To the Friend I Never got to Say Goodbye To

Jacob,

I don't know what to write to you, because my heart is still broken.  I know that I loved you then, and I love you now. I can tell you that when I left my job in Hays, you were my favorite CNA to work alongside with, always there to help, always there to make me laugh when we had been having a long shift. Always there, way behind on charting just like me because we had been so busy, and willing to entertain me and make me laugh in an empty patient room while we stayed after our shift to catch up on that charting, which probably made the catching up on charting actually take much longer, but if you asked me then, I didn't care. If you ask me now, I will tell you I would go back and waste much more time with you if I could.

If you asked a patient, any patient you ever cared for, they would say you were a kindhearted gentleman, who did your best to make their stay enjoyable and as short as possible. And as much as I enjoyed working with you, I loved our time spent together outside of work even more. Our late afternoon walks, hours of playing basketball, swinging in the park, driving around.

You were never one to complain, which is probably why no one suspected anything like the outcome that came about after you went missing. You sure knew how to listen though, and I appreciated that, thank you. In fact, I find myself talking to you still sometimes. I wish your family would have left your Facebook profile up, it was just a little thing, and maybe it was too painful for them to see you in what we consider a big part of our lives now, on our technology that we let distract us from each other and the people and things that really matter, but I enjoyed being able to scroll through pictures of you, pictures of you doing things you loved with people you loved.

But you never let those distractions get in the way when we were together. You gave me all your attention, and I enjoyed it, I hope I returned the respect. You mom convinced herself that you were going to be found, you were going to open a random door for a random elderly lady, who was going to look up to your face to thank you, and recognize you, because you were that kind of person.

Your sisters, 16 and 14 at the time. I remember you always talking about them and how you being their brother, also tried to fill the role of being their father, because you had been raised without one most of your life, and didn't want them to have to go through that as well. And though I know they only saw you as their brother, they did nothing less than respect you and appreciate the time you made them priority in your life. As much as my heart is broken, I know they, at their young and vulnerable age, also have questions and doubts, and wish they could have done or said something to help. No child should have to bury their brother, I have been there and done that, but the circumstances were quite different.

I remember texting you the day before you went missing, our last conversation. I had been gone from Hays for months by this time, the times I had returned, whether for family obligation or to grab more stuff from my storage unit, it never worked out for us to get together. I wish I could say it was all your fault, but it was both of us, our schedules that we used to force to coincide, no longer did. I spent most of my days over a hundred miles away, but it felt like an eternity away.
 

The day before you took off in your uncle's vehicle. The day before you went and bought a gun and ammo. The day before you decided life wasn't worth living anymore. The day before I prayed for you for hours (or rather, days). The day before the end of your known life. I don't know what day you actually shot yourself, you were missing for 10. I don't know the thoughts going through your mind, but I can imagine utter and complete darkness and despair. I miss you. I remember the moment I found out. And oddly enough, I drove to the closest cemetery, and just wept. Sat there, on that chilly fall night, and just cried to God. The questions reeling through me, with answers to never be known. I went through all the stages of grief, but I definitely started out befuddled, with overwhelming questions, and then anger.

Anger at you, for not letting me in. Anger at you for not telling me what was really going on in your life and in your head. Anger at you for acting like everything was normal and fine, and asking me all about my life instead of answering my questions to you about yours with an honest heart. If you had told me, I would have come back to Hays the first day I had off, maybe even before. I would have listened, I wouldn't have judged, with you and I it was never about that. We accepted each other with all our imperfections.

I remember being so angry that everyone around me could just go on living, and expected me to do the same, even though I had just lost a best friend. Angry at God, because no one should ever have to go through this, not you, not I. Angry at Him because He didn't step in, because He let you buy that gun, because He let you drive to a field in the middle of no where where no one would find you soon enough to talk you out of killing yourself. I have never even contemplated taking the easy way out like you did, but I could never even if I wanted to.

I will forever wish I knew sooner how you were feeling. I can't even remember the last time I saw you for sure, but I remember every bit of our last conversation, because after I found out you were missing, I read it over and over again. And then after losing you, that was all I had of you. All that time we spent together and we don't even have a picture together. But Jacob, your face will never leave me. I will never forget your hugs, your voice, your always hilarious snaps.

I could never kill myself, because I know that my family members expect me in their lives. I am important to them, as were you to me. My father needs to walk me down the aisle, my mother needs to hold my hand while I am laboring my first child into this world. My God needs me to stay on this earth until He decides my time is done, His plan for me complete. 

