Thank You, for being you

{Oftentimes I hop in here, write up a post, and then don’t share it. Sometimes I come back, read it, wonder why I never shared it, and post it then. This is one of those posts, one of those moments, years later.} 

We didn't date that long. And it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns. It was a lot of turmoil. A lot of heartache. A lot of tears shed, histories shared. Enlightened on each other's past mistakes, past heartaches. Past hurts and struggles. I feel like we shared everything. I did anyways. I had told you more than anyone else in my past dating life. I told you those things, because I was betting on us.

I was hoping we would make it. I want you to know that. I poured out my heart, my fears, my failures, my joys because I wanted you and I to finish life on this earth together. I imagined you being my next chapter. I imagined us with kids. I imagined us arguing, resolving issues, and fighting for each other. Fighting for our love and life together to last. I wanted God to want that for me, for us.

When we were together, you did the best you could. You were the best boyfriend you knew how to be. You loved as well as you knew how. You loved beyond love you'd ever felt in return before.

So thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sticking with me while it lasted. Thank you for loving me as best you knew how.  We were overwhelmed with life. Stressors piling up around us burying us, and we forgot how to share those weights with each other. We slowly forgot how to talk to each other. I forgot how well you listen, and let everything build up inside until I was beyond return.

Sorry. Sorry that we weren't meant to be. Sorry that I wasn't the one for you. Sorry for how hard I made things. Sorry I realized a lot of big things a little too late. Sorry that I could not return the love you had shown for me.

i forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me.

You were sorry. I’ve been sorry. I forgive you, and I forgive me. 

I forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me.

If you know a few things about me, you know a few things that happened in 2022. I talk about 2022, as though it was the hardest year of my life, and it was. Nothing that happened in that time was in my control or by my hand, but I was in the depths of those worst moments, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All aspects of them, I was there. I lived them fully, and felt them deeply. 

Back in 2014 into a good portion of 2015, that was a horrible time, though less horrible in hindsight, equally horrible in the moment, though less traumatizing, than my 2022.  Many of my hardships were at my own hand, my choices, my actions. Again, I was there, in the depths, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I was there, and I felt deeply, and lived fully. 

I often tell my dear friends, you cannot compare traumas, you cannot compare deaths/losses. Even in your own life, you cannot compare one loss to another, one traumatic moment to another. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ {Theodore Roosevelt} The hard moments, the circumstances around them will vary, and you must believe, God is working it all out for HIS good, to those that love Him. Jesus said, if You love me You will keep My commands. [John 14:15 ESV] I was not living a life loving Christ, I was sinning, left and right, knowingly, repetitively, and I suffered the consequences, deeply. And God used it, is still using it, for His good.

A lot of firsts were happening in that time. 

I got my first big girl job.

First time going to a church in this new city i would soon call home. 

First time moving to a new place, and not having at least of handful of friends there first. Two. I had two friends here, well, one rather. 

First time starting a job with coworkers I didn’t know. I’d met one before applying, she was the reason i applied, but i didn’t know her. 

First time i felt skinny, and believed it when they called me beautiful. 

First time i lived in a city without a sibling for the first time. 

Lived alone and on my own for the first time.

Bought my first home, a year after the first summer i spent completely unemployed since before jr high. 

First time i ever slept on/owned a brand new mattress. 

First time i truly appreciated leos and the risk and sacrifice they take/make daily, especially after getting to personally know a handful of them. 

Got to know the first true guy friend i’ve ever come to know.

First time i fell, in love. (not in God’s will mind you.)

And lastly, the nadir of this story:

The first time, i believe, i deeply hurt a sister in Christ. I mean, deeeeeply hurt, not physically, but yet an equally emotionally and spiritually debilitating, crushing pain. Nothing is irreparable by Christ, but the relationship was immediately cut off, rightfully so, and she has not spoken to or messaged me since. 

The first time i realized i had hurt God, by hurting His precious daughter. 

There were a lot of firsts that year, basically a 12-month span almost exactly. There were also a lot of lasts, as you can imagine, intentionally so. I realized today, i’ve spent a decade of my life rolling these things around in my head, for no reason necessarily, except to think on them, the memories. 

The good, the bad, and the oh so utterly ugly. 

