Washed in Mercy

"You're restoring me piece by piece. There's nothing too dirty, that you can't make worthy. You wash me in mercy, I am clean."

Lyrics from the song "Clean"by Natalie Grant (watch her music video by clicking the link at the end)

I am a sinner. I know just how unworthy I am of God's matchless mercy and unfathomable grace. I absolutely love music. It has accompanied me through the hardest and easiest times of my life, and all the in between times. This song throws open the door to this facade we may create of God and His abilities. The truth is, nothing we have done is beyond His forgiveness, we can't go anywhere and expect to be beyond His gracious reach. We can't say anything and anticipate losing His love. He is everywhere at all times, but He is only in control of our lives where we let Him be in control. He does not make decisions for us, cool thing is, He gives us that freedom. He lets us make decisions daily about our lives. He is in control, but you are too. He can only control however much you give to Him to be in control of.

Sometimes when life throws us a curveball, we think that God has left us, or He is out to get us, so we stray from Him and His Word, His church, and His will. Sometimes when we are at a high point in our lives, we forget that God is still there, and again, stray. We know God is a selfish God, but, likewise, we are a selfish people, but unlike God, we are afraid to admit it. We love to thank Him when things go our way, if we remember to thank Him that is, and we indulge even more in pointing fingers and blaming Him when things don't go our way. And yet, our loving Father continues to do just that, love on us, because that is who He is, He is love. He continues to care for us, meet our needs, and sustain our lives, even after we are so unappreciative.

When we say that prayer, giving our hearts and lives over to Him, promising to do what we can to live according to His will in our lives, and vowing to abide by His commandments and His laws put forth before us in His Word, we are promised eternal life. We aren't promised a perfect dream-worthy life, we aren't promised a strife-free life, we aren't promised an easy life, we aren't promised a sin-free life. We are promised that we will spend eternity, after our life on this earth, in heaven with our Maker, and that for the time spent on this earth, we are promised the Holy Spirit within us, and the heavenly Father beside us to guide us. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but as believers we know Who holds tomorrow, and we know Who holds our future here on earth, and later in heaven.

So if you know you are a Christian, you know that God loves you, and you know that He sent His only Son to die on a cross for you, to take the burden of all your sins off of your shoulders, and bear them upon His own. (If you aren't, well you are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime, literally, I don't care how cheesy that sounds!) Take a minute today, and thank God for all He has done for you in your life. No one has a good day everyday, but if you are reading this, then at least you were given another day, do your best to make it a good one!

Recently, while in the hospital with my Dad, I was sitting in a commons area in his unit, and there was a kind gentleman who had walked by my Dad's room on his many laps around the unit, and stopped just now to speak with me and my family. He said he is generally a happy man, positive all the time. He said walking around out here trying to find someone to make smile will help him get better faster than lying around in that hospital bed. That was the most positive 80-something year old man I had ever made contact with, and totally made my day! That man went in to have a pacemaker placed, and though I never caught his name, I prayed a lot for him that day and the next, and his precious wife he so dotingly loved on and his daughters. He is a prime example of someone who loves God and knows God won't give him more than he can handle. He was in a hospital, with heart issues, and yet desired to show God's love and joy to others around him rather than be waited on and lie around in his room. His heart seemed right with the Lord for sure. I strive to be that person everyday, one with a genuine smile, because no matter what trials have come my way, I know that Jesus is here and He will help me through it.


"Clean" by Natalie Grant Enjoy! =)  <---click there

Pop's Hospital Adventures

12-18 @ 1940 He is home, he has slept okay the last two nights. He thinks he can still go do chores and run around with the cows, which made my Momma upset. He hates the LifeVest, as does my mother, because it goes off when the leads aren't making good contact, and thus not being able to accurately monitor his heart's rhythms. He went to Colby today with Sam to get Sam's truck from the shop. Sam and Seth moves cows this morning. Dad says, "I haven't done a whole lot today, was up at the station from 11-12:30 because people wanted to visit, told myself not to stay past noon because I didn't want to wear out my welcome, but people wanted to visit." He then said, "I got to get toughened up, be productive, search the Word, and love and pray for the wife." Silly man! That's what I know today! Thanks :)

12-17 @ 1930 Mom said Dad's first night at hime went alright. States his sleep study is scheduled for late January, the 26th I believe. He is on a 1500mL fluid restriction, which to the rest of us is a total of 6 and 1/4 cups of water. He has a handful of new medications they started him on, and of course the oxygen is a while new thing for him, so keep him and my precious Momma in your prayers!

12-16 @ 1330 Dad is on this way home, they called in his prescriptions to Colby, and a very kind Heather helped prepare them. He is on oxygen, and PO medications for his heart. He will be wearing the LifeVest for the next 3 months, and is scheduled to have a sleep study in Colby soon. He is to followup with his doc in 2 weeks. I will call him tomorrow and see how he slept his first night without the bipap at home.

12-15 @ 2030 The test they did this morning was a VQ scan, that they use to look for clots in the lung arteries, it came back negative for any blood clots! PRL! I just left the hospital, Dad was fitted for his lifeVest around 6:30p and he will be wearing it for the next three months. Unsure if anyone is staying the night with him tonight. All the staff has been amazing. Plans to go home in the morning sometime, Momma will have her hands full, as Silas has an appointment to get a cast applied tomorrow for his ankle, and then it will be all her (mostly) at home with Dad tomorrow! Dad is already a bit anxious about being at home without the bi-pap tomorrow, even though he has been fighting it I know hr knows it has helped him sleep, he knows he needs it. Today he has been trying hard to do everything himself, to learn how to do everything, from things as simple as putting on the oxygen cannula, to things as complicated as putting the electronic pieces of his LifeVest into it and putting it on. Murse Nick is back tonight, and states the game plan tonight is to do what we did last night, and I am sure all will go well, he's a good murse, and he has the same respiratory therapist from his first night, and he was his RT the last 2 nights as well. I am fully confident that unless he gets anxious about leaving, he will have a great night!

12-15 @ 1600 His LifeVest will not be here until 6:30ish, so they will be discharging in the AM, because the oxygen company (bringing the oxygen and equipment from Goodland) doesn't want their driver out that late, I guess the roads are bad back home. Have not seen heart doc today yet, and haven't seen the pulmonologist again yet, thus do not know what they found out from the nuclear medicine imaging they did this morning. Discharge planning nurse (Lori maybe?)has been amazing with getting him ready for discharge (it's her job, I know, but she has been beyond fantastic!) and his nurse miss Aubrey today has been super today! So not a lot of change of information from this morning, but that's what I know! Upon discharge tomorrow, we will know when he is to go to Colby for his sleep test. Nurse said his chest xray pretty much says the same as Saturday, with some improvement. Dad had done really well with the fluid restriction today, i anticipated more grief from him about it! But he has done great. He had physical therapy this morning, they left a walker in here for him to use, he is in the restroom as I type, and his walker is sitting by his chair. He did finally lie down and take a nap, (as did I) for a couple hours. Occupational therapy was in to work with Dad to ensure he was fine with getting in and out of the bathroom, putting on his own pants, toileting, etc, be passed with flying colors.

