When I gave it all to God, He gave me the desires of my heart, I thought

Many of you may know I have been actively searching both in person and on dating sites, for a husband. I have prayed, cried, laughed, enjoyed, despised and just simply struggled so much with my singleness. A couple years back, I was heading in to church early each Sunday to pray over the service with the Pastor and associate pastor. The lead pastor at the church I was attending at that time, almost every single Sunday made a point of praying over the marriages and relationships in the church, that they be blessed and flourish as God intends. Then immediately following he would send up a prayer for those who are called to be single. I remember weeping each time, God please, let that not be me. Please, Lord, show me what You wish for me in my life, and please God let it be a spouse and motherhood.

On October 2016 I wrote (in a yet unpublished blog) 'When I was talking to God this morning, I told Him, 'I feel as though I could make it work with anyone. I know there is not just that 1 perfect guy out there, but how do I empty more of (the man I had previously fallen for at the time) out of my heart, so I can fit more of the man I am meant to marry in there?' I hope He knows I was sincere. I mean it. I prayed that in the bright dawn of the morning after getting off work the day before. Then later that day, I prayed this ' Dear Lord, please help me. For the sake of my future husband, be it (current man I was chatting with), or someone else. Please help me fix my eyes on You.' I was really struggling to make it through what I would consider the darkest chapter in my life.

Fast forward…..

Around June 2019, after years on being on dating sites, after years of always checking the left hand of every man I came into contact with that I remotely found interest in, after praying and praying and praying for what I wanted, for the man I just knew He had for me out there in this world. I gave it all to God. I gave my singleness. I gave Him my relationship status. I gave Him everything. I wept and wept on my knees in my bedroom, but I told God. If You want me to be single, if that is what I am called to be, then I will be happy single. This means, having children is also not in my future, and I was ready and willing to accept that if it be His will for me.

I feel like you read that I prayed and told God whatever He wanted for me to do, I was okay with that. But no, because that is what I told Him before. This time, I WANTED what He wanted for me. I wanted what He wanted. I had total acceptance of whatever He wanted. I was ready to be single, I was ready to die single whenever my time came. I was ready to continue to expel all this motherly love I knew was inside of me upon my nieces and nephews, my friends' kids, kiddos at church, the rare pediatric patient at work. I was fully open and honest with God. He knows what I want, and He knows what His plan is for me. I told Him, though I do not know Your plans for me, Lord, help me glorify You in any way I can until you make Your plans for me known to me.

Right before leaving on this vacation, as I was perusing the (3 currently) dating sites I had profiles up on, I realized jut how tired I was of doing that. How time consuming it is, and how frustrating, because the area I live in, I was not matched with anyone even remotely close. They would be states away (aka, light years). I had basically given up hope, but one of the apps, eHarmony, I had paid for, so wasn't going to give up hope on yet. The other 2 were free sites. I was super picky on who I respond to and who I initiate contact with. I wasn't desperate, I have and had standards. I was careful on what info I had on my profile, and what information I shared with the men I communicated with.

The night I got back from vacationing with my family in New York, I was laying on the floor, trying to get to sleep, as church was going to come early in the morning after our long drive back, hopped on one of the dating sites I had a profile up on. The app itself on my phone was giving me fits, so I was accessing the site on a web browser, which was pretty annoying honestly, and then also did not notify me of any contact being made by prospects. Late that night I was responding to messages from poor saps that found it within them to send me some, when I saw a profile in the bar across the top of the inbox page. I clicked on said profile, quickly skimming, as I always did before initiating any contact, found it to be a young man who attended a baptist church, who was my age, divorced with children, and lived 175 miles away. (Another thing I would always do, once their location was known if not expressed on their profile, I would see just how far the commute would be, how hard or easy it would be to maintain a relationship over that distance.) I thought, okay, a 3-hour drive, not bad, could be worse. So I sent him a 'flirt.' And wouldn't you know it, this crazy man responded. Initially, I always ask, do you make an attempt to attend Sunday services in your church? Are you actively involved in your church? Were you raised in church? Along with the usual, what do you do? How many siblings?

After a couple messages, I had to let this man know, that I would be back on sometime tomorrow, but I was super tired, and church was in the morning, I wanted to get some rest before the alarm went off.  It took me several hours to respond to each message over the next couple of days, because I was having to do it in the browser, again, a nuisance. So on day 3 of our conversing, he asked if it would be easier to text, which OF COURSE yes it would be.

Now a lot of people don't like to give out their phone #s, or think it awkward or too forward if done so early. I didn't know a whole lot about this man, but I have never hesitated with giving out my number when I knew this was someone I was interested in. If needed, ALWAYS in the future I can block any number in the world. This has never been an issue or concern for me, so I gave it to him, and he gave me his, and there commenced quicker responses and deeper questions.

Tuesday July 9th, 2017, day 3 of our conversing, was our first phone call, 2 hours and 23 minutes of non-stop conversation. It flowed easily, the questions pouring freely, answers coming quickly. We talked from about 9:30pm until midnight, then decided we better part ways (because he is a cool kid who has to work a 'normal schedule' Mon-Fri. Before hanging up, we had made plans to meet, Friday the 19th, around noon (he works 1/2 days on Fridays), I could leave and be there easily around that time. I worked Wed and Thursday nights, and we were super busy until the wee hours of the morning ( I mean why not, I just got back from vacay, slam me with some admits y'all!) and was unable to talk on the phone with him, only texting. Then Friday night, was able to catch a break at work, and converse with him after my patients were in bed for the night. When I got off the phone that night, I walked back to the nurse's station and told the CNA that I was working with that I was going to marry this man. I told her, I have such a peace about this soon-to-be relationship, I know that this is who God has had me waiting for, who God has been preparing me for in my single 'season.' We talked on the phone for hours and hours over those first couple weeks. Facetiming whenever we could.