You ever come across a video, or listen to a group sing, and hone in on one person’s voice, or a particular part, melody, harmony, tenor, what have you? I came across a video this evening, and i already was listening intently, because I know some of the singers, I knew it would be great music. But i honed in, on one familiar voice, and that and the choice song, i started crying. I just started thinking about that time, preparing for my first home. Navigating this new town, new church, with my new friends. All the things. There has been remorse. There has been repentance. God has given grace and forgiveness, but I still held things over myself, and unknowingly, over my friend, who apologized many years ago. Last night, I started mentally processing alllll the things i had done, and people i hurt during those times, and i just wept. 

And then.

I simply whispered, ‘i forgive you.’ He couldn’t hear me, but i forgave him. And then, i muttered, ‘and i forgive me,’ before the sobs took my breath away and my shoulders shuddered. 

I forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me. I know neither of us are the same we were that year. Though i don’t know you personally any more, it used to make me shake to my core thinking on such things as losing you as my friend, i know you are a better person today, by the grace of God, as i hope i am too. 

Quit kidding yourself.

Quit Kidding Yourself

"Quit kidding yourself. We must understand the tremendous capacity of every human being to deceive him or herself when not connected to God. You and I don't really have the anchor in our lives that we need to overcome the temptations that are shot our way on a daily basis. Know that once we start making excuses for sin, each excuse seems more plausible, and you'll sink deeper and deeper into sin and ruin. We must admit that we cant trust ourselves apart from God. Sure, sometimes God tests us, but the choice is ours. Will we choose to obey Him?"  
*(movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013)

Having an affair is a humiliating thing to open up about. At least it is for me, and should be for anyone who has been a part of one. It is humiliating that I, a young Christian woman who thought my walk with God was headed where He wanted me, who thought my spiritual welfare was in check, who read my Bible (never often enough), who went to church every Sunday, who had a great relationship with everyone who knew me, and who was of such a light and kind spirit, could be capable of such a thing. Someone who finds joy in being able to get a smile out of any and everyone, either with her contagious smile, stupid quirks and dumb jokes, or a good squeeze. (I'm a hugger). But yes, even I, who thought it was so condescending when people would warn me that this may happen, that our friendship threw up flags to them, and that we should be careful. Even I, who just knew I would never stoop so low as to threaten a marriage, threaten a couple's spirit. Even I, who would spend so much time with the wife of this friend, just knowing that I would never be able to hurt her like that. 

Even I. 

I crossed the line between okay and not-so-much-anymore, well a long time ago. I couldn't even tell you when I stopped trying to convince myself that I didn't wish with all my heart that he was a single man that I could pursue. I don't know when I started trying to convince myself that everything I was saying and doing was okay. I don't know when each little thing happened that made me feel differently towards him. I just know it happened. The impossible happened, and the even more impossible was made less black and white, and a little more gray and fuzzy. I blurred those lines in my mind, by choice. And when those lines got blurred, it is from then on that I began to regret things. Not so much then, but now. Now that I know what I know, now that I have a glimpse of the amount of hurt I caused upon that family. Now that I have the limitations put forth before me, now that I have no communication with that best friend. Now that I don't get to love on those girls, now that I don't get to be over for supper whenever I was invited, or felt like inviting myself. Now that all trust has been lost. 

Now, I regret. 

Where regret was due, and should have been felt, after each step too far, each inch that I crossed the line farther and farther, no, there it was not felt, there I threw water on it and doused that fire that was illuminating each of my sins.

When God describes marriage, in the very beginning of time, He makes it clear that the marriage relationship between a husband and his wife was to be made the number one human relationship from the time the vows are exchanged on. A one-of-a-kind, intimate human relationship. And what God says goes, what God says should not be fabricated or altered or ignored for my own personal wants.

It begins...

It starts out innocent, or so you think. We are human, and we can't choose who we are attracted to, whether it be physical or emotional. What we can choose to control is the actions we choose to partake in and the words we choose to say. While being on either end has its downfalls, it is always the one who was betrayed that suffers most. The partner that strayed, and the person of the opposite sex with whom the partner strayed for/with, they suffer, especially after being found out, but not like the one who was betrayed. Now some would say an affair is not officially an affair until the betrayers have had sex. Well, I do not believe that to be true. There are physical affairs, which are affairs even before intercourse has happened, but there are also emotional affairs. These can tend to have a harsher effect on the betrayed. Either way the impact is at least the same, if not even more significant when pertaining to an emotional affair. You know what will usually happen once an emotional affair has started occurring? Well, all that time that it was beginning to brew, the restraint required to not cross the physical line was less. Now, with an emotional affair starting, there is history shared, chemistry, there are feelings between the two, making the physical affair require that much more self restraint to abstain from. 

