Eyes that See the Best

 

More often than not society will call a person who tries to see the best in people a 'naïve' person. Why? I think there are many reasons.
 
Maybe they misunderstand 'the best in people'. Maybe they mistaken it as viewing people through rose-tinted glasses.
 
Maybe it is because we cannot relate to people without their flaws being hung out in the air between us. Maybe it is because people that are more flawed than ourselves, make us feel better about ourselves, superior. Those we see as equally flawed as ourselves, may make us feel relieved. And those who portray fewer flaws than us, well they make us feel ashamed. And shame is the last feeling anyone wants to feel.

 
I do my best to see the best in people. I assume that people will do the right thing, make the right choices, stand up for the right causes, simply be the best them.
 
More importantly, I think the key word is 'in'. To see the best IN them. In order to see the best in someone, you still have to see them for what they are, and that may not always mean that the picture will be pretty. But they are who God made them to be.

Recognize that we are all sinners, roaming one planet together, each facing different struggles in different walks of life. No one has lived the exact life you are living, no one has experienced the same things you have. Yes maybe a friend here has went through such and such that you have as well. Maybe your mother or father faced this struggle or that hardship. But no one other person, has faced and survived every single stumbling block or flat road you have. So, you have to assume the same for others. Assume they may not be going through the easiest time in their life, assume they too have struggles, but are just trying to be the best them they can manage at this given time in their life. Assume there are many great qualities in them. These qualities may be shadowed by the current situation, hiding under the surface, bogged down by a recent misfortune. But assume they are there, and do what you can to expose those qualities.
 

I firmly believe that everyone wants to be the best person they can be. Sometimes that is not always an easy thing to achieve. Some people think the effort is worth it, and maintain directing all their energy and work into becoming a better them. Some people get lost. Each person faces their own unique challenges along the way. We all struggle, and often stumble. Sometimes we stumble on each other, sometimes we trample on each other.
 
Some people feel it is 'safer' to maintain a pessimistic view. Why risk having your trust broken when you can just not trust anyone? Much simpler. There are plenty of people in the world that will drain you, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. Some are just plain dangerous, bad for you, and should be avoided. So no, don't walk around seeing each new person you meet as an angel without a cause. That would be naïve.  
 

 

BUT seeing the best in people doesn't necessarily have to be naïve. It simply means seeing the better side of people, and working with that. People are multi-dimensional beings. For example, an awful husband could be a fantastic father. That annoying friend you have that never shuts up, they may be fantastic as a salesperson. Every strength comes with weakness.
 

So when I tell you I look at people, with the intent of seeing the best in them, I mean it. And I mean that I am making every intention to see people wholly and compassionately. That may not entail being able to block out all their 'bad' characteristics, but it certainly means not choosing to focus on that. Energy spent doing that is energy wasted. Find the good in people, because there is good in everyone, and you will come to realize that you have good within yourself as well.

How does one do that?
 
Firstly, slow down. Take a few moments and be curious about the good qualities in a person. Open your eyes, take off the translucent-colored glasses of negativity bias, and see what the facts really are.
 
See the person's positive intentions. Try to see the good intentions of the people around you. Particularly, sense the longing to be happy in the heart of every person.
 
Acknowledge their abilities. Unseen ripples spread far and wide when we see abilities in others, and acknowledge them openly.
 
See their positive character traits. Unless you are surrounded by sociopaths, everyone you know must possess many virtues. Maybe they have determination, generosity, kindness, patience, energy, honesty, fairness, compassion. Take a moment to observe these traits in others.
 
Recognize that the good you see in others, is also in you. You couldn't see that good if you did not have an inkling of what it was. You have positive intentions, real abilities, and virtues of the mind and heart. Take a moment and let that fact sink in.

 

You don't need a halo to be a truly good person. You are a truly good person.

 

#putyourloveglasseson ~ Beckah Shae

Chain Breaker ~ Zach Williams

Start Over ~ NF ft Flame

O Lord ~ NF

 

 

 

What Goes Down...

What goes up must come down is the more popular phrase, but let me tell ya, the reciprocal is what was relevant to me, as I found myself 3.5 miles deep into the Grand Canyon, the reality of having to go back up hit me like a two-ton brick.

Now let me first say, that this was a fantastic trip. I regret nothing about it. I was able to take with me one of my best friends, whom I may or may not have been able to survive without, good thing I didn't have to try to. And since returning from the trip, many of the comments I have made and stories I have told have not been the most positive, because I had let the one negative day/hours overcast on all the great times and experiences we had there!

The trip started out about 8pm for myself. Kayla and I had both worked the night before, and wanted to get some good sleep before heading out the next morning. But since we both worked nights, and each had obtained a little bit of rest (3 hours for me!) that day, we decided we would probably be up all night anyway (thank you screwed up circadian rhythm) so we set out that evening. The drive was a hair over 12 hours straight through. We stopped for gas a couple times, restroom breaks, but mostly made the drive pretty promptly, arriving in the wee hours of the morning in Arizona. Check-in at the campground wasn't until noon, so we found ourselves with some time to kill.

