Quit kidding yourself.

Quit Kidding Yourself

"Quit kidding yourself. We must understand the tremendous capacity of every human being to deceive him or herself when not connected to God. You and I don't really have the anchor in our lives that we need to overcome the temptations that are shot our way on a daily basis. Know that once we start making excuses for sin, each excuse seems more plausible, and you'll sink deeper and deeper into sin and ruin. We must admit that we cant trust ourselves apart from God. Sure, sometimes God tests us, but the choice is ours. Will we choose to obey Him?"  
*(movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013)

Having an affair is a humiliating thing to open up about. At least it is for me, and should be for anyone who has been a part of one. It is humiliating that I, a young Christian woman who thought my walk with God was headed where He wanted me, who thought my spiritual welfare was in check, who read my Bible (never often enough), who went to church every Sunday, who had a great relationship with everyone who knew me, and who was of such a light and kind spirit, could be capable of such a thing. Someone who finds joy in being able to get a smile out of any and everyone, either with her contagious smile, stupid quirks and dumb jokes, or a good squeeze. (I'm a hugger). But yes, even I, who thought it was so condescending when people would warn me that this may happen, that our friendship threw up flags to them, and that we should be careful. Even I, who just knew I would never stoop so low as to threaten a marriage, threaten a couple's spirit. Even I, who would spend so much time with the wife of this friend, just knowing that I would never be able to hurt her like that. 

Even I. 

I crossed the line between okay and not-so-much-anymore, well a long time ago. I couldn't even tell you when I stopped trying to convince myself that I didn't wish with all my heart that he was a single man that I could pursue. I don't know when I started trying to convince myself that everything I was saying and doing was okay. I don't know when each little thing happened that made me feel differently towards him. I just know it happened. The impossible happened, and the even more impossible was made less black and white, and a little more gray and fuzzy. I blurred those lines in my mind, by choice. And when those lines got blurred, it is from then on that I began to regret things. Not so much then, but now. Now that I know what I know, now that I have a glimpse of the amount of hurt I caused upon that family. Now that I have the limitations put forth before me, now that I have no communication with that best friend. Now that I don't get to love on those girls, now that I don't get to be over for supper whenever I was invited, or felt like inviting myself. Now that all trust has been lost. 

Now, I regret. 

Where regret was due, and should have been felt, after each step too far, each inch that I crossed the line farther and farther, no, there it was not felt, there I threw water on it and doused that fire that was illuminating each of my sins.

When God describes marriage, in the very beginning of time, He makes it clear that the marriage relationship between a husband and his wife was to be made the number one human relationship from the time the vows are exchanged on. A one-of-a-kind, intimate human relationship. And what God says goes, what God says should not be fabricated or altered or ignored for my own personal wants.

It begins...

It starts out innocent, or so you think. We are human, and we can't choose who we are attracted to, whether it be physical or emotional. What we can choose to control is the actions we choose to partake in and the words we choose to say. While being on either end has its downfalls, it is always the one who was betrayed that suffers most. The partner that strayed, and the person of the opposite sex with whom the partner strayed for/with, they suffer, especially after being found out, but not like the one who was betrayed. Now some would say an affair is not officially an affair until the betrayers have had sex. Well, I do not believe that to be true. There are physical affairs, which are affairs even before intercourse has happened, but there are also emotional affairs. These can tend to have a harsher effect on the betrayed. Either way the impact is at least the same, if not even more significant when pertaining to an emotional affair. You know what will usually happen once an emotional affair has started occurring? Well, all that time that it was beginning to brew, the restraint required to not cross the physical line was less. Now, with an emotional affair starting, there is history shared, chemistry, there are feelings between the two, making the physical affair require that much more self restraint to abstain from. 

And even if emotions had not been shared between us, if we had kept them to ourselves, we still had sinned. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." ~Matthew 5:27-28

Some things that come along with an affair, other than the obvious, sin, are guilt, lies, and lost trust. Once you tell a lie, and the receiver of this lie learns the truth, they will never again know for sure if you are telling the truth. They will forever wonder if they can trust you, and quite possibly may never be able to again, especially when it comes to the circumstances or moments that led up to the lie and betrayal. 

Now, speaking for myself, having been caught up in a vicious circle of what I would consider an emotional affair, because that it was, no facade here, no smoke screen. I was full-on partaking in a horrible thing that could have potentially ruined an amazing family, one that I had grown to love, I could have forever tarnished the image of a man who was and is such a man of God. I hurt, deeply hurt, a wife that I had grown to enjoy the company of, yet wished so much that we could trade places, that I could have her life.