The countdown was on. Friday couldn't come fast enough. On the way to Pampa, I texted my mother and told her what was happening. She said, I hope he is coming to you. I explained why I straight up offered to go to him, (his kids would be at the babysitter, I would never expect him to drive 3 hours one way and then straight back to get his kids from the sitter, the time frame wasn't plausible and I am more considerate than pushing that on a single dad). My alarm woke me up, I rose, hopped in the shower, then got dressed, in a dress I knowingly would not wear on the date to meet this man for the first time. While chatting on the phone the night before, he gave me his address, said he thought it would be easier if we met at his house rather than driving all over town in separate vehicles that afternoon. I was a nervous wreck on that drive. At some point when I had a little less than an hour left, he tried to facetime me. Thank goodness I didn't have very good service. I pulled over and threw on the dress he was about to see me in face to face. (Only to pull into the walmart parking lot later and be so greatful I had packed a backup, because I changed my mind on which one I was going to wear.) Mind you I have never been that girl that changes her outfit 6-8 times before a date or an outing. But that day, I packed a backup. For good reason, he later pointed out that my dress was pretty. One of the first of many compliments he would bestow on me over our time spent dating.

I pulled into town around 11:30, our date was set to be around noon, but he called and said he was still a good half hour away, so I said, okay, I'll just explore Pampa. He said, okay, if you get lost just call me and I'll come save you. My nerves really weren't a wreck anymore, somewhere from deep within a calm took over. Eventually I meandered back to his house, saw what I thought was his work vehicle a couple blocks from his house. He pulled up, I took a breath, hopped out, and hugged this man who I was convinced would be the one by my side until death did us part. We went inside, he changed out of his work clothes, and got a quick tour of his casa, then I met his dog, and off to lunch we went. Conversation flowed easily. I texted my best friend and said he is EXACTLY what I expected after our many facetimes. He was kind. He was hilarious. We enjoyed our time together. Went back to his house and watched a movie (def recommend it, was called The Encounter) we discussed the perks of the movie and what we liked about it. The movie was over, and he was like, well, what now? Want to go drive around some more? Sure! We drove around, he showed me the town he grew up in, where he went to school, where his parents lived, etc. Then we headed back to his house, as it was about time for him to go get his kiddos, and time for me to leave. (BOOO way too fast.)

Before we got back to his house, he says, I want to pray over this relationship before you go. We went back, I prayed over us, thanked God for a perfect day and safe travels, and for this man that He had allowed to intersect my path in life. Then after I finished my prayer, he says amen, and says, I'm sorry, but I have to kiss you. Commence our first kiss. Then he said a prayer over our relationship, I of course had tears welling in my eyes throughout his entire prayer. THIS. This is what I had been longing for. This is what I had been missing before, what I had been settling for less than of. This man was everything and more I had always wanted to find in a man. He loves my God. He is a great father. He takes his kiddos to church, because he WANTS to. I left his house, much too soon, and not enough hugs later, and made my way home.

Once I made it past the outskirts of town, I pulled over yet again, to do a wardrobe change on the side of the road. Then proceeded to marco polo my 3 best friends and text updates to family members. I wept. I cried stupid happy tears about how stupid happy I was and how stupid perfect he was. I prayed, I thanked God over and over again for this new light that had made an entrance into my life.

Tuesday the 23rd, babysitter's hubs was having a heart cath, so being a single father, he had no choice but to stay home with his kiddos. I told him I had asked the little sis about taking her and my niece who was staying with us that week about going down to meet him, and he says, well why don't we come up there? And I can see your house, etc! Of course I was ecstatic to have him, but also had a LOT of cleaning to hustle up and finish before his arrival that next morning! As well as some mowing and weeding of the forest that had started to take over my backyard while I was on vacation to NY to see family.

I went down to see him one more time I believe. I had some hesitations. He had told me, right out the gate, that he’d had a vasectomy, and could no longer have children of his own. I had had a little time to process this. Initially, I said, okay, that’s okay. Maybe I am not meant to bear my own children. Maybe we can adopt, etc. But as the days passed, I was less and less at ease with this decision, that I might be okay with not having any children. I poured my heart out to God, and then to the man who is the star of this post, and we in fact parted ways. 

I learned things of myself, and of relationships, from that time. I learned that it is a lot of give and take, but also give. I learned that distance is not impossible, and in fact, can work, depending on both parties. I learned that God has some truly great men in the world, and that all of them are not meant for me, no matter how great they are. I learned that the heart can in fact be deceitful, and that there should be such a peace about your decisions when it comes to future spouses and the rest of your life, and I was not having any of that peace toward the end, which made it clear that the decision to stop wasting each others' time was the right one. I learned to rely on God even more than I had been before. I learned a lot of myself, of how past relationships had ruined some things for me, which would have been perfect, had I not had those experiences in the back of my mind when I came to similar instances in the next relationship. I learned that some men in fact can be trusted with the deepest parts of my heart. That some men won't overstep my boundaries constantly, testing me every time we would hang out without others around. I learned that some men can truly be great, and truly not be for me. 