1st stop-Mather point We drove around until we found a visitor's station, and went in and checked out some options for the day. We had planned to just chill out, eat, relax, etc the first day there. And chill we did, the weather was quite brisk the entire time we were there. We made our way out to Mather point (a 5-minute walk from the visitor's center) and here we caught our first glimpse of the amazing handiwork of God. It was beautiful. Huge. Windy. Awesome. I paused for a moment, let the brisk air rush across my face, and tried with all my might to see where the canyon started and ended, but with all the twists and turns, and the length of it, that was impossible. It was so gorgeous. A light haze on the horizon, where the climates seemed to switch up. We spent a good 20 minutes here. We posed for pictures, took pictures for a couple other people out at the point, then gathered our things, and meandered down a paved path to the next 'point' of interest on the South Rim.
We continued in this manner, as we walked along the rim, for several hours. Stopping at a couple museums on the way. We then made our way to the shuttle bus (free y'all, free shuttles!) that took us back to the visitor's center. Then we made our way over to the café, ate supper, and drove back to the campground to check in and set up our campsite.



Setting up the tent was a chilly adventure (my 2nd time with the new tent, the first being the test run I did in my living room days before leaving for the Canyon.), but we were successful. We threw out some firewood, but then decided we were exhausted and needed a nap (it was about 4pm at this time.) I had very minimal cell service (let's be honest, I had no service), so I enjoyed the time away from my electronic device. It truly was a break. Unfortunately, this weekend happened to be my best friend's birthday, sister's birthday, and the only time my friend in the Marines had service to call/talk to me (time zones away), so I missed out on some very important things while there, but I lived, and they all did as well. With each text, I never knew if they were going to go through or not, so just hoped for the best, and if they weren't important then I simply just didn't even attempt.

Our 'nap' sesh, turned into a sleep all night until the next morning thing. Saturday morning rolls around. Throughout the prior day Kayla had awaited a confirmation call from the tour guide company that was to be giving us a tour hike the following day, and when one never came through, she called them to confirm. They discussed if we would rather see some sights, or hike down the canyon, or both, and what our food preferences were. Kayla and I woke Saturday morning all stoked for this hike. We packed our backpacks, and awaited the arrival of Josh, our guide. When we signed up for this hiking tour, we had to fill out information saying what level of hikers we were, what level of hike we were interested in, how long, etc. We certainly said low levels, though we are active, running on the treadmill, lifting weights, and working out on the elliptical are all quite different than hiking a canyon, so we played the safe card, and probably undersold ourselves. But that apparently was irrelevant. We were pushed to our max, in fact, I was pushed beyond mine.



Word of advice, if you want to experience the Canyon in all of it's glory and beauty from way down in it, and have a desire to hike, and are somewhat good at it, then absolutely, feel free to hike it. It is amazing, and I wouldn't take back the hike if I could. BUT, it is challenging. Some of the terrain is easier than others. We completed our hike on the Grandview trail. We started out, and it was fantastic. We got about a mile down and ended up having to shed some layers as the sun came out, and the wind ceased. Now Kayla and I work out, we go to the gym, in fact at this point I had been going twice a day, in hopes to at least have a healthy heart and stronger legs for this adventure. When we reached the Coconino Saddle, (1.1 miles down) I asked our tour guide if I needed to feel my legs to get back up to the top (in all seriousness, as they both has become a bit numb), to which he responds, "You will use different muscle groups on the way up." I legit was having some cramping in my thighs, but thought they would just work themselves out. At this time he also points out where he states our lunch will be, Horseshoe Mesa (did not know this at the time, but later found out it was a good 2+ miles farther than the saddle.) He asked if that sounded like a good stopping point, to eat, rest, then return. We both agreed, sure! We were excited for this experience.



As we continued, it seemed as though we never got closer, but somehow the rim got farther away. I could hardly feel my legs at all by the time we had almost reached our destination for lunch. I had to ask our guide to stop, as I was having trouble slowing my heart rate, and was nauseated beyond belief. He asked, 'is it mental or physical?' to which I respond, "I don't know, both!" At this point I was wondering in my head how much it would cost me to have a helicopter come rescue me, as opposed to hiking back up to the top. But we stopped, I was able to slowly munch on a granola bar, drink some water and Gatorade, and then encouraged them that we should start our trek back. I honestly thought for a good half an hour that I may or may not die down there. Kayla carried my pack, and our guide carried hers and his, so that I could rest, and I certainly would not have made it without having my load lightened. Our trek back up was much slower, with much more cognizance of how each other was doing, many breaks were taken, and rightly so. My legs, by the time we returned to the rim, were a half ton each. Every muscle beyond maxed out.

I would like to take a moment right now, and thank my best friend and companion on this trip. Kayla was SUCH an incredible motivator and encourager throughout the entire way back to the rim. She is a wonderful friend that I am beyond blessed to call mine.