And even if emotions had not been shared between us, if we had kept them to ourselves, we still had sinned. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." ~Matthew 5:27-28

Some things that come along with an affair, other than the obvious, sin, are guilt, lies, and lost trust. Once you tell a lie, and the receiver of this lie learns the truth, they will never again know for sure if you are telling the truth. They will forever wonder if they can trust you, and quite possibly may never be able to again, especially when it comes to the circumstances or moments that led up to the lie and betrayal. 

Now, speaking for myself, having been caught up in a vicious circle of what I would consider an emotional affair, because that it was, no facade here, no smoke screen. I was full-on partaking in a horrible thing that could have potentially ruined an amazing family, one that I had grown to love, I could have forever tarnished the image of a man who was and is such a man of God. I hurt, deeply hurt, a wife that I had grown to enjoy the company of, yet wished so much that we could trade places, that I could have her life.

I don't know what went through my mind, I can't explain how I convinced myself daily that everything I said and felt was okay and wasn't going to hurt anyone in the end. I can't explain why the friendship was surpassed. I can't explain it at all. And that's okay. Because this is in the past, and should emotions arise ever again in a situation where I know God does not want me acting on them, I have learned (now, too late, and so sorry) to keep them to myself, and stifle them. If God doesn't want me to act upon the emotions that are growing inside, then that leads me to think that I shouldn't even have those emotions. The rational part of my brain saw the situation one way, but the emotional part of my heart saw them differently. I got caught up in the emotion, where instead I should have asked Jesus to help me down the higher road. Feelings should be indicators not dictators. They can indicate that there are some emotions I am experiencing that need processed, but they shouldn't dictate how I act when faced with such emotions or situations. But I let the emotions get the best of me. 

On one hand, this was my best friend. The bond between us was beyond meant to be! When we met, there were no intentions beyond a possible friendship. We were twins from different parents, so incredibly like-minded. I just knew this friendship was destined to blossom! God had hand-picked this random guy from another state, brought him to a birthday camping trip at the lake, and so began the short journey of what I knew was going to be a forever friendship.

The day we got "found out": Okay, she wasn't stupid, before that day flags went up all around her, and she would either ignore them, or confront him about them, and she was assured that nothing was or was going to happen. She was married to him, she knew this man, inside and out, she trusted him, loved him. Both of us women are haters of conflict and confrontation, yet that is exactly what I had forced upon her with my emotions, actions, and intentions with her husband. Conflict is messy, emotional, and exhausting. And though this confrontation was not in person, (I don't think it was any easier on me that it wasn't, but I am sure for her through the phone was the best option, as she had to choose one, given the circumstances of the place that I put her in with this relationship that had crossed boundaries) it was still emotionally draining. 

My nightmare had become a reality, as I am sure was the same for her. A woman who loved her husband so much, and rested so easily upon their vows to each other, and their faith in God, and trusted me, as a friend, not to surpass the boundaries that were understood. I had become her nightmare. I was the other woman. I was the woman who had led her husband astray. 

I, of course and understandably so, was exiled. No communication with my best friend. No going to their home, no holding or loving on their kids in church. Everything that had become a norm for me in this time in my life, all was thrown in the fire and disintegrated in one phone call because of the acts that I had done in the months leading up to that day. 

I will never forget. I will never forget missing the 2 phone calls, as I was vacuuming my new home, my ringer was off and the phone in the other room. I will never forget seeing 2 missed calls from her, and in my naive-ness, thinking, "oh, she is probably inviting me over for lunch and to hang out with her and the kiddos!" Because that is the relationship I perceived between us, prior to this event. That was the relationship that I hoped she too saw between us. 