11 days.

The number of days from the last time I talked to you to the day your body was found in a pasture with self-inflicted GSW. 10 days, the number of days you were missing.  1 day, the amount of time it took for you to go from telling me we were going to hang out when I came to Hays 24 days later, to deciding life was not worth it anymore. 9 days, the amount of time from your last credit card charge, until your family's hopes were raised with news you had been found, then crushed while being informed of the lifeless state your body was in when located under a tree near a pond.

The only thing that kept me going after hearing about your body being found, was remembering the times we talked about God, and my resting assured that you knew my Savior, and had asked Him into your heart, hope that those talks were genuine and honest. And though you didn't always walk the walk or talk the talk, none of us always do, and I believe that someday I may run into you beyond those pearly gates.

If I could have said goodbye, I wouldn't have. I would never have granted your wish to let you do this and never see you again. I wouldn't have let you ask your uncle to borrow his car and a couple bucks. I wouldn't have let you go to that pawn shop for a gun, and then purchase some ammo. No. I would not have said goodbye. I would have told you I loved you, I would have told you our friendship meant the world to me. I would have told you no matter what was going on, this is not the best answer. I would have told you to let me in, let me in your heart, let me in your mind, let me care for you like you have so tenderly cared for everyone else around you. I would have told you that you matter. I would have told you how dark this world would be without the light you provided. I would have told you I needed you. I would have told you not to do it. I would have told you God never wanted your life to end this way. I would have told you I didn't want to walk this earth knowing you no longer shared it with me. I would have told you I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to permanently miss you. I wanted to be able to come back and have the missing of you resolved with a hang out sesh in Hays. I would have told you that I love you, best friend, and your life matters.

I miss you more than a fat kid at fat camp misses cake,

Rachael

What I Know-Tricia Brock watch the Youtube video here! I love this song, amongst all the questions that never feel answered, this I am sure of. You my God are real. <3

Questions I Have

 

'He will send you a soul mate you won't have to chase after.' -Adam Cappa

So, where do I draw the line, and how fine should it be? Where am I pushing too much or expecting too much (from Him and/or the potential Mr. Forever)? Can I fall in love with someone who is not a Christian? Can I control who I fall in love with? If I fall in love with someone who does not love my God as I do, is that a sin? Is my desire to share my faith with him, in hopes of planting a seed for the Spirit to tend to and hopefully bloom in his heart, so that we can live happily ever after such a bad thing? How will I know?

What if God has shown me the 'one' He has for me at this point in my life and I didn't give that person the time of day? What now? Is there another? Am I to believe there is just one 'soul mate' for everyone? 7.3 billion people on Earth and God has set only one aside for me? 159 million men in America, and I am to believe God has set aside just one for me? I only need one, but who's to say that only one exists? Only one person on earth is meant to catch my eye, steal my heart, and worship my God with me?

Is there something wrong with me? Is there a reason Mr. Forever may not be in my life yet? Is there a reason my ring finger and the other side of the bed are still vacant? What is God's plan with me? Am I where I am supposed to be? If God is all I need, then why do I yearn for a man in my life? Does that mean I am making God smaller, less important? How much work should I be putting into this search for my Mr. Forever? God calls some people to be single, is that my calling? If yes, then why does not a day go by that I don't wish Mr. Forever was here?

How content am I supposed to be, where is the line? Am I where I am today because of past mistakes? Did I mess up something that was meant to blossom into something beautiful years ago? What do I do with these unexpected single years? Why has life not panned out like I mapped out in my mind in 7th grade?

God has given me these single years for a reason, there is a purpose, but how will I know that this purpose has been fulfilled? How do I keep myself from squandering them away while I wait for Mr. Forever?

 I wish God would text me a picture, and be like,

'Rach, this guy right here. His heart is solid, his intentions well, and he is the man I intend for you to spend the rest of your life on earth with. {Insert time and date of first interaction with said man}  #worshippartner #areyouready #youarewelcome #lookathim #ainthenice  #prayerpartner #keepmefirst #praytogethersticktogether #marriagevowsareforevervows'

***Because of course, if God texted He would totally hashtag! #likeaboss #TheBoss

Needless to say, this girl needs some soul-feeding time with her King while she waits for her prince. He is the only one with the ability to answer my questions.