We then drove to a couple other points on that part of the rim, that we would not have seen had our guide not taken us, and walked a small amount more, (or in my case stiffly limped/hobbled) to see the Desert View Watchtower that was designed by a female architect, Mary Colter, which was neat, but after the complete exhaustion I had experienced just moments before, I found it hard to appreciate the history and experiences at this point, due to wanting to just collapse and sleep. We then made our way back to camp. Our guide got out, we said our goodbyes, I hugged him, and he left. He returns about 5 minutes later, and asks us if his boss mentioned anything about gratuity. And encouraged us that this was not included in our hiking guide fee, and that gratuity was how they made their money. So we, though were not completely satisfied with our hike, and actually somewhat dissatisfied, went to our wallets, and found whatever cash we still had left ($40) and gave it to him. He then left, for real this time. And we hit the showers, ate some food, and hit the sleeping bags, HARD. I slept so hard. I was so sore, I remember needing to pee at about 0300, and debating just lying there and holding it in as long as I possibly could, but then relented, and painfully removed myself from the warmth of the tent, into the brisk breeze to meander the short walk to the restrooms.



After rising the next morning (not-so-early) we meandered about camp, getting ready for the day, and decided to take the shuttle bus to the Hermit's Rest route. Where there were several points along the rim that a shuttle bus would stop at to drop off/pick up tourists. There were also walking paths between these points. We rode to the end, then got off, and started the trek back. We hoped to make it until sunset, but we were again exhausted, and just needed some rest. We could tell there was a storm moving in because there were tarantulas all over the roads! We made it back to camp. Ran to the café, ate some supper, and then showered, and bed. All the walking was great for my tired legs, but they sure were sore still.



But it was good. All was good! We really had a great time. Kayla was able to rid herself of something that had been bogging her a little. We had many many great conversations about life. We talked, so much. I hadn't realized just how much I missed her, until I was able to spend not minutes, not hours, but DAYS with her again! We had so many laughs. So many great times. Mind reading moments, total jam parties in Dory. Just an all-around blast.

I am unsure of which night for sure, but one of the last nights in Arizona, Kayla and I were getting in the prepaid showers, both of us had already put in the $2 and started the water, when she realized she had left her towel in the car. We were discussing what to do about it, when some kind lady offers up, 'I have done the same thing before, if you give me your keys, I can run out and get it for you!' Of course, I was a bit hesitant, but mostly trusting of this kind woman, but I offer up, I left the keys in the vehicle too, but you can use my code to get in! So I told her the code, she repeated it back 3 or 4 times, then asked what kind of vehicle I drive. It was a small bathing/laundry facility, so the parking lot probably only maxed out at 30 vehicles, and I gave her brief instructions on where I was parked, the color and make of the car, and my friend informed her where her towel could be located within the vehicle. She returns, quite promptly with towel in hand, and we say thank you so much! Kayla says, 'God bless you!' The kind woman responds, 'You're so welcome, and I hope both of you girls voted...and not for the man who is our president.' Commence awkward silence. I remained silent because I had voted, and for the man who was president, but also I was still buck naked in the shower and this woman still had my car's passcode on her brain (keys, spare keys, wallet, purse, ID, phone chargers, etc all in car) and could absolutely go out there and ruin my life right now if she so desired to! But, Kayla got her towel, and nothing else was missing from the car, nor was there any graffiti after the no response to her voting comment.

So there is a funny note to end on! Also, I am still working on losing 2 toenails, but the rest have remained intact! It's only over a month later. Sorry for the wait for the great story of the Grand Canyon & Rachael/Kayla meeting for the first time. And don't think for a second that I don't want to go back, because I do. I want to take my family there, and my husband and kiddos someday! Except, negative to the tour guided hike. Y'all, if you need tips on where to hike, or whatnot, we have some. And you can absolutely do the Grandview trail, just not maybe as far as we did, unless you are avid hikers. There are several hikes that are much simpler, and even have water stops, etc, and are equally beautiful. So don't hesitate to hike the canyon, just know the guide is unnecessary, as long as you practice safe hiking and come prepared, and realize that some trails will be more challenging. Maybe don't start with one of the most challenging that the Canyon has to offer for your first hike!

God, and Sex Before Marriage

1 Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."


I read a story once, written by a great Christian woman, who was given some advice from a pastor in her life. His advice to her was:

He said, “It’s not about how far you can go, it’s about how close you can get.”
That’s really the question we’re asking. Right? How far can I go? What am I allowed to touch, what is he allowed to do, how far can we go before we’ve crossed 'the line'?

But instead of thinking about it that way, her pastor challenged her to ask herself:

“What can I do to get as close to God as possible? What decision can we make that brings our relationship as close to God and His very best design for this as possible?”

After reading her story, and his advice, my perspective changed completely. No longer was it about following the rules, just pushing against them enough to keep from breaking them. It wasn't about checking the correct boxes, so as to avoid making God mad. God isn't going to strike us down or spite us if we have sex before we are married. That is not who God is.