I will never forget what happened when I called her back, starting with my reasons for missing her call, and then hearing her unravel on me. I will never forget the anger in her voice, the genuine hurt and disgust, the daggers of truth that she threw with her voice that hit in just the right spot, to inflict in me at least some of the pain she was feeling, as was deserved. It was a phone call made out of anger, anger that I had been the root cause of. I know that was by far the worst phone call she had ever had to make in her life, and hopefully the worst phone call she will ever have to make. I cannot verbally express how sorry I have been, from that moment, even up to this day. How much my heart has broke for her, even though I was the cause of the pain and heartache that she was experiencing, I hurt for her. Maybe it was BECAUSE I was the reason behind the pain and anger. And let me tell you, that alone was enough to drive a person mad. I despise knowing that I have caused someone else any hurt at all, physical or emotional. I am not that person, but somehow, little by little, I had let myself become that person, and totally convinced myself that what I was doing was fine and okay.

So you may ask, how does someone who sees herself as a nice, kind, Christian women, let herself get months deep into emotions and words that should never have been expressed or shared? Well it's simple, it is scary how simple it is. It didn't happen all at once. One small thing was felt and shared, then another, and then the surprise would go down and wear off, and then something else would happen, again surprise, but it would lessen and lessen, and then I would get accustomed to these things being okay, so no longer did the next emotions, actions, or words surprise me, they became accepted and anticipated, exciting and okay, even encouraged. 

"Actually women are more susceptible to this kind of thing than men are. I know it sounds odd, but they call it emotional adultery. It usually goes this way. Maybe a woman is unhappy in her marriage. Maybe she's bored. Maybe she is just going through some kind of mid-life crisis. The point is there doesn't necessarily have to be anything wrong in her life. The next thing you know she starts talking to somebody in her Zumba class, or it could be a co-worker in the next cubicle over. It could be just somebody she sees at a school bus stop every morning. It can happen anywhere, anytime. They start out as friends, you know. Next thing you know, they're talking about common interests. That leads to more personal discussions about you name it, intimate struggles, doubts, feelings, fears, the kinda things that should be intended exclusively for a marriage relationship. They haven't even met in person, so how is it an affair? She thinks---she believes that she's gonna have a future with this guy, one brighter than the one she has with...with me."
*(another movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013)

This goes out to the other "other woman" out there that may be reading this. Stop now. You may feel like that will be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life, or maybe that the task is daunting or impossible, because you think you are so in love with this man. Trust me, I know, I have been there. I thought the end of the world was just around the corner. But, that man is taken. That man has already given his heart away to his bride. God has already placed someone in that man's life for him to love on and cherish, and you are stealing some of that, and you don't deserve it. You are hurting their relationship together, you are hurting him emotionally, you may be hurting him spiritually as well, because imagine how much time he is spending talking to or even with you, at least that much time has been wasted, and I mean wasted, because that time could have been better spent with God, or his wife and family, could have been invested in his relationships that matter most. Relationships that aren't tempting him beyond what he knows is right.

Stopping the communication may feel like the end of the world in the beginning, but let me tell you who helps with that feeling, He is amazing, and all-powerful, and all-knowing, and He loves you so much He sent His only Son to bleed out on a cross for you. Say His name over and over. Spend time in His Word. Pray, pray, pray. I can't stress enough how praying and spending time with a good solid Bible-believing and preaching church family has helped me heal emotionally and grow spiritually. Satan loses a major battle when we stop questioning what's wrong with certain choices but instead we start asking what's right with them. 

I don't write this to degrade the cheating man. We all know cheating is wrong, but I don't point a single finger at the man in my story, because I know I am just as guilty, if not more than. I pray for him, I pray for their marriage, I pray for myself, and the poor poor man that I may get to call my husband someday. I pray for wisdom, for when that man and I meet, to tell him of this sin that I have done, the pain it caused me, and the open wound in my heart I still have for my friend's wife. And the hole I have in my heart, because take away the emotions, take away the betrayal, take away all of that, he was my best friend. I told him everything, I can say with 100% honesty that he was the one person I can say I have been most open and honest to in my entire life. I pray that I will learn from this, and that this path will never again appeal to me, that when I see the same signs on a different road, I will turn back, and leave up the barriers, in fact, augment them higher, and make them high-definition to be even more clear. 