Many ask how in fact I could possibly still be a virgin today, 34 years into life on this earth. The honest truth, sometimes it is really hard. The temptation is great at times. But I made a vow to God and myself at a young age, and it was something I took very seriously. It may seem prudish or old-fashioned in this day and age, but I'd committed to honoring God and saving myself for marriage. I used to make jokes about being a 40 year old virgin, but that may very well be my destiny. I don't know what God has in store for me, and I truly pray every day that that is not how my life pans out. I desire a husband, I desire children. But I also desire a deeper relationship with Christ, and all this time being single has given me time to work on that. Although, I also pray for a spouse to be doing that along side with. But the grass is always greener. I'm content in my grass right now, and hopeful of more. 


He brought me up from a desolate pit,

out of the muddy clay,

and set my feet on a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and they will trust in the Lord. -- Psalm 40:2-3 (CSB)

Started July 28th 2019

This Bathroom Issue

This is already an old topic, but a good one. And one that constantly is brought up, and constantly needs addressed. All of my life, if you were a lady you used the women's restroom, and obviously the reciprocal, if you're male, go squat on the throne in the men's room. Nowadays, many in our nation and world go with what they 'feel.' If a person 'feels' like they are a man or woman, then they will use such bathroom. No sir. The Bible tells us:

(note: all the following verses are pulled from The Christian Standard Bible, or CSB, unless otherwise noted)

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female.'

No question here, no confusion, clean, cut and dry, male and female. 

Deuteronomy 22:5 'A woman is not to wear male clothing, and a man is not to put on a woman's garment, for everyone who does these things is detestable to the LORD your God.'

I was talking to a man from a town I used to live in, and he seemed like a sound Christian man, who was doing the best for his kids, as best he knew. He was divorced, and told me that his ex wife in fact was not okay with his wanting to dress up as a woman in the bedroom. And, I can say with certainty, that I too would not have been okay with that. The fact that he was partaking in these cross dressing activities was a huge red flag, not only to any future relationship, but also to his relationship with Christ, or the lack thereof that had to exist. 

Leviticus 20:13 'If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable act. They must be put to death, their death is their own fault.'

Again, this is so simple, a child can understand. Being gay or homosexual, is not Biblical, and is not okay. 

Matthew 19:4 'Haven't you read,' he replied, 'that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female,'

Very clear, male and female. 

Mark 10:6-8 'But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh.' 

How does this happen? Simply marriage, and they become one flesh in the marriage bed. 

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 'Don't you know that the unrighteous will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be deceived: No sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, or males who have sex with males, no thieves, greedy people, drunkards, verbally abusive people, or swindlers will inherit God's kingdom. And some of you used to be like this. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.'

What sinners we are, and how filthy we were, but those of us in Christ, we have been sanctified. We no longer live under the sin, no longer live under the guilt. What a relief for us, and what an encouragement for those that are not under Him, to come on in. Rest easy, give Him your burdens. We will continue to sin, we are human. We will continue to acquire burdens, but oh He carries us. 

Genesis 3:16 'He said to the woman, 'I will intensify your labor pains; you will bear children with painful effort. Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you.' 

Genesis 1:28 'God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.'

He said to who in 3:16? The woman. Men don't bear children, men don't labor the child out of the womb. Men don't have wombs. There is absolutely NOTHING confusing about this. How can a man with a man be fruitful, not at all. 

1 Peter 3:7 'Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. '

Genesis 5:2 'he created them male and female. When they were created, he blessed them and called them mankind.'

Genesis 2:18-24 'Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him.” The Lord God formed out of the ground every wild animal and every bird of the sky, and brought each to the man to see what he would call it. And whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the livestock, to the birds of the sky, and to every wild animal; but for the man no helper was found corresponding to him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to come over the man, and he slept. God took one of his ribs and closed the flesh at that place. Then the Lord God made the rib he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And the man said:

    This one, at last, is bone of my bone

    and flesh of my flesh;

    this one will be called “woman,”

    for she was taken from man. 

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

What I know, is that the Bible is very clear/distinct when it comes to male and female, and what I also know, per the reference just below this, found in 1 Corinthians 14:33, is that God is not the author of confusion. The KJV states, 'God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.' 

Genesis 1:26-28 'Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.” 

    So God created man in his own image;

    he created him in the image of God;

    he created them male and female. 

God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.”  

Matthew 19:4-6 “Haven’t you read,” he replied,“that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and he also said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” 

Colossians 3:11 In Christ there is not Greek and Jew, circumcision and uncircumcision, barbarian, Scythian, slave and free; but Christ is all and in all. 

1 Corinthians 11:8-12 For man did not come from woman, but woman came from man. 9 Neither was man created for the sake of woman, but woman for the sake of man. This is why a woman should have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, and man is not independent of woman. For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman, and all things come from God.

And the end all be all for this discussion, we should strive to be better Christians, better humans. We are not called to be judges, we are chosen to praise God, in all we do, say, and who we are. In 1 Peter 2:9, we read, 'But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession, so that you may proclaim the praises of the one who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.' May we do ALL we can to attempt to be worthy, though without Christ's sacrifice we could never possibly be, but let us now that we are sanctified and made worthy through Him, exemplify a life of good example for those around us. A life likened to Christs'. A life worthy of being called a follower of Christ. A life worthy of being in a royal family. But on the flip-side, don't live a life worthy of being called a follower of Christ to bring praise and glory and fame to your name, BUT to bring glory to the One who deserves it. God Almighty, the King of kings. 

I know someone who once told me that she felt like she never had a father growing up. When in fact she resided in a home with her father, but did not feel like she had a reliable fatherly figure. Earthly fathers are just as human and inadequate as the next person. But, when we are exposed to the failure and shortcomings of the fathers we are given on earth, all the more reason to look up to our Father who will never fall short, the Heavenly Father. 