No, it isn't about living just to avoid breaking rules anymore. It is about a relationship. It is about tearing down the guilt, shame, and sin that makes us distance ourselves from God. When we sin, God doesn't leave us, He doesn't go anywhere. But when we sin, what do we do? We hide. (Or at least try.) When we follow what He says in this area, we are keeping ourselves from putting walls between us and God. The decision is about trusting the Creator of sex, and marriage, and love and us, when He says love is at its very best when we handle things this way.

I know that I want the very best love life, the very best marriage, and the very best sex life possible when my time comes. And if God --- the Creator of all of those things --- says this is the way to get the absolute most out of it, then I want to take Him up on it!

So, if getting the most out of my marriage, love life, and sex life after marriage is the motivation behind waiting to have sex now, then in regards to all of the intimate things we can do leading up to sex, there are two questions I think we need to ask ourselves:

1) What brings me closest to God?
2) What makes me feel like I am setting myself, and our relationship, up to get the absolute most out of it --- taking God up on all the blessings He has in store for us?

And I think you can answer those questions pretty easily, if you’re honest with yourself.

If you’re honest, after you and your boyfriend do ______ (fill in the blank), how do you feel? Do you feel ashamed? Like you’ve failed? Like you’ve increased the distance between you and God now? That’s a good indication that you might need to re-think things, make a different decision.

Maybe you weren't raised a Christian, maybe you were. Maybe you weren't told early in life that having sex before you were married was something you shouldn't do. Maybe reading this, is the first time you have even heard word of it. But let me tell you, God has a better idea for love, and sex, and marriage, and He really wants you to take Him up on it.

I decided several years ago that I wasn’t going to do anything other than kiss until I was married. So far, I have successfully held to that decision.

Now — I’m not saying you need to draw the exact same line. Again — this is a personal decision.

But the reason I draw the line there, is because I know that intimacy is intimacy. And I feel like I would be trying to cheat the system by doing other things that were pretty much having sex — maybe not technically, but really, really close.

And I don’t want to cheat the system. I want to actually do things the way I really think God is saying to do them. And for me, I have decided that means saving intimacy of all kinds until I am married.

So — I know how tough this is. You are absolutely not alone in this. Waiting is a struggle for everyone. And it’s a good thing that it is! You don’t want to marry someone you have zero chemistry with! That chemistry will pay off at some point.

But in the meantime, do everything you can to get as close to God as possible, to take advantage of every blessing He has in store for you in this area of your life.



Matthew 5:27-30 (NIV) ''27 You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. ²⁸ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹ If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰ And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."

James 1:13-15 (NLT) "13 And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. ¹⁴ Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. ¹⁵ These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death." 

  

Here are the not-so-random song links I post with each blog, enjoy! :)

Guard Your Heart ~ 1 Girl Nation

Through Your Eyes ~ Britt Nicole
Undeniable ~ TobyMac
Show Me ~ Beckah Shae

Sunrises and Sin

 

I sat out early one morning, breeze blowing through my hair. It was serene; completely and utterly peaceful. Had the porch light on, but beyond it's halo, was complete darkness. Anything could have been lurking in those shadows and I would have never known unless it stepped into the glow of the light.

Then, as the sun slowly rose, all the unseen was made visible. 

That is how we are when we meet people. When we let them in, we begin to expose those things hidden beyond the light. As Christians, we shouldn't be opposed to letting others in, sometimes exposing ourselves is all it would take to light a spark in their curiosity about Jesus and His works in your life. I will admit, it takes an awful long time for me to let another person know 'all about me.' If you have been (un)fortunate enough to qualify, then know, then, now, and forever, you mean the world to me.

 

When we ask God into our hearts He already knows. He can see into all the nooks, crannies, cobwebs, and closed boxes. Nothing is beyond what He knows. Nothing can be hidden. When we acknowledge our need for Him and ask Him in, we sign a consent letting Him know we know He sees it all, past, present, and future. And when we read the fine print, it says we will do all we can to serve Him, please Him, and live to better His kingdom.

So let us expose ourselves, to the saved and unsaved alike. Let us show them, that God's grace is limitless, His mercy unending. Let us show them that we are not better than them, we have just been washed clean by the blood of Christ. My blog title stems from that mindset, because I am just a sinner, saved by grace. Saved by the blood He shed for us upon that cross. Washed clean by His grace, so that we all may meet Him one day in heaven. Let us be transparent. It is okay not to be okay. It is okay to show them you have hurts and wounds, okay to show them your past. What better way to better expose the new you than to show them how far you have come with Jesus in your heart and life?

 

 

Thy Will ~ Hillary Scott

The Stand ~ Britt Nicole

Steady Me ~ Hollyn

Finish What He Started ~ MercyMe

He Knows ~ Jeremy Camp

Being Still

Exodus 14:14 (KJV) 'The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.'