"What is faithfulness? The world has one definition. God has another. This can be a problem when it comes to marital fidelity. We try to rationalize what faithfulness is. Jesus made a powerful statement. He said if you look on a woman with lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery.  You see, we try to rationalize with thoughts like, "Well, it's okay. Everybody's doing it," and "It's okay as long as you don't get caught." When we innocently facilitate arrangements, for instance, to be with people of the opposite sex who are not our spouse and we put it under the guise of a business meeting, that's sin. We're headed in the wrong direction. When we rationalize our thoughts about another person, we're diluting ourselves. If we find ourselves fantasizing or manipulating events, it's time to make a very fast U-turn. See, that same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. We need to daydream about our spouse. We need to remember our wedding vows. We need to ask ourselves, if there is something that we can do today, this week, right now to remind our spouse of the intimate relationship that we were called to have together? We need to daydream about what attracted us to our spouse in the first place. See, God tells us specifically about how to think. He says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure and lovely and admirable, if there's anything excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
*(movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013) 

As much as that pertains to the married couple themselves, it also pertains to the person on the outside who is being the temptation for such behavior. I don't think Jesus just liked to hear Himself talk, I think this was a warning. And how dare I sit and mock the institution God has ordained as marriage, how dare I have been caught up in this awful sin. Well let me tell you, I let the emotions I was caught up in overwhelm and dissolve the fear of being caught, disintegrate the parts of my brain and mind that knew what I was doing was wrong. God has not and will not tempt you beyond what you can handle with His help.

The only way out is through it. God has given you the strength you need, if not in yourself, then in those around you, in your loved ones, in your church family, in your place of employment. I have found people in all those places that helped me back on my feet, that helped me jumpstart my healing. People that have only offered encouragement and hope rather than the despair, disdain, and embarrassment that I know I deserve(d).

I thought writing this would be cathartic for me. But just reminds me of an awful thing I did. I am beyond ashamed of what I did, and have suffered for it daily. I know God has forgiven me, as I have repented, over and over. Once was enough, and turning and changing my ways. But I have so much trouble grasping the concept of forgiveness when asking for it for having done something so awful, and being so undeserving. I think it is so hard for me to grasp the concept of forgiveness from God because I have yet to forgive myself.

God Is On The Move - 7eventh Time Down    Cathedrals - Tenth Avenue North

I wasn't married when I went through this. When I put my dear friends through this. Since then I found and read many many stories and blogs, mostly by Christians, who have gone through the same thing, on all 3 sides. restoredthroughgrace.com
 http://www.restoredthroughgrace.com/2012/10/02/immeasurable-grace/

9/2015

Happily Ever Never

Thy will, make it my will, God.

This was such a hard concept for me to grasp and retain. I had prayed the prayer over and over, but still had this unsettling lack of joy deep in my soul about my relationship status. When would my happily ever after happen? God, why am I still in this season of singleness? God, when??? When is it my turn? When will You show me the man You have handpicked for me? WHEN? 

I once had a bestie of mine tell me these sweet words, and sometimes, when would I get down about where I am in life, I would steal a glance back at them, and pray, yet again, for God to reveal His plan in my life in regards to my Mr. Forever.

"You, my friend, are absolutely amazing.  I'd like to say that the timing in life is off but I know God has perfect timing and a reason for everything.  God knows the desires of your heart.  He knows you desire a great husband and I'm positive he has one for you. The way you love people, your willingness to help and serve, and your awesome ability to care for children are all attributes of an amazing wife and mother. You're a keeper, and the guy who is finally able to "put a ring on it" will be a lucky man.  Just know that you deserve great things; and don't settle for less than what you know you deserve."

Don't settle. Don't lower your standards. Don't compromise your morals. Don't turn from God in desperation over a timeline you think is not moving along quick enough. Don't assume the agenda of the devil in losing confidence in your Lord, the King of all Kings. Trust Him and His timing and in time He will reveal what His intentions in your life are. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

[5] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. [6] In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Thy Will ~ Hillary Scott

 Priceless ~ for King and Country

Prayer

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. 
—Max Lucado

I was sitting in bed the other afternoon, tossing and turning, still had a couple hours before needing to go to work. And all I could think about was this tugging in my mind and heart that I had been ignoring for a couple days (let's be honest, it's been a couple months). I just didn't know how to approach or resolve this issue that I was becoming aware of, so I kept pushing it off. I had a longing, a need deep within that wasn't being met. And I realized, all this time, that I was seeking to fill that void in places and people that couldn't fill it. I have been expecting so much from myself, my life, and the people around me, that when my expectations weren't met, I let disappointment stir up aggravation and despair in my life.