12-15 @ 0830 Dad was taken down to "nuc med" just now, the athletic trainer that took him down said to expect the testing to take an hour to hour and a half. I haven't been able to talk with the nurse on exactly what they are doing, but nuclear medicine uses radioactive material (in small amounts), creating medical imaging from which they can diagnose and treat abnormalities in the body. His lung doc (pulmonologist) said the test they are taking him for now is to check for clots in the lungs. Spoke with the pulmonologist this morning, he said they will do the sleep test in Colby, and he will go home on oxygen, he says his heart muscle is very weak and the pressure in the arteries in his lungs is very high (pulmonary hypertension) as mentioned yesterday, so hope to run a couple test and get a couple more answers.

12-15 @ 0500 Dad is up for the day, states he feels rested. Hopes are for him to get to go home today, we'll see what happens.

12-14 @ 1000 Heart cath is done, no blockages found, so not sure why his heart muscle itself is weak, found pulmonary hypertension (elevated pressure in the blood flow through his lungs), and the pressures within the heart muscle itself are elevated. Doc Katwall said he wants Dad tested to see if he needs/qualifies for oxygen during the day, but it has been made obvious he needs it through the night. I hope they are able to do a sleep study while we are here, to save a trip back here, but I am not sure on the procedures there, if it is something they do while he is an inpatient, or if he will have to be dismissed and come back for it outpatient, or if that is even required at this point in time for the doctor to write a script for a cpap for at home. Dad is supposed to lie flat for 2-4 hours, in order for the arteries and veins to clot off sufficiently. Once Dr. Beaudry comes in with a game plan, I'll let y'all know what it is!

12-14 @ 0825 Met Dr. Katwall who is doing the heart cath, had some great laughs with the cath lab murses, and Dad is back there now. Mom, Rebecca, and I are in the cath lab waiting room, they said anticipate an hour at least, and if they decide they need to inflate a balloon or place a stent or anything else they will call out here and let us know.

12-14 @ 0720 his murse Ross is back today, says if they don't take Dad at 8am, then it will be 10am or 1pm, which is still just guestimations and will depend on how the previous scheduled heart caths go (according to schedule, quicker than planned or longer than planned), and if they have any emergency patients come in needing it done in higher priority than Pops.

12-14 @ 0500 Dad said at 0430 he was done with that mask thing. So he's up now, with his oxygen via nasal cannula. He's thirsty and hungry but gets nothing until after his heart cath, so he'a mad about that, especially since the bi-pap dried out his mouth/throat. He is laying solitaire right now, and told me to get off my phone and go to sleep, so I guess I'll try. Got KGCR playing via the internet here, praise God for internet! This is the only radio station you would hear if you are at our house, and it is on 24/7, so he is enjoying it. We don't know when he will go down for the heart cath, could be 8am or 2pm. We'll let you know when we know the approximate time!

12-14 @ 0230 Dad slept from 11:30pm until now, he hated the bi-pap when they put it on, because our favorite respiratory therapist miss Kayla didn't get to be the one to put it on and set it, then she came and played with it, and he finally rested. Just was up to the restroom, and now messing with the bi-pap mask, but hopefully he'll quit and rest some more. Unsure on a time frame for cath lab yet later today, but it's really our only big thing on the to-do list, and a very important thing at that.

12-13 @ 1430 Doc Beaudry, cardiologist, was in @ 2pm, said he will go to the cath lab tomorrow for a hearth catheterization, they will go in through an artery in his wrist or his femoral artery to check for blockages in his coronary arteries, take pictures. While they are in there, if stents need placed, or balloons inflated to press the plaque buildup back against the artery walls, they will do it while they are in, and while he is under conscious sedation. The cath itself should take about 20 minutes, if they need to place a stent or open up the arteries with balloons that could take an hour or so. She says his kidneys look good, his cholesterol is great, his blood sugars have been checked periodically, and have all been good (109, 101, 82, etc), there is history of diabetes in his family, but he does not have it at this time. The liver is enlarged as well at this time, still getting some fluid off. His weight this morning was 8 pounds down from admission Friday. Doctor believes he will be able to lie flat easier tomorrow, wants to get some more fluid off today/tonight. I did request that his Lasix be given earlier than 9pm tonight, earliest Doc would let it be given was 7pm, as his blood pressure has been borderline low off and on, and that could be related to pulling off all this fluid, so didn't want to do it any faster than we are already. Heart rate today has been in the 80s resting, still throwing PVCs (irregular and premature beats). Doc says just hang out and get some more fluid off for today.

12-13 @ 0930: nurse Trisha came in and woke up Dad this morning, they waited until 0900, which was awesome! He has already received his IV Lasix and Lovenox (shot!) again this morning, and will get some aspirin and blood pressure pills after he gets some breakfast. Unsure of the plan for the rest of the day at this point. Possible heart cath, possibly not until tomorrow.

12-13 @ 0500: Cpap is on, they lowered the amount of pressure, Dad says it feels better, labs came back, they were concerned with all the Lasix he has been getting that he may have low potassium levels, but they are still good. Dad's trying to rest, I hope he can! Nurse Tammy read me the chest xray results from yesterday, no pneumonia or infiltrates, some mild pleural effusion (buildup of fluid between the tissues that line the chest and lungs), and still the cardiomegaly (enlarged heart), but altogether pretty good xray! That's all I got for now! Thanks for praying!

12-13 @ 0400: Pops has been fighting the cpap since 0130, he has had it off since 3, because he says it is causing too much pressure. He did not want pain meds, because (he is tough and) doesn't want to have nightmares or get addicted. I encouraged that he will not get addicted taking pain meds once, and that hopefully they wouldn't affect his dreams, but we won't know if he never takes any. He finally consented, took some, and respiratory is on their way to try and lower the amount of pressure the machine is forcing into his lungs, and see if he can still maintain high enough O2 levels on the lower amount of forced air. Then hopefully he will get back to sleep, lab came in early with hopes of not having to wake him for awhile. He is trying to do what we (his nurse, I, and respiratory therapist) think is best, even though it's not exactly what he wants.

