Tests in Life

'Deeper love...down to our very soul. It's there we have an anchor who will not let us go; the Lord who calmed the sea is the One who sees us through; He's given us...a deeper love.' ~Diane Machen

 

I remember the day I woke for my NCLEX (state board exam for nursing). I woke up, early of course, for some (probably useless) last minute cramming. I remember showing up early, my stomach in my throat, threatening to expel it's contents at any second. I remember emptying my pockets' contents and my phone into a locker. I remember scanning my fingerprint(s). Being led to a computer in a room of about 6 desktops. I remember quietly filling my lungs to max capacity and letting it out slowly. Then starting. I don't remember any of the questions, in fact I couldn't even tell you today, just a year and a half after taking it, what one of the frequent topics was. I remember answering the 75th question (50 minutes into the test) and then the test shutting off. At that moment, the inhale was much sharper, and I felt immediate hypertension onset. I knew with all my heart that I had just failed. I did not feel confident about most of the topics that happened to come through the mix. I remember sitting there for a minute in utter disbelief, already dreading another testing fee. I then gathered myself, exited the room, grabbed my things from the locker, did my best to smile at the desk lady (wasn't her fault I had just failed), and exited the building, only to be met by the gorgeous and sunny mid-June day that had been forming outside. The weather alone should have been enough to lift my spirits, the sun alone usually did the trick, but not that day.

I had learned of a suggested 'cheat' or quick way to know if you passed or not online, by trying to schedule another date, but it wasn't a proven hack. If it let you schedule another test, you failed. If it didn't you presumably passed. My blood pressure dipped a little after I was unable to do so. At which point, I took my stressed self into my room, threw on some sneakers, and went and hoofed a good 7 miles around Hays; all the while praying, hoping, wishing that I had passed that test, all the while having a huge gut feeling I hadn't. I didn't text anyone, I didn't call anyone, it was just God, my crazy emotions, and I. The last 2 were a bad match that day. I mean total hot mess status.

There are few moments where I had ever felt so nervous or anxious that I just knew if I did anything other than breathe, I was going to vomit. In fact, I can only think of two since that day. But each time, including that day, whatever was going to happen, was going to happen. But I am human, so worry is exactly what I did. I am not usually an anxious person, but that day my anxiety was probably at a committable level.

 

That's the thing, no matter what happens with each test we are faced with in life, we can only do so much, we can only control so much of the outcome. All we can do is the best to our ability, and trust in the Lord's will to be fulfilled and the outcome, no matter what, will be the best for us, because that is all God wants for His children. So no matter how hard it is, the more you trust God, the more you grow in your faith in Him, the more you jump in and read His Word, the easier relying on Him and all things working out will come to you.

If you're wondering, or missed it in my bio, I passed my boards that day. Lost a bunch of calories walking a bunch of miles while in my anxious mess, but the stomach contents remained contained, and I will never forget the overwhelming joy I felt when I saw my name on KSBN's website, as officially, Rachael Ann Smith, RN for the first time. I cried, I cried a lot of tears, loudly, into a pillow because there may or may not have been neighbors downstairs. And then, I cried some more, meanwhile kicking myself for not only doubting myself, but for having doubt in God, in trusting that no matter what I had or had not accomplished that day, that it would all work out for His good, for His glory.

So let us not forget:
 

'You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.' 1 John 4:4 (NIV)

 

Greater - MercyMe <---listen here

I chose this song, simply because, He is greater. He is greater than you and I, only He is in control of the outcome when it comes to our lives. Don't let the small battles get you caught up, that is just Satan choking you out of doing the Lord's work. You don't bound over 4 hurdles at a time in the 110m hurdle race, no, just one by one. Take each battle, one by one, and you will see the outcome, no matter if it is what you predicted/wanted or not, will be the right one. He is greater than any battle we may face. Pray, try your hardest in all you do, and believe He has your best interest at heart at all times.

A Open Letter to my 17-year-old Self

May 24, 2008-Your birthday is today. You will be 17, not a monumental year, but a year in which your life will be shaken and shattered and repaired. A year in which you will find hate from within you that you never knew existed, a year you will be angry, at God, at life, and at friends and family. This year you will question God over and over about a couple major events. But enough with the preview, let's lay it out for you.