Mmm. Jamie Grace nails it on the head in her song 'The Waiting' check it out here!

 

Facing the Inevitable

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. Just be patient, focus, and keep aiming. If we fully believe and trust in Him and His abilities (which are limitless), then no matter what lies ahead of us, no matter the struggle we may face tomorrow, no matter the loss we may experience next week, no matter what, God is already there. God has seen, He knows what you have been through, and what you will go through, in the next moment, in the next month, in the next year. He knows! He also knows just how much you can handle, and when you think He is giving you more than what you believe you yourself can handle, know that that is Him calling you to draw near to Him and seek His assistance. I think it is His way of showing you that you need Him; that this life is not mastered or conquered successfully without His help. 

Hard times are inevitable. Satan is out to attack us, sometimes at full force. So avoiding him and these struggles is impossible, all we can control is how we react to the situations and struggles we find ourselves in. All we can do is prepare for the battle, and use our training when we find ourselves amidst the fight. Everything we have comes from the Lord. Our very existence is from the Lord. Our bodies, our homes, our lives, our jobs, our money, all from the Lord. So why not use every cell in our body for His purpose, to fight battles for Him, and to share the gospel and armor of God with others, so they too can suit up and battle with us against the enemy?

Check out this link for some music to get you motivated for the fight! 'Keep Fighting the Good Fight' by Unspoken (Lyric video) watch it here!

 

 

Dear Officer

Dear Officer,

I see you.

I need you.

I appreciate you.

I may not know you, but I see your efforts. I see you put my family's safety before your own. I see you seat yourself in a restaurant with your back to the wall in the back of the restaurant, and if that seat isn't available, at least facing the door, constantly scanning your surroundings, suspicious of all and trusting of none, better safe than sorry. I see you being filmed every time you try and do your job. I see you live your life frustrated and misunderstood. I see you ridiculed on social media and in the news for implementing your training. I see your exhaustion. I see you walk up to the car on your next traffic stop hoping it isn't your last. I see you touch the taillight of that car, so that should you get shot, at least your fingerprints are there to lead investigators to the right vehicle/owner.

 

I see you.

I see you leave your family and home for each shift, hoping but not knowing that you will return after your 8, 10, or 12+ -hour shift is over. I see your wife putting your kids to bed each night alone, and encouraging them to go to sleep and that Daddy will be home when they wake up. I see you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, as well as the 40+ pounds of duty belt on your waist. I see you hold back the tears as you hold the lifeless body of a baby that was beat to death by their parents, just after slamming cuffs on them and putting them behind bars. I see you wish there had been signs earlier, or wish the neighbor had heard/suspected sooner. I see you question your faith in God, when over and over again all you see is the negative aspects of society, and you wonder how a God who is supposed to be in control of it all, lets what used to be a 'nation under God' become so crime-ridden and evil.

I see you.

 

I see you become more and more frustrated with parents because they refuse to teach their children right from wrong and then blame you when they are caught breaking the law. I see you wish away parents' choices to make you the bad guy to their young children, with saying such as, 'If you don't finish your supper, the cops are going to come and take you away,' not even giving you a chance to be a hero in that little kid's eyes, but instead, making you the enemy from the time they can talk/walk. I see you not just shoot the gun out of the hand of someone who has aimed it at you, and then be condemned for not just tasing them. I see you do right by you, the law, and your department, but forever be scorned for not doing your job right, because let's face it, everyone on mainstream media knows every law and every part of your training and job requirements you must abide by.

I see you.

 

I see you work your 12+ hour shifts without knowing if you will get a break for supper or for a quick goodnight call to your husband. I see you spend countless hours away from your family, putting in overtime as it is needed, but somehow never reaping the benefits of it on payday, good thing you aren't in this noble profession for the paychecks. I see you respond to crazy calls to solve other people's problems because they have deemed themselves incapable. I see you threatened on a daily basis. I see people hate you, not because of who you are, but again because of 'what' you are. I see you breakdown in the office over a call that you responded to and took care of while holding it all together, but couldn't any longer after you reached the secure area of your desk amongst your thin blue line family that you know you can trust enough to break down in front of, but then find yourself being reprimanded by your superior, and told to man-up by your peers.

 

I see you.

