i forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me.

You were sorry. I’ve been sorry. I forgive you, and I forgive me. 

I forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me.

If you know a few things about me, you know a few things that happened in 2022. I talk about 2022, as though it was the hardest year of my life, and it was. Nothing that happened in that time was in my control or by my hand, but I was in the depths of those worst moments, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All aspects of them, I was there. I lived them fully, and felt them deeply. 

Back in 2014 into a good portion of 2015, that was a horrible time, though less horrible in hindsight, equally horrible in the moment, though less traumatizing, than my 2022.  Many of my hardships were at my own hand, my choices, my actions. Again, I was there, in the depths, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I was there, and I felt deeply, and lived fully. 

I often tell my dear friends, you cannot compare traumas, you cannot compare deaths/losses. Even in your own life, you cannot compare one loss to another, one traumatic moment to another. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ {Theodore Roosevelt} The hard moments, the circumstances around them will vary, and you must believe, God is working it all out for HIS good, to those that love Him. Jesus said, if You love me You will keep My commands. [John 14:15 ESV] I was not living a life loving Christ, I was sinning, left and right, knowingly, repetitively, and i suffered the consequences, deeply. And God used it, is still using it, for His good.

A lot of firsts were happening in that time. 

I got my first big girl job.

First time going to a church in this new city i would soon call home. 

First time moving to a new place, and not having at least of handful of friends there first. Two. I had two friends here, well, one rather. 

First time starting a job with coworkers I didn’t know. I’d met one before applying, she was the reason i applied, but i didn’t know her. 

First time i felt skinny, and believed it when they called me beautiful. 

First time i lived in a city without a sibling for the first time. 

Lived alone and on my own for the first time.

Bought my first home, a year after the first summer i spent completely unemployed since before jr high. 

First time i ever slept on/owned a brand new mattress. 

First time i truly appreciated leos and the risk and sacrifice they take/make daily, especially after getting to personally know a handful of them. 

Got to know the first true guy friend i’ve ever come to know.

First time i fell, in love. (not in God’s will mind you.)

And lastly, the nadir of this story:

The first time, i believe, i deeply hurt a sister in Christ. I mean, deeeeeply hurt, not physically, but yet an equally emotionally and spiritually debilitating, crushing pain. Nothing is irreparable by Christ, but the relationship was immediately cut off, rightfully so, and she has not spoken to or messaged me since. 

The first time i realized i had hurt God, by hurting His precious daughter. 

There were a lot of firsts that year, basically a 12-month span almost exactly. There were also a lot of lasts, as you can imagine, intentionally so. I realized today, i’ve spent a decade of my life rolling these things around in my head, for no reason necessarily, except to think on them, the memories. 

The good, the bad, and the oh so utterly ugly. 

You ever come across a video, or listen to a group sing, and hone in on one person’s voice, or a particular part, melody, harmony, tenor, what have you? I came across a video this evening, and i already was listening intently, because I know some of the singers, I knew it would be great music. But i honed in, on one familiar voice, and that and the choice song, i started crying. I just started thinking about that time, preparing for my first home. Navigating this new town, new church, with my new friends. All the things. There has been remorse. There has been repentance. God has given grace and forgiveness, but I still held things over myself, and unknowingly, over my friend, who apologized many years ago. Last night, I started mentally processing alllll the things i had done, and people i hurt during those times, and i just wept. 

And then.

I simply whispered, ‘i forgive you.’ He couldn’t hear me, but i forgave him. And then, i muttered, ‘and i forgive me,’ before the sobs took my breath away and my shoulders shuddered. 

I forgive THAT you, and i forgive THAT me. I know neither of us are the same we were that year. Though i don’t know you personally any more, it used to make me shake to my core thinking on such things as losing you as my friend, i know you are a better person today, by the grace of God, as i hope i am too.