Your birthday won't be a really special day, the usual cake and pictures. But you probably won't remember to thank your Mom for taking the time to make the cake, and everyone will probably be upset in the picture because our Dad sure finds the world's greatest times to pick on everyone's last nerve. But you will eat and enjoy the cake and family time none the less. You won't know at this time that this will be the last of your birthdays you will celebrate with your youngest brother. Your family is busy trying to prepare for Susanna and Jonathan's wedding.

May 31st, 2008-On this day, your second oldest sister will marry the love of her life Jonathan. You will be a bridesmaid, you will enjoy it! The reception in Annis' backyard will be beautiful and perfect. You will love the bridesmaid dress so much you're going to reuse it for your senior prom, and then again the following summer as the MOH for your best friend's wedding. You will come to find out that you love weddings, and you just cannot wait to have one of your own, and soon. Your time will come soon enough.

July 1st, 2008-On this day you will have the first part of the morning off from your local elevator where you are working for harvest, but they will call you in around lunch time. You will be reluctant to go, but know you want the money. You will talk to your youngest brother before leaving, tease him that you are going to steal his hat, and then tell him goodbye as you go to work. If you knew what would happen in the next 18 hours, you would have never left.

Later that evening your boss will come in and say there is an ambulance across the road from your house, and it looks like your little brother wrecked his bike. You, being naïve, and selfish, will be worried, but not enough to leave. Not enough to maybe get to say goodbye one last time to your brother. You think he just broke his leg or arm and will remain at the hospital in Oakley and you will be able to just drive over after work, so you stay. You make some phone calls, and probably were not beneficial to the elevator for the last few hours of work that night anyway, but you stay. You call your older sisters and let them know what you know. You call the house and find out that Mom rode in the ambulance, and that your older brother is driving to Oakley to meet them at the hospital. You get home from work, and by this time find out that they are flying Simon to Wichita. Now you are worried, now the regrets begin to pile up and the prayers start flowing. Dad gets home, and once we find out it is more serious than initially known, he decides he will drive to Wichita to be with Simon and Mom.

July 2nd, 2008-You have not slept yet, it is 3am. Your mom's best friend is here, you have been trying to be strong all night. You wish you would have asked Dad if you could go with him. You wish there was something, anything you could do right now. You then receive a phone call from your second oldest sister, who thought your older brother had called already with an update, but she then informs you that Simon has died, that you have lost the youngest love of your life. Your aunt will call and check up on you, and you will let her know the news. You have been numb, cold, and feel like you aren't even living in real life since the phone call. You don't know what to do. Before the sun rises, you cross the road and climb on top of the grain bin, and you watch the sun rise from up there, you take pictures of it, the first moments of the first day of the rest of your life without him. Knowing God is real and still present, but not knowing why He would take such a beautiful young joyful boy out of our lives. This day will mark the beginning of your struggle with anger. This day is also your best friend's birthday, and you will find solace in being at their house, they are your second family, and they are a slight distraction from reality. Today is your best friend's birthday, and today you lost your youngest brother. Today was supposed to be another normal day, and a joyous one at that, instead it has been turned upside down. Today is a day no one should have to live through. Today will forever rank as #1 worst day of your life.

Throughout the next couple days, you will be a part of the funeral planning, you will assist in picking out the perfect coffin, how morbid. How hard to look at coffins, such small coffins, different colors and designs. Songs for the funeral, and the people we wanted to speak, the pastor to head the service, the location, etc. This involved a lot of decisions that are hard for any family to make, for your 80 year old grandmother, and your 4 year old brother alike. No amount of warning before your loved one will die will make these decisions any easier. But you will keep your head up, and you will stay strong for your family.

July 7th, 2008-Today, today you see your brother, in his coffin. Today everything you have been wishing was just a bad dream becomes more than reality. Your family members from Michigan and New York are here, that has somewhat lightened the reality of the day. Today you will touch the dead cold body of your brother, and you will hug him, no matter what anyone thinks. Today you will grasp the cold lifeless hand of a 4 year old. Today you will cry more tears than you ever thought possible. Today you won't care what anyone says to you, you won't care that the school gym was more than packed, you won't care the amount of people that came to support your family in this horrible time of loss. You won't care how God has used this tragedy to touch so many lives, and hopefully turn them toward Him, as they watch your family be strong and make it through such a hard time. You won't care, because you are so angry. You will let the devil win this hand at this time, but don't worry, someday soon you will fight back. Your extended family will return to their homes, the summer will come to an end, and life will never be the same, but you try to return to life as you knew it.