When we come across people that are confused about their genders, or confused about who they are, or where they belong, or people who did not have strong fathers in the home, or good examples of fathers in their lives. God is there, His Word rings true for all. Have we established that the lgtbq etc alphabet community are in fact mislead? Yes. God did in fact not make a people to be confused, unsure, etc with themselves. He made men and women. He made men for women, and women for men. He made woman to desire a man, and man to desire a woman. To be helpmates, to be partners, to be fruitful and multiply. When a man is with a man, there is no multiplying. When a woman is with a woman, there is no multiplying. God made us how He made us, and that's the way we are meant to be. We as women are meant to want a relationship with a man. Men are made to want a relationship with a woman. When we come across humans that are confused on their gender, or what sex they are attracted to, we can know it is from the devil, not God. 

While we have established that in fact their thinking does not align with the Bible. While we can know that what they are doing is wrong, it is not our job on this earth isn’t to be on His jury to dole out the punishments we think we see fit or the “karma” that should roll around. If that were the case, that’d be a pretty sinful, hypocritical, biased jury wouldn’t it? I surely wouldn’t belong on that panel. We can disagree with what they are doing, and it not be hateful. Love does not mean approval. We can let them know they are going down the wrong path, and encourage them, as Jesus did to the woman at the well, ‘go and sin no more.’ (John 8:11b) God wants them to be whole and clear minded. 

I’m grateful that we have a loving Savior and a gracious Heavenly Father who sees all things, just as we do, but who also sees the heart and can be the perfect judge. I’m grateful that when I feel the inclination to judge and be offended, He reminds me that I’m overstepping my bounds and that I shouldn’t judge lest I be judged likewise.

In James 4:12 it says so simply, “There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?”

And in Galatians 6:7 it reminds us that He sees all and will take care of it even better than we could: “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

It’s so hard to remember this, especially when our first inclination as human beings is to defend what we feel is right and to “correct” the wrongs that we see. I think we sometimes have the nasty habit of sniffing out wrongs like hound dogs and forgetting the things we still have to work on. I think we have a duty as Christians. Can we show them the truth in His Word, and encourage them to repent and turn from their sins and sinful living? Yes. But can we accomplish that in a loving way? Also yes, but it will take compassion, and an understanding from you that it is not your job to turn them from their lives of sin, that it is in God's hands. Talk with them, educate/encourage/instruct them, and leave it to God. Be a good example of a loving Christian, pray for them, be a resource for them. And show them God's love, while also letting them know they are indulging in sinful life and sinful behavior. Show them the love that God wants for them, that He made them perfect, and that this confusion is not from God, but rather from Satan. Pray with them that God would make all these things clear to them, and heal them of this sickness.

At the end of the day, if you were born with a vag*na, use the women's restroom. If you were born with a pen*s, use the men's restroom, it truly is that simple, and nothing outside of that should be allowed or forced to be accepted by anyone. 

Thank You, for being you

{Oftentimes I hop in here, write up a post, and then don’t share it. Sometimes I come back, read it, wonder why I never shared it, and post it then. This is one of those posts, one of those moments, years later.} 

We didn't date that long. And it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns. It was a lot of turmoil. A lot of heartache. A lot of tears shed, histories shared. Enlightened on each other's past mistakes, past heartaches. Past hurts and struggles. I feel like we shared everything. I did anyways. I had told you more than anyone else in my past dating life. I told you those things, because I was betting on us.

I was hoping we would make it. I want you to know that. I poured out my heart, my fears, my failures, my joys because I wanted you and I to finish life on this earth together. I imagined you being my next chapter. I imagined us with kids. I imagined us arguing, resolving issues, and fighting for each other. Fighting for our love and life together to last. I wanted God to want that for me, for us.

When we were together, you did the best you could. You were the best boyfriend you knew how to be. You loved as well as you knew how. You loved beyond love you'd ever felt in return before.

So thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sticking with me while it lasted. Thank you for loving me as best you knew how.  We were overwhelmed with life. Stressors piling up around us burying us, and we forgot how to share those weights with each other. We slowly forgot how to talk to each other. I forgot how well you listen, and let everything build up inside until I was beyond return.

Sorry. Sorry that we weren't meant to be. Sorry that I wasn't the one for you. Sorry for how hard I made things. Sorry I realized a lot of big things a little too late. Sorry that I could not return the love you had shown for me.

i forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me.

You were sorry. I’ve been sorry. I forgive you, and I forgive me. 

I forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me.

If you know a few things about me, you know a few things that happened in 2022. I talk about 2022, as though it was the hardest year of my life, and it was. Nothing that happened in that time was in my control or by my hand, but I was in the depths of those worst moments, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All aspects of them, I was there. I lived them fully, and felt them deeply. 

Back in 2014 into a good portion of 2015, that was a horrible time, though less horrible in hindsight, equally horrible in the moment, though less traumatizing, than my 2022.  Many of my hardships were at my own hand, my choices, my actions. Again, I was there, in the depths, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I was there, and I felt deeply, and lived fully. 

I often tell my dear friends, you cannot compare traumas, you cannot compare deaths/losses. Even in your own life, you cannot compare one loss to another, one traumatic moment to another. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ {Theodore Roosevelt} The hard moments, the circumstances around them will vary, and you must believe, God is working it all out for HIS good, to those that love Him. Jesus said, if You love me You will keep My commands. [John 14:15 ESV] I was not living a life loving Christ, I was sinning, left and right, knowingly, repetitively, and i suffered the consequences, deeply. And God used it, is still using it, for His good.

A lot of firsts were happening in that time. 

I got my first big girl job.

First time going to a church in this new city i would soon call home. 

First time moving to a new place, and not having at least of handful of friends there first. Two. I had two friends here, well, one rather. 