I'd realized the last time I had read my Bible was on Easter Sunday. 20 days. 20 days I went without even opening my Bible. Over the last couple months, I have become more aware of the distance I have allowed to come between myself and God. You have probably heard the saying, 'if you feel far away from God, guess who moved?' Well, guess what, it was me. It is always me, not Him.

I got up out of bed, went and grabbed my Bible, then kneeled down beside my bed. I was reevaluating how I pray to God, and what prayer means to me. I had some hesitation, because I knew my heart wasn't right with God at this point. I had to get some things off of my chest, and I needed some help. He was the only One with enough power to help me through it. I didn't know where to begin. How do I fix this relationship. Do I pray, do I read His Word, do I worship, what is best? The answer I was given, was pray. So that is what I did. I had such an informal conversation with God, tears were shed, emotions leaking out of me like a sopping wet towel being wrung. I poured out my desires, my needs, my sorrows, my sins, the burdens that I had on my heart for myself, for others.

I was raised in a Christian home. We didn't read the Bible a lot as a family, but we attended church every Sunday and Wednesday. We didn't routinely pray before meals, we did on holidays or at special events, or if everyone happened to be together, we would. But praying before meals wasn't a norm. We would recite Bible verses as young children, sing songs, and sometimes pray before bedtime. It wasn't that prayer wasn't important, it just wasn't a main focus that I remember being emphasized in my younger years. It wasn't like I was never taught how to pray, or that we never did it, just not all the time, it wasn't a constant, nor did I feel like it was missing when we didn't do it. But now, I have this hunger, this longing for prayer, this need to talk to God, and it has been persistent, a constant feeling of incompleteness. 

I throw out a 'thank you Jesus!' here and there when something I have been hoping for works out, and definitely turn to Him when I am having a rough day, week, month, year, etc. But I definitely do not pray as often as I could. And in not spending that time with God, and humbling myself before Him, acknowledging the transparency that already exists (He sees and knows all things, whether I tell Him about them or not), has caused me to step farther and farther away from God's side.

I don't have a lot of friends, and certainly not a lot of friends that I trust well enough to delve into my insecurities and insufficiencies in life with. But I would say I 'know' a lot of people, and most of these people believe me to be a kind, nice, Christian girl. But boy do I sure catch myself falling short of that oh so often. I catch myself judging others. I catch myself holding grudges. I catch myself being hostile. I catch myself withholding kindness and good deeds, not going the extra mile for others like I used to, simply because I give and do and give and do things for others, and quite often get nothing in return. And I never even used to care. I never expected anything back, not even a thank you, often I did things in secret, simply to avoid receiving any undue praise (because to God be the glory, not I). I did and did and did and went on with life. I was servant, and I loved my ability to be that.

Then slowly, I wandered away from that. My heart was hardened towards people, my eyes closed to their needs. Things would happen that I should feel some emotion about, whether sorrow or joy or whatever, and I would remain emotionless. I would note that I was not responding appropriately, and would wonder for a second, what was wrong with me, and then move on.

I am craving deep meaningful relationships. I'm lacking in meeting my emotional needs amongst my peers because of my choice of relationships I've been making priority in my life. And in doing so, my heart and mind have been hardened to the burdens and issues in others' lives. This change has become more and more evident in my life, and God has made it clear that I need to do something about it.

So prayer. That is where I am beginning. My relationship with God. That is where I am beginning. To better myself, so I can better serve God and others.


'You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in a bottle. You have recorded each one in a book.' Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
'For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.' Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)
'Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' 1 Thes 5:16-18 (NIV)


It doesn't matter what your background was. It doesn't matter what you were or weren't taught. What matters is what you do with what you know and who you are today. Take time to try and be a better person, learn new things. You don't have to take huge steps, because the longer the stride the more likely you are to fall. Take it one little step at a time, and soon enough they will add up to you having moved so much farther than you ever thought possible.

Pray fervently. Live passionately. Love everybody.

Never Too Far Gone

Have you ever done something so bad, so wrong, that you wondered and certainly doubted that God could ever have possibly loved you through it, and especially doubted the existence of His love for you afterward?

If you said yes, well I feel you. Me too.