August-September 2008-This month you will start your senior year of high school, and your oldest brother will start his first year of college in Colby. You will enjoy volleyball, you will enjoy your classmates, and the foreign exchange students that join your school system this year. You will walk through life as though nothing is different, at least you will think that is the face you have on. But you will be more transparent than you think, those closest to you will know that you have changed. Everyone knows what happened this summer, but no one talks about it. You don't talk about it. You wish it would all go away, you wish you could rewind life, you wish you could see his smiling face one more time. You continue to question God, you continue to be angry at Him. You will find yourself attracted to a man, and you will find yourself spending a lot of time with him, it is a distraction from real life, it is time away from your family, your home, the constant reminders of the child that no longer resides in your life. Your coach will see you though, she will see the anger on your face, she will see your reactions when she benches you in volleyball matches. In September, a family friend will give you a car, and a nice one at that, a 2002 Ford Taurus with maybe 120K miles on it, literally gifted it, you walked outside, and they handed you the key and went for a spin in it with you. You will be so happy you will cry, and you won't think it is real, but it is, take good care of that car, and make as many memories as you can in it.

Thanksgiving 2008-This was a weird one, how can we be thankful for anything when we lost someone we loved so dearly. How can we be happy today, when Simon doesn't get to be here? You will even feel guilty for being joyful during these occasions. You will hope that he isn't looking down here knowing you are all happy and thinking that you don't miss him, because you more than miss him, you cry daily still. You walk for hours on end after practice, always wishing when you returned home it would all just turn out to be a bad dream and he would be there. You will continue to spend most of your free time with your best friend who lives just a couple blocks away, and at your other friend's house, with whom you think you may be falling for.

Christmas 2008-You are in the middle of your basketball season, you are starting on the varsity team, per use. You are good this year! You haven't even fouled out of one game yet! You work hard out there, you play for your brother who will never be able to, you work out your anger and frustration out there, in the best way possible, you get super frustrated when coach Kent pulls you to give you a break on the bench, you just want to be out there all the time. You don't know it now, but this Christmas will be hard, it will be fun, and full of family, but hard. You will be in Michigan for this Christmas. This will be a great and adventurous trip for you all. Grandma and Grandpa Uptegrove will come, and Uncle Jer and Aunt Michelle and kiddos. It will be a blast, but you will still wish Simon was there. You will spend New Year's at your cousin's place of employment, and see the best firework show you have ever seen in your life up until this time. (Which will become second only to the show you will see next summer in Ohio on Independence day!)

January 2009-Back to life in Winona, USA. You return for practice while still on winter break. You practice your heart out, and maintain the starting varsity position, your passion for basketball is overwhelming and ultimately becomes first priority in your life. You enjoy late nights playing basketball with the guys and girls that you hang out with, classmates of your own, and those in the classes above and below you. At this point, you have distanced yourself a little more from them though, as you spend more time walking around, and more time with some boy.

January 14, 2009-After basketball practice today, you come home and find out that your oldest little brother wants to go to Colby to buy some shoes for basketball as he has already worn out the ones bought at the beginning of the season. Your best friend is going to ask to tag along, in hopes to see your brother, her boyfriend at this time, and you will be overjoyed to have her tag along. Your oldest little sister will come along as well! Road trip! You will buy the shoes, go to the college and see your brother in his dorm, and then run by Wendy's for food for your best friends family's supper. You will then leave Colby, though you don't remember the last two steps.