First time starting a job with coworkers I didn’t know. I’d met one before applying, she was the reason i applied, but i didn’t know her. 

First time i felt skinny, and believed it when they called me beautiful. 

First time i lived in a city without a sibling for the first time. 

Lived alone and on my own for the first time.

Bought my first home, a year after the first summer i spent completely unemployed since before jr high. 

First time i ever slept on/owned a brand new mattress. 

First time i truly appreciated leos and the risk and sacrifice they take/make daily, especially after getting to personally know a handful of them. 

Got to know the first true guy friend i’ve ever come to know.

First time i fell, in love. (not in God’s will mind you.)

And lastly, the nadir of this story:

The first time, i believe, i deeply hurt a sister in Christ. I mean, deeeeeply hurt, not physically, but yet an equally emotionally and spiritually debilitating, crushing pain. Nothing is irreparable by Christ, but the relationship was immediately cut off, rightfully so, and she has not spoken to or messaged me since. 

The first time i realized i had hurt God, by hurting His precious daughter. 

There were a lot of firsts that year, basically a 12-month span almost exactly. There were also a lot of lasts, as you can imagine, intentionally so. I realized today, i’ve spent a decade of my life rolling these things around in my head, for no reason necessarily, except to think on them, the memories. 

The good, the bad, and the oh so utterly ugly. 

You ever come across a video, or listen to a group sing, and hone in on one person’s voice, or a particular part, melody, harmony, tenor, what have you? I came across a video this evening, and i already was listening intently, because I know some of the singers, I knew it would be great music. But i honed in, on one familiar voice, and that and the choice song, i started crying. I just started thinking about that time, preparing for my first home. Navigating this new town, new church, with my new friends. All the things. There has been remorse. There has been repentance. God has given grace and forgiveness, but I still held things over myself, and unknowingly, over my friend, who apologized many years ago. Last night, I started mentally processing alllll the things i had done, and people i hurt during those times, and i just wept. 

And then.

I simply whispered, ‘i forgive you.’ He couldn’t hear me, but i forgave him. And then, i muttered, ‘and i forgive me,’ before the sobs took my breath away and my shoulders shuddered. 

I forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me. I know neither of us are the same we were that year. Though i don’t know you personally any more, it used to make me shake to my core thinking on such things as losing you as my friend, i know you are a better person today, by the grace of God, as i hope i am too. 

Quit kidding yourself.

Quit Kidding Yourself

"Quit kidding yourself. We must understand the tremendous capacity of every human being to deceive him or herself when not connected to God. You and I don't really have the anchor in our lives that we need to overcome the temptations that are shot our way on a daily basis. Know that once we start making excuses for sin, each excuse seems more plausible, and you'll sink deeper and deeper into sin and ruin. We must admit that we cant trust ourselves apart from God. Sure, sometimes God tests us, but the choice is ours. Will we choose to obey Him?"  
*(movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013)

Having an affair is a humiliating thing to open up about. At least it is for me, and should be for anyone who has been a part of one. It is humiliating that I, a young Christian woman who thought my walk with God was headed where He wanted me, who thought my spiritual welfare was in check, who read my Bible (never often enough), who went to church every Sunday, who had a great relationship with everyone who knew me, and who was of such a light and kind spirit, could be capable of such a thing. Someone who finds joy in being able to get a smile out of any and everyone, either with her contagious smile, stupid quirks and dumb jokes, or a good squeeze. (I'm a hugger). But yes, even I, who thought it was so condescending when people would warn me that this may happen, that our friendship threw up flags to them, and that we should be careful. Even I, who just knew I would never stoop so low as to threaten a marriage, threaten a couple's spirit. Even I, who would spend so much time with the wife of this friend, just knowing that I would never be able to hurt her like that. 

Even I. 

I crossed the line between okay and not-so-much-anymore, well a long time ago. I couldn't even tell you when I stopped trying to convince myself that I didn't wish with all my heart that he was a single man that I could pursue. I don't know when I started trying to convince myself that everything I was saying and doing was okay. I don't know when each little thing happened that made me feel differently towards him. I just know it happened. The impossible happened, and the even more impossible was made less black and white, and a little more gray and fuzzy. I blurred those lines in my mind, by choice. And when those lines got blurred, it is from then on that I began to regret things. Not so much then, but now. Now that I know what I know, now that I have a glimpse of the amount of hurt I caused upon that family. Now that I have the limitations put forth before me, now that I have no communication with that best friend. Now that I don't get to love on those girls, now that I don't get to be over for supper whenever I was invited, or felt like inviting myself. Now that all trust has been lost. 

Now, I regret. 

Where regret was due, and should have been felt, after each step too far, each inch that I crossed the line farther and farther, no, there it was not felt, there I threw water on it and doused that fire that was illuminating each of my sins.

When God describes marriage, in the very beginning of time, He makes it clear that the marriage relationship between a husband and his wife was to be made the number one human relationship from the time the vows are exchanged on. A one-of-a-kind, intimate human relationship. And what God says goes, what God says should not be fabricated or altered or ignored for my own personal wants.

It begins...

It starts out innocent, or so you think. We are human, and we can't choose who we are attracted to, whether it be physical or emotional. What we can choose to control is the actions we choose to partake in and the words we choose to say. While being on either end has its downfalls, it is always the one who was betrayed that suffers most. The partner that strayed, and the person of the opposite sex with whom the partner strayed for/with, they suffer, especially after being found out, but not like the one who was betrayed. Now some would say an affair is not officially an affair until the betrayers have had sex. Well, I do not believe that to be true. There are physical affairs, which are affairs even before intercourse has happened, but there are also emotional affairs. These can tend to have a harsher effect on the betrayed. Either way the impact is at least the same, if not even more significant when pertaining to an emotional affair. You know what will usually happen once an emotional affair has started occurring? Well, all that time that it was beginning to brew, the restraint required to not cross the physical line was less. Now, with an emotional affair starting, there is history shared, chemistry, there are feelings between the two, making the physical affair require that much more self restraint to abstain from. 