 

I see you wishing you had made it home in time for a warm meal, rather than the lukewarm, already considered leftover meal, you received when you finally made it home for lunch. I see you apologize to your wife for being late, and then filling her in on the details you are able to about the ridiculous call that kept you from coming home when you said you would. I see you patrolling the neighborhood that your home lies within, in hopes of catching a criminal in the act before s/he is able to break into your own home in hopes of attacking your family in response to your arresting them or a family member of theirs.

 

I see you.

I see you get asked if you are even capable of doing your job when the crime isn't solved and the guilty party in jail in the allotted 60 minutes it takes investigators on television to do so. I see you be despised, hated, distrusted, and mostly unwanted by others. I see you become a 'bad cop' because someone 6 states away forgot their oath of honor and the whole world knew about it within a couple days, again, thank you mainstream media, thus affecting the image of every cop ever in the public's eye. I see you itching under that Kevlar, while silently knowing it may be all that stands between life and death, hoping it will be enough to protect you from the bullets of a stranger's gun that may be pulled on you at any minute, day or night. I see you arresting a potentially dangerous, combative suspect, and realize there is no 'nice' way to do so. I see you get accused of police brutality, even though you were just doing what you had to to protect yourself and those around you, whether it be more Officers or civilians.

I see you.

I see you burying your brothers and sisters that died too soon simply because they wore a badge and a vest. I see you hurting. I see you holding it all together, being strong for everyone else. I see your honor and duty to serve and protect the very civilians that mock you to your face, the very civilians pulling out their cameras after calling you to their home to deal with their disobeying and argumentative child, with hopes of catching you slipping up, in order to tear you down more on social media. I see you show up to work every shift, ready to do your job, and excited for a new day.

I see you.

 

I see you spend your holidays in a squad car. I see you miss your child's first steps or first words because you were sleeping after a long night shift. I see you take a bullet for your partner. I see you jump into a lake with questionable creatures, to pull a crash victim from the heap of metal that used to be a car. I see you being blamed and accused for doing what you were sworn to do. I see a few bad men and women amongst a majority of good cops, that the world allows to taint their image of an entire population of. I see you doing the dirty work that we are too afraid to do. I see you keep the bad guys out of our businesses, our cars, our homes, and our faces. I see you be the bodyguard, the hired fists, batons, and guns of our lives. I see you do what I am too unskilled or too civilized to do myself. I see you fear no evil.

 

I see you.

 

I see you make all your date night plans in a city in another county in order to avoid the awkward moments of walking out after being seated and realizing you have arrested half of the staff in the restaurant. I see you telling the man in the hardware store that you work for the city, and leaving it at that to protect your family and yourself from any possible danger had they known your real job title, because that is the world you live in today, one that targets you and your blue line family.

I see you.

I see you make yet another run to a home for a domestic call, hoping that the girlfriend is still alive when you get there, hoping that she will press charges this time, hoping that she won't be the one who bails him out so he can beat her all over again, hoping she will be strong this time, and get out while she still is alive, wondering how long it is going to take for her to learn that this isn't healthy. I see you wondering how long her poor fragile body will sustain the abuse.

 

I see you.

I see you wishing you could adopt all the mistreated children in your district. I see your heart break for them. I see you hurting. I see the weight of each call weighing down on you, until you aren't even sure you can stand anymore. I see you running after a subject through alleys in the dark, with no fear, only adrenaline, hopping fences, just praying that the criminal isn't armed and doesn't hurt you or a fellow officer. I see you fight, not because you hate what is in front of you, but because you love those who stand behind you. I see you stay calm in the most intense of situations. I see you help that old lady cross the street. I see you directing traffic in rain, sleet, snow, ice, and the beating sun. I see you maneuver the freeway in a chase like a boss, always careful to keep the innocent civilians safe, while yet managing to not lose the suspect's vehicle.

 

I see you.

 

I see you and your family of blue gather around a lost brother or sister's family and lend all the help you can. I see you all band together in support of those grieving. I see you never stop looking for the man that shot your brother. I see you working overtime day and night seeking justice for that criminal, and to do right by your fallen comrade. I see you pursuing him/her relentlessly.

 

I see you.