I don't know what went through my mind, I can't explain how I convinced myself daily that everything I said and felt was okay and wasn't going to hurt anyone in the end. I can't explain why the friendship was surpassed. I can't explain it at all. And that's okay. Because this is in the past, and should emotions arise ever again in a situation where I know God does not want me acting on them, I have learned (now, too late, and so sorry) to keep them to myself, and stifle them. If God doesn't want me to act upon the emotions that are growing inside, then that leads me to think that I shouldn't even have those emotions. The rational part of my brain saw the situation one way, but the emotional part of my heart saw them differently. I got caught up in the emotion, where instead I should have asked Jesus to help me down the higher road. Feelings should be indicators not dictators. They can indicate that there are some emotions I am experiencing that need processed, but they shouldn't dictate how I act when faced with such emotions or situations. But I let the emotions get the best of me. 

On one hand, this was my best friend. The bond between us was beyond meant to be! When we met, there were no intentions beyond a possible friendship. We were twins from different parents, so incredibly like-minded. I just knew this friendship was destined to blossom! God had hand-picked this random guy from another state, brought him to a birthday camping trip at the lake, and so began the short journey of what I knew was going to be a forever friendship.

The day we got "found out": Okay, she wasn't stupid, before that day flags went up all around her, and she would either ignore them, or confront him about them, and she was assured that nothing was or was going to happen. She was married to him, she knew this man, inside and out, she trusted him, loved him. Both of us women are haters of conflict and confrontation, yet that is exactly what I had forced upon her with my emotions, actions, and intentions with her husband. Conflict is messy, emotional, and exhausting. And though this confrontation was not in person, (I don't think it was any easier on me that it wasn't, but I am sure for her through the phone was the best option, as she had to choose one, given the circumstances of the place that I put her in with this relationship that had crossed boundaries) it was still emotionally draining. 

My nightmare had become a reality, as I am sure was the same for her. A woman who loved her husband so much, and rested so easily upon their vows to each other, and their faith in God, and trusted me, as a friend, not to surpass the boundaries that were understood. I had become her nightmare. I was the other woman. I was the woman who had led her husband astray. 

I, of course and understandably so, was exiled. No communication with my best friend. No going to their home, no holding or loving on their kids in church. Everything that had become a norm for me in this time in my life, all was thrown in the fire and disintegrated in one phone call because of the acts that I had done in the months leading up to that day. 

I will never forget. I will never forget missing the 2 phone calls, as I was vacuuming my new home, my ringer was off and the phone in the other room. I will never forget seeing 2 missed calls from her, and in my naive-ness, thinking, "oh, she is probably inviting me over for lunch and to hang out with her and the kiddos!" Because that is the relationship I perceived between us, prior to this event. That was the relationship that I hoped she too saw between us. 

I will never forget what happened when I called her back, starting with my reasons for missing her call, and then hearing her unravel on me. I will never forget the anger in her voice, the genuine hurt and disgust, the daggers of truth that she threw with her voice that hit in just the right spot, to inflict in me at least some of the pain she was feeling, as was deserved. It was a phone call made out of anger, anger that I had been the root cause of. I know that was by far the worst phone call she had ever had to make in her life, and hopefully the worst phone call she will ever have to make. I cannot verbally express how sorry I have been, from that moment, even up to this day. How much my heart has broke for her, even though I was the cause of the pain and heartache that she was experiencing, I hurt for her. Maybe it was BECAUSE I was the reason behind the pain and anger. And let me tell you, that alone was enough to drive a person mad. I despise knowing that I have caused someone else any hurt at all, physical or emotional. I am not that person, but somehow, little by little, I had let myself become that person, and totally convinced myself that what I was doing was fine and okay.

So you may ask, how does someone who sees herself as a nice, kind, Christian women, let herself get months deep into emotions and words that should never have been expressed or shared? Well it's simple, it is scary how simple it is. It didn't happen all at once. One small thing was felt and shared, then another, and then the surprise would go down and wear off, and then something else would happen, again surprise, but it would lessen and lessen, and then I would get accustomed to these things being okay, so no longer did the next emotions, actions, or words surprise me, they became accepted and anticipated, exciting and okay, even encouraged. 

"Actually women are more susceptible to this kind of thing than men are. I know it sounds odd, but they call it emotional adultery. It usually goes this way. Maybe a woman is unhappy in her marriage. Maybe she's bored. Maybe she is just going through some kind of mid-life crisis. The point is there doesn't necessarily have to be anything wrong in her life. The next thing you know she starts talking to somebody in her Zumba class, or it could be a co-worker in the next cubicle over. It could be just somebody she sees at a school bus stop every morning. It can happen anywhere, anytime. They start out as friends, you know. Next thing you know, they're talking about common interests. That leads to more personal discussions about you name it, intimate struggles, doubts, feelings, fears, the kinda things that should be intended exclusively for a marriage relationship. They haven't even met in person, so how is it an affair? She thinks---she believes that she's gonna have a future with this guy, one brighter than the one she has with...with me."
*(another movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013)