And even if emotions had not been shared between us, if we had kept them to ourselves, we still had sinned. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." ~Matthew 5:27-28

Some things that come along with an affair, other than the obvious, sin, are guilt, lies, and lost trust. Once you tell a lie, and the receiver of this lie learns the truth, they will never again know for sure if you are telling the truth. They will forever wonder if they can trust you, and quite possibly may never be able to again, especially when it comes to the circumstances or moments that led up to the lie and betrayal. 

Now, speaking for myself, having been caught up in a vicious circle of what I would consider an emotional affair, because that it was, no facade here, no smoke screen. I was full-on partaking in a horrible thing that could have potentially ruined an amazing family, one that I had grown to love, I could have forever tarnished the image of a man who was and is such a man of God. I hurt, deeply hurt, a wife that I had grown to enjoy the company of, yet wished so much that we could trade places, that I could have her life.

I don't know what went through my mind, I can't explain how I convinced myself daily that everything I said and felt was okay and wasn't going to hurt anyone in the end. I can't explain why the friendship was surpassed. I can't explain it at all. And that's okay. Because this is in the past, and should emotions arise ever again in a situation where I know God does not want me acting on them, I have learned (now, too late, and so sorry) to keep them to myself, and stifle them. If God doesn't want me to act upon the emotions that are growing inside, then that leads me to think that I shouldn't even have those emotions. The rational part of my brain saw the situation one way, but the emotional part of my heart saw them differently. I got caught up in the emotion, where instead I should have asked Jesus to help me down the higher road. Feelings should be indicators not dictators. They can indicate that there are some emotions I am experiencing that need processed, but they shouldn't dictate how I act when faced with such emotions or situations. But I let the emotions get the best of me. 

On one hand, this was my best friend. The bond between us was beyond meant to be! When we met, there were no intentions beyond a possible friendship. We were twins from different parents, so incredibly like-minded. I just knew this friendship was destined to blossom! God had hand-picked this random guy from another state, brought him to a birthday camping trip at the lake, and so began the short journey of what I knew was going to be a forever friendship.

The day we got "found out": Okay, she wasn't stupid, before that day flags went up all around her, and she would either ignore them, or confront him about them, and she was assured that nothing was or was going to happen. She was married to him, she knew this man, inside and out, she trusted him, loved him. Both of us women are haters of conflict and confrontation, yet that is exactly what I had forced upon her with my emotions, actions, and intentions with her husband. Conflict is messy, emotional, and exhausting. And though this confrontation was not in person, (I don't think it was any easier on me that it wasn't, but I am sure for her through the phone was the best option, as she had to choose one, given the circumstances of the place that I put her in with this relationship that had crossed boundaries) it was still emotionally draining. 

My nightmare had become a reality, as I am sure was the same for her. A woman who loved her husband so much, and rested so easily upon their vows to each other, and their faith in God, and trusted me, as a friend, not to surpass the boundaries that were understood. I had become her nightmare. I was the other woman. I was the woman who had led her husband astray. 

I, of course and understandably so, was exiled. No communication with my best friend. No going to their home, no holding or loving on their kids in church. Everything that had become a norm for me in this time in my life, all was thrown in the fire and disintegrated in one phone call because of the acts that I had done in the months leading up to that day. 

I will never forget. I will never forget missing the 2 phone calls, as I was vacuuming my new home, my ringer was off and the phone in the other room. I will never forget seeing 2 missed calls from her, and in my naive-ness, thinking, "oh, she is probably inviting me over for lunch and to hang out with her and the kiddos!" Because that is the relationship I perceived between us, prior to this event. That was the relationship that I hoped she too saw between us. 

I will never forget what happened when I called her back, starting with my reasons for missing her call, and then hearing her unravel on me. I will never forget the anger in her voice, the genuine hurt and disgust, the daggers of truth that she threw with her voice that hit in just the right spot, to inflict in me at least some of the pain she was feeling, as was deserved. It was a phone call made out of anger, anger that I had been the root cause of. I know that was by far the worst phone call she had ever had to make in her life, and hopefully the worst phone call she will ever have to make. I cannot verbally express how sorry I have been, from that moment, even up to this day. How much my heart has broke for her, even though I was the cause of the pain and heartache that she was experiencing, I hurt for her. Maybe it was BECAUSE I was the reason behind the pain and anger. And let me tell you, that alone was enough to drive a person mad. I despise knowing that I have caused someone else any hurt at all, physical or emotional. I am not that person, but somehow, little by little, I had let myself become that person, and totally convinced myself that what I was doing was fine and okay.

So you may ask, how does someone who sees herself as a nice, kind, Christian women, let herself get months deep into emotions and words that should never have been expressed or shared? Well it's simple, it is scary how simple it is. It didn't happen all at once. One small thing was felt and shared, then another, and then the surprise would go down and wear off, and then something else would happen, again surprise, but it would lessen and lessen, and then I would get accustomed to these things being okay, so no longer did the next emotions, actions, or words surprise me, they became accepted and anticipated, exciting and okay, even encouraged. 