Conflict is inevitable. When it comes, our inborn nature is to choose fight or flight. But as children of God, we are challenged to choose another alternative---stillness.

'What does being still have to do with conflict?' you ask. Well let me tell you how they are related in my mind and in my walk with Christ. Stillness has several implications, all of which are helpful.

Stillness is: a state of calm
The most common mistake people make when facing difficulty is to react impulsively and rashly. When you feel anger or panic washing over you like a tidal wave, run to God in prayer. Nothing brings calm like prayer, nor will anything restore your peace like the quietness of conversation with God.

Stillness is: a form of waiting
There is so much wisdom in waiting for some time to pass so you can gain a clearer and more objective perspective.

Google states that the definition of 'wait' is:
 (verb)

1.

stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens

--or--

2.

used to indicate that one is eagerly impatient to do something or for something to happen

So be still, wait.

Stillness is: faith in the peace that is coming
Those who trust in the Lord find their security in what they believe rather than in what they see. Learn to trust the Lord's counsel and provision, even when it looks as if things may not pan out the way you prefer them to.

___________________

When everything around you is in chaos, being still gives God a chance to do His best work.

___________________


When I think about where I struggle the most with waiting, sometimes I freak out. Sometimes, and always more beneficial each and every time I do, I pray. I do my best to completely give it over to God. Sometimes that means a simple prayer, and my full reliance on Him and His work in my life. Sometimes that means writing whatever is weighing me down and causing conflict, usually externally, and even sometimes the physical burning of the 'issue' that I wrote on paper, while giving it over to God. I am typically a girl-on-the-go. I like to go, go, go. Especially during the school year, my nights off are for siblings' sporting events, and family events. So that means, my nights off, aren't really nights off. But I like it! I like a packed calendar. But, being so busy, I forget to be still and listen and just be with God.

He has already proven that He can calm any storm, so whatever storm He is letting you be in right now, He is just showing you that you need Him, you need to depend on Him. He is saying, 'I am in control.' Psalms 107:28-29 (KJV) 'Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.'

I find it easiest to be still, when I am alone. Sometimes my 'still' time is at work, but that is quite frequently interrupted and seemingly less beneficial to me and my relationship with God. Find a quiet place, an empty room, maybe your backyard, or if you've seen War Room, and feel like you need something that separate and enclosed, your closet. Find a place where you don't have anything else to worry about. Where you can be you, and God can be God, and you can be one with each other, conversing and hanging out with Him. Being still and relaxing in the Lord gets easier each time I make time for it.

'The quieter you become, the more you can hear.' ~Ram Dass

 

Don't forget...

 Enjoy some of the not-so-random music videos I always post at the end of each blog! :)

 

Breathe ~ Jonny Diaz

Thy Will ~ Hillary Scott & the Scott Family

Yearn ~ Shane and Shane

 

Thanks for reading, and I pray something I wrote reaches someone who needs to hear it today. God bless y'all!

Steak for Breakfast

Me, a night shift nurse. There's good. There's bad. And yes, there's ugly. 

I started out my day yesterday waking up, showering, and running to the local grocery store for some salad for a dinner I had planned with one of my favorite families, their last night with their son before they send him off to college. The first thing I ate yesterday was steak. 

Momma probably would have been in awe if I woke up as a child or a teen and asked for steak for breakfast. That is a little abnormal. But the steak for breakfast yesterday? That was completely not off-the-wall at all for me. That is my new norm. No I don't eat steak for breakfast everyday, but the reason supper at 9pm was my 'breakfast' time is because working night shift has taken its hold on me, and rarely releases its grip. 

______________________

the Good: 

If you asked me a year and half ago if I enjoyed night shift, I would have said yes, absolutely, with no reserve. If you asked me yesterday, I would have said yes again. But the hesitation is becoming more evident, creeping up. My body and mind usually do okay sleeping in the day and staying awake all night. I am an energetic person. It is my norm. I love to laugh, and enjoy even more to make other people laugh, even if sometimes they are just laughing at my snaughling. 



Since being on night shift, I have had multiple of my elders and peers discouraging it,  pushing me to opt for a day shift position if I was given the choice. But back when I started on night shift, I was excited. Hey, differential, am I right? I enjoy the management-less building. I enjoy the drama-less co-workers I typically get to work with all night long. But. Over the past 12 months. My drive to be on night shift has certainly lessened. I still enjoy the differential, but it was never all about the money for me, and never will be. I still enjoy most of my co-workers, although sometimes some of my faves really let me down. But my heart doesn't seem to be in it anymore. 

the Bad:

I am emotionally exhausted. I go to work, do my best to please the patients while still maintaining the healthcare standards necessary and put in place to give them the best care to my ability and within my scope of practice, and get them healthy and home as soon as possible. But I go to work, and my patience is literally about as short as the fuse on a Bobcat (firecracker that is). It takes about 3 seconds of an unable-to-be-satisfied-patient's bad attitude to make me want to just go home immediately. Unfortunately in those moments, patients still need their nurses to get better and get home, so emergency emotional-breakdown-on-the-verge-Rachael moments, don't come with a quick solution at all hours of the night/morning. 