This goes out to the other "other woman" out there that may be reading this. Stop now. You may feel like that will be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life, or maybe that the task is daunting or impossible, because you think you are so in love with this man. Trust me, I know, I have been there. I thought the end of the world was just around the corner. But, that man is taken. That man has already given his heart away to his bride. God has already placed someone in that man's life for him to love on and cherish, and you are stealing some of that, and you don't deserve it. You are hurting their relationship together, you are hurting him emotionally, you may be hurting him spiritually as well, because imagine how much time he is spending talking to or even with you, at least that much time has been wasted, and I mean wasted, because that time could have been better spent with God, or his wife and family, could have been invested in his relationships that matter most. Relationships that aren't tempting him beyond what he knows is right.

Stopping the communication may feel like the end of the world in the beginning, but let me tell you who helps with that feeling, He is amazing, and all-powerful, and all-knowing, and He loves you so much He sent His only Son to bleed out on a cross for you. Say His name over and over. Spend time in His Word. Pray, pray, pray. I can't stress enough how praying and spending time with a good solid Bible-believing and preaching church family has helped me heal emotionally and grow spiritually. Satan loses a major battle when we stop questioning what's wrong with certain choices but instead we start asking what's right with them. 

I don't write this to degrade the cheating man. We all know cheating is wrong, but I don't point a single finger at the man in my story, because I know I am just as guilty, if not more than. I pray for him, I pray for their marriage, I pray for myself, and the poor poor man that I may get to call my husband someday. I pray for wisdom, for when that man and I meet, to tell him of this sin that I have done, the pain it caused me, and the open wound in my heart I still have for my friend's wife. And the hole I have in my heart, because take away the emotions, take away the betrayal, take away all of that, he was my best friend. I told him everything, I can say with 100% honesty that he was the one person I can say I have been most open and honest to in my entire life. I pray that I will learn from this, and that this path will never again appeal to me, that when I see the same signs on a different road, I will turn back, and leave up the barriers, in fact, augment them higher, and make them high-definition to be even more clear. 

"What is faithfulness? The world has one definition. God has another. This can be a problem when it comes to marital fidelity. We try to rationalize what faithfulness is. Jesus made a powerful statement. He said if you look on a woman with lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery.  You see, we try to rationalize with thoughts like, "Well, it's okay. Everybody's doing it," and "It's okay as long as you don't get caught." When we innocently facilitate arrangements, for instance, to be with people of the opposite sex who are not our spouse and we put it under the guise of a business meeting, that's sin. We're headed in the wrong direction. When we rationalize our thoughts about another person, we're diluting ourselves. If we find ourselves fantasizing or manipulating events, it's time to make a very fast U-turn. See, that same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. We need to daydream about our spouse. We need to remember our wedding vows. We need to ask ourselves, if there is something that we can do today, this week, right now to remind our spouse of the intimate relationship that we were called to have together? We need to daydream about what attracted us to our spouse in the first place. See, God tells us specifically about how to think. He says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure and lovely and admirable, if there's anything excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
*(movie quote from "Redeemed" a film made in 2013) 

As much as that pertains to the married couple themselves, it also pertains to the person on the outside who is being the temptation for such behavior. I don't think Jesus just liked to hear Himself talk, I think this was a warning. And how dare I sit and mock the institution God has ordained as marriage, how dare I have been caught up in this awful sin. Well let me tell you, I let the emotions I was caught up in overwhelm and dissolve the fear of being caught, disintegrate the parts of my brain and mind that knew what I was doing was wrong. God has not and will not tempt you beyond what you can handle with His help.

The only way out is through it. God has given you the strength you need, if not in yourself, then in those around you, in your loved ones, in your church family, in your place of employment. I have found people in all those places that helped me back on my feet, that helped me jumpstart my healing. People that have only offered encouragement and hope rather than the despair, disdain, and embarrassment that I know I deserve(d).

I thought writing this would be cathartic for me. But just reminds me of an awful thing I did. I am beyond ashamed of what I did, and have suffered for it daily. I know God has forgiven me, as I have repented, over and over. Once was enough, and turning and changing my ways. But I have so much trouble grasping the concept of forgiveness when asking for it for having done something so awful, and being so undeserving. I think it is so hard for me to grasp the concept of forgiveness from God because I have yet to forgive myself.

God Is On The Move - 7eventh Time Down    Cathedrals - Tenth Avenue North

I wasn't married when I went through this. When I put my dear friends through this. Since then I found and read many many stories and blogs, mostly by Christians, who have gone through the same thing, on all 3 sides. restoredthroughgrace.com
 http://www.restoredthroughgrace.com/2012/10/02/immeasurable-grace/

9/2015