Tests in Life

'Deeper love...down to our very soul. It's there we have an anchor who will not let us go; the Lord who calmed the sea is the One who sees us through; He's given us...a deeper love.' ~Diane Machen

 

I remember the day I woke for my NCLEX (state board exam for nursing). I woke up, early of course, for some (probably useless) last minute cramming. I remember showing up early, my stomach in my throat, threatening to expel it's contents at any second. I remember emptying my pockets' contents and my phone into a locker. I remember scanning my fingerprint(s). Being led to a computer in a room of about 6 desktops. I remember quietly filling my lungs to max capacity and letting it out slowly. Then starting. I don't remember any of the questions, in fact I couldn't even tell you today, just a year and a half after taking it, what one of the frequent topics was. I remember answering the 75th question (50 minutes into the test) and then the test shutting off. At that moment, the inhale was much sharper, and I felt immediate hypertension onset. I knew with all my heart that I had just failed. I did not feel confident about most of the topics that happened to come through the mix. I remember sitting there for a minute in utter disbelief, already dreading another testing fee. I then gathered myself, exited the room, grabbed my things from the locker, did my best to smile at the desk lady (wasn't her fault I had just failed), and exited the building, only to be met by the gorgeous and sunny mid-June day that had been forming outside. The weather alone should have been enough to lift my spirits, the sun alone usually did the trick, but not that day.

I had learned of a suggested 'cheat' or quick way to know if you passed or not online, by trying to schedule another date, but it wasn't a proven hack. If it let you schedule another test, you failed. If it didn't you presumably passed. My blood pressure dipped a little after I was unable to do so. At which point, I took my stressed self into my room, threw on some sneakers, and went and hoofed a good 7 miles around Hays; all the while praying, hoping, wishing that I had passed that test, all the while having a huge gut feeling I hadn't. I didn't text anyone, I didn't call anyone, it was just God, my crazy emotions, and I. The last 2 were a bad match that day. I mean total hot mess status.

There are few moments where I had ever felt so nervous or anxious that I just knew if I did anything other than breathe, I was going to vomit. In fact, I can only think of two since that day. But each time, including that day, whatever was going to happen, was going to happen. But I am human, so worry is exactly what I did. I am not usually an anxious person, but that day my anxiety was probably at a committable level.

 

That's the thing, no matter what happens with each test we are faced with in life, we can only do so much, we can only control so much of the outcome. All we can do is the best to our ability, and trust in the Lord's will to be fulfilled and the outcome, no matter what, will be the best for us, because that is all God wants for His children. So no matter how hard it is, the more you trust God, the more you grow in your faith in Him, the more you jump in and read His Word, the easier relying on Him and all things working out will come to you.

If you're wondering, or missed it in my bio, I passed my boards that day. Lost a bunch of calories walking a bunch of miles while in my anxious mess, but the stomach contents remained contained, and I will never forget the overwhelming joy I felt when I saw my name on KSBN's website, as officially, Rachael Ann Smith, RN for the first time. I cried, I cried a lot of tears, loudly, into a pillow because there may or may not have been neighbors downstairs. And then, I cried some more, meanwhile kicking myself for not only doubting myself, but for having doubt in God, in trusting that no matter what I had or had not accomplished that day, that it would all work out for His good, for His glory.

So let us not forget:
 

'You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.' 1 John 4:4 (NIV)

 

Greater - MercyMe <---listen here

I chose this song, simply because, He is greater. He is greater than you and I, only He is in control of the outcome when it comes to our lives. Don't let the small battles get you caught up, that is just Satan choking you out of doing the Lord's work. You don't bound over 4 hurdles at a time in the 110m hurdle race, no, just one by one. Take each battle, one by one, and you will see the outcome, no matter if it is what you predicted/wanted or not, will be the right one. He is greater than any battle we may face. Pray, try your hardest in all you do, and believe He has your best interest at heart at all times.