are caught up in, and the rewards being thrown at you by Satan as you continue to do what he wants you to, what he has convinced you that you want to do.

Whether that person I wronged has forgiven me or not, that is not important, not for my sake. What is important, is have I forgiven myself? I am so quick to point out every single moment that I am wronged by someone else, moments that I need apologies for, but yet turned a blind eye to the moments where I myself was the one in the wrong. And then, when the reality of the wrongness was thrown in my face, I became a mess. I couldn't bring myself to let forgiveness wash over me, because I couldn't forgive myself.


Back to the concert. God made it known to me, in that moment, that no matter what I had told myself, no matter what that person that I had wronged had told me, no matter how many times I had apologized to that person, He had forgiven me, and I had yet to forgive myself, to totally forgive. I will never forget, but that doesn't mean that I have to live day by day continuously beating myself down every time I got up out of bed. It was a vicious cycle, and the only reason my heart and mind even attained rest, was because I slept, and even then, only because I don't dream. For weeks I reminded myself of what I had done. Then at some point, it no longer mattered what I had done, but rather the hurt I had impeded on people that I loved. 

The burden never lightened, just when I thought it might, the seemingly impossible would happen: some bitterness would gather, making the burden I bore heavier. I increasingly felt the need for forgiveness, but that whole time I felt that I needed it from the person(s) I wronged. I felt I needed that person to confront me, to tell me I was forgiven.

I just knew that if those words were spoken to me, no matter the circumstances that came along with the forgiveness, everything would be better. I just knew my biggest problem in life at the moment would have suddenly been solved.

In church we speak a lot of how Christians are to forgive, as Christ does. It is spoke of as a moral obligation, like the only natural, reasonable, and "Christian" response to being hurt. So when I don't feel like forgiving, does that make me not a Christian, no. It definitely is not the Christian thing to do, to maintain the pent-up resent, when instead we need to dissolve the grudge(s) we have against each other. We, as Christians speak of forgiveness as something that happens and we move on. This doesn't necessarily mean to go on in life, having forgotten what others have done, but rather to chalk each moment of hurt up to life's lessons, as we show grace upon that person, forgive, and go on in life. We talk about forgiveness, like it is an event, just a moment in life, but it's just not. One thing that has helped me through the day today, is to say "I'm forgiving you," rather than, "I forgive you." Because forgiveness is something I have to give myself over and over again, and with repetition, I hope it will become a habit, and I hope it will get easier over time. Because being able to forgive myself habitually, will make forgiving others easier.

While I was standing there, indulging in the lyrics of the worship songs I had heard and sung numerous times, I felt. Like a raging river the tears and regret flowed, the grace and love I am not sure I deserve rushed over me, and at the same time I felt forgiveness come rushing in. It did not make what I had done okay, but it made me mollified.

I was able, in that moment, to forgive myself.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, but it also doesn't mean brutally battling myself over what I had done in the past. Not overlooking what you have done, but rather learning from your mistake is crucial, especially when it is yourself you need to forgive. 'Forgive and forget' is easier said than done, because not only is it impossible, but forgetting could potentially be dangerous for ourselves. Sometimes the most forgiving thing we can do, for ourselves and the person who has hurt us, is to say, 'thank you for what you have taught me about myself and about life. I'm moving on.' I don't think that true forgiveness happens without justice, honesty, boundaries, space, distance, and time also occurring. And while you ensure that all of these happen concurrently, also ensure that you don't make yourself feel guilty about it. It is not a rejection of the other person, but rather a thorough acceptance of yourself. 

True forgiveness takes place when we look honestly at the ways in which we have been hurt, hand our anger over to Jesus, and let it rest with Him.

If you take only one thing from this post, make it this:

Learn to forgive yourself; until you attain self forgiveness, you will never be able to fully forgive others, as Christ has called us to do.

Philippians 4:7  'The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.'

Ephesians 4:32  'Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.'

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North            Losing - Tenth Avenue North

It Is Well With My Soul - Audrey Assad

Being a Light in a Dark World

God uses the peculiar, the odd, and the broken...in other words, He uses us.

