On October 2016 I wrote (in a yet unpublished blog) 'When I was talking to God this morning, I told Him, 'I feel as though I could make it work with anyone. I know there is not just that 1 perfect guy out there, but how do I empty more of (the man I had previously fallen for at the time) out of my heart, so I can fit more of the man I am meant to marry in there?' I hope He knows I was sincere. I mean it. I prayed that in the bright dawn of the morning after getting off work the day before. Then later that day, I prayed this ' Dear Lord, please help me. For the sake of my future husband, be it (current man I was chatting with), or someone else. Please help me fix my eyes on You.' I was really struggling to make it through what I would consider the darkest chapter in my life.
Fast forward…..
Around June 2019, after years on being on dating sites, after years of always checking the left hand of every man I came into contact with that I remotely found interest in, after praying and praying and praying for what I wanted, for the man I just knew He had for me out there in this world. I gave it all to God. I gave my singleness. I gave Him my relationship status. I gave Him everything. I wept and wept on my knees in my bedroom, but I told God. If You want me to be single, if that is what I am called to be, then I will be happy single. This means, having children is also not in my future, and I was ready and willing to accept that if it be His will for me.
I feel like you read that I prayed and told God whatever He wanted for me to do, I was okay with that. But no, because that is what I told Him before. This time, I WANTED what He wanted for me. I wanted what He wanted. I had total acceptance of whatever He wanted. I was ready to be single, I was ready to die single whenever my time came. I was ready to continue to expel all this motherly love I knew was inside of me upon my nieces and nephews, my friends' kids, kiddos at church, the rare pediatric patient at work. I was fully open and honest with God. He knows what I want, and He knows what His plan is for me. I told Him, though I do not know Your plans for me, Lord, help me glorify You in any way I can until you make Your plans for me known to me.
Right before leaving on this vacation, as I was perusing the (3 currently) dating sites I had profiles up on, I realized jut how tired I was of doing that. How time consuming it is, and how frustrating, because the area I live in, I was not matched with anyone even remotely close. They would be states away (aka, light years). I had basically given up hope, but one of the apps, eHarmony, I had paid for, so wasn't going to give up hope on yet. The other 2 were free sites. I was super picky on who I respond to and who I initiate contact with. I wasn't desperate, I have and had standards. I was careful on what info I had on my profile, and what information I shared with the men I communicated with.
The night I got back from vacationing with my family in New York, I was laying on the floor, trying to get to sleep, as church was going to come early in the morning after our long drive back, hopped on one of the dating sites I had a profile up on. The app itself on my phone was giving me fits, so I was accessing the site on a web browser, which was pretty annoying honestly, and then also did not notify me of any contact being made by prospects. Late that night I was responding to messages from poor saps that found it within them to send me some, when I saw a profile in the bar across the top of the inbox page. I clicked on said profile, quickly skimming, as I always did before initiating any contact, found it to be a young man who attended a baptist church, who was my age, divorced with children, and lived 175 miles away. (Another thing I would always do, once their location was known if not expressed on their profile, I would see just how far the commute would be, how hard or easy it would be to maintain a relationship over that distance.) I thought, okay, a 3-hour drive, not bad, could be worse. So I sent him a 'flirt.' And wouldn't you know it, this crazy man responded. Initially, I always ask, do you make an attempt to attend Sunday services in your church? Are you actively involved in your church? Were you raised in church? Along with the usual, what do you do? How many siblings?
After a couple messages, I had to let this man know, that I would be back on sometime tomorrow, but I was super tired, and church was in the morning, I wanted to get some rest before the alarm went off. It took me several hours to respond to each message over the next couple of days, because I was having to do it in the browser, again, a nuisance. So on day 3 of our conversing, he asked if it would be easier to text, which OF COURSE yes it would be.
Now a lot of people don't like to give out their phone #s, or think it awkward or too forward if done so early. I didn't know a whole lot about this man, but I have never hesitated with giving out my number when I knew this was someone I was interested in. If needed, ALWAYS in the future I can block any number in the world. This has never been an issue or concern for me, so I gave it to him, and he gave me his, and there commenced quicker responses and deeper questions.