I used to go to work everyday, and think about how blessed I am that I am not the sick one in the bed. That I was privileged enough to be able to go to school, had worked hard enough to graduate, and now get to go to work every single day to help make people's lives better. Yes, even the 6 year old who I have to put an IV in, yes even that child, I get to do what I can to make that kid's life better. Here lately, I still find myself blessed that I am well, and able to care for those that aren't. But each shift feels more like a routine, like a cycle, like I am a hamster stuck in this wheel called life. The only relief from what has seemingly become an episode of my life stuck on constant repeat, is sleep. 

the Ugly:

I am mentally exhausted. I bring it home. I take it to my best friend's house. I take it to my Mom's. I have to hide it in church, where I should feel most free to be most transparent, I hide it best. I am tired at weird times all the time. It makes me moody sometimes. I am very impatient with people. I am easily annoyed with pointless (in my opinion) stories and wasted time. Sleeping all day, even on my nights off, because I have no motivation, I have few friends here, and we typically live on opposite schedules. I would not consider myself a clinically depressed person, I still find joy in simple things, and I can still sport a smile like a champ, but I guarantee I smile a significant amount less than a year ago. I notice it, I notice the increased negativity, and am unable to find the means to change it.  And I strongly believe working nights can assume part of that blame. As well as the devil himself.



I am spiritually exhausted. My faith in God has not faltered, not one bit. But, I don't strive to feed it. I don't just sit down and read my Bible anymore. I used to always make a point of it, even if it meant reading on my break at work, I would always find time to sit and at least read a chapter or two. It was important, very important to me. Seems I got comfortable where my relationship with Christ was, and I pushed it aside, I don't make it a priority anymore. I used to be able to attend Thursday night Bible study with the ladies as well as Wednesday morning coffee. But even those are few and far between anymore. But simply put, I don't spend as much time hanging out with God as I used to. And that is wearing on me. That is the ugliest part of me right now. 

______________________

If you're reading this. Maybe you are finding yourself in a similar struggle or slump. Welcome. You are so incredibly not alone. In fact, before reading this blog, before realizing there is someone else out there with some of the similar struggles, God was there. He is always there. I never forget that, not anymore. But sometimes I feel Him closer than other times. Not because He moves away from me, but because I find myself drifting away from Him. 



Instead of worrying about whether I am on day shift or night shift, pray for my walk with God. Instead of asking me why I am still single, pray for my Mr. Forever. Instead of wondering if I am getting more (enough) sleep, pray that I am getting more God-time, and in correlation acquiring more patience at work, at home, and just in my all-around life. Starting with my poor roommate that never gets to see me, but when she is unfortunate enough to have a run-in with me, it is usually not the most pleasant experience from her end I am sure. Sorry Becca. 

As I continue trying to find myself in this crazy world, I pray I continue my endeavor to find more and more of God. I pray that my family, co-workers, friends, and acquaintances will accept my sincere apology for my recent setbacks in my faith, attitude, and all-around peace.

Lastly, get yourself to church. Fellowship with my believing peers keeps me sane. Do yourself a favor, and get to church. It is free, family-friendly, and necessary. 

"For where 2 or 3 are gathered together in My name, there I am in the midst of them." 
-Matthew 18:20 KJV

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." 
-Colossians 3:16 

Now, enjoy some of the not-so-random video links I post at the end of each blog. #sofittingrightnow

Stand ~ Britt Nicole 

Hurricane ~ Natalie Grant  

My Deliverer ~ Mandisa

Thank you for reading! May God bless you in every way today and throughout your life. 

Dear China, Thanks for Stealing my Pastor

'Stealing.' Maybe that was a bit harsh. But just let the record show that that is an honest reflection of my attitude when I first heard about their future endeavors to that far away place, initially of course.

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July 10th, 2016 was the last Sunday that our previous Senior pastor and his wife attended our church prior to leaving for China.

When this adventure was still in the works, when I was first made aware of it being quite a possibility, God willing, I had quite mixed feelings. Here is why.

1) I am selfish.

2) I was in awe.

3) Still in awe.

4) I was so incredibly excited for them and their future plans, this big, crazy, exciting step, that I couldn't even possibly think of anything more perfect for their next step in their lives together. (And obviously God agrees, as all has worked out so well thus far!) 

5) But still, I was selfish.


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Let's start at the beginning though, the first day I heard about 

this exciting new adventure in their life:

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March 13th, 2016
I remember that Sunday as if it were yesterday! Sunday school finished, and Marcia and Sarah were having a conversation about someone working for her in the nursery. I followed Sarah back there and told her after I ran the powerpoint for worship, I would be right down and replace her. She said something to the effect of, 'no, that's okay.' But of course I did it anyway! I love kids y'all, and would do it every single Sunday. 