 ~Patsy Clairmont

 

 ~Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.~ Matthew 5:14

Imagine a warm, clear, calm night, driving down the highway towards home. From many miles away (in Kansas anyways, flat land for days) you can see the lights of your town, in fact you can see the lights of your town, the town beyond it, and the town beyond that! Now, imagine that each town is one Christian, and you are the 50 random people that may pass by you or a fellow Christian in a given day. The bigger your heart for God, and the more focused you are on living your life for Him, the brighter that light will be, the easier it will be for others to see God here on this earth.

Be the light that helps others see. -Unknown
Life is not always red roses and rainbows, sometimes life can make our light dim, but remember that this is satan's goal. God lets us go through these hardships, and fight these small battles in our lives to prepare us for the big fight. When we had a victory in basketball, we did not get to skip practice the next day, we continued to practice, continued to work hard, and continued to better ourselves. It is the same way with life, each battle is just a little practice to get us and God closer to each big victory, and that is winning hearts for God! All He wants is your heart, your neighbor's heart, that stranger's heart, your dad's heart, and your friends' hearts, He is a selfish God, He wants them all.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ~But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10) For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.~
I absolutely love this verse, and read it just a couple weeks back when I was having, what I thought at the time, a horrible week. I felt as though...I was losing something that held a spot in my heart, not a big spot, but an important one. Something that had become a huge blessing in my life, more and more since the day I stumbled upon it. To this day, I have not lost it, and yet I have. The distance has grown, and feels like trudging through cement to get back to where I was. But, on a positive note, I have read my Bible a lot more frequently, helps me focus on Him and not my life around me and the tiny little insignificant negatives that I sometimes can make a big deal out of.

The Lord has been working tenderly on my heart these past few weeks, helping me not make mountains out of these midget molehills. And through it all, I have been much more blessed than burdened. :) Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure remember to Whom you belong.

~Do not worry about tomorrow.~ Matthew 6:34
Stop focusing on how stressed you are and focus on how blessed you are. ~Unknown
This was a random quote I found whilst scrolling through my news feed on Facebook one day...let's just say it was God's perfect timing! Mmm. I love that Guy! Worry should not be a focus in our lives, and when we find that it is, we need to lift, throw, or shove them up to God in prayer.

Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God. -Unknown
God commands us to not judge, therefore judge we must not. He does not send the struggling and hopeless into our lives for us to mock and laugh at, NO, He sends the weak our way, so that we can help lift them up, help them stand on their feet, and walk closer to God. You may be the first Christian that has ever crossed that person's life and made the effort to tell them the story of Jesus and show them His kind of love. You may be the only light in that person's darkness, prepare yourself to be a bright one!

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on such things. Philippians 4:8
In high school I was very active in sports, and my high school volleyball and track coach was all about attitude, she could convince us that even if we were about to play the worst team in the league, they could beat us, and we could lose, with just a team full of bad attitudes. That your attitude could win or lose the race before you even started. Well it is just the same on the court/track as it is off. Life is really just a big battle for God. We should strive to be the victors. In order to succeed, we need to be thinking on good things, dwell on His Word to help us remember to be pure in heart and mind, so that people will see us as good examples of His ways.

You own the skies and still You want my heart. ~Hillsong United song entitled "Up in Arms"
I absolutely LOVE music. I mean, the list could go God, family, friends, music, breathing. yeah, I love it that much. Maybe it is not the music itself, so much as worshipping God through it. Christian music is always more than just a song for me, it is words that God has given someone in song, words that I can lift up over and over to Him. Words that draw me to my knees, in awe of Him, and all that He has blessed me with, all the He has helped me live through, causing me to weep in thanksgiving to Him.

I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify Him with thanksgiving. Psalm 69:30
What God is bringing you through at this very moment is going to be the testimony that will bring somebody else through. No mess, no message. -Unknown
There is darkness, everywhere. Satan is everywhere, trying to extinguish all of God's candles. Don't let the devil win. God gave His Son for you, for me, He deserves the extra effort in this battle. Can you imagine life without darkness? I can't, but when I envision the complete and utter absence of darkness, the only thing I can picture is Heaven, and being at Jesus' side, and you can't be anything but joyful once you have that image on the brain!