Tuesday July 9th, 2017, day 3 of our conversing, was our first phone call, 2 hours and 23 minutes of non-stop conversation. It flowed easily, the questions pouring freely, answers coming quickly. We talked from about 9:30pm until midnight, then decided we better part ways (because he is a cool kid who has to work a 'normal schedule' Mon-Fri. Before hanging up, we had made plans to meet, Friday the 19th, around noon (he works 1/2 days on Fridays), I could leave and be there easily around that time. I worked Wed and Thursday nights, and we were super busy until the wee hours of the morning ( I mean why not, I just got back from vacay, slam me with some admits y'all!) and was unable to talk on the phone with him, only texting. Then Friday night, was able to catch a break at work, and converse with him after my patients were in bed for the night. When I got off the phone that night, I walked back to the nurse's station and told the CNA that I was working with that I was going to marry this man. I told her, I have such a peace about this soon-to-be relationship, I know that this is who God has had me waiting for, who God has been preparing me for in my single 'season.' We talked on the phone for hours and hours over those first couple weeks. Facetiming whenever we could.
The countdown was on. Friday couldn't come fast enough. On the way to Pampa, I texted my mother and told her what was happening. She said, I hope he is coming to you. I explained why I straight up offered to go to him, (his kids would be at the babysitter, I would never expect him to drive 3 hours one way and then straight back to get his kids from the sitter, the time frame wasn't plausible and I am more considerate than pushing that on a single dad). My alarm woke me up, I rose, hopped in the shower, then got dressed, in a dress I knowingly would not wear on the date to meet this man for the first time. While chatting on the phone the night before, he gave me his address, said he thought it would be easier if we met at his house rather than driving all over town in separate vehicles that afternoon. I was a nervous wreck on that drive. At some point when I had a little less than an hour left, he tried to facetime me. Thank goodness I didn't have very good service. I pulled over and threw on the dress he was about to see me in face to face. (Only to pull into the walmart parking lot later and be so greatful I had packed a backup, because I changed my mind on which one I was going to wear.) Mind you I have never been that girl that changes her outfit 6-8 times before a date or an outing. But that day, I packed a backup. For good reason, he later pointed out that my dress was pretty. One of the first of many compliments he would bestow on me over our time spent dating.
I pulled into town around 11:30, our date was set to be around noon, but he called and said he was still a good half hour away, so I said, okay, I'll just explore Pampa. He said, okay, if you get lost just call me and I'll come save you. My nerves really weren't a wreck anymore, somewhere from deep within a calm took over. Eventually I meandered back to his house, saw what I thought was his work vehicle a couple blocks from his house. He pulled up, I took a breath, hopped out, and hugged this man who I was convinced would be the one by my side until death did us part. We went inside, he changed out of his work clothes, and got a quick tour of his casa, then I met his dog, and off to lunch we went. Conversation flowed easily. I texted my best friend and said he is EXACTLY what I expected after our many facetimes. He was kind. He was hilarious. We enjoyed our time together. Went back to his house and watched a movie (def recommend it, was called The Encounter) we discussed the perks of the movie and what we liked about it. The movie was over, and he was like, well, what now? Want to go drive around some more? Sure! We drove around, he showed me the town he grew up in, where he went to school, where his parents lived, etc. Then we headed back to his house, as it was about time for him to go get his kiddos, and time for me to leave. (BOOO way too fast.)
Before we got back to his house, he says, I want to pray over this relationship before you go. We went back, I prayed over us, thanked God for a perfect day and safe travels, and for this man that He had allowed to intersect my path in life. Then after I finished my prayer, he says amen, and says, I'm sorry, but I have to kiss you. Commence our first kiss. Then he said a prayer over our relationship, I of course had tears welling in my eyes throughout his entire prayer. THIS. This is what I had been longing for. This is what I had been missing before, what I had been settling for less than of. This man was everything and more I had always wanted to find in a man. He loves my God. He is a great father. He takes his kiddos to church, because he WANTS to. I left his house, much too soon, and not enough hugs later, and made my way home.