12-12 @ 2300 they gave Dad his second dose of Lasix for the day around 2100, don't ask me why! If they plan on giving it twice tomorrow, this daughter will be requesting the second dose earlier in the afternoon. Otherwise, he is plum tired and ready for bed. He allowed me to raise the head of his bed, it is at a whopping 6 degrees, but it's better than 0. Respiratory should be in shortly to get his mask on for the cpap, and we will see how he tolerates it tonight. He is being ornery, but listening to his nurse's wishes, and his boss'...(I didn't call myself that, nurse Tammy did!) This is the same nurse he had through the night last night, she says his feet/ankles are more swollen today (I blame it on his persistence to sitting up in the chair without his legs elevated, I asked him a couple times to sit in the recliner or even lay down for a hot minute). But otherwise she says he looks better and is in better spirits tonight. Keep praying! This daughter hasn't slept in 32 hours, but I am still going strong, let me tell ya!...I hope he sleeps well tonight! That Lasix may just ruin my life! No, I'm kidding! I want him to rest and rest well, so pray for that tonight!

12-12 4pm: Dad is starvin marvin, they have him on a heart healthy diet (of course) and everything on the menu contains sodium, so he is limited on what he can order. He had an echo done on his heart today, which told us that his ejection fraction of his heart is 33%. This is the amount of blood the heart pumps out (ejects) with each beat(contraction). The normal level for this is 55-70%, usually at least half, and he is pumping a third, so a big deficit. They also did a venous doppler which showed no clots in his veins in his legs. Still no report on the chest xray comparison, probably no significant change, but this nurse daughter is curious! Anywho. They plan to do a heart cath in the cath lab here at Hays Med tomorrow or the Monday. The doctor wants him to be able to lie flat on the table on the cath lab. That is all I am getting from the nurse at this time.

12-12 Noonish: haven't heard results from the chest xray, they did that (I assume) to see if his lungs look better, same or worse, said this will take about an hour. His murse said he hasn't seen the xray results. Will let y'all know when I know more :)

12-12 @ 0830 Silly Dad! I got here around 0730, radiology was here and took him for his xray, he's back now, chatting up a storm, he just received his heart healthy breakfast tray which he is beyond enthused about, and as he is saying grace, he says, thank you for.....whatever this is...(low cholesterol scrambled eggs!) He is a sick ole man, but he's in good spirits at least! Oxygen is still on, he is maintaining >95% right now. When I got here he asked me what took so long, I said, they coukdn't find someone to cover me at work, and then he said you didn't have to come ya know. Yeah I did Dad!! Oh, I love him! Silly man!

12-12 @ 0400: called and visited with Dad's nurse again. His heart rate us still 90s-100s, cardiac enzymes still coming back elevated. His heart rhythm on his heart monitor is showing some abnormal rhythms. He has been given Lasix to get fluid off, and they will hit him with more later this morning. He finally relented to the cpap being applied, and the nurse states it seems to be helping him rest easier. The plan for the day as of this point is a chest xray, stress test, and doppler studies to check for clots in his legs. They will also be drawing labs to know more about the extent of the congestive heart failure. Thanks for the prayers! And pray for the rest of us kiddos traveling there today!

12-11 @ 2200: talked with Dad's nurse at Hays Medical, they are trying to get some of the excess fluid off his heart, lungs, and body. Lab values and tests done in Colby earlier today show that he had a heart attack within the last couple days at some point. They would love to have him in the cath lab already to check out his heart better, but his nurse states his doctor doesn't think he is stable enough for that at this time. They will be doing doppler studies of both legs tomorrow to check for blood clot(s), his d-dimer was negative, which would suggest there is no pulmonary embolism (clot in his lungs). He is still requiring oxygen, and the nurse states he is having some trouble breathing, but my Dad being stubborn like he is won't let her raise the head of his bed, she definitely sees some sleep apnea signs. He has denied chest pain throughout all of this, he is complaining of his right hip still, and his right leg is more swollen than the left. Will update tomorrow, or later tonight if I learn more. Thanks again for prayers y'all! At this point, pray for him as he hates doctors and hospitals as much as the next farmer, and wisdom for the doctors, to order the necessary tests, and figure out a game plan as soon as possibly, and pray for the rest of our family! Many of us kiddos are already in Hays, but for sure most of us should be there tomorrow! Thanks again.

12-11 @ 4pm
Hey y'all!! Keep my Pops in your prayers! My little brother Seth (hero) took him in to the Dr. today in Colby, and they admitted him to the hospital there, sounds like CHF, haven't been able to talk to his nurse yet (as you can imagine, being one myself I understand her not having time right now, but I want details details, so pray I am patient while I can't be there with him in the instant know) but hope to hear from her soon. I do know his oxygen sats were in the low 80s (goal= >90%) so he is on oxygen. Has excess fluid in his lungs and on his poor heart! He hates facebook (almost passionately), but this is the fastest way I know to update family and friends! So keep him in your prayers, and when I know more I will probably just comment on this post, so check back if you want to stay updated! :) (if a group would be beneficial, let me know and I will create one!) Thanks in advance for your prayers! I love you all!!

Nothing is Beyond the Reach of God's Hands

12/11/15 @ 1600
Nothing will wake a person up faster than getting a text saying your Dad is in the hospital. Now, mind you, this may not turn out to be as bad as I make it sound, but still heart wrenching and terrifying, because even if just for a split second, a thought flew through my mind, 'my Dad could die today.' It is not something one chooses to think about everyday, though of course it is always a possibility, as we are not guaranteed tomorrow, we are only guaranteed the amount of time God gives us, and only He knows when our last breath will be inhaled.

My father has been having some trouble sleeping, and thus been exhausted throughout the day, everyday. When I have been home recently, I noticed this, he has been aware of this, I thought sleep apnea (which I still believe), but he just shrugged off my worry, thought he had fixed it by adding more calcium to his diet. My little brother was with my Dad today, and was unable to even hold a conversation with him, as he was short of breath, and probably falling asleep. While helping my Dad last week, you would have thought I would have caught on, ya know, being a nurse and all, I went to school for 5 years by golly, you would think I could see when my own family members were not 100%. He climbed up in the tractor and that got him winded pretty bad, and he mentioned it, and how sad it was that just that could make him so short of breath, but I chalked that up to being overweight, like the rest of us. It is my job to constantly assess people, and changes in their health, so why did I overlook something in my own family? I don't know. I probably could have talked him into going to the doctor, but he didn't have insurance.

God, He sure works in mysterious ways. My Dad's hip has been bothering him for about a year and a half now. And lately he has noticed himself waking gasping for air, which is why I thought sleep apnea, a sleep study, and a cpap were the answer. Dad didn't want to do anything until he had insurance, but he wasn't going to apply for any until he was going to qualify for Medicare in a couple short years, so he was going to tough it out until then, but things changed last week. Last week he called an organization by the name of Christian Healthcare Ministries, asked them to send a booklet, and then read through it, as did I. He asked what I thought, and if it seemed like a wise decision. I said yes, it carries a monthly price (tiered donations) that each person pays to a lump account, that is then distributed to pay for each other's medical bills, as well as prays for those involved in the organization. For someone without health insurance, this seemed like a wise decision, and boy God could not have had better timing! They just called today, to say that my dad application was accepted, so praise God!