"Actually women are more susceptible to this kind of thing than men are. I know it sounds odd, but they call it emotional adultery. It usually goes this way. Maybe a woman is unhappy in her marriage. Maybe she's bored. Maybe she is just going through some kind of mid-life crisis. The point is there doesn't necessarily have to be anything wrong in her life. The next thing you know she starts talking to somebody in her Zumba class, or it could be a co-worker in the next cubicle over. It could be just somebody she sees at a school bus stop every morning. It can happen anywhere, anytime. They start out as friends, you know. Next thing you know, they're talking about common interests. That leads to more personal discussions about you name it, intimate struggles, doubts, feelings, fears, the kinda things that should be intended exclusively for a marriage relationship. They haven't even met in person, so how is it an affair? She thinks---she believes that she's gonna have a future with this guy, one brighter than the one she has with...with me."
*(another movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013)

This goes out to the other "other woman" out there that may be reading this. Stop now. You may feel like that will be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life, or maybe that the task is daunting or impossible, because you think you are so in love with this man. Trust me, I know, I have been there. I thought the end of the world was just around the corner. But, that man is taken. That man has already given his heart away to his bride. God has already placed someone in that man's life for him to love on and cherish, and you are stealing some of that, and you don't deserve it. You are hurting their relationship together, you are hurting him emotionally, you may be hurting him spiritually as well, because imagine how much time he is spending talking to or even with you, at least that much time has been wasted, and I mean wasted, because that time could have been better spent with God, or his wife and family, could have been invested in his relationships that matter most. Relationships that aren't tempting him beyond what he knows is right.

Stopping the communication may feel like the end of the world in the beginning, but let me tell you who helps with that feeling, He is amazing, and all-powerful, and all-knowing, and He loves you so much He sent His only Son to bleed out on a cross for you. Say His name over and over. Spend time in His Word. Pray, pray, pray. I can't stress enough how praying and spending time with a good solid Bible-believing and preaching church family has helped me heal emotionally and grow spiritually. Satan loses a major battle when we stop questioning what's wrong with certain choices but instead we start asking what's right with them. 

I don't write this to degrade the cheating man. We all know cheating is wrong, but I don't point a single finger at the man in my story, because I know I am just as guilty, if not more than. I pray for him, I pray for their marriage, I pray for myself, and the poor poor man that I may get to call my husband someday. I pray for wisdom, for when that man and I meet, to tell him of this sin that I have done, the pain it caused me, and the open wound in my heart I still have for my friend's wife. And the hole I have in my heart, because take away the emotions, take away the betrayal, take away all of that, he was my best friend. I told him everything, I can say with 100% honesty that he was the one person I can say I have been most open and honest to in my entire life. I pray that I will learn from this, and that this path will never again appeal to me, that when I see the same signs on a different road, I will turn back, and leave up the barriers, in fact, augment them higher, and make them high-definition to be even more clear. 

"What is faithfulness? The world has one definition. God has another. This can be a problem when it comes to marital fidelity. We try to rationalize what faithfulness is. Jesus made a powerful statement. He said if you look on a woman with lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery.  You see, we try to rationalize with thoughts like, "Well, it's okay. Everybody's doing it," and "It's okay as long as you don't get caught." When we innocently facilitate arrangements, for instance, to be with people of the opposite sex who are not our spouse and we put it under the guise of a business meeting, that's sin. We're headed in the wrong direction. When we rationalize our thoughts about another person, we're diluting ourselves. If we find ourselves fantasizing or manipulating events, it's time to make a very fast U-turn. See, that same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. We need to daydream about our spouse. We need to remember our wedding vows. We need to ask ourselves, if there is something that we can do today, this week, right now to remind our spouse of the intimate relationship that we were called to have together? We need to daydream about what attracted us to our spouse in the first place. See, God tells us specifically about how to think. He says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure and lovely and admirable, if there's anything excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
*(movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013) 

As much as that pertains to the married couple themselves, it also pertains to the person on the outside who is being the temptation for such behavior. I don't think Jesus just liked to hear Himself talk, I think this was a warning. And how dare I sit and mock the institution God has ordained as marriage, how dare I have been caught up in this awful sin. Well let me tell you, I let the emotions I was caught up in overwhelm and dissolve the fear of being caught, disintegrate the parts of my brain and mind that knew what I was doing was wrong. God has not and will not tempt you beyond what you can handle with His help.

The only way out is through it. God has given you the strength you need, if not in yourself, then in those around you, in your loved ones, in your church family, in your place of employment. I have found people in all those places that helped me back on my feet, that helped me jumpstart my healing. People that have only offered encouragement and hope rather than the despair, disdain, and embarrassment that I know I deserve(d).

I thought writing this would be cathartic for me. But just reminds me of an awful thing I did. I am beyond ashamed of what I did, and have suffered for it daily. I know God has forgiven me, as I have repented, over and over. Once was enough, and turning and changing my ways. But I have so much trouble grasping the concept of forgiveness when asking for it for having done something so awful, and being so undeserving. I think it is so hard for me to grasp the concept of forgiveness from God because I have yet to forgive myself.

God Is On The Move - 7eventh Time Down    Cathedrals - Tenth Avenue North

I wasn't married when I went through this. When I put my dear friends through this. Since then I found and read many many stories and blogs, mostly by Christians, who have gone through the same thing, on all 3 sides. restoredthroughgrace.com
 http://www.restoredthroughgrace.com/2012/10/02/immeasurable-grace/

9/2015

Happily Ever Never

Thy will, make it my will, God.

This was such a hard concept for me to grasp and retain. I had prayed the prayer over and over, but still had this unsettling lack of joy deep in my soul about my relationship status. When would my happily ever after happen? God, why am I still in this season of singleness? God, when??? When is it my turn? When will You show me the man You have handpicked for me? WHEN? 