Once I made it past the outskirts of town, I pulled over yet again, to do a wardrobe change on the side of the road. Then proceeded to marco polo my 3 best friends and text updates to family members. I wept. I cried stupid happy tears about how stupid happy I was and how stupid perfect he was. I prayed, I thanked God over and over again for this new light that had made an entrance into my life.
Tuesday the 23rd, babysitter's hubs was having a heart cath, so being a single father, he had no choice but to stay home with his kiddos. I told him I had asked the little sis about taking her and my niece who was staying with us that week about going down to meet him, and he says, well why don't we come up there? And I can see your house, etc! Of course I was ecstatic to have him, but also had a LOT of cleaning to hustle up and finish before his arrival that next morning! As well as some mowing and weeding of the forest that had started to take over my backyard while I was on vacation to NY to see family.
I went down to see him one more time I believe. I had some hesitations. He had told me, right out the gate, that he’d had a vasectomy, and could no longer have children of his own. I had had a little time to process this. Initially, I said, okay, that’s okay. Maybe I am not meant to bear my own children. Maybe we can adopt, etc. But as the days passed, I was less and less at ease with this decision, that I might be okay with not having any children. I poured my heart out to God, and then to the man who is the star of this post, and we in fact parted ways.
I learned things of myself, and of relationships, from that time. I learned that it is a lot of give and take, but also give. I learned that distance is not impossible, and in fact, can work, depending on both parties. I learned that God has some truly great men in the world, and that all of them are not meant for me, no matter how great they are. I learned that the heart can in fact be deceitful, and that there should be such a peace about your decisions when it comes to future spouses and the rest of your life, and I was not having any of that peace toward the end, which made it clear that the decision to stop wasting each others' time was the right one. I learned to rely on God even more than I had been before. I learned a lot of myself, of how past relationships had ruined some things for me, which would have been perfect, had I not had those experiences in the back of my mind when I came to similar instances in the next relationship. I learned that some men in fact can be trusted with the deepest parts of my heart. That some men won't overstep my boundaries constantly, testing me every time we would hang out without others around. I learned that some men can truly be great, and truly not be for me.
Many ask how in fact I could possibly still be a virgin today, 34 years into life on this earth. The honest truth, sometimes it is really hard. The temptation is great at times. But I made a vow to God and myself at a young age, and it was something I took very seriously. It may seem prudish or old-fashioned in this day and age, but I'd committed to honoring God and saving myself for marriage. I used to make jokes about being a 40 year old virgin, but that may very well be my destiny. I don't know what God has in store for me, and I truly pray every day that that is not how my life pans out. I desire a husband, I desire children. But I also desire a deeper relationship with Christ, and all this time being single has given me time to work on that. Although, I also pray for a spouse to be doing that along side with. But the grass is always greener. I'm content in my grass right now, and hopeful of more.
He brought me up from a desolate pit,
Many ask how in fact I could possibly still be a virgin today, 34 years into life on this earth. The honest truth, sometimes it is really hard. The temptation is great at times. But I made a vow to God and myself at a young age, and it was something I took very seriously. It may seem prudish or old-fashioned in this day and age, but I'd committed to honoring God and saving myself for marriage. I used to make jokes about being a 40 year old virgin, but that may very well be my destiny. I don't know what God has in store for me, and I truly pray every day that that is not how my life pans out. I desire a husband, I desire children. But I also desire a deeper relationship with Christ, and all this time being single has given me time to work on that. Although, I also pray for a spouse to be doing that along side with. But the grass is always greener. I'm content in my grass right now, and hopeful of more.
He brought me up from a desolate pit,
out of the muddy clay,
and set my feet on a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and they will trust in the Lord. -- Psalm 40:2-3 (CSB)
Started July 28th 2019
No comments:
Post a Comment