So, back to the primary direction of this post, God. He is always in control. I know that now more than ever, I have known that for years. Sometimes, that is harder to understand than others. It sure seems easier to let family members know that God is in control and encourage them that He knows what tomorrow will bring for their sick family member, when it is not my own. It sure seems easier to pray and know that God will take care of a person, when it is not your loved one. But I do know, though it may be hard to comprehend most times, that He knows what's up! Seth took my Dad to the doctor today, but so did God! God is in that hospital with him right now, watching over, letting his heart beat again, and again, and again, and his lungs expand. God knows.

12-11-15 @ 2345

As I sit here at work, unable to be at my Dad's side, unable to be there for my Momma and rest of my family, and to help the staff caring for him tonight, I am reminded of the last time something serious happened in my family, when Silas had ankle surgery just in the last couple weeks. Where again I was unable to be there because of work, and didn't see him until he was home on my first day off 2 days later. I spent my first day back yelling at him because he begged me to come home, but then opted to play on his iPad in bed all day, and then I  hung out with my nephews (after teasing my Dad for being so tired and falling asleep mid-conversation with me). The next day (Dec 4th) I went out to the cows and did chores with Dad, which did not require a lot of manual labor, hauling 50-lb feed sacks, 5-gallon buckets of grain, a sledge hammer, hauling water, hauling hay bales, getting up and down and up and down from the tractor for each chore, and to open gates, etc. But was more emotionally straining to me than physical. My Pops is very particular on how he likes things done, and especially if he is watching, you will do it his way. Thus, he was a hot mess the entire time, because I am rarely home to help with chores, so I do not know exactly how he would like everything done...thus he spent a lot of time yelling at me, and I spent a lot of time laughing and telling him to calm down. I know sometimes I make him so mad he probably has to remind himself that he loves me, but it's okay, as long as he never forgets that he does! Regardless, chores got done, and I made it to my sister's basketball game, late, and had some pretty attractive bibs on when I arrived, hole in the butt and all, but we got the chores done, and I made it anyway. And I know Dad appreciated the help, especially now that Silas is out on crutches for this next couple of weeks, and he was upset because Seth wasn't going to be able to be home this weekend due to some finals. Dad's hip had really been bothering him that day, he even grabbed the crutches before making his way up to the game, I was standing in the doorway to the gym, because we have carpeted bleachers wearing some greasy and cow manure-y bibs, so I didn't want to sit until I had been able to go home and change. Dad shows up, stood there by me for a bit, dropped a crutch, that I offered to bend over and get but he insisted I let him do it. That is just him, his way or the highway. I can only imagine the fight he gave my younger brother today, when he suggested Dad go to the doctor, but glad he said whatever he did to convince Dad to go, because now he is getting the care and attention he and his body need right now.

I am sure the nurses that have cared for him today have dreaded knowing that a family member who is a nurse is calling for updates. I know sometimes that medical professional family members can be the worst to deal with, they know all the answers, they have all the best ideas, they know exactly how everything should be done and when. But I am confident that I was not that nurse, I simply asked questions, and enjoyed being talked to as an equal. I hope they equally enjoyed not having to "dumb down" for me. In nursing school we are taught to explain medical stuff in a way that a 4th grader could understand, so as to not speak over patient's and family member's heads, and to keep them properly informed on what is going on with the patients and their health. I felt encouraged, after talking with his two nurses today, in two separate facilities, as each of them seemed to have a good head on their shoulders. Maybe they were both new nurses maybe not, but I felt after each conversation that Dad was in good hands, and was where he needed to be at just that moment.

As this journey continues, the journey of restoring my father to the best health he may be restored to, keep my Momma in your prayers as well. She has been strong throughout the day today, but I know she too is worried, she is praying, she has broken down about it, so keep her in your prayers, pray that she takes care of herself as well as she tends to take care of others. Pray for safe travels for family members, to and from Hays over the next couple days/weeks. Pray for wisdom for the doctors and nurses that care for him while he is there. Pray that we may find peace in knowing whatever happens, whatever needs done, whatever care he requires in the hospital, and later at home, that His will be done in all things. 

My Sin is No More Clean than Yours...

This world thrives on political correctness. I completely disregard it. If it is not what I feel or believe, (or illegal) then I in no way shape or form am required conform what I say and do to fit the world's vision of correct. The world is full of people who will tell you everything you want to hear, just the way they know you would want to hear it, well I am not one of those people, I would rather have you hear the truth. The enemies of God would love for you to be deceived, but God only wants the best for your life, He wants you to know the truth.

You and I, we may be very alike, or very different, but NO MATTER who you are, we have one thing in common for sure, that is that--according to God, our creator--we are all sinners. He made us, and loves us far beyond what we can even begin to imagine and comprehend. But we, all of mankind, have a problem, which the Bible calls sin. Sin is anything that we do in disobedience to God's laws, and this disease has infected the souls of the entire human race, from birth to death, we all will have this one thing in common.

Within the Bible, which is the Word of God, lies the standards by which God says we should live. It says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." {Romans 3:23} It also states quite clearly that the penalty for us sinners is death {Romans 6:23}. The human race is under a death sentence because of sin, it is what we deserve, but because we have a loving and gracious God, He sent His Son, Jesus, from Heaven down here to this earth on a mission to save each and every one of us. This means you, because God does love you. No matter your past, all God cares about is your future, which He (and I) hope is spent in and with Him.

How did His Son save us from this death sentence? Don't all humans die? Yes, we do. But He sent his Son Jesus, who not only drug his own cross to Calvary to be hung, but also carried each and every one of our sins as well. He carried them to the cross, took them to the grave, was buried, and on the third day, God raised His Son from the dead. He is alive! He can come into your heart and life today if you let Him. The Bible tell us, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." {John 3:16} God wants all of us to be in heaven with Him for eternity, but our sins are blocking the way.

I am a sinner too. What my sins consist of, is not even a speck of dust cleaner than those of my neighbor, or yours, or anyone else's--they're just forgiven. Sin is sin is sin. No sin may look alike to the human eye, but my lie in God's eyes, is just as terrible as another man's murder. I found this picture as a good example, to us humans, some sins look bigger, and of different severities, but all God sees is sin. To Him, sin is sin. And it separates Him from His creation that He loves.

When I was a young child, I repented of my sins, and asked God to forgive me and save me. I asked Jesus to come into my life and take control. I live this life, happy and thankful, because I know that He forgave me of those sins, past, present, and future. I live today, knowing not what my future on earth holds, but from the future that lies beyond the second I take my last breath, that is guaranteed for me. I will be in heaven, in the glorious realm of my God. 


I rest assured in this, because in the Bible it teaches us, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." How great is this promise?! I want you to know this today! That you too can be forgiven, cleansed, and set free from the power sin has held over you, by believing and trusting in Christ, as Savior and Lord.  The Bible says that "If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" {John 8:36}.

