'Mom, I'm hungry.'

'Mom, I'm hungry.'  Blurts out my 5-year-old nephew in the back seat of the van.

...fast forward 67 seconds...   

 '...still hungry Mom!'

Like hello Mom, did you forget? My stomach is still hollering at me! It doesn't matter how patient or impatient I am, I cannot control how patient my stomach is!

I think that we are this way with God. We pray, fervently perhaps, for things we think we need or know we want. We pray over and over again, maybe we pray for the same thing twice in the same prayer, just in case God may have forgotten, like his Mom must have forgotten about his hunger pains. We pray that God will heal all ills and comfort those who are hurting. Not tomorrow though, we cannot wait on tomorrow, but why not right now? God fix us now, comfort them now, You can, so why don't You? Why do You feel the need to 'try our patience' for so long?

We find it unfair at times, life in general, but especially the moments where God is saying, 'Trust me, I know what I am doing. I see the pain in your heart, I know the ending, give Me time, and let Me do what I do, one day you too will understand dear child.' God is perfectly just, even when circumstances seem terribly unfair. He has a plan, His timing can be trusted.

He tells us in the book of Proverbs, chapter 3 verse 5 to 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.'   '...with ALL thine heart.' What does this mean to you? To me, it means no matter what my brain thinks is possible or impossible, no matter what my emotions believe is fair or unfair, no matter what the world tells me is just or unjust, the Lord is in control, especially when I don't understand it. God makes many promises in His Word, but not that life will be fair. Not that life will be easy. Not that life will work according to our plans and purposes, but His plans. In Romans 8:28 Paul writes that, 'we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.' Emphasizing, that it is not what we want when we want it, but what we need when He determines we need it, for His glory.

There are a lot of things about God that I don't know and cannot explain, but one thing I know is true; God loves at all times.

I know that He will never leave us.

I know that this battle isn't ours. The battle belongs to the Lord, let Him fight for you. Save your emotional energy and use it to dig into His Word like never before. Our job is to be obedient to God, His job is winning the battle. We can't do it alone anyway, just let Him do Him.

I know that the battle may not be easy or short-lived, but victory will be there for those who trust in God.

I know that God is good, even when circumstances are darker than you ever imagined. God is good even when people aren't. God is good even when things seem stinking hopeless. God is good even we aren't. God is good and can be trusted.

And, I know that God is good at being God. Don't try to fix what He hasn't assigned you to fix. Be patient and know the He is working on it. 

 
Be still. And know, He is God. Be patient, He has it under control.

God doesn't simply pour a big dose of patience into our lives overnight. He builds it in us, through experiences--sometimes very hard ones, and sometimes very small and seemingly silly ones... The small experiences increase our capacity to tackle bigger ones with greater strength. Each experience, big or small, is training us to endure, creating a solid foundation in our lives to prepare us for what may come.

 Trust in You- ~ Lauren Daigle                                       Breathe ~ Jonny Diaz      

 While I'm Waiting ~ John Waller

Insight of Motherhood

Those of you that know me at all, even if only on a 'somewhat personal' level, are aware that I have 6 nieces and nephews, (and 1 on the way!) You may also know that I have babysat for other people since I was a pre-teen.  If you know me even just a smigden better, you know that I absolutely adore children, and cannot wait to have some of to call my own, not just my 'adopted' children aka best friend's kids, nieces, nephews, baby cousins, etc.

I lead with this, so you will remember, throughout this post, that I do love children. I have not and will never do anything intentionally to hurt them, physically or emotionally. Yes, I spank, if I deem it necessary I will spank. I was raised on a lot of beatings, unfortunately, because I was not an angel as a young one, and survived quite fine with my rear completely intact and my emotions healed each and every time. But beyond the necessary spanking, and sometimes a little voice raising, I tend to love on them!

Typically my blogs begin randomly, at any given point in a day that a thought comes to my brain that may or may not make for a good blog, I throw it in a draft post, and edit it when I have time. That 'time' typically occurs during lull hours at work, hence the ridiculously early posting and sharing. 