 

I see you reach the solace of your home, and just weep tears of sorrow, knowing that it could have been you, and sorry that it was your comrade. I see you sneak in to your sleeping child's room and gaze upon them and wonder when they got so big, then silently promising yourself that you are going to be around more often, because you have already missed so much. I see you snuggle closer and hold tighter to your spouse in bed, and whisper to them that you love them. I see you make a point to stop and tell them that as often as possible, not just at the end of the phone call dates, not just as you are walking out the door for what has the potential to be the last time every time, but throughout the day, maybe while you are busy washing dishes, or mowing the lawn, just pausing to tell your spouse in the moment, because you know then and there that you have this moment, but quite possibly may not have the next. I see you sacrifice nights away from those you love to protect those you don't even know.
 

I see you.

I see you always on alert, always prepared for anything at all times. I see you back your car up against a building so that you are aware of your surroundings and making it impossible for someone to sneak up behind you as you finish that report an hour after your shift was supposed to end. I see you finally catching a break between calls, and chatting with a fellow officer pulled up alongside each other, parked opposite directions so you can watch each other's 6, because these are your brothers and sisters and will always only be second to your family at home.

I. See. You.
 

When I look at you Officer, first I see:

a Brother.

a Sister.

a Mother.

a Father.

a Son.

a Daughter.

an Aunt.

an Uncle.

a Grandparent.

a Cousin.

a Friend.

a Citizen.

an American.

Then I see:

a Sheep Dog.

a Wolf Hunter.

a Protector.

a Guardian.

a Patriot.

I see a Fighter.

I see a Defender.

I see a Hero.

 

No cape, no powers, just Kevlar and class-B attire, but a superhero nonetheless.

 

I say a prayer everyday for you. I pray for your protection while you are putting your life on the line for mine. I pray for your safe return home to your parents, wife, kids, husband, dog, from each shift. I pray for courage, strength, and might. I pray for discernment on how to handle each call and situation you find yourself in throughout each shift. 

And even when it seems like no one else does, know God and I got your 6. Thank you for your sacrifice, shift after shift, to protect myself and my loved ones. Thank you for defending the thin blue line in our society. Thank you for showing up.
 

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Matthew 5:9

Cancer Sucks, Period.

Cancer sucks.

Literally, cancer sucks the life right out of those diagnosed. When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, it is usually a shock, and usually tends to throw us into fear and other emotions we find ourselves in when we think about that person dying. I don't know why, there are cancer survivors all around us, but death is typically the first place our minds run to. Maybe it's because it takes so many lives each year, worldwide it takes upwards or 7-8 million lives a year. Maybe it is because it is the leading cause of death worldwide.


Maybe it is because no matter what kind or stage, the doctors still have no idea how your particular cancer cells may react to the recommended treatment. Maybe it is because we all know someone who has died from this disease.

I had a best friend lose a grandparent to cancer last year. Have had multiple people who I knew or who are loved ones of people I know receive a diagnosis of one form of cancer or another. Have lost loved ones to cancer. Just had a friend's parent get diagnosed. Have a very active member in our church struggling with the after-effects of a brain tumor, and still receiving treatment for it. I follow a couple pages of some really cute and extremely brave children on Facebook battling cancer.  Cancer is everywhere, affecting everyone in it's path.

And it sucks.

They fight, they give it all they have, literally. Enduring chemotherapy can be treacherous. It is like a vacuum cleaner, sucking all of the health out of a person, while undergoing treatments, to make them healthier?  A person undergoing chemotherapy treatment will experience fatigue, they may feel exhausted most or all of the time. They may feel pain, in the form of headaches, muscle pain, stomach pain, and pain from nerve damage such as burning, numbness, or shooting pains in the fingers and toes. They may develop mouth and throat sores because chemo can damage the cells in those areas. Chemo may cause diarrhea, or constipation, what? This may also be a result of the pain medications deemed necessary to control that side effect, it can become a vicious cycle. Nausea and vomiting are also common, depending on the drug and dose. Can cause blood disorders such as low red blood cells (anemia), low white blood cells (leukopenia), and low platelets (thrombocytopenia).

Other nervous system effects may include weakness or numbing of hands and/or feet, weak, sore, tired, or achy muscles, loss of balance, and shaking or trembling. It may change their ability to think clearly or concentrate on things after chemotherapy. Cancer survivors have called this 'chemo brain.' Chemotherapy can affect fertility as well, this comes as especially shocking news to young people, or their parents. And should a woman be undergoing chemo treatments and become pregnant, they should let their doctor know as soon as possible. Treatment for cancer if a woman is already pregnant when diagnosed will vary on the term of pregnancy, the mother's wishes, and the type, size, location, and stage of the cancer. And then the most widely known side effects of loss of appetite and loss of hair (depending on the chemo drug used). A person's experience of side effects usually goes away when treatment is completed, but some may continue, come back, or develop later.