You will wake up in your car, the engine off, you are facing a field, it will be snowing lightly, you will hear screams, you don't know what is going on. You will overhear your best friend on the phone, and hear her crying, you will remember many bits and pieces, but never will know the whole story. You hear your sister screaming in the background. You will see your brother in the backseat, and then notice his seat being empty, and you will have no idea where he went. You will later find out he walked half a mile in the freezing cold to try and find help at the last house you passed. You continue to hear your sister screaming, you see blood all over the deployed air bag in front of your best friend, and start freaking out and try to get out. You remember falling, numerous times on the way to her side. You remember not being able to open her door, and falling numerous more times trying to get back your side, all the while she is crying and screaming, and your sister is also. At some point you remember pulling your mother's phone out of your jeans pocket and dialing 911, and telling them you are 16 (which you aren't) and telling them that you don't know where you are. You remember being freezing and an officer escorting you to his warm car while they awaited the arrival of the ambulance, you remember your little brother being assisted to the car when he made it back to the scene and sitting in the back seat of the same patrol vehicle. You remember being helped on to a stretcher, and being in pain on that stupid spine board the entire way to Oakley, and then you remember the awful sensation of the scissors running up your leg cutting off your favorite pair of jeans. You remember the anger and pain you felt when your shoulder hit the edge of the CT machine, and you remember being driven via ambulance to Colby, and then boarded on a plane, and waking in so much unbearable pain that you are overwhelmed with nausea, and they had to roll you over on your right side (broken collarbone side) so that you would be able to vomit and not aspirate. It was awful.

You will remember these bits and pieces, but not the whole story, you will never know the whole story. But you will know that you survived, and you survived for a reason, so let God use you.  And remember the toll that this is taking on your parents, pray for them, keep your head up and follow the doctor's orders, don't argue with your mom on this one, she knows what is best, and though you have convinced yourself otherwise, she isn't out to make your "miserable" life more miserable.

April 2009-Your senior trip to Florida is this month! Ft. Myers beach here we come. You will have a lot of fun on your trip. You will laugh until you cry numerous times. You will stand at the edge of the Atlantic ocean with your toes in the water, and you will feel the vastness of God upon you. You will look out as far as you can and never see the end of the ocean, you will just feel God's presence encompass you, His realness overwhelm you. You will draw your phone number in the sand, and some random boy will text you, and you and your classmates will meet up with him and his friends on the beach, and you will laugh more, and then text him for a couple days and move on with your life. You will return to KS and it will be back to reality, back to watching everyone else practice for track, going to meets and helping where it is needed.

Then comes prom night, you will have a fun time, you will not go to the after party, because you will want to spend time with your male friend, who has been there when you needed him, but when you get older you will wonder if it was more for his purposes and pleasure than being there for you, but you will never know. You're going to let that man do things to you that will make you ashamed of yourself and your friendship with him. You will regret it, and someday you will find it in yourself to forgive yourself for letting it happen, soon, not today, but someday soon.
 

You're going to hurt relationships with your closest friends, because you will be too busy being proccupied with a relationship you already know is going nowhere fast, and while you keep your anger at God bottled up inside, you can only hold so much in. You're going to break down and cry and poor your heart out to another good (also male) friend, and sometime later he is going to get drunk and try to kiss you, and you are going to be confused and hurt and helpless, and you wont know why, but you wont let him, good for you.

May 2009-You are going to graduate! You have done it, you have conquered the impossible. The date is looming in front of you. On the 5th day of this month you will be blessed with your first niece, she is adorable! You will love on her and can't wait to meet her. You will then graduate, and couple days after graduation you will go to Denver with your Momma and sister, to hop on a plane and go to Ohio to babysit for the summer while your preacher goes through chemo treatments at the Cleveland Clinic. You will celebrate your birthday there, you will get close with your pastor and his family, you will enjoy the summer, though it will be a challenging one, You will enjoy it nonetheless. Though at times you let your heart grow weary and your smile lax, you will enjoy it. Sidenote: you will be getting very tan this summer!

Most important of all, you are going start learning and understanding that God lets things happen for a reason, but you will still not really grasp that concept until you're 24, and even then you will struggle with understanding it.

 

Just know that these will be some of the best and some of the worst days of your life, turn to God in both. He blessed you with a great, and large, family, stand by them and let them stand by you through the good and bad days alike. Spend as much time with your family as you can, drive home often, hug your Momma goodbye every time, because life as we know it is precious, and our time on earth together is short. At the end of each day, the most important subjects in your life are God and family first and foremost, then friends, etc. But family matters. Let them know they do.