As Pastor Steve began to close his sermon, I notice that Sarah gets real quiet, stands up close to the speaker to hear better, and then I overhear, "I am resigning as senior pastor...." I tell her, "Get out. Go out there." She is already in tears and I am about to be.  I couldn't make myself believe it to be true. My friend, wife, and their daughters were going to be moving at the end of the month. And now this news is thrown at me?? (see, selfish.) And by me, I mean, our church body, as a whole. No one was singled out. I am 99% sure I cried about it the very moment I learned about it. I was in the nursery, snuggling with some precious girls when what I thought to be a weird dream registered and started to return to reality. As that occurred, I just hugged those girls closer.

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I cried about it again when Pastor Steve spoke about it a couple Sundays before his last here as senior pastor. 
I teared up, every time someone at work or the grocery store asked me about it.
And again on July 10th, their last Sunday.
Ooops, yup. Yet again at their going away party. (Also July 10th).

Okay, you get it. I am an emotional wreck and a big cry baby.

I didn't cry because they were going to China. I didn't even cry because they were leaving. 
I cried because they wouldn't be here anymore. (There is a difference, I promise, but again, selfish reasons.) I cried thinking of the empty spot in the sanctuary, wondering who God would send our way. Knowing that no matter who was sent our way, that was who was supposed to be here, but still knowing they had some big shoes to fill. (No offense Pastor Steve.) Let's just say, the bar of expectation has been set pretttttty high.

But, on the reals. I am so excited for them. I know God has had His hand in all of the events leading up to this decision, and will continue to guide them on this exciting new adventure halfway across the world! I wrote a letter, to both of them (and then a short one to their whole family), things that I wanted to, and need to say to you, but you're gone now. So you get to be victims of one of my open letters, sorry not sorry.

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First, a message to Pastor Steve: 

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Pastor Steve,

You have been nothing but light in my life here in Ulysses. From the times I came to church with Susanna and Jonathan before I actually moved down here, until you left; you never made me feel anything less than welcome. You know how to make a person smile. I rarely saw you without one, and that alone helps raise spirits and form smiles in others around you, but on top of that you are a genuinely kind and God-serving man.

On numerous occasions you complimented me. About anything, my singing, my smile, my attitude, whatever it was that day, you found something. And, like you, I always sort of brushed it off. I am definitely never going to win an award for 'greatest at accepting compliments.' On your last Sunday, as I was hugging you for the 30th time at your going away party, you again told me in my ear, 'You are so awesome.' You know some of (what I consider to be) my darkest 'secrets.' Being a pastor kind of opens a door to a lot of people's darkest times in their lives. And you knew mine, at least the gist of it/them. And yet, you never once seemed to be 'judgy', or disproving. You always, always, always greeted me with open arms and a smile. And simply loved. You always show love wherever you go.



I also genuinely appreciate the many Sunday mornings when I would come early for prayer with you and our equally dedicated Pastor Bob. Every single Sunday you prayed for marriages, for keeping the marriage bed holy, etc. And almost every single Sunday, you also prayed for the singles in our church. (Me!) You prayed that God would bring a partner alongside, or if we were 'called to be single' that we would live for Him either way. You don't know this, but every single time you prayed for us 'singles' I wept. Every time. I struggle so much with trying to let go of past mistakes and lingering regrets, as well as find a happy medium between where and when to put myself out there and when to hold back a little, like maybe if I put a little more effort into it, I can rush God's revealing of the spouse He has planned for me. I struggle daily, with the fact that here I am still single and 25. I tell everyone I am old, because some days it feels that way. I sometimes get stuck in the lull that consists of sleeping, working, eating, and repeat. 

Sundays, especially with you, your wife, and daughter, always made for a great break from the 'lull.' And though they now will not consist of seeing you all every Sunday, and even though I work at least half of the Sundays each month, I still see it as a day of refuge, recharging, regenerating joy, and a day to be reminded of all that Christ did for me. 

Everything about you, even the Moses hair (LOL!) has been a great example of Jesus' love to me, this church, and our community. I say yes, even the 'Moses hair' because even with that, you have shown us that sometimes we do the things we do because of the love we have for those that love us. And if you can glorify God, by loving your wife and the fact that she loves your beard, then so be it, that is just perfect. Having attended the 'send-off' party for y'all, seeing how many other churches' pastors attended, and other people in the community, really opened my eyes even more to the oneness that you have liked about this community and it's churches.



Initially, when I heard y'all were leaving...it was seriously like, uh, the end of the world. At least my Ulysses world, as I knew it. I will miss your great attitude, and your incredibly vast knowledge of God's Word. I am beyond excited though, for your travels and experiences to and in China. As the days are crossed off the calendar, I can imagine you are more and more excited! You are awesome!

Praying for you always.

You are deeply missed already,
Rachael Ann

P.S. I apologize for calling it a 'man bun.'