I once had a bestie of mine tell me these sweet words, and sometimes, when would I get down about where I am in life, I would steal a glance back at them, and pray, yet again, for God to reveal His plan in my life in regards to my Mr. Forever.

"You, my friend, are absolutely amazing.  I'd like to say that the timing in life is off but I know God has perfect timing and a reason for everything.  God knows the desires of your heart.  He knows you desire a great husband and I'm positive he has one for you. The way you love people, your willingness to help and serve, and your awesome ability to care for children are all attributes of an amazing wife and mother. You're a keeper, and the guy who is finally able to "put a ring on it" will be a lucky man.  Just know that you deserve great things; and don't settle for less than what you know you deserve."

Don't settle. Don't lower your standards. Don't compromise your morals. Don't turn from God in desperation over a timeline you think is not moving along quick enough. Don't assume the agenda of the devil in losing confidence in your Lord, the King of all Kings. Trust Him and His timing and in time He will reveal what His intentions in your life are. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

[5] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. [6] In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Thy Will ~ Hillary Scott

 Priceless ~ for King and Country

Prayer

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. 
—Max Lucado

I was sitting in bed the other afternoon, tossing and turning, still had a couple hours before needing to go to work. And all I could think about was this tugging in my mind and heart that I had been ignoring for a couple days (let's be honest, it's been a couple months). I just didn't know how to approach or resolve this issue that I was becoming aware of, so I kept pushing it off. I had a longing, a need deep within that wasn't being met. And I realized, all this time, that I was seeking to fill that void in places and people that couldn't fill it. I have been expecting so much from myself, my life, and the people around me, that when my expectations weren't met, I let disappointment stir up aggravation and despair in my life.

I'd realized the last time I had read my Bible was on Easter Sunday. 20 days. 20 days I went without even opening my Bible. Over the last couple months, I have become more aware of the distance I have allowed to come between myself and God. You have probably heard the saying, 'if you feel far away from God, guess who moved?' Well, guess what, it was me. It is always me, not Him.

I got up out of bed, went and grabbed my Bible, then kneeled down beside my bed. I was reevaluating how I pray to God, and what prayer means to me. I had some hesitation, because I knew my heart wasn't right with God at this point. I had to get some things off of my chest, and I needed some help. He was the only One with enough power to help me through it. I didn't know where to begin. How do I fix this relationship. Do I pray, do I read His Word, do I worship, what is best? The answer I was given, was pray. So that is what I did. I had such an informal conversation with God, tears were shed, emotions leaking out of me like a sopping wet towel being wrung. I poured out my desires, my needs, my sorrows, my sins, the burdens that I had on my heart for myself, for others.

I was raised in a Christian home. We didn't read the Bible a lot as a family, but we attended church every Sunday and Wednesday. We didn't routinely pray before meals, we did on holidays or at special events, or if everyone happened to be together, we would. But praying before meals wasn't a norm. We would recite Bible verses as young children, sing songs, and sometimes pray before bedtime. It wasn't that prayer wasn't important, it just wasn't a main focus that I remember being emphasized in my younger years. It wasn't like I was never taught how to pray, or that we never did it, just not all the time, it wasn't a constant, nor did I feel like it was missing when we didn't do it. But now, I have this hunger, this longing for prayer, this need to talk to God, and it has been persistent, a constant feeling of incompleteness. 

I throw out a 'thank you Jesus!' here and there when something I have been hoping for works out, and definitely turn to Him when I am having a rough day, week, month, year, etc. But I definitely do not pray as often as I could. And in not spending that time with God, and humbling myself before Him, acknowledging the transparency that already exists (He sees and knows all things, whether I tell Him about them or not), has caused me to step farther and farther away from God's side.

I don't have a lot of friends, and certainly not a lot of friends that I trust well enough to delve into my insecurities and insufficiencies in life with. But I would say I 'know' a lot of people, and most of these people believe me to be a kind, nice, Christian girl. But boy do I sure catch myself falling short of that oh so often. I catch myself judging others. I catch myself holding grudges. I catch myself being hostile. I catch myself withholding kindness and good deeds, not going the extra mile for others like I used to, simply because I give and do and give and do things for others, and quite often get nothing in return. And I never even used to care. I never expected anything back, not even a thank you, often I did things in secret, simply to avoid receiving any undue praise (because to God be the glory, not I). I did and did and did and went on with life. I was servant, and I loved my ability to be that.

Then slowly, I wandered away from that. My heart was hardened towards people, my eyes closed to their needs. Things would happen that I should feel some emotion about, whether sorrow or joy or whatever, and I would remain emotionless. I would note that I was not responding appropriately, and would wonder for a second, what was wrong with me, and then move on.

I am craving deep meaningful relationships. I'm lacking in meeting my emotional needs amongst my peers because of my choice of relationships I've been making priority in my life. And in doing so, my heart and mind have been hardened to the burdens and issues in others' lives. This change has become more and more evident in my life, and God has made it clear that I need to do something about it.

So prayer. That is where I am beginning. My relationship with God. That is where I am beginning. To better myself, so I can better serve God and others.


'You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in a bottle. You have recorded each one in a book.' Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
'For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.' Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)
'Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' 1 Thes 5:16-18 (NIV)


It doesn't matter what your background was. It doesn't matter what you were or weren't taught. What matters is what you do with what you know and who you are today. Take time to try and be a better person, learn new things. You don't have to take huge steps, because the longer the stride the more likely you are to fall. Take it one little step at a time, and soon enough they will add up to you having moved so much farther than you ever thought possible.

Pray fervently. Live passionately. Love everybody.