Thankfully we serve an amazing God who is able to love us through it all.

~~~~~~

When I moved to Ulysses America back in 2014, I just knew God had great plans for me.

Before moving down here, I established a wonderful friendship. A friendship that almost had endless possibilities. A friendship I knew was appointed from God Himself. This encouraged me even more that this was going to be a great adventure to unfold down here in Southwest Kansas.

I tended to that friendship tediously. It bloomed and blossomed, and flourished with such liveliness I couldn't even believe it myself.

Meanwhile, my other friends, and family even, fell to the back burner.

Church was a huge priority, and I made sure it stayed that way. God always being my focus.

Until He wasn't anymore.

Until there were more important things than church, more important things than family sometimes.

Sleep. Hanging out. Walking the streets of our city. Etc.

I was happy, oh trust me, I thought I was happy. I truly was. Very very happy. Our pastor spoke this morning in church, about how happiness is based on happenings. Everything that was happening with me, to me, and around me? They all were quite perfect and right, I thought at the time. I was happy, very happy.

Until I wasn't.

No one was to blame for my loss of that happiness more than myself.

In fact, some people tried to influence the regress of smiles. But their efforts were without yield. I was in a slump. I had lost what I thought was one of the most important people in the world at the time.

Suddenly I was walking a LOT more. I mean, 10-15 miles a night, every single night I was off.

Suddenly, I found myself wondering what this God that I thought I loved and served so well could possibly want with me still. How He could keep this frail and unstable wanderer under His wing and close eye. How He could possibly still care for a stray like me. How He could possibly still have a home built just for me in Heaven.



Let me tell you these thoughts, and my current situations, cascaded into a whole whirlwind of mood swings, total confusion, bad eating habits, an awful lot of wear and tear on what used to be some pretty good sneakers.

Throughout it all, I certainly doubted God. I doubted that He could still love me. But looking back now, He showed me, proved to me, sometimes more than once in a given day, that He still cared for me, that He still wanted me, that I still mattered to Him.

So when you feel like you might have done something so incredibly awful and wrong and sinful, something you just know had to had driven God away from you, turned His face from you and your life, your heart. Just remember this.

That is the devil talking.

Satan wants nothing more than for you to doubt our great God and His love for you. He wants nothing more than you to get distracted, to look away, to turn from God, because He would not turn from you, the devil knows that. But if the devil can get you to look away for just a second, then he believes he has won a mini battle, and maybe he did, maybe you let him, maybe you stopped fighting, stopped believing in the purpose for why you were created.

He won with me. I sunk deeper and deeper into sin, until it seemed okay. It seemed fine enough. It didn't bother me as much anymore, I didn't hear the voices as often in my head, the ones that discouraged my interaction with this sin. They faded. I let the devil win that battle.

But my God has already won the war.

~~~~~~

No matter what I have done, He is here with me. He wants me. He wants YOU. He wants you to know that. He is fighting your battles for you, battles you don't even know are happening. He is fighting for you. Because He loves you.



He is with us all along, He never leaves us.



:)

Music is an amazing tool God has created for us, to bring glory to Him, to worship Him. In church, in the car, at home. These are some songs that came to mind while writing this blog. God brings music to me, in just the right time, with just the right words, to reel in my mind, to return my focus to Him, to praise Him for everything in my life. To bring Him the glory. To thank Him for the struggle and the failures, as well as the victories and easy days. Because no matter what I go through, He has a plan, He has a purpose, for every tear of joy and every tear of sorrow.

So have a listen, because some of these are pretttttty great! Enjoy their gifts from God!

Never Too Far Gone ~ Jodan Feliz

How Can It Be ~ Lauren Daigle
Battles ~ the Afters
Beloved ~ Jordan Feliz
Let Go ~ Flame
I'll Keep On ~ NF
Hold On ~ TobyMac
Salt & Light ~ Lauren Daigle

Thank you for stopping by. I leave you with this...

God has a plan for you. Don't think for a second that He doesn't. You are important to Him. Whatever battle you are facing, whatever you are going through, it is just preparing you for the victory ahead. Keep your head up, your eyes fixed on Christ. Love you all. 💙

Pray fervently. Live passionately. Love everybody. 

A Letter to my Best Forever Friend

Dear Sweet Friend,

You have been my best friend, for the longest. I cannot remember a time when you weren't! All throughout our school years, especially high school, we were so crazy, and had sooooooo many incredible laughing moments! So much crying, which only comes from the best laughs.

You probably felt, especially a couple years ago, that you may not have ranked number one any longer. I feel like sometimes, you may have felt like you were replaced. But you weren't.