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Now, for a message to his better half and perfect compliment:

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Dear sweet sweet Marcia,

In my mind, always the pastor's wife. But also, always the sister with whom I enjoyed several morning prayer coffees with. The sister who was not afraid to pipe up in Sunday school, about whatever topic we were addressing and learning about at the time. The sister who was always smiling. You are never afraid to be honest though. Sometimes while hugging you, I would ask how you were doing. Sometimes I got, 'great!' 'good!' etc. Sometimes you replied with, 'okay.' And that, though saddened my heart for you in that moment, gave me hope always. You are such a happy woman, with a joyous spirit, but even the happiest of people have 'okay' days too.

You have brought me so much joy, on numerous occasions. Your quirky sense of humor, brings nothing but smiles to anyone around experiencing it first hand. It is a perfect mix with the more serious, though less seen side of Marcia. But I love both sides. So keep em both around for sure. Your joy and loving manner are my favorite of all of your amazing qualities.

I did not get to spend as much time outside of Sunday mornings with you and your family as I would have liked to (thanks adulthood), but the times I did were always such a blessing. The numerous trips to Downtown, (which is closed now, super sad.) the times you guys would have us over for lunch, or cards, or whatever. Sunday night Bible studies, and the time I stopped by AWANA. But my most favorite memories, are from morning prayer coffee with you gals. And I am so sad that I was unable to attend the last several before y'all left. I loved hearing about how Steve did the laundry, or dishes, or made you breakfast, or coffee, and on the cold mornings, started your car for you. I loved hearing you talk about your spouse, and see your love for him shine in your eyes. 

I also remember before I really got to know you, camping at Meade Lake with you, Sarah, and Steve ( or as you sometimes refer to him as: Swannie). That was the first non-church event that I had ever attended with y'all. I remember walking over to the restrooms with these near strangers, and feeling just as welcome as if we were truly sisters. Thank you for that. That is one of the first, and one of my favorite memories with you! 

I have heard that being a Pastor's wife has it's challenges. No one can deny that. You maintain the part well. You are an amazing wife to Pastor Steve. You both compliment each other so insanely well. I could not imagine a better-matched couple. God knew what He was doing when He brought your two lives into intersection. It will be hard to picture life here at FBC without you. You have a way of bringing a smile to literally every face in the building. Life will be a little weirder without you than with you. But for as well as you played the part of 'pastor's wife', I am excited for you to delve into being God's daughter, Steve's wife, Caleb and Sarah's mom, and all your other titles, with some needed relief from your role as 'Pastor's Wife.' Though you never complained, and showed no sign of the burden, I know it was there. You are a smart woman, and being a student will continue to look just as good on you now as it did when you were 'the pastor's wife.'

If I can ever get a Tuesday night off, and am able to return to Wednesday morning prayer coffee with our sisters in Christ, I know it will be a different experience without you. Not better, not worse, just different. Your uplifting spirit will be missed! I have seen your contagious joy affect many people around me, always positively. I am excited for you to be able to share it with many others as you travel to China, and especially after you arrive. Can't wait to hear the stories of new friends, crazy adventures, and touched hearts. 

Praying for you always.

Love you so, and miss you already,
Rachael Ann

P.S. You are a rockstar Marcia!

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Like I said, I am selfish. Sometimes when hugging and visiting with Pastor Steve and Marcia each Sunday, I had to force some excitement for their plans out. Not always was it genuine. My second favorite family in Ulysses was going to pack up their life and move elsewhere. I have survived. It has only been a couple weeks. I have only been in church one Sunday since they started their adventure around the US to see family and friends before going to China. (I have only been once because I was on vacay in Michigan, [which I will blog about soon!] not because of a ripple effect of their leaving, causing me also to leave.) That one Sunday was just two days ago in fact, and it went well. We were also missing our worship leader, so as one could imagine, getting sound figured out (when the 2 people that ran it in the past were missing) was an adventure. One that we conquered like champs, might I add!

Anyway. Though life without Steve and Marcia is going to be different, and sometimes we get stuck in a comfortable rut and never want change, I am equally excited for what this change will bring the church, and what this change in their lives will bring for them. Ruts ain't good for anybody.

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So to Pastor Steve and his delightful and loving family,

I miss you. I don't hate China. I am so glad Gad has worked out everything thus far with your pre-adventuring. I love you all so much. Thank you for your impact while you were here, and for the impact you will continue to make, even though we will be continents and states apart. 

Could not thank you all enough for your impact in my life with 100 blog posts, but thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Praying for you always!

Forever missing the Spam Fam, and the Spam Fam van as well,
Rachael Ann

P.S. Where does that van reside now anyway?

   

'Tell me, what is it you plan to do with 

your one wild and precious life?' 

-poet Mary Oliver 


Don't forget to check out these not-so-random music video links I include with each blog post! 

I Will Follow ~ Chris Tomlin             10,000 Reasons ~ Matt Redman

Overwhelmed ~ Big Daddy Weave