It's funny how someone who was just a stranger last year, can mean so much to you now. It's terrible that someone who meant so much to you last year can be a stranger now. It's amazing what a year can do. ~Unknown
Ecclesiastes 3:1,6 ~To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: (6) A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;~
God reminds us in Ecclesiastes that just as life itself is temporary, every little thing in life is temporary. We will not always have our best friend, our sister, our loving mother just a phone call or text away, no, this too shall come to pass. Upon acknowledging this truth, we can appreciate all that we have, while we have it, and learn to let go when it seems we don't, or when we lose it. The easiest way I have found to keep my head up through trials and loss is pray, pray, pray, and read His Word. If you need guidance on where to start in the Bible when you are having a tough time, flip to the back of your Bible and check out the index, and if that is deemed unsuccessful, I am sure you can just about google any and every situation you can imagine, and someone somewhere has thrown together a list of some verses for you!

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NIV) ~He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.~
It's so much easier to let God heal your broken heart than trying to do it on your own ability and strength. It's not your job. Jesus is the healer of the broken hearts. When life breaks your heart, know that He is right there to help you put it back together, and remember, it is impossible to put together a puzzle when some of the pieces are missing, you have to give it ALL to Him, so that your heart can be reassembled properly, by the One who wrote the initial blueprints.  

~You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.~ Isaiah 26:3
 Don't mistake God's patient for his absence. His timing is perfect and His presence is constant. He's always with you.
So what if sorrow shakes my faith, what if heartache still remains? I'll trust You, my God, I'll trust You. Because through the good, through the bad, and through the ugly, You are the only constant. You are the One that is always there for me, there with me. Trust in God, and trust in His timing, He and only He knows what is best for you, and when. He does not live to make your life hard, He wants joy in your life, He wants you to be a shining light for Him, He wants you to have peace and happiness. Rest assured He is always at work in your life, and let Him work in your heart.

Lord, help me weigh my words carefully in my heart before I let them escape my lips. ~Karen Ehman
I am human, therefore sometimes I speak before thinking. And, I don't always regret it, because I don't always speak mean things, unrighteous things, rude things. Regardless, when I do, I feel bad enough it covers up the good, clean, and nice things that I have said.

"I keep my eyes on the Lord, with Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken" Psalm 16:8
The devil will sit at my left hand, and try to tempt me into doing things and believing things that are wrong, and untrue, thinking he has the upper hand, and yes sometimes he does succeed, but I promise, with fervent prayer, and reading in His Word, the Lord has won MANY more battles than satan has. My goal in life is no longer help Rachael be a better person, help make Rachael's life easier. It is more structured now to increasing the number of souls for Christ on this earth, making other's lives better, help others in any way I can, make other people's day. Help others find the right path, be the small light that guides them into becoming a light themselves for Christ.

~You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle, Are they not in your book?~ Psalm 56:8
Every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand, You've never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm. -Casting Crowns song entitled Praise You in this Storm
Life has a way of hitting hard. It can be hard to walk by faith and not by sight when you are hurting. The comforting thing to know is that God is always there, and that He always loves us. He is there for us, even when our emotions are telling us the opposite. God will never leave or abandon us. And He always provides a way; He always has the next step. He can get you out of whatever you are in. He loves you.

Every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. -Unknown
As if the Bible is not encouraging enough, I always come across random quotes that seem to perfectly fit into my life also! Every millisecond of our lives in obedience is preparing for us something even better in Heaven. Every second of strife is working for us an eternal weight of glory. So focus on these truths, day by day. Preach His Word into your mind, you are NEW and you are cared for by the greatest Caregiver of ALL time. Let Him shine through you each and everyday in each and every way possible!

"Let your light shine, from the inside out it shows!" Listen to Britt Nicole's song entitled Gold here --->  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u_TcXJIbcA

Ron Piper has some dialogue near the end of a song by Shane & Shane, song entitled "Though You Slay Me" a fantastic song, and here are these great words by Ron, which I alluded to earlier in this blog. "Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity, and the glory there, but all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience, is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don't care if it was cancer, or criticism. I don't care if it was slander, or sickness. It wasn't meaningless. It's doing something! It's not meaningless, of course you can't see what it's doing! Don't look to what is seen. When your Mom dies, when your kid dies, when you've got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don't say, "that's meaningless!" It's not. It's working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart, but take these truths, and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind until your heart sings with CONFIDENCE that you are new and cared for."
Hear the entire song and dialogue here--> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY

Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. ~viralchange.com

 

~Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.~ Matthew 5:14