And radiation, not so much fun either. When radiation is used, it is usually in high doses, to kill the cancer cells in any given location in the body. One plus is that these side effects are localized, as radiation is a local treatment, so side effects are only experienced in the part of the body where the radiation treatment is being given. Hair is generally not lost in radiation therapy, unless the treatment is on a part of the body where hair is, such as the scalp. A person may experience some skin issues in the localized area, dryness, itching, blistering or peeling. They may experience some fatigue, more or less depending on if they are also undergoing chemo treatments as well, as both together will combine their fatiguing effects. Regardless most of these side effects go away after treatment is completed.

There will be good days, there will be bad days. It will be a roller coaster ride, with blood counts going up and down, and staying level, whether at normal levels, or abnormal.


There will be many emotions: sadness, fear, anger, maybe at God maybe not, more than likely at their situation.

Being a nurse, I had to study up on cancer in nursing school, but there are so many different kinds of cancer, and stages, there is no way one could ever know everything about it. But that's okay, because each case is a learning experience anyway.





When you or someone you know is diagnosed with this, it is scary, right off the bat. Everyone knows or loved someone who has died from this disease, so that is an easy thing to be. But even before the diagnosis is made, even before that person may start getting sick and losing hair due to the chemo treatments, even before all hope in the family members' eyes is lost even though that person is still fighting like a champ;  we need to remember that no matter what--this moment, this moment is all you are guaranteed. No matter what, cancer or not, you're not guaranteed the next minute, you're not guaranteed the next Christmas, you're not guaranteed your daughter's next birthday. Live in the moment, not fearing the future, not fearing what cancer may or may not do to you or your loved one, but rest in the assurance that God has it. God is holding you and/or your loved one right now, and He has it all under control. He knows.

You may still be thinking, who is this lady? That I have no idea! I have not lost a family member to cancer, I have not been by someone's side while they underwent these treatments and witnessed the side effects firsthand. I haven't watched them suffer day in and day out, some or all of the side effects I mentioned, not including trying to manage my time spent by their side, my time spent with family at home, paying the bills, trying to fit a job into the chaos.

But I have. Maybe they weren't a family member. I was a nurse's aide in an oncology unit in college, and I saw the side effects, almost all of the ones listed, both for patients undergoing radiation and chemotherapy. And it sucked. But what I noticed in all of the patients I cared for, they all had hope. They all had smiles, not at all times, but every single one that I worked with smiled. They smiled through the pain, they smiled through the chemo, they smiled through the hair loss. They were stronger men and women than I will ever be. They may have frowned upon the lunch tray I just brought in for them, full of food they couldn't find within themselves to want to consume, but then they would say something funny, or a family would.

I have been the listening ear and shoulder to cry on for loved ones who had lost their loved one to cancer.

Cancer sucks, but there are things it can't suck out of a child of God. Including the joy in their spirit and their beautiful smile. Cancer can't cripple love, it can't shatter hope. Cancer can't take your faith or kill friendships. Cancer can't silence your courage. Cancer may radically change your life, your appearance, your health, but cancer doesn't have to change you. Remain strong, become a survivor! I posted a video link at the bottom of this page, to a song that may bring you some more encouragement and more leaning on our Savior's helping hand to guide you through your or your loved ones illness and recovery.

It took cancer to bring my best friend's grandfather's heart to Jesus. It took cancer for him to realize that there is a God, and He is the only hope for life after death. It took cancer to bring him to Jesus.

Cast My Cares-by Finding Favor watch it here!!

Insight of Motherhood

Those of you that know me at all, even if only on a 'somewhat personal' level, are aware that I have 6 nieces and nephews, (and 1 on the way!) You may also know that I have babysat for other people since I was a pre-teen.  If you know me even just a smigden better, you know that I absolutely adore children, and cannot wait to have some of to call my own, not just my 'adopted' children aka best friend's kids, nieces, nephews, baby cousins, etc.

I lead with this, so you will remember, throughout this post, that I do love children. I have not and will never do anything intentionally to hurt them, physically or emotionally. Yes, I spank, if I deem it necessary I will spank. I was raised on a lot of beatings, unfortunately, because I was not an angel as a young one, and survived quite fine with my rear completely intact and my emotions healed each and every time. But beyond the necessary spanking, and sometimes a little voice raising, I tend to love on them!