All it takes is you, wherever you are, to say a prayer, inviting Christ into your heart and life, asking Him, from your heart, to help you turn from sin. To believe in your heart that Jesus died on the cross for you, carried your sins to His deathbed, and was raised back to life on the third day, and reigns now in heaven with God the Father. And turn, turn towards the Bible, do as He says, strive to live a life pleasing to God from this day forward. Let the Holy Spirit come and dwell within you. And then go, tell your best friend, tell your neighbor, tell your mom, because this is news worthy of sharing, this is amazing news, and read your Bible! If you don't have one, one can be purchased at your local Walmart or dollar store for cheap, or just make a trip to a local church, as I am sure they would gladly give one to you as a "welcome to the family" gift!

You are Blessed, more than you can Imagine :)

As I lay here on the floor, beyond wide awake, I find myself upset about it. Nothing woke me up, I just usually don't sleep well at night, since my body is usually wide awake at work at this time. So not only is this not unusual, but here I am thinking woe is me, while I lay between multiple blankets, in a heated home, chuck full of people I love, at a time where thankfulness is at the forefront of everyone's mind, I am selfishly thinking about how much sleep I am missing out on.


Then, I roll over, and my mind starts racing faster, because how dare I! I am warm, there is a roof over my head, and family a short whisper away. I slept well, though shorter than I thought necessary, but I slept.


Someone is outside wishing they had something to eat yesterday, anything.
A child is sitting alone in an alley trying to keep shivering just to stay alive with no calories in their belly and no coat on their back.
Someone's Daddy died last night, and they are unsure of whether or not he asked Jesus into his heart before his last breath was inhaled.
A soldier is trying to avoid getting shot or blown up, or deciding whether or not that child with bulky clothing is a threat to themselves or the fellow soldiers or not.
A law enforcement Officer is out patrolling the streets trying to stay warm and stay alive while fighting to keep evil away from us civilians.
A firefighter was woke after just falling asleep to answer a call to a house fire where it was already too late and a family just lost everything.
Some Walmart worker was told they would work through the night tonight and deal with the crazy black Friday unappreciative fighting shoppers, or quite possibly would lose their job. 
A nurse slept all day yesterday, all through family time and dinner, to rest up and care to the best of their ability for the people that are too sick to be at home with their families during this holiday time, and yet another nurse was the one who had to tell a family member that their dad, grandma, child, aunt, infant's heart is no longer beating.
A doctor had to call quits on the code attempts, maybe after hours of hard work to save that child or young man.
Some EMS crew just got called out to a home where a woman with self-inflicted gun shot wounds is laying in her child's arms, the same child who called 911 crying that their mom was bleeding all over and wouldn't talk to them or open her eyes.


So no. I will not consider myself the main character in a tale of woe.


I am breathing, warm, blessed, and have the love of the amazing Savior, who apparently knew I needed a wake-up call this morning, literally and figuratively. Hug your loved ones today, thank an Officer, thank a nurse, thank your military men and women, kiss your kiddos and hug your Mommas, pray for the souls of the lost. You are blessed. Remember that as you wake and go about your day today and be a blessing to someone else today!


‪#‎thankfulpost‬ ‪#‎beyondblessed‬ ‪#‎thistimeonearthisjustastoponthewaytowhereImgoing‬‪ #‎iwontneedtosleepinHeaven‬ ‪#‎blesssomonetoday‬‪ #‎youmaybetheonlyblessingtheythinktheyhavebeengiventoday‬

God has given me the armor, but do I wear it?

If you have read any of my previous blogs, you may be under the impression that I think I have all the answers. But I don't . That is why I strive to read His Word everyday, and seek His guidance through prayer and application of His Word in my life. I can say, speaking from experience, that the more involved I am in church and church events, the more I find myself wanting to read my Bible, and pray, and help people, and think about Jesus and strive to make my life something more resembling to His example in my life outside of church.

If you would have asked me a year ago, or even a couple months ago to attend the prayer coffee I would have said it's too early. Or women's Bible study Thursday evenings? Nope, too busy, always working, never know my schedule week to week, etc. All the excuses in the book, I have used them. But now, now that I have made the effort and point to attend some of these weekly events, well now they might have become my excuse to get out of doing other things! They are always highlights of my week, the fuel to my spirit, and most of the reasons behind my smiles these days. And oddly enough, after adding things to my weekly schedules, I seem to find more and more free time, though I am attending more events. Amazing how God can open my eyes and mind to things when I am trying to live my life the way He wishes me to.

If you look at me, and see anything remotely resembling perfection, look again. If you look at me and see anything remotely resembling a person with their life together, definitely look again. I am a sinner, and I sin daily. I hurt others, I bottle up emotions, I build trust, and then crush it. I am a sinner, and I need God, every hour, every minute. I need Him. It's a daily prayer to God to prepare me and assist me in defeating the devil in his every attack on my life. Maybe it is the same battle as yesterday, because maybe I just can't let something or someone go, or I won't let my mind be at ease and let God take care of the things that are out of my control. But satan will also come up with new ways to attack us, and we have to be ready to face that with God.

And God has given us the tools, but victory requires putting them on and using them. Football players don't get their equipment from the coach, and then step out on the field without it with hopes that they will not have an injury on the way to their win. No, they don the equipment their coach has instructed them that they need, and prepare with guidance and instruction from their coach and practice out on the field for game day. It is the same with God, and our daily battles with the devil.  He has more than given us the armor and the weapons to conquer the devil over and over. But He also tells us to put on the full armor. If a football player donned his shoulder pads, but doesn't wear his helmet, how safe do you think he would be? First tackle, he'd probably be seeing stars and unable to perform the rest of the game, or worse get a concussion (or even worse: coma or death) and be out for the rest of the season. In order to fight these battles with satan and his temptations until victory, we much utilize all of the armor and weapons that Christ has laid out for us.

The full armour of God
Ephesians 6:10-18
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high  places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints:

It Really is the Thought that Counts

The Thought that Counts

It's not the words coming out of your mouth, it's not your Facebook status updates. It's what's in your brain and on your heart. God and you. The only ones for the rest of time who will know the whole truth and nothing but when it comes to where you are in your walk with Him, and how you really feel about your neighbor, or teaching that Sunday school class, for example.

I have struggled with this a lot lately. I am the master of the façade. I can smile all day any day, like my life is just blissful and perfect and not a thing goes wrong, ever. But, I have learned, that is not what gets me through the day. And that it's not always as convincing as I think it is. Whenever anyone asks me how I am, how my day was, how my week was, my response? Fantastic! Awesome! Great! Because those words are easy to roll off the tongue, and almost guarantee that that person won't pry deeper. If they did, I would probably just lie again, and say all is well and fine and perfect. But, truth be told, I am hurting. I am sleep deprived, I am weak, I need God. And I need prayer, way more than I think I do, and much more than I am willing to ask for.