Since working night shift, I do not sleep as much as I used to, or maybe I sleep more, but none of it as restful as it used to be. I am unaware of the normal time frame it takes a person to adjust from sleeping at night to sleeping during the day, but this girl has not mastered that yet. Medication is almost always necessary to try and get to the point of shut-eye before the sun rises, throwing me a curve ball of awake-ness.

Let me lay out my weekend plans for you. I made plans to get off work Friday morning around 0700, and go home and sleep right away, waking around 1-2pm to get up, shower, and pack and head to my little sister's basketball game later that night. I then had plans to head on from her game to my sister's house to watch my two nieces (1 year old and 6 year old) while she worked her 2 overnight shifts this weekend, Saturday morning have to be up and on the road by 7:15am, with the 2 girls to head to their Aunt's basketball tourney, then up and at 'em early Sunday morning to be back for church with my lovely church family in Ulysses.

That was the plan anyway.

So, why the blog? You ask. Here's why.

I got off of work yesterday, had a niece at my house, so of course had to bug her in the morning, and then tossed and turned and was able to finally fall asleep about 10am, then got up at 2pm to shower and get ready for my sister's game. Showered, packed the bag and car, ate some cereal, and hung out with my sister-roomie for a bit, then began my 2-hour jaunt to her game. Little sister's game started at 6pm, I arrived literally as the national anthem was beginning. Boom! Off to a great start! (We won't mention the fight with the one-way and country roads in this miniature town.)

Her game ended and they won, yay! Took off for my oldest sister's house (1 hour drive). Arrived just about 9:45pm, after grabbing some randoms from my storage unit, came to her house and took over for my niece's dad who was watching them until I arrived. He said they had been in bed for about a half hour and both were sleeping. Sweet, I was sad I didn't get to kiss them goodnight, but 2 kiddos already asleep when you arrive for a babysitting gig is an unexpected bonus every time!

I was dozing off to a tv show, so decided bed was calling around midnight. I get up from the couch and go to the bedroom where my nieces are sleeping so I can hear them when they wake, and can't sleep. I toss and turn until 1am, then finally doze off. The youngest one wakes wailing at 2:30am for her mother. She cries for an hour, then finally I give up on the attempt at soothing and we come out to the living room and watch television, I just pray for some peace and quiet, to prevent what happens next. Her sister wakes around 4am and we all hang out. Now it's 5:30am, yup, bath time is happening! They get bathed, meanwhile their mother comes home from work. Wonders why everyone is awake, etc. Gets them out of the bath and dressed while I hop in the shower, then they all lay down for a bit more shut-eye before leaving for yet another set of basketball games this morning, (another hour and half drive, this time with needing to prepare 2 children, packing snacks, extra clothes, diapers, wipes, etc...you get the point.) Plus switching the carseat over from their mom's car to mine, finding socks and shoes, grabbing a blanket for each in case they want to try to sleep on the way this morning, and their coats. Then waking them at 7am to head out.

We arrive, just in time yet again, pulling into the parking lot right in front of my Mom and 2 of my sisters. (If this is confusing by now, I understand. I have 4 sisters. My youngest sister is a sophomore in high school, she is the baller in this story. I have 2 older sisters, oldest has 2 daughters, 2nd oldest has 1 daughter. Older of the younger sisters lives with me at this time.) We head on in, and the games were fun! All 3 of the nieces were great, played together, watched some and cheered their aunt on some, but mostly played together and ran around and consumed snackage. Then, before leaving, got a call from my brother (I have 3 of them, this was the oldest younger brother), asking if our youngest brother was supposed to be helping our father after the games, asked Dad and said he didn't have to, but Dad wanted to run off with the youngest to go check out the local dairy cattle before letting me take off with him (Dad used to work on a dairy farm years ago when we lived in New York). Then I was to snag him up and deliver him to my brother who called requesting him to come ride-along and keep him company while he was hauling manure from a local feed yard. Said feed yard happened to be on my route back to my sister's house. Meanwhile, the younger niece is napping. She napped through that entire escapade and the rest of the way to her mom's house (Probably a 2-hour nap).