Typically my blogs begin randomly, at any given point in a day that a thought comes to my brain that may or may not make for a good blog, I throw it in a draft post, and edit it when I have time. That 'time' typically occurs during lull hours at work, hence the ridiculously early posting and sharing. 

Since working night shift, I do not sleep as much as I used to, or maybe I sleep more, but none of it as restful as it used to be. I am unaware of the normal time frame it takes a person to adjust from sleeping at night to sleeping during the day, but this girl has not mastered that yet. Medication is almost always necessary to try and get to the point of shut-eye before the sun rises, throwing me a curve ball of awake-ness.

Let me lay out my weekend plans for you. I made plans to get off work Friday morning around 0700, and go home and sleep right away, waking around 1-2pm to get up, shower, and pack and head to my little sister's basketball game later that night. I then had plans to head on from her game to my sister's house to watch my two nieces (1 year old and 6 year old) while she worked her 2 overnight shifts this weekend, Saturday morning have to be up and on the road by 7:15am, with the 2 girls to head to their Aunt's basketball tourney, then up and at 'em early Sunday morning to be back for church with my lovely church family in Ulysses.

That was the plan anyway.

So, why the blog? You ask. Here's why.

I got off of work yesterday, had a niece at my house, so of course had to bug her in the morning, and then tossed and turned and was able to finally fall asleep about 10am, then got up at 2pm to shower and get ready for my sister's game. Showered, packed the bag and car, ate some cereal, and hung out with my sister-roomie for a bit, then began my 2-hour jaunt to her game. Little sister's game started at 6pm, I arrived literally as the national anthem was beginning. Boom! Off to a great start! (We won't mention the fight with the one-way and country roads in this miniature town.)

Her game ended and they won, yay! Took off for my oldest sister's house (1 hour drive). Arrived just about 9:45pm, after grabbing some randoms from my storage unit, came to her house and took over for my niece's dad who was watching them until I arrived. He said they had been in bed for about a half hour and both were sleeping. Sweet, I was sad I didn't get to kiss them goodnight, but 2 kiddos already asleep when you arrive for a babysitting gig is an unexpected bonus every time!

I was dozing off to a tv show, so decided bed was calling around midnight. I get up from the couch and go to the bedroom where my nieces are sleeping so I can hear them when they wake, and can't sleep. I toss and turn until 1am, then finally doze off. The youngest one wakes wailing at 2:30am for her mother. She cries for an hour, then finally I give up on the attempt at soothing and we come out to the living room and watch television, I just pray for some peace and quiet, to prevent what happens next. Her sister wakes around 4am and we all hang out. Now it's 5:30am, yup, bath time is happening! They get bathed, meanwhile their mother comes home from work. Wonders why everyone is awake, etc. Gets them out of the bath and dressed while I hop in the shower, then they all lay down for a bit more shut-eye before leaving for yet another set of basketball games this morning, (another hour and half drive, this time with needing to prepare 2 children, packing snacks, extra clothes, diapers, wipes, etc...you get the point.) Plus switching the carseat over from their mom's car to mine, finding socks and shoes, grabbing a blanket for each in case they want to try to sleep on the way this morning, and their coats. Then waking them at 7am to head out.

We arrive, just in time yet again, pulling into the parking lot right in front of my Mom and 2 of my sisters. (If this is confusing by now, I understand. I have 4 sisters. My youngest sister is a sophomore in high school, she is the baller in this story. I have 2 older sisters, oldest has 2 daughters, 2nd oldest has 1 daughter. Older of the younger sisters lives with me at this time.) We head on in, and the games were fun! All 3 of the nieces were great, played together, watched some and cheered their aunt on some, but mostly played together and ran around and consumed snackage. Then, before leaving, got a call from my brother (I have 3 of them, this was the oldest younger brother), asking if our youngest brother was supposed to be helping our father after the games, asked Dad and said he didn't have to, but Dad wanted to run off with the youngest to go check out the local dairy cattle before letting me take off with him (Dad used to work on a dairy farm years ago when we lived in New York). Then I was to snag him up and deliver him to my brother who called requesting him to come ride-along and keep him company while he was hauling manure from a local feed yard. Said feed yard happened to be on my route back to my sister's house. Meanwhile, the younger niece is napping. She napped through that entire escapade and the rest of the way to her mom's house (Probably a 2-hour nap).