My pastor just this last Sunday asked everyone to remain standing, then proceeded to say, those of you who don't have a need in your life that you need prayer for, sit down. And that is when my heart broke. My heart broke for the people in my church, those that I am surrounded with each week, who I have not made a point of getting to know, those people are hurting and they need my prayer. Now as I sit here, and try and remember every face I saw Sunday, retrieving mental images pew by pew, or chair by chair, I know I have forgotten many, but I know that God knows they are all on my heart, and I know He hears my asking Him to help them with their needs, whether "big" or "small," He hears them all.

When you give to the church, to others, to the homeless man on the corner, that gift means nothing to God if your heart and thoughts weren't in the right spot. We should not be giving for the tax break, or for the recognition and the "thank you". We don't give in church because God needs it, everything we have is already His, and we only have it because He gave it to us. We should be giving because we want to, because it brings us joy, because we as Christians should have an inward desire to give.

And this doesn't only relate to gifts of money, but with assistance, service, favors, etc. Don't open that door for that elderly woman because you have to, but because you want to! Don't offer to serve that meal because someone encouraged you to sign up, and you felt like you had to, serve that meal with a smile and a servant's heart.

Here about a year ago now, I picked up a woman walking down the side of the highway between the town I lived in and the town I commuted to for work. It was just about freezing outside, and she hardly had what I would call a coat on. Of course I felt bad for her, and initially thought the trip was just going to be to the town I worked in, and had dinner plans made for in. But the trip extended to another town half hour away, out of the way, but I told her I had time, and was willing. Yes it was snowing, and yes the town that I took her to had received the most snow out of all of the surrounding towns, and yes I wondered at one point if I was going to make it back. And yes, I started to regret my decision before we even reached our destination. Yes I spent most of that trip telling her it was fine, everything was okay, and then inwardly punching myself for being so stupid and too nice and getting myself into such a bind. I ended up bringing said lady back to the town I work in, thus wasting all of that time and worry for literally nothing, right? No. I know that God put me in that woman's life for a reason. She cried over and over again on the way back, because of my playlist, the songs touched her so much, and while she was telling me her story. God let me touch that woman's heart, even though my heart was not where it needed to be. That day could have been completely different, and my smile more honest, if I would have given that woman a ride for Jesus! If I would have opened my door to her with a more willing heart and more thankful mind.

So turn your eyes upon Jesus today! Open your heart and mind to Him, and stay focused on His Word. What you say and how you act will be what the world sees, but how you feel and what you think, that is what God sees. And He knows. Live for Him, love for Him, and serve for Him.

In Job, chapter 2 verse 3, the Lord is speaking with Satan, and He says, "Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth* evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause." Oh to be spoken of by God Himself in such a manner. I want to strive to be more like Job, to have God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Something that helps encourage me to try my hardest to do so is knowing that God sees me and He knows what is in my heart, but guess who else is always watching, the devil, and I just find joy in knowing that I am ruining his day every time I do something pleasing to God, every little or big battle I win with God against Satan.

Strive to live your life today, serving others, with a servant's heart, open and willing to do whatever God needs you to do for whoever God places in your life to serve.



Psalm 19:14  "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." (KJV)

1 Peter 1:22 "Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently." (KJV)

"In this life we cannot always do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
             -Mother Theresa

Romans 15:1-2 "1We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves. 2 Let every one of us please his neighbor for his good to edification." (KJV)



 *eschew definition-verb: to abstain or keep away from; shun; avoid

 

 

A Open Letter to my 17-year-old Self

May 24, 2008-Your birthday is today. You will be 17, not a monumental year, but a year in which your life will be shaken and shattered and repaired. A year in which you will find hate from within you that you never knew existed, a year you will be angry, at God, at life, and at friends and family. This year you will question God over and over about a couple major events. But enough with the preview, let's lay it out for you.

Your birthday won't be a really special day, the usual cake and pictures. But you probably won't remember to thank your Mom for taking the time to make the cake, and everyone will probably be upset in the picture because our Dad sure finds the world's greatest times to pick on everyone's last nerve. But you will eat and enjoy the cake and family time none the less. You won't know at this time that this will be the last of your birthdays you will celebrate with your youngest brother. Your family is busy trying to prepare for Susanna and Jonathan's wedding.

May 31st, 2008-On this day, your second oldest sister will marry the love of her life Jonathan. You will be a bridesmaid, you will enjoy it! The reception in Annis' backyard will be beautiful and perfect. You will love the bridesmaid dress so much you're going to reuse it for your senior prom, and then again the following summer as the MOH for your best friend's wedding. You will come to find out that you love weddings, and you just cannot wait to have one of your own, and soon. Your time will come soon enough.

July 1st, 2008-On this day you will have the first part of the morning off from your local elevator where you are working for harvest, but they will call you in around lunch time. You will be reluctant to go, but know you want the money. You will talk to your youngest brother before leaving, tease him that you are going to steal his hat, and then tell him goodbye as you go to work. If you knew what would happen in the next 18 hours, you would have never left.

Later that evening your boss will come in and say there is an ambulance across the road from your house, and it looks like your little brother wrecked his bike. You, being naïve, and selfish, will be worried, but not enough to leave. Not enough to maybe get to say goodbye one last time to your brother. You think he just broke his leg or arm and will remain at the hospital in Oakley and you will be able to just drive over after work, so you stay. You make some phone calls, and probably were not beneficial to the elevator for the last few hours of work that night anyway, but you stay. You call your older sisters and let them know what you know. You call the house and find out that Mom rode in the ambulance, and that your older brother is driving to Oakley to meet them at the hospital. You get home from work, and by this time find out that they are flying Simon to Wichita. Now you are worried, now the regrets begin to pile up and the prayers start flowing. Dad gets home, and once we find out it is more serious than initially known, he decides he will drive to Wichita to be with Simon and Mom.

July 2nd, 2008-You have not slept yet, it is 3am. Your mom's best friend is here, you have been trying to be strong all night. You wish you would have asked Dad if you could go with him. You wish there was something, anything you could do right now. You then receive a phone call from your second oldest sister, who thought your older brother had called already with an update, but she then informs you that Simon has died, that you have lost the youngest love of your life. Your aunt will call and check up on you, and you will let her know the news. You have been numb, cold, and feel like you aren't even living in real life since the phone call. You don't know what to do. Before the sun rises, you cross the road and climb on top of the grain bin, and you watch the sun rise from up there, you take pictures of it, the first moments of the first day of the rest of your life without him. Knowing God is real and still present, but not knowing why He would take such a beautiful young joyful boy out of our lives. This day will mark the beginning of your struggle with anger. This day is also your best friend's birthday, and you will find solace in being at their house, they are your second family, and they are a slight distraction from reality. Today is your best friend's birthday, and today you lost your youngest brother. Today was supposed to be another normal day, and a joyous one at that, instead it has been turned upside down. Today is a day no one should have to live through. Today will forever rank as #1 worst day of your life.