You have always been my #1.

You have birthed some of the greatest joys in my life. And you still look amazing. You may not weigh 100 pounds anymore, which is good (because you are healthier), and you are still one hot mom.

You have an amazing life. Your husband isn't perfect, and sometimes makes you cry, sometimes makes you mad, sometimes makes you want to rip out every single strand of hair on your head. But I know you love him, and I know he loves you. And I know you make each other laugh, and among all the tests that have come to your relationship, you have more than prevailed.

You are a beautiful girl. You are strong. You are a determined woman. You are determined to give your children the best life they can have. You are satisfied. You don't quit trying to make yourself a better person, a better Christian, a better woman, a better Mom. But, you are satisfied. You don't need all the diamonds and new cars in this life, a bigger house, the newest phone, a big screen tv. You make do with what you have.

 

You are a bomb cook. I don't think you have made a meal that I haven't liked. I may not be a huge fan of homemade brownies, or guacamole, but I will still eat them (the brownies anyway). They are brownies...what (mostly) sane person wouldn't?

You are kind. You are always so nice to me, and have a great heart. You see needs in others, and do what you can to meet them. You have a heart that is concerned for people. I love that about you. I love that you instill these traits in your kiddos as well.

I have been through quite a lot in my 25 years. Some things I brought upon myself, others I had no control over. But through all of them, God was there, even though sometime it didn't feel like it. And also, through each one, whether right by my side or on the other side of the telephone, there you were too. There may even be things in my life that were going on, and you didn't even know it, but just by being you, you made it better. So thank you.

We may not agree on everything, but we certainly don't fight. You're stupid. You fail. You're not perfect. You're weird. I am like that TOO, so we are a perfect match! We laugh at the randomest things. You are like my human diary, so many secrets spilt to your always open ears. When I am sad, there you are. When I am happy, you are who I want to tell! You know some (if not all) of my ugliest secrets. You've seen me at my lowest. If there was such a thing as laughing too much, you would be the drug in my life that caused that symptom. You've seen me cry. You've walked into my house and made it your own, as well as have let me do the same in yours, numerous times!  I would be okay with you writing my biography, because you know more 'Rachael' facts than anyone else in the world (seriously though, probably more than my own Mom!). No matter what, throughout this life, you have been the consistent person by my side.

When my brother died, you were there.
When I wrecked my car, (9 years ago today) which could have easily been the end of your life, you still let me come hang out with you.
When I found out you were dating my brother, you gave me time to get used to the idea.
When I graduated from high school, you were right there, probably sitting with my family.
When I left for college, we kept in touch, and I would hang out with you whenever I could when I was home.
When you got pregnant, you didn't let me know as soon as I would have liked. And instead of understanding that you may have been going through a lot of things, obviously physically, and for sure emotionally, I got all butt hurt about it. For that I apologize. And I wouldn't trade that young one for a box full of diamonds.
When I graduated from college, you were there, with my family (which was also your family by this point, though we adopted you ages ago!).

Simply put...

You. Are. There.

I want you to know that I pray for you. I pray for your marriage. I pray for your kids. I pray for your heart, for patience, for time for yourself. I pray that you make it through each day at least as sane as you woke up. I pray that you would be able to find time in your crazy days to read God's Word. To pray. To talk to Him, cast your cares on Him. I pray that your relationship with Him would deepen and blossom even more than it has.

I hope I don't take advantage of you. I hope I reciprocate some of these great qualities back to you. I know I am not as great a friend as you are, but I am working on it. You are a blessing I cannot imagine my life sans. Thank you.

I want you to know, because I don't tell you enough, that I love you. I love you so much.
I appreciate you. You are beautiful. You are wanted. You are needed. You are the best mom your kids could ever have been blessed with. And you, you are my bestest friend in the whole world.

Most of all I appreciate that you accept me as me. I appreciate that we can be together for days, or apart for days, and nothing changes. You're the BEST!

Stay sweet,
Rachy

P.S. Please come stay at my house whenever you want. Because you are ALWAYS welcome!

My best friend's name is Heather, and I am the rude one.

Best frand and I :) Love you long time Delilah!

 

 

And some songs, dedicated to you bestie!! <3

Beautiful ~ MercyMe

Grateful ~ Rita Ora

Lean On Me ~ Bill Withers
The List ~ Matthew West