We get to my sister's house about 3pm. We all get moved back into the house from the car, and hang out with my sister before she has to leave for work around 5:30pm. She leaves while the nieces are sucked into the tube watching the new Minions movie, so unnoticed by the younger of the two. All is fine and dandy until about 6:40pm. Then the older of the munchkins runs to the restroom to vomit, a couple times. Ah, got to love the vomit! Then she says she feels better. We hang out, she eats some Cheetos because she refused to eat or drink anything else, and answered me multiple times that her tummy felt better. Then we all start getting ready for bed.

Let the crying begin. The younger of the two went to bed first and seemed to be sleeping. Just before the older and I went to bed, the younger is looking for mom again. She loses it, cries, coughs, vomits, cries, coughs, vomits. I pull her from the bedroom and bring her to the living room with me because her sister is almost asleep already. Two vomiting episodes, two pairs of pajamas, three blankets, some carpet scrubbing, one of a couple laundry loads started, and hard-core tongue-biting (by me of course) later, and this aunt spanks her. The vomiting was 100% related to her making herself cough hard enough that she vomited, and she was being a little bit ridiculous, and following the spanking, she cried, then calmed. She talked to me in softer tones, and really wanted to go to bed. But she was still crying off and on, and I knew she would wake her sister.

Then boom, sister appears in the kitchen. She says, 'I know you are mad at my sister.' I told her, 'I am not mad, I am just tired.' She said, 'I heard you spank her.' I said 'Yes, I did because she was throwing a fit, and made herself throw up 3 times!' She then told me, she wishes her 'sister was big, so she wouldn't cry and whine so much,' I said, 'Me too missy!'

She looks as exhausted as I know I feel, and through the tears that are slowly sliding down my cheek I encourage her to lie down on the couch. I reached a breaking point just then and I just let those tears fall. I prayed to God, asking for more patience, because I really needed it, and for rest for all of us soon. I thanked Him for helping me not lose control with the younger one, and thanking Him that I am able to not only spend time with these girls, but that I get to love on them, and help my sister out, and for this rougher insight into motherhood, even if for a couple hours.

We all just talk for a minute, and then big sister proceeds to vomit again, a couple times this time, in the kitchen trash. Poor girl. So we just sit on the couch and hang out, watch some television, hope the younger gets tired, and the older gets feeling better. She vomits a good 3 times more, not much each time, but enough heaving to make me vomit in my mouth. (I know how ridiculous, I am a nurse, I should have it engrained in me to be able to handle this stuff, but no. At work, I have to be professional, so I try and keep the gagging to myself until I step out of the patient's room, no matter the scent or consistency, usually I can keep it together. At home or in my personal life, I have no need to keep it professional, and the gagging gets a rapid onset and no control even attempted.) So after keeping myself from vomiting, I cleaned out her bucket a couple times, then she relaxes on the couch and appears to be dozing off, we all have survived thus far! I glance at the clock and it's 9pm. This is a good thing, because it is still early right? More time for sleep. But also, it's only 9pm. I am usually a positive person, but I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the time, the last 2 hours felt like an eternity already.

9:30pm, the last time the older niece vomited, and I rinsed out her bucket. 9:45pm the time the older niece decides she is ready for bed, and goes to bed, and the younger thinks she is too, then changes her mind, screams and cries for 15 minutes, then decides she is really ready for bed now (I hope!). As I complete this, it is about 10:30 pm. I am wide awake of course and enjoying the peace and quiet for now, though I know I will regret not being able to sleep right now while the kiddos are. But this has been one of the more challenging weekends of babysitting. I am glad it was with my nieces, because had it been anyone else, I would have told them adios tomorrow morning, and promised myself never to come back. These girls are a big part of my world, and I never see them enough.

Tonight was a challenge for me, but I prevailed, and all three of us survived! PRL! So, just throwing this caution out there for all y'all that may run into me tomorrow at any given time, I am sorry. I may be a grouch, I may be exhausted, and the smile may be forced, but I will do my best to have it present. For now, I am going to bed, counting my blessings, and thanking God for these two beautiful young girls. I know no matter what happened here tonight, next time I see their face, they will be glowing and their mouths spewing "Aunt Rachy!" And the struggle of this weekend will be but a grain of salt in my sea of memories.

:) You can't really tell here, but they are both sleeping soundly. It's 11pm. I'm out.