Throughout the next couple days, you will be a part of the funeral planning, you will assist in picking out the perfect coffin, how morbid. How hard to look at coffins, such small coffins, different colors and designs. Songs for the funeral, and the people we wanted to speak, the pastor to head the service, the location, etc. This involved a lot of decisions that are hard for any family to make, for your 80 year old grandmother, and your 4 year old brother alike. No amount of warning before your loved one will die will make these decisions any easier. But you will keep your head up, and you will stay strong for your family.

July 7th, 2008-Today, today you see your brother, in his coffin. Today everything you have been wishing was just a bad dream becomes more than reality. Your family members from Michigan and New York are here, that has somewhat lightened the reality of the day. Today you will touch the dead cold body of your brother, and you will hug him, no matter what anyone thinks. Today you will grasp the cold lifeless hand of a 4 year old. Today you will cry more tears than you ever thought possible. Today you won't care what anyone says to you, you won't care that the school gym was more than packed, you won't care the amount of people that came to support your family in this horrible time of loss. You won't care how God has used this tragedy to touch so many lives, and hopefully turn them toward Him, as they watch your family be strong and make it through such a hard time. You won't care, because you are so angry. You will let the devil win this hand at this time, but don't worry, someday soon you will fight back. Your extended family will return to their homes, the summer will come to an end, and life will never be the same, but you try to return to life as you knew it.

August-September 2008-This month you will start your senior year of high school, and your oldest brother will start his first year of college in Colby. You will enjoy volleyball, you will enjoy your classmates, and the foreign exchange students that join your school system this year. You will walk through life as though nothing is different, at least you will think that is the face you have on. But you will be more transparent than you think, those closest to you will know that you have changed. Everyone knows what happened this summer, but no one talks about it. You don't talk about it. You wish it would all go away, you wish you could rewind life, you wish you could see his smiling face one more time. You continue to question God, you continue to be angry at Him. You will find yourself attracted to a man, and you will find yourself spending a lot of time with him, it is a distraction from real life, it is time away from your family, your home, the constant reminders of the child that no longer resides in your life. Your coach will see you though, she will see the anger on your face, she will see your reactions when she benches you in volleyball matches. In September, a family friend will give you a car, and a nice one at that, a 2002 Ford Taurus with maybe 120K miles on it, literally gifted it, you walked outside, and they handed you the key and went for a spin in it with you. You will be so happy you will cry, and you won't think it is real, but it is, take good care of that car, and make as many memories as you can in it.

Thanksgiving 2008-This was a weird one, how can we be thankful for anything when we lost someone we loved so dearly. How can we be happy today, when Simon doesn't get to be here? You will even feel guilty for being joyful during these occasions. You will hope that he isn't looking down here knowing you are all happy and thinking that you don't miss him, because you more than miss him, you cry daily still. You walk for hours on end after practice, always wishing when you returned home it would all just turn out to be a bad dream and he would be there. You will continue to spend most of your free time with your best friend who lives just a couple blocks away, and at your other friend's house, with whom you think you may be falling for.

Christmas 2008-You are in the middle of your basketball season, you are starting on the varsity team, per use. You are good this year! You haven't even fouled out of one game yet! You work hard out there, you play for your brother who will never be able to, you work out your anger and frustration out there, in the best way possible, you get super frustrated when coach Kent pulls you to give you a break on the bench, you just want to be out there all the time. You don't know it now, but this Christmas will be hard, it will be fun, and full of family, but hard. You will be in Michigan for this Christmas. This will be a great and adventurous trip for you all. Grandma and Grandpa Uptegrove will come, and Uncle Jer and Aunt Michelle and kiddos. It will be a blast, but you will still wish Simon was there. You will spend New Year's at your cousin's place of employment, and see the best firework show you have ever seen in your life up until this time. (Which will become second only to the show you will see next summer in Ohio on Independence day!)

January 2009-Back to life in Winona, USA. You return for practice while still on winter break. You practice your heart out, and maintain the starting varsity position, your passion for basketball is overwhelming and ultimately becomes first priority in your life. You enjoy late nights playing basketball with the guys and girls that you hang out with, classmates of your own, and those in the classes above and below you. At this point, you have distanced yourself a little more from them though, as you spend more time walking around, and more time with some boy.

January 14, 2009-After basketball practice today, you come home and find out that your oldest little brother wants to go to Colby to buy some shoes for basketball as he has already worn out the ones bought at the beginning of the season. Your best friend is going to ask to tag along, in hopes to see your brother, her boyfriend at this time, and you will be overjoyed to have her tag along. Your oldest little sister will come along as well! Road trip! You will buy the shoes, go to the college and see your brother in his dorm, and then run by Wendy's for food for your best friends family's supper. You will then leave Colby, though you don't remember the last two steps.

You will wake up in your car, the engine off, you are facing a field, it will be snowing lightly, you will hear screams, you don't know what is going on. You will overhear your best friend on the phone, and hear her crying, you will remember many bits and pieces, but never will know the whole story. You hear your sister screaming in the background. You will see your brother in the backseat, and then notice his seat being empty, and you will have no idea where he went. You will later find out he walked half a mile in the freezing cold to try and find help at the last house you passed. You continue to hear your sister screaming, you see blood all over the deployed air bag in front of your best friend, and start freaking out and try to get out. You remember falling, numerous times on the way to her side. You remember not being able to open her door, and falling numerous more times trying to get back your side, all the while she is crying and screaming, and your sister is also. At some point you remember pulling your mother's phone out of your jeans pocket and dialing 911, and telling them you are 16 (which you aren't) and telling them that you don't know where you are. You remember being freezing and an officer escorting you to his warm car while they awaited the arrival of the ambulance, you remember your little brother being assisted to the car when he made it back to the scene and sitting in the back seat of the same patrol vehicle. You remember being helped on to a stretcher, and being in pain on that stupid spine board the entire way to Oakley, and then you remember the awful sensation of the scissors running up your leg cutting off your favorite pair of jeans. You remember the anger and pain you felt when your shoulder hit the edge of the CT machine, and you remember being driven via ambulance to Colby, and then boarded on a plane, and waking in so much unbearable pain that you are overwhelmed with nausea, and they had to roll you over on your right side (broken collarbone side) so that you would be able to vomit and not aspirate. It was awful.

You will remember these bits and pieces, but not the whole story, you will never know the whole story. But you will know that you survived, and you survived for a reason, so let God use you.  And remember the toll that this is taking on your parents, pray for them, keep your head up and follow the doctor's orders, don't argue with your mom on this one, she knows what is best, and though you have convinced yourself otherwise, she isn't out to make your "miserable" life more miserable.