In a couple of years, you are going to meet someone who will be a huge ray of sunshine in your life, and that someone will listen to you pour your heart out in sorrow over the loss of your youngest brother, and then hug you, and then tell you this, "I hate that you lost your brother. But one day you will see him again like I'll get to see my grandfather. But I don't think it will matter. We'll finally be in the presence of God, and my own children won't be able to distract me from that. One day though...some day."

Until then, you will make it, and once you see Jesus face to face, none of the past will matter. Until then, keep praying, and be strong. You will make it through this year, and several to come. Enjoy life. Smile often, laugh always.

Love,
Your 24-year old self
 

Fear Shall Be NO More

~The Lord is my rock, and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. ~Psalm 18:2 (NKJV)

One fear that creeps up frequently in my life is my inadequacy for the grace and mercy that God promises me. As Christians we are to, "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. (Isaiah 26:4), and yet, God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9). in fact, He has made provision for our salvation by His grace through faith. Read Ephesians 2:8. It is through an obedient faith that we have access into the grace of God according to Romans 5:2.

Duet 4:31 (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) He will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.

The thing is, we are adequate. God let His Son die on a cross: knowing, believing, and living that truth makes us adequate. He overcame our inadequacy with such a huge sacrifice. As we live day to day trusting in Him, reading His Word, praying and listening to Him, we come to know this truth more. For this we ought to strive, for fear (of anything but God Himself), is a sin.

We need to confront our fears outright. To try and understand the root of this fear. If you are unsure the root of this evil Satan is trying to let overwhelm your life, pray to your Father in Heaven for His guidance, to light up the corners of your heart and find it. He knows where the sin is, but you need to let Him show you, if not, like Jonah, you will simply try to run away...and we all know how well that worked out for him! (If you do not, read his story in the Good Book: Jonah chapters 1&2)

While seeking God's guidance, we can reflect on His promises of protection. In the following verses God promises protection, salvation, courage, presence, safety, and strength. (Dueteronomy 31:6, Psalm 27:1, Psalm 118:6, Proverbs 3:25-26, Proverbs 29:25, & Isaiah 41:10) 

There is one fear that every human being must face---one fear that stands out taller than the others. This fear is death itself. I have no desire to die, I thoroughly enjoy my life, the love I recieve, and the love I am enabled to give out, my cup runneth over. But I have come to peace about the finalility of this life. It is good to be able to say that I am not afraid to die." We all have our time, no two people's length of life is the exact same. Before God created the Heavens and the Earth, He thought of you. He knew your birthday, your graduation date, your future friends, that perfect spouse, your parents, your precious child or children, your life, all of it, He already knew. Centuries before you came into this world, He knew YOUR NAME!! If He had a plan that many years ago.....you must have the faith in Him to know He knows what He is doing. (Philippians 1:21) Before you were born, you were famous! (Listen to: "He Knows My Name" by Francesca Battistelli---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NHQJWdXfFE )

Jesus paid the debt. Your sins will not be held against you if you'll accept the gift that Jesus purchased with His life. We can rest in knowing this and find release from our binding fears. There are giants in this world, but next to our Lord, they are little, nothing more than crickets.

So, with me, my fears of inadequacy and undeserving-ness of God's unlimited mercy and grace...facing them should not be a forever challenge. I read His Book daily, and indulge in how loved and precious I, and every one of His sons and daughters are to Him. I tell Him whenever I feel less than perfect, when I am having a bad day, when I am fearful that something in my life is not going to work out according to my plan, I let Him know. And He just tells me, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

"God My Rock"-Brenton Brown---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0b2GFdxuVk

"Whom Shall I Fear"-Chris Tomlin---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOkImV2cJDg

The biggest and most successful way to face those fears and get them out of the way so you can be closer to God, is to pray. Let Him hear you, let Him help you, let Him know you. As much as you want to know Him, He wants to know you even more. YOU are adequate, YOU are loved, YOU are perfect, YOU are wonderful, YOU are everything He wanted you to be, since before you breathed your first breath. When you are His, that is exactly who He wants you to be. Devote your heart, your life, your soul, your every breath, devote it to Him.  :)