We get to my sister's house about 3pm. We all get moved back into the house from the car, and hang out with my sister before she has to leave for work around 5:30pm. She leaves while the nieces are sucked into the tube watching the new Minions movie, so unnoticed by the younger of the two. All is fine and dandy until about 6:40pm. Then the older of the munchkins runs to the restroom to vomit, a couple times. Ah, got to love the vomit! Then she says she feels better. We hang out, she eats some Cheetos because she refused to eat or drink anything else, and answered me multiple times that her tummy felt better. Then we all start getting ready for bed.

Let the crying begin. The younger of the two went to bed first and seemed to be sleeping. Just before the older and I went to bed, the younger is looking for mom again. She loses it, cries, coughs, vomits, cries, coughs, vomits. I pull her from the bedroom and bring her to the living room with me because her sister is almost asleep already. Two vomiting episodes, two pairs of pajamas, three blankets, some carpet scrubbing, one of a couple laundry loads started, and hard-core tongue-biting (by me of course) later, and this aunt spanks her. The vomiting was 100% related to her making herself cough hard enough that she vomited, and she was being a little bit ridiculous, and following the spanking, she cried, then calmed. She talked to me in softer tones, and really wanted to go to bed. But she was still crying off and on, and I knew she would wake her sister.

Then boom, sister appears in the kitchen. She says, 'I know you are mad at my sister.' I told her, 'I am not mad, I am just tired.' She said, 'I heard you spank her.' I said 'Yes, I did because she was throwing a fit, and made herself throw up 3 times!' She then told me, she wishes her 'sister was big, so she wouldn't cry and whine so much,' I said, 'Me too missy!'

She looks as exhausted as I know I feel, and through the tears that are slowly sliding down my cheek I encourage her to lie down on the couch. I reached a breaking point just then and I just let those tears fall. I prayed to God, asking for more patience, because I really needed it, and for rest for all of us soon. I thanked Him for helping me not lose control with the younger one, and thanking Him that I am able to not only spend time with these girls, but that I get to love on them, and help my sister out, and for this rougher insight into motherhood, even if for a couple hours.

We all just talk for a minute, and then big sister proceeds to vomit again, a couple times this time, in the kitchen trash. Poor girl. So we just sit on the couch and hang out, watch some television, hope the younger gets tired, and the older gets feeling better. She vomits a good 3 times more, not much each time, but enough heaving to make me vomit in my mouth. (I know how ridiculous, I am a nurse, I should have it engrained in me to be able to handle this stuff, but no. At work, I have to be professional, so I try and keep the gagging to myself until I step out of the patient's room, no matter the scent or consistency, usually I can keep it together. At home or in my personal life, I have no need to keep it professional, and the gagging gets a rapid onset and no control even attempted.) So after keeping myself from vomiting, I cleaned out her bucket a couple times, then she relaxes on the couch and appears to be dozing off, we all have survived thus far! I glance at the clock and it's 9pm. This is a good thing, because it is still early right? More time for sleep. But also, it's only 9pm. I am usually a positive person, but I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the time, the last 2 hours felt like an eternity already.

9:30pm, the last time the older niece vomited, and I rinsed out her bucket. 9:45pm the time the older niece decides she is ready for bed, and goes to bed, and the younger thinks she is too, then changes her mind, screams and cries for 15 minutes, then decides she is really ready for bed now (I hope!). As I complete this, it is about 10:30 pm. I am wide awake of course and enjoying the peace and quiet for now, though I know I will regret not being able to sleep right now while the kiddos are. But this has been one of the more challenging weekends of babysitting. I am glad it was with my nieces, because had it been anyone else, I would have told them adios tomorrow morning, and promised myself never to come back. These girls are a big part of my world, and I never see them enough.

Tonight was a challenge for me, but I prevailed, and all three of us survived! PRL! So, just throwing this caution out there for all y'all that may run into me tomorrow at any given time, I am sorry. I may be a grouch, I may be exhausted, and the smile may be forced, but I will do my best to have it present. For now, I am going to bed, counting my blessings, and thanking God for these two beautiful young girls. I know no matter what happened here tonight, next time I see their face, they will be glowing and their mouths spewing "Aunt Rachy!" And the struggle of this weekend will be but a grain of salt in my sea of memories.

:) You can't really tell here, but they are both sleeping soundly. It's 11pm. I'm out.