April 2009-Your senior trip to Florida is this month! Ft. Myers beach here we come. You will have a lot of fun on your trip. You will laugh until you cry numerous times. You will stand at the edge of the Atlantic ocean with your toes in the water, and you will feel the vastness of God upon you. You will look out as far as you can and never see the end of the ocean, you will just feel God's presence encompass you, His realness overwhelm you. You will draw your phone number in the sand, and some random boy will text you, and you and your classmates will meet up with him and his friends on the beach, and you will laugh more, and then text him for a couple days and move on with your life. You will return to KS and it will be back to reality, back to watching everyone else practice for track, going to meets and helping where it is needed.

Then comes prom night, you will have a fun time, you will not go to the after party, because you will want to spend time with your male friend, who has been there when you needed him, but when you get older you will wonder if it was more for his purposes and pleasure than being there for you, but you will never know. You're going to let that man do things to you that will make you ashamed of yourself and your friendship with him. You will regret it, and someday you will find it in yourself to forgive yourself for letting it happen, soon, not today, but someday soon.
 

You're going to hurt relationships with your closest friends, because you will be too busy being proccupied with a relationship you already know is going nowhere fast, and while you keep your anger at God bottled up inside, you can only hold so much in. You're going to break down and cry and poor your heart out to another good (also male) friend, and sometime later he is going to get drunk and try to kiss you, and you are going to be confused and hurt and helpless, and you wont know why, but you wont let him, good for you.

May 2009-You are going to graduate! You have done it, you have conquered the impossible. The date is looming in front of you. On the 5th day of this month you will be blessed with your first niece, she is adorable! You will love on her and can't wait to meet her. You will then graduate, and couple days after graduation you will go to Denver with your Momma and sister, to hop on a plane and go to Ohio to babysit for the summer while your preacher goes through chemo treatments at the Cleveland Clinic. You will celebrate your birthday there, you will get close with your pastor and his family, you will enjoy the summer, though it will be a challenging one, You will enjoy it nonetheless. Though at times you let your heart grow weary and your smile lax, you will enjoy it. Sidenote: you will be getting very tan this summer!

Most important of all, you are going start learning and understanding that God lets things happen for a reason, but you will still not really grasp that concept until you're 24, and even then you will struggle with understanding it.

 

Just know that these will be some of the best and some of the worst days of your life, turn to God in both. He blessed you with a great, and large, family, stand by them and let them stand by you through the good and bad days alike. Spend as much time with your family as you can, drive home often, hug your Momma goodbye every time, because life as we know it is precious, and our time on earth together is short. At the end of each day, the most important subjects in your life are God and family first and foremost, then friends, etc. But family matters. Let them know they do.

In a couple of years, you are going to meet someone who will be a huge ray of sunshine in your life, and that someone will listen to you pour your heart out in sorrow over the loss of your youngest brother, and then hug you, and then tell you this, "I hate that you lost your brother. But one day you will see him again like I'll get to see my grandfather. But I don't think it will matter. We'll finally be in the presence of God, and my own children won't be able to distract me from that. One day though...some day."

Until then, you will make it, and once you see Jesus face to face, none of the past will matter. Until then, keep praying, and be strong. You will make it through this year, and several to come. Enjoy life. Smile often, laugh always.

Love,
Your 24-year old self
 

Sinner's Hope

"Jesus refused to close His ear or His eyes to the cries of a world in pain, loneliness, despair, disease, and imminent death. So, He came to us and became pain for us on a cross. Driven by love, His outstretched arms on the cross were the universal symbol of an invitation for a loving embrace. His cross says, 'I'm here. I heard your cry and I saw your pain. My love will make you complete, Believe.' His empty tomb says, 'Follow Me and live beyond the grave where pain cannot travel to and death cannot exist.' " -Don Jennings

We live in a world full of hurt, full of sin, full of Satan. Temptations are always upon us, right around the corner, staring at us in our face, or waiting for us in tomorrow's time. It's no surprise to us, or to God that temptation is all around us, all that matters is how we respond to it, what we do, how we manage those temptations. I would like to say I am perfect and innocent, and never give in or are overcome by these temptations. That I, a Christian woman, constantly pray and rely on God to help me break through the walls of temptation. But I, as any other sinner on this earth, am not perfect, and have given in, sometimes over and over, and over. Then I get slapped in the face, and God wakes me up, and guides me back to Him.

This happened just recently, I was tempted, and let the devil win. The entire time, I knew what I was doing, I knew what was right and what was wrong about it. I let it happen. I enjoyed almost every second of it, and that is exactly what Satan wanted me to do. I could sit here and point fingers at the devil all day, but all in all I am the one to blame. If I loved Jesus, and my relationships as much as I should have, then I would have prayed about it, and asked Him to help me overcome the temptation that was tripping me up. But when I sat around, and didn't listen to my conscience and didn't obey His commandments, a slap in the face is exactly what I needed, and in fact what it took to wake me up and make me quit succumbing to the temptation. I admit I am a sinner, and there is no way this girl is making it to heaven without God's infinite grace, praise be to Him for that.

People walk in and out of our lives everyday. Strangers become friends, and friends become strangers. Sometimes one relationship change is easier than another, regardless, one must pray, and know that God has a will for whatever happens in our lives. Even though we walk through life with free will and choice to everything we say do and believe, He still is in control, and He always knows what is going on and what will come to be. Every relationship will come to pass, everyone dies, death is the outcome for every living being, but if you choose Him, and a relationship with Him, that is the one relationship that is everlasting, will last into eternity, thus should be the one on which you spend most of your time improving. I have to remind myself all the time of this. Especially here recently, but what has helped is just letting Jesus hear my whole heart, spilling all my guts and broken pieces out into His arms, His ears. Letting Him know that I know that He is there and He is listening, letting Him hear my confession and repentance. Asking Him for comfort and a new direction, and seeking it in His Word. 

My heart aches for the pain I have caused some people that I absolutely love dearly, pain I cannot take back, pain that I cannot heal at this time, pain that I have to rely on God's hands to heal, and rely on His comfort to know is being healed. Pain that I am sure is way beyond the pains I constantly feel for my sorry self. I betrayed, decieved, and practically tore apart a relationship I never wanted to do that to. Thus, I sit back and pay the consequences, and pray. Pray to a sovereign Lord who heals all pain, I don't even care at this point if He tends to my pain, though I know He already is, but I pray He is healing the wounds in them that I have created. 

And as always, I don't forget about my prayer warriors. Those people that I rely on with my prayer requests and needs, those people that fervently pray for me, I let them know of my struggles, and accept their hand in God's help. When you are hurting, He is there. When you are happy, He is there. I am thankful for His help through the tough times and give Him my appreciation in the ups, He more than deserves it.

'Trust in God's timing. It's better to wait awhile and have things fall into place, than to rush and have things fall apart.' -Adam Cappa

2 Cor. 5:10 "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be bad or good."

Love Letter from The Father

Father's Love Letter

         